A Real Relationship...

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#1 Dec 23 - 3PM

ReclaimingPower

A Real Relationship...

I'm wondering if there are women/men here who have worked through the healing and embraced the revelations from this experience, begun to identify and work through some of the areas that became clear, and have drawn in a healthy, loving relationship. Not only a loving relationship with themselves but a healthy one with another person.

What does that feel like? What does it look like? After living a life of expecting the abnormal to appear normal and having to have the extreme N experience reveal it's not, I'm so curious. And hopeful. And expectant. And willing and ready to discard anything that doesn't feel loving and full of self worth. But still curious.

Can anyone returning to this forum share their new reality?

#2 Dec 23 - 7PM

maky1

I've been away from the narc

I've been away from the narc and in no contact with him for 2 years now! yeay! and he is out of sight and out of mind! I no longer look back at it with any pain. I wish I didn't spend so much time grieving it and the havoc it wreaked on my skin, but hey-- I learned a lot. And I can say that I am happy. Concentrating on me and what I want to do with my life and the new ventures I am starting is very nice. I have recently started putting it out there that I would like to date again. I would like a relationship, but I am also happy alone and doing my thing. I went on a few dates with a nice guy, but wasn't really interested. It was nice to date with a new approach, though. He wanted to make out right away, and I was able to control that and make him date me. I never got to the point of wanting to make out with him, tho, cuz i just wasn't that into him, but it was nice to go slow and pay attention to what he says and evaluate if we are a good fit rather than my hormones going nuts or dating to not be alone. I like that I look at the dating process differently now and am more aware of what I want and how important it is to have values that match. I have a good friend who just got engaged, and I am so happy for her. She is the example you are looking for. Spent too many years with the wrong men and jumped from one bad one to the next. She finally stopped dating anyone and decided to just get her sh#t together and focus on her own life. She did work on her house, loved her dogs, made new career contacts... All the while she figured she may end up alone and came to peace with it and didn't put pressure on herself about having a man. She figured she would be alone because she was pushing 50. But no age is ever too late. One day she was out with friends and a new guy was there. She didn't really pay attention cuz he wasn't her usual type. But she thought he was nice. They all went out again and this time she gave him a ride home. Getting to talk to him one-on-one, she realized he was a pretty cool guy. He suggested they meet up sometime for coffee. As they were out alone, she started to realize that he was a lot of fun to be around. It kept going from there. They are now engaged, and from the stories I hear from her, she has found a really great guy. They took it slow and got to know each other and didn't rush into anything. She had a good time dating him and no drama. Everything just fell into place, and she often had to pinch herself because she never knew it could be like that. She had always experienced drama with men. She felt more herself with this guy because she had taken the time to get to know herself and love herself. She tells me that, and she tells me to do my thing and fall in love with myself and accept all my quirks. She says that sometimes she feels weird telling people how happy she is because sometimes people want to cut you down, but she feels she deserves to be happy. so true. She also says that she is an example of someone who went through the wringer and came out of it and found a great guy, and if it can happen for her at her age, she feels it can happen for anyone at any time.

#3 Dec 23 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

ReclaimingPower

Wow

Thank you Maky! That does bring hope. Right now I am learning to enjoy the silence, finding peace in being alone and not feeling like I need to be out or do anything. I do think the holidays bring a special challenge especially the first year out. I'm trying so hard not to slip backwards in my thoughts and all the progress made just because "love is in the air." LOL....I don't want the N's type of love again and don't want to be lulled into a false web in a moment of vulnerability. Thank you so much!

#4 Dec 23 - 5PM

Femmegem

Hi RP

This may help but refers to a relationship pre-Narc: I came out of an abusive relationship with someone very passionate and intense but possessive! He was scary, and I vowed to always be grateful of my singledom since. He was handsome and strong and older. A few months after I finally released him, I struck up an unlikely friendship with a young, nerdy, and not conventionally good looking boy. We grew close and became best friends. We fell into a relationship, I never found him attractive but our friendship was incredible, we REALLY cared for each other. He wanted marriage and kids, I didn't so we eventually broke up because he sensed I didn't sexually desire him. I loved him in a different way but it wasn't enough. Though I was physically faithful, emotionally I wasn't. Sexually it was boring and mundane , but a true form of love borne out of friendship and affection. I would never ever look at another man if I found this kind of love again. We fully accepted each other but also ADMIRED each others personalities. Despite his looks I was so proud of.him because of his perfect honest and loyal character. He's moved on but he will always mean a lot to me. His love held me in good stead when I met narc, because though I felt Passion I knew deep down it was wrong, it wasn't like with my best friend. Its nice, and there ARE good men out there, be open about who you get to know, there may be a hidden treasure waiting to be found. Much love

#5 Dec 23 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

ReclaimingPower

I think I might be getting a

I think I might be getting a bit wistful and lonely....a dangerous place to be right now. Ugh..

#6 Dec 23 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Femmegem

You'll enjoy the space

Thats natural but you won't.feel that way forever. You'll have good days and bad but the trick is to enjoy.being.on your own, and love all the good things about not having to endure the trauma anymore. That's when you're most likely to meet someone nice, when you're at your brightest and happiest! Think about what.you were like when you met that nice guy? I believe these experiences bring us closer to whoever is right for us, because.we make better choices. Look ahead hon, now the narc has gone, a good life awaits you! As for the narc: Happy Christmas you arsewipe Thank God we didn't last! Haha.

#7 Dec 23 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

ReclaimingPower

xoxoxox

YES! Thank you and Thank God! :)

#8 Dec 23 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

ReclaimingPower

Awww

Thank you Femmegem....I just know I'm not willing to settle for one without the other. While I know I won't be looking for overwhelming passion like I've felt with the romantic N's in the past, I do need attraction. I made the awful mistake of trying to enter into a relationship with a genuinely kind man before the N who treated me with respect and liked me forever and a day thinking perhaps the attraction piece would grow and I only ended up hurting him terribly because it was so obvious I had no feelings for him. Sometimes you see older couples walking in the malls holding hands, or a couple exchanging a loving glance....you just have to wonder. My parents always fought, and even though my father died when I was young, even then I knew there were other women. He would take us out and the women would show up and give him gifts and be all over him right in front of us without our mother there. And yet I loved him so; I even said to one of my past N's how much he reminded me of my father in some ways -- you think the lightbulb would have went off then. I suppose time will tell.....

#9 Dec 23 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Femmegem

Totally Understand

You're welcome! Oh no.....about.your Dad, if you ever told the Narc why he would've probably used it against you! I'm so glad you've experienced kindness though. I really believe it is possible to have both. I once became very attracted to a guy I wouldn't have looked twice at just because we became so close, he was my first love, but we went our seperate ways. I think you'll see good healthy relationships differently from now on. I wouldn't have gone near the nice physically gentle uni student if I didn't experience the physical abuser. Now, I believe I should be able to recognise.emotionally healthy and gentle individuals too. I honestly think now we're dealing with this, we can definitely find better. As you say, we will see .....

#10 Dec 23 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

ReclaimingPower

New eyes! Hopefully we will

New eyes! Hopefully we will be able to come back to this post at some point and answer it ourselves. :) Have a wonderful night and thanks for the positive lift! :)

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