It is a war....and I want to win

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#1 Jan 5 - 8PM

Skb

It is a war....and I want to win

Ok. I get it all. He is a psychopath. He feels NO remorse. HE WILL NOT APOLOGIZE. He has moved on to the next victim.

I am good w NC. But I WANT REVENGE. I WANT THE LAST WORD. I WANT TO BEAT HIM. I want to win the war because he is the creep and he doesn't deserve to win. How does NC do that? Does anyone understand.

I have come so far since August when I couldn't get out of bed because I found out about the ow or since November 13 when he dumped me because I dared go to her and tell her the truth about him (They HATE that) or since December when he hid in her house like a coward and had HER call the police. It is just this one last hurdle.

#2 Jan 7 - 2PM

Journey

Skb, your frustration is

Skb, your frustration is understandable, but there is no way to 'win' a war with a psychopath. Even if you totally exposed him for what he is, if he was arrested, executed... whatever, there is no winning. What damage he has done to you in the past will remain the same, the pain he has caused you will not magically disappear because you get some kind of revenge on him. Staying in the war and trying to fight him will only cause more pain now and in your future BECAUSE of HIM. Who really ever wins when we talk about a war... casualties will be the result EVERY time. No contact is the closest to 'winning' we can get. It is the ONLY thing that takes you out of the war and into peace. It tells him you have taken his power over you away and that is what WILL feel like a victory for you. Any other reaction from you now that he knows about, tells him he is STILL in control, regardless of it being a positive or negative one on your part. How NC helps you win is that he no longer has control and that to them IS losing! By default, in the end, you win. Journey on...

Journey on...

#3 Jan 7 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

Skb

Thank you for this

I have left him voicemails this week calling him everything he is and telling him he needs help etc. Telling him someday I hope he is man enough to apologize. Telling him about how I have learned more of his lies.... Blah blah blah. He won't get it. Your words are so true. it is time to stop fighting. I cannot get the victory I want which is an apology for all of the years of lies. It will never happen. And I will be stuck where I right now if I don't move on. Thank you again.

#4 Jan 7 - 11PM (Reply to #20)

Journey

You're welcome Skb and

You're welcome Skb and remember, even if he did apologize, it will be hollow, without real remorse and likely won't make you feel any less hurt or angry. The only reason they apologize is to cover their tracks, to appear to do the 'right' thing. If anything, an apology from him now could hurt you worse, cause you to feel sadder to have 'lost' what you thought you had, confuse you into caring about HIM again and even create doubt in you that he is really 'all that bad' and possibly could instill hope in you that he could change if the apology seems sincere enough. That will not help you or make you feel any better. The cog dis will be worse, trust me, I've been through it. I remember when mine apologized to me, a couple months after the final D&D. I believed he felt remorse for hurting me (this was before I discovered this website and NPD). The pain that apology brought me anew was so hard to process, the relief of hearing it so short lived. Believing he cared is worse than knowing he doesn't. I missed him more because of it, was sadder at what I thought I lost - thinking our relationship/friendship did mean something to him after all, when it really didn't (but it was months after before that realization would become clear to me and I relived the sadness and pain of his discard and what I considered my loss, over and over until it finally did). You are in a position now to walk away with power - you KNOW what he is and as angry as that makes you feel, anger will create in you more active forward motion toward healing than sadness will at this point. Leaving voice mails is pointless and only feeds the beast. Let your silence fight the battle from now on... it really is the only way to come out the victor!! (hugs)

Journey on...

#5 Jan 7 - 2AM

Im_always_fine

I've always had such a

I've always had such a problem with the chasm between the blinding bright promise of who he portrayed himself to be...and the low budget prick he really turned out to be. EVERYTHING... I mean EVERYTHING about him is a lie. He's a total fraud!! There's such a disconnect! What I was promised and what I got aren't even in the same league!! It outrages me. I would dearly love to expose him....ruin him. BUT I won't give him another ounce of my blood sweat or tears. ALL of my effort is going into rebuilding...recovering...and leaving him far in the past. I KNOW deep down that he is terrified of becoming NOTHING to me. It's the worst thing I can do to him. So I will!!

#6 Jan 7 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

Skb

I could have written this

Word for word.....I could have written this. It amazes me how similiar our stories are at times. Which is what gives me hope, knowing our recoveries can be similiar too.

#7 Jan 6 - 8PM

blueworld

take your power back

i never thought after three months and being in a different state that douchbag would text me or anyone around me EVER i went nc oct 7th. but he did and he did it because he is now aware i blocked him EVERYWHERE nc=fuck you nc=i dont need you nc=im not broken without you nc=i have the power nc=i am in control nc=i am strong and i am a fighter...for my own life

#8 Jan 6 - 7PM

juliamarie

Felt the same way....

The good news is that angry is a very healthy emotion...much more useful than the crying in bed helpless stage. NC is truly the best way to annoy a Narc....mostly because you know at some point, they will hit a rough patch with the ow...and you won't be there. And he will be mad. I had to ask myself...repeatedly....am I sad because this person is not in my life...or am I sad that he had the audacity to dump ME?? Me, who was there for him when no one else was... Turns out that I was more upset about losing...than I was about losing him. When you shift your focus to you....and living your best life, you won't really care as much about revenge. It gets boring. He loses everyday because he is a Narc...incapable of a healthy relationship...with ANYONE. You have the ability to be a loving partner to someone who is able to love. You have the ability to go on and live a beautiful life. He doesn't. That's pretty good revenge in my book.

