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Experiencing the effects of a trigger

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#1 Jan 5 - 11AM
peaches
peaches's picture

Experiencing the effects of a trigger

Ug! My friend saw him in a town about an hour away and said he was still wearing the "Superman" hat I gave him. I am surprised that her sharing that info with me triggered me into obsessive thinking about what he is doing there and still wearing that hat I bought him over 3 yrs ago when I was deceived by the delusive character-the Knight in Shining Amor syndrome. He was my Superman-ARG!! I had a nightmare last night that he came to my house with a beautiful ow, who was a lawyer with 3 children. She said she wanted the truth about he and I or she wouldn't sleep with him. He had told her he could walk through my door with her and her kids and still get me in bed the very same day. So in the dream I was actually considering sleeping with him. In reality I was very sick when he was part of my life. He crossed every boundary I ever had and I would still make him breakfast instead of telling him to get the hell out and never come back. I had the delusion that treating him with unconditional love would help him change back into my knight in shining armor. Through this recovery I shift from self loathing and anger to self-forgiveness and self love. The loathing and anger is very disturbing and uncomfortable. Today I want to get back to forgiveness and love and know I genuinely don't care about where in the hell he is and what he has on his sick,empty, pinhead.
p.s. Going to tell my friend not to report to me about him ever.

Jan 6 - 10AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

There is a band that Mr. N is

There is a band that Mr. N is really into and whenever I go shopping, there is a good chance that I will hear one of their songs playing in the background. It doesn't affect me the same way, but it still causes me to wax sentimental.
Jan 6 - 6AM
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

superman

I think superman-ism is a red flag. This is not the first time Ive noticed men who like to wear superman attire are narcissistic. In a way its obvious why lol. Its like an exterior label to identify them
Jan 6 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

funny thought...

My Narc liked to wear "Marine", "Air Force" shirt and was obsessed with military history. He never served a day and it used to really bug me that he ran his races with those official shirts on as well.. he was a cowardly weeny
Jan 5 - 10PM
purplekaty
purplekaty's picture

Good idea

I forgot to tell my co-workers I don't want to hear about him we usualyy don't talk about him (he got fired months ago) but tonight he came in for a visit and 2 texts that he was there sent me into just alittle spin (I came right here) now coming out of itthen he just called to tell me first that he was there, he didnt talk about me just there to get drunk and have a good time ....whatever I want to change my number but job hunting right now as soon as I get job will definatly change number but for now gonna stay NC and pray pray pray
Jan 5 - 1PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Peaches

I think that is a good idea. I have told all of my closest friends that I do not want to hear anything about the ex Narc or the OW. I don't even say their names anymore and it has really been helpful.
Jan 5 - 1PM
strong_enough
strong_enough's picture

I feel your pain. I was just

I feel your pain. I was just triggered yesterday as well when a co-worker texted me that the OW was at one of the facilities I go to for work. I immediately started thinking about what I would say if we ran into one another. My anger resurfaced and I became anxious. However, at the end of the day, I feel sorry for her b/c she is being manipulated in exactly the same way I was. And she is still in the "idealization" phase. Plus, if I would yell at her or confront her it would only reinforce the fact that I am "crazy" like he has told her I am. I also thought / felt that my unconditional love would "help" or "fix" this man; but in the end they don't need unconditional love, they just need someone to inflate their ego and integrate their projections. They don't "get" what it means to give or receive unconditional love b/c they are incapable of it! I read this last night on an old post, "It would be simpler if the Narc were an absolute monster, but he was once a tender lover. (The victim now believes) he acts like this because he is not well. She believes: He can change; she therefore will change him." I tried this route before the NPD was discovered and it failed me miserably. We must stick to the Path Forward!
Jan 5 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Yes.. Tell your friend not to

Yes.. Tell your friend not to report info to you.. The Hat.. He likes it.. It's a nice hat... Asshole...maybe a bird will shit on it! :) Time will allow you to continue to move forward.. Hunter
Jan 5 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
Dee30
Dee30's picture

Hunter

This is a good idea Hunter, I deleted me and the Ns mutual friends from my phone., off fb, and even my sister changed her number as she has mutaul friends with my N. on new years i went to a house party very close to his area. It triggered alot of anxiety. well of course he is in india. but even then it bothered me. brought back painful memories..
Jan 5 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
heritage
heritage's picture

Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!! it

Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!! it took Hunter to give me my first laugh of the day!!! Thanks!!!!!!!
Jan 5 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Peach, good move on telling

your friend. While it seems on the surface like it's not contact, hearing about them is contact by proxy and it causes loads of triggers regardless of what stage you're at. At 13 months out, I still get triggered by the mere sight of his name. I avoid any and all interactions with anyone even remotely connected to him because he must be dead to me in order for my healing and survival. Don't have self-loathing, Peaches! This is an excellent, honest post about self-realization! It's like a light shining on the painful part because you are seeing the truth now and not liking that. That's such a good thing! It means you will recognize the boundary issues and work on what it was that kept you in magical thinking. You are working on it! This post proves it! You should feel good about that! Peaches, we all clung to the CD idea that they would revert back into the charming, charismatic man who swept us off our feet because that's who we feel in love with! It's not our fault that they began with a lie! Don't take it on! Now you know better and you'll do better. Peaches, most importantly, tell your friend talk of him is off limits. You have been doing so great in your total NC! Keep the buzz alive. This too shall pass. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT

spinning

Jan 5 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Triggers suck.........there

Triggers suck.........there is no "lady like" way to say it. But they are part of the package, part of the learning, as hard as it is to accept. Triggers keep things in perspective, remind you of the pain you endured so you don't forget.......it's necessary. But it still sucks. Boundaries.......your friend needs to be told of them. People can be cold and insensitive, without even thinking.....let them know under no circumstances, are they to bring him up. And stand firm! Keep up the great work!