In complete shock!

9 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 13 - 11AM

Alice in Wonderland

In complete shock!

Hi All,
Just before Christmas,i was talking to a mutual friend on Fb,my xPD must've seen,so posted on his wall with a picture of his new 'fiance' which cut like a knife (he hardly ever posts on Fb walls,so i know it was for me to see)he then deleted a picture he still had me tagged in. This all hurt a LOT which made me break NC....i looked him up on the internet,then i saw something that has really seriously cut me like a knife....he's just had a baby with her! Not only that,but he seems to be treating her well...the baby is seriously premature and he's searching for info,giving up beloved show tickets,spending all the time in the hospital. He never got engaged to me despite i was apparently the love of his life etc etc blah blah,and i had a miscarriage which he was glad about and didn't care about....he went to shows while i was going through that,giving my ticket,that i paid for (surprise) to another woman and gloating on fb about it. Kept it all secret about our babies.
How could he do this? Maybe he can be,and must be being ok with her...he must've changed....how could he treat me like this (his so called 'dream woman',love of his life that he was going to grow old with) and treat her like that! Does this mean he doesn't have a PD or does it mean he's worse,a Psychopath?
Hurts so so much.

#2 Jan 29 - 3PM

Alice in Wonderland

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your help/support xoxo I really really wish karma would strike him and that he wasn't so insidious,so there could be no doubts. He's so controlled and secretive that the mask is very attached to his face and rarely ever comes off,and i often wonder if that could make him change if Ms perfect came along. This baby,if it survives,is very likely to be disabled....i keep thinking,surely that would make him change...can they be that evil to d&d then? More of his friends are settling down now (when i was with him,there weren't as many) His best friend is pregnant at the moment,looks like roughly at the same time,ironically enough. He does love to copy. He could've had that with me though.....but i don't have anything material/life style to give. I know i need to keep reminding myself that we are all props in his play (even children) and if/when any props broke/break,he would/will replace them with no hesitation,probably already has understudies. Hardest thing though,that just won't leave my mind is that when i did look online i noticed the OW's friend said 'sending love to this new family' Ouch,in went the knife! New family!? New family!? I wanted to say 'no,not 'new'....another!!!' Really hurts because he didn't care about our miscarried babies at all and he kept them secret,but it's different with their's. Who knows if he even has more secret 'families'! Sorry it took me a while to comment. Hugs to all

#3 Jan 13 - 3PM

NarcJunkie

so sorry for your pain

but janemarie is totally right: that poor woman is stuck, bound to him for life... and you are indeed LUCKY, you have been SAVED from many many years of narc hell. I know this may not ease your pain right now. But when I was dumped by a narc many years ago, my best friend said to me: "Be grateful that you don't have a child with this man" Because she did.. her son is now 11 and the narc dad continues to make her life hell every chance he gets. So they're in the honeymoon phase right now and yes, it may last longer than yours did, but not because he loves her more or miraculously stopped being a narc (wouldn't it be nice to have a cure for that!) It's because she's better supply at this moment in his life. Consider that maybe she's weaker and more complying than you were.. a better victim. Or maybe she makes him look good, like a respectable guy. I read on this site somewhere that the narcs learn from each victim. So the fact that he is now making sacrifices for her that he didn't make for you, well maybe he learned that from you... that he should do that to keep his supply happy. I also read here, many times, that narcs get worse with each relationship. Instead of imagining them happy, imagine what she might have to endure in the years to come. She will pay dearly for this illusion of happiness and you wouldn't want to trade places with her. He will cheat on her, lie to her, then discard her, he will screw up their child, he might even become physically abusive, who knows. By that time you will be free and happy... and most likely, very very grateful that you escaped this man. :)

#4 Jan 13 - 1PM

janemarie

I know how much this all

I know how much this all hurts...sucks.... I noticed you wrote, "seems to be treating her well"...How many people thought he was treating you well when you were with him on the outside while you were suffering with him behind closed doors???? They put on such an act....everything is for show so they look like these "great guys" It's a show....Im sure of it...dont be so hard on yourself... Losing a pregnancy is a horrible tradegy...but things happen for a reason...This girl is now stuck...tied to him for the rest of her life...tied to his bullshit...and abuse...consider yourself lucky..... I know its hard to think like this now when your so blindsided and all these thoughts are going through your head...but YOU were the one who escaped...YOU are now the one who gets a second chance of finding true happiness with someone who loves and respects you!!!! Dont you deserve that??? Many hugs your way!!!! xoxo