#9 Jan 7 - 2AM (Reply to #14)

bgirl

Juliamarie I think you called

Juliamarie I think you called me on this one...i do think it was the injustice of the dumping snd the betrsyal...not actually being dumped by HIM per se. He's really not that big a prize...

#10 Jan 6 - 4PM

dabussard

I agree

Silence = Fuck You... But, the N that screwed with my life, has so many OW's that when one is mad he has 3 or 4 more waiting for him to call.. He is really good at what he does... I am so glad to be out of that circle of supply... Even though it still hurts like H#$%... These guys are animals... Mine still acts like he is 13... So immature....

#11 Jan 6 - 4PM

HardToBelieve

Someone..

Someone who feels no remorse won't be hurt by you if you lash back and try and hurt, beat, abuse him. He's going to find it amusing. Someone who doesn't have a conscience or any remorse won't find your revenge hurtful. Anyone with empathy would. I understand you. But at the end of the day it's going to hurt you more, especially if you don't get the responce you were looking for. (Imaging him laughing in your face? Acting indifferent? Abusing you back?)

#12 Jan 6 - 3PM

peaches

winning

I understand your feeling. I have wanted to get revenge, ruin his chances with other women, slash his tires, egg his truck, smash his belongings in his driveway. Some of those things I actually have done and now I feel regret and shame about them. So I ended up hurting myself, as was posted her the other day-you can't hurt someone else without hurting yourself. The best way to win a war is to STOP FIGHTING. Which is NC! My best revenge at this point is living well and getting myself back. The real me doesn't do things like slash tires and throw eggs at someone's property. Love yourself Skb. Best Wishes in your recovery, Peaches

#13 Jan 6 - 9AM

Movingforwardnow

Do they all act like they are the boss?

I fantasize about running into him years from now and i am with some new loving, compassionate man...I will introduce him by saying "this is my old boss..." My exN will get it because when we fought I would say "You are not my BOSS, you are suppose to be my partner" I know stupid fantasy but it makes me smile.

#14 Jan 6 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

mystwoman

I can very much relate to

I can very much relate to this, mcastle. Narcs love control. They want to be in control constantly, and they want to control everything around them (including people). In short, they want to act like the boss. Xnh and I used to have many, many arguments about both his bossy behavior and his unreasonable perfectionism, which he applied to everyone BUT himself. Two of my most common statements that I said to xnh were: "Just because you're bossy does NOT mean that you're the boss." and "Just because you're an anal-retentive perfectionist does NOT meant that you can make up sets of rules for your neighbors to follow." Xnh used to totally piss the crap out of me the way he would follow me around and redo whatever tasks I did. Then he would try to instruct me about how to do the job "correctly" (meaning do it HIS way). He would tell me that he was only trying to be "helpful" (aka, controlling), and that I had no reason to get upset. Right. Unasked for advice is like Castor oil. It's easy to give, but dreadful to take. Usually xnh's "helpful" attitude ended up with me telling him to stick it up his ass, and do the job himself. Then I just quite doing anything around the house. Period. Why bother when he was going to criticize everything I did, and redo it all anyway? Of course, then nothing ever got done because according to xnh, he was always "too busy", and he raged at me for being "lazy". There's just no pleasing someone with a personality disorder. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#15 Jan 6 - 5AM

bgirl

I can SO relate to this. All

I can SO relate to this. All of it. Even the part about teliing the truth to the other party and then using her as a shield and as his bidder from that day on. How cowardly to hide behind the woman he is abusing...can you imagine the sob story he concocted. I have the same extreme revenge thoughts as you. I would love to make a whole lot of WANTED type poster and hang them around his home town with a mug shot and a list of all of his despicable traits...i fantasise about this a lot..him having to tear them down one by one lol But instead I go NC, stay composed on the outside whilst being a mess on the inside. Hope one day he doesn't matter. That's my wish.

#16 Jan 6 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

Skb

That is my wish too

That is my wish too. I want to stop making it about him and let it be about me. I guess only time and hard work will get me there.

#17 Jan 5 - 11PM

Im_always_fine

The BEST BEST BEST revenge is

The BEST BEST BEST revenge is truly forgetting them. I pray that one day in 5 years I'm in Starbucks or somewhere that I run into him and it's been SO LONG since he ever crossed my mind that I genuinely don't recognize him. Wouldn't it be sweet for him to have to remind me of who he is?!! Being forgotten is their personal nightmare.

#18 Jan 5 - 9PM

Hunter

Sweet Revenge

Silence = Fuck You.. They love attention..negative or positive.. Silence ... Makes an unhappy Narc. You moving on ,making a life for yourself.. Thriving in spite of him.. Spells Sweet Revenge to me.. He will stay exactly the same... Evil... Hunter

#19 Jan 5 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

Skb

I didn't think of it that way

SILENCE = FUCK YOU Words to live by. Thank you. I hope you are right!

#20 Jan 5 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

GeorgiaGirl

She is right

silence is the ultimate fuck you! NC, NC, NC!!

#21 Jan 5 - 9PM

bakingfortherapy

I understand your feelings....

....completely.... I wanted the last word...many many words... But the words won't matter. The Narcs DO NOT care what you say. The way we win is by getting away from these sick manipulative bastards and really living our lives! That's truly winning Oh but how Ive been there!!!!!! :)

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