1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. Why The Pangs?

Why The Pangs?

7 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 11 - 6PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Why The Pangs?

It's been just about a year since I joined this site and went NC with my ex. I've made no attempts to contact him, resisted his hoover attempt last summer, built a fulfilling life without him, and am daily coming to new understandings and realizations about our relationship and the things I turned a blind eye to then. I love the peace I have in my life without him and am so proud of myself for being one of the few women he was ever involved with who called his bluff, so to speak, when he walked out of my life and refused to either chase him down or let him back into my world when he tried.

So why, then, do I still sometimes have pangs of missing him? Why am I still sometimes jealous of the floozy? I have my running list of red flags where he's concerned, and I'm now up to #110 on the list; I see clearly that he's not a good person. So why am I still thinking about him? Why am I wishing he would think of me every once in awhile? And how long before this part of it goes away?

Jan 11 - 11PM
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

Me too, me too

I'm 6 months NC. Actually I was D&D'd at Christmas 2010 but I hung on for dear life, thereby allowing a 2nd D&D enhanced by sexual betrayal 6 months later. I've read umpteen books, written unsent cathartic letters, and come back from a terrible place. My closest friends helped me a lot - it was as if I was the screaming mourner and they were dragging me away from an open grave. I've even met a wonderful man who passes every Narcissist Litmus Test (taking my time). But the flashbacks, pangs and waves of sorrow still return. My dreams are particularly telling. In the earliest days, I dreamed that the Narc was speaking softly and sweetly into my ear, or I could hear his throaty laughter and feel his chest vibrating against mine. So vivid! More recently I dreamed that I was in a room and the Narc, knowing I was standing right there, had sex with the New Supply right in front of me. Doesn't take any Siggie Freud to figure that one out, huh. I try not to, but I wonder what he's up to. I've stopped looking to see if he has re-posted himself on the dating website (which he did once in October for a time). I too would take some strange satisfaction from seeing him betray the New Supply as he did me. The jealousy recurs, and I can almost taste the bitterness when I think about how I gave him my soul, my heart, my time, my essence and he discarded all of it so callously. You'd think by now I wouldn't need to, but I keep re-eading books on Narcissism and BPD until they are dog-eared (they are already tear-stained). I have resigned myself to the fact that these aftershocks, this undercurrent of pain, may never go away completely, like the ringing in my ears that began at Christmas 2010 and has never not for a single moment gone away since. (Our bodies don't lie.) Still, things get a tiny bit better as time moves along. Maybe there will come a day when my brain is not invaded.
Jan 11 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MandyM

You miss the illusion. If he stood before you today the truth would reveal itself once again and you would snap back to reality. I'm sure the time you had with him wasn't all that great. You've just subconsciously discarded the bad stuff. Our minds tend to do that to keep us "safe". Remember the truth is what you have now.
Jan 11 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Intellectually, I know this.

Intellectually, I know this. It's just that for whatever reason, my heart is a little slow in getting up to speed. I think it's validation I'm looking for. My list isn't quite enough. I want him to do to the floozy what he did to me so I know it wasn't me. I want to talk to one of his exes/women "friends" to compare notes so, again, I know it wasn't me. And again, intellectually, I know I'm never going to get that. I could easily contact a number of those "friends;" I know who they are, and we have mutual friends. But the last thing I would want is for word to get back to my ex that I'm poking around asking questions about him and them - I refuse to risk losing my dignity, looking like a stalker, and giving him any sort of satisfaction that he's still on my mind a year and a half after he left, not to mention the opportunity to bad-mouth me to everyone we both know. So getting info on his past history with them is out. As for the floozy - for all I know, he'll be with her for years, and I would certainly hope that I'll have long since forgotten about him by then and not be waiting to see if he's devastated her the way he did me. So validation is out. I know I need to muddle through this on my own. Sometimes it's just hard, that's all.
Jan 11 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MandyM

It is hard and you have stepped up and done the work. Have you ever heard the saying: "It's like putting a clean sheet on a moldy mattress." Whatever his life looks like on the outside. It STINKS underneath it all. You're in a much better place now.
Jan 11 - 8PM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Same. I long for

Same. I long for something....?? Maybe it was the promise of, the plans, the potential, the excitement of how close we felt? I don't know the answer, but if you find it first plz let us all know....I
Jan 11 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I still miss the dream the

I still miss the dream the dog whisperer promised.. They said it takes 2 yrs to be fully healed.. I keep reminding myself how I was and how I am now.. There is a big difference.. He did this to me 20 years ago .. I remember it took a long time.. So, Chin up it's only going to get better from here..sky's the limit.. Hunter