#5 Jan 13 - 1PM

Lookonthesunnyside

I'm so sorry you saw all

I'm so sorry you saw all that, I cant imagine how much that must hurt. But please rest assured that he has NOT changed and it was NOT you. Narcissists are all about an image right? So he's probably now trying to portray the whole "Im a great guy" image and probably trying to convince himself that he is as well. So he's publically (purposefully) putting on a show of being supportive and nice. I really dont think it will last though. Also, you and that woman could easily have been in each other's shoes. I think it has a lot less to do with you two as individuals, and everything to do with whatever phase he's in in his life and how he feels like portraying himself. Maybe his friends are settling down and he now wants to come across as a settled, mature person? Whereas before he thought it was cool to be an aloof player? My advice is to block him and everyone associated with him. I did this with my ex, I have over 10 people blocked on facebook. But, I caved and created another acount with the sole purpose of creeping him and his frind's profiles. (And felt way worse after I did) Sooo no judgment, its human. But at this point try to avoid everything as much as possible. And remember that the "him" you're seeing now is the person he is choosing to portray. When you were with him before you saw the real him. He could also be doing these "nice" things for this woman and then treating her badly in other ways, and probably throwing these things in her face if she ever gets upset. Men like this dont change, so dont forget that. I hope you're feeling better. One day you'll be with a man who will behave the way your ex is pretending to behave but he'll actually be genuine, and it will be without all the other bullshit that comes along with dating a narcissist. Keep your head up! You're worth more than this Im sure. Dont let those "what if he's changed/what if he loves her more/what if it was me" thoughts take over. Silence them immediately. Easier said thsn done I know. Good luck though, you'll get there xo

#6 Jan 13 - 12PM

Alice in Wonderland

I don't have access to his fb

I don't have access to his fb wall,i was on a mutual friends wall (he never usually goes on there,didn't even think he knew this friend was back on). I hadn't looked for months,but because of his actions,i slipped up....impulse. I do have to admit i'm still in love with him,but i could never get back with him after everything that's happened...i don't trust him at all and i don't like the things he does/has done. I feel crazy for feeling this. It hurts so much more because of the babies (i'm very much still grieving for them)....it feels like he can be like that with her and their baby,then what on earth happened with me and our babies.....completly opposite reaction...it was all a lie,a game,a facade. Why not with her,he's been with her longer and he's there (he left me...obliterated me more like) Maybe it's just taking longer for his mask to slip for her.....she does have money/status/great social life,maybe that's his pull I wish i'd never met him

#7 Jan 13 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

TNR1

It hurts so much more because

It hurts so much more because of the babies (i'm very much still grieving for them)....it feels like he can be like that with her and their baby,then what on earth happened with me and our babies.....completly opposite reaction...it was all a lie,a game,a facade. Why not with her,he's been with her longer and he's there (he left me...obliterated me more like) Maybe it's just taking longer for his mask to slip for her.....she does have You don't know what is going on with them. You aren't her and you don't know the situation. You are making a lot of assumptions about his behavior that honestly have no basis in reality. Just because he is acting on the web like he cares, does not mean that that translates to how he behaves behind closed doors. She may be in denial. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and he hasn't changed. You are the lucky one in this equation and yet, you have set up comparisons that make it seem like she is getting something you didn't. Think this instead: Boy, I am LUCKY that I am away from this manipulative, abusive man. I am grateful that I found a community where I can learn about his disorder and figure out ways to avoid another abusive relationship. In my head I know that there are no happy endings with Narcs and I will repeat that to myself as long as it takes for me to believe it. I also know that regardless of what he is posting on any website, it is another form of manipulation as it does not show the full picture of who he is and is oftentimes, just for "show" or "supply". I realize that there is nothing fundamentally different in him and as such, he will end up treating any new girl the way he treated me. I am proud of myself because I am doing the work that it will take to make my life better. I was a great person before I met him and nothing has changed since we parted. I have my whole life ahead of me to find someone who will be my equal partner and give me back the love that I give to him.

#8 Jan 13 - 12PM

TNR1

I am a big believer that when

I am a big believer that when it comes to Mr. N, what I don't know can't harm me. Had you not seen the post on his wall (and why, why do you still have access to that??) you would not have known all you do now that is causing you so much distress. Block him, block her. You are only hurting yourself by doing a search on him. Let him go. Let him be with who he is going to be with and let the comparisons go. How could he do that to the love of his life? Because the love of his life is what he sees when he looks in the mirror. Everyone else is supply...regardless of the words he uses. He doesn't care one iota about you or this new woman...it's all an act (as Hunter said..smoke and mirrors). He doesn't have empathy...stop trying to make it out like he does but isn't showing it..it's not there. Do you honestly want to go back to this man? If the answer is no..then brush yourself off and block away. If the answer is "maybe" or "yes", then you really need to ask yourself what you think he has yet to show you that he hasn't already. Because I can tell you that there is nothing more there. He is who he is and he showed you his true self as he devalued and discarded you. The other man, the idealization man...he's just actor. He doesn't truly exist. Might as well be wishing for 1. cows to fly or 2. Narcs to disappear off this planet. Unfortunately...it's not going to happen (although I would really like it if 2 were possible). In any event, we are here for you. HUGS.

#9 Jan 13 - 11AM

Hunter

It's all smoke & mirrors..

It's all smoke & mirrors.. Without knowing all the details it's hard to say.. Do you live with him? No so how do you know what's really going on., Stop snoopIng..Contact = Pain Hunter

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