Things aren't working

Please watch Gaslight. All the parts to the movie are on Youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvNQv6Ro26w http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

WTF? This is still going on? YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF MALLORY! Ok, I'm sorry for yelling. Damn! I am so mad right now? How do you do this? I almost can't read this - I feel my blood pressure on the rise... Whew Well, let's start here: I need to move on, but the space I need is interupted every three to four weeks with his visits, and with each visit, the games begin. EXACTLY. You will not survive like this. This is clear. He sent me a couple f emails and texts letting me know how hard it is for him to leave us. I feel so trapped. I know I need to cut communication. I know I need no contact, yet I am stuck communicating with him do to the kids, and their situation. Come on, I can tell from the way you wrote this that you respoded, Mallory. If he is saying "its hard for me to leave the kids and you" that is NOT a reason to respond. NO! NO! NO! That being said, I know the tricks - my N played one tonight: goes a little something like this: "Did you wash (DD's) hair last night?" (I'd like to respond with a 'fuck you! don't you know your d is 5 y.o. and she can tell you herself you fu*king moron' (BTW - i hate your N; he's got me swearing again) I formulated a plan for me tonight that I'm going to stick to. If I feel by not responding to him that a Judge can hold me accountable to that - I will respond with a Yes/No/or short, very informative reply. If a judge ever says to me "why didn't you respond about the hair washing, grossot?" then that judge should go f a chicken. We spent the day with the kids, and then we went out for dinner. One big happy sick family. I don't like this. This is going to F your kids up. You are not happy Mallory! Do you even know that? He cannot tell you what to do. He's playing mind games and trying to make you think being with him is a present to you! Stop it! These kids need you to be HAPPY. keep reading (I'm getting there).... The kids and I get home, and it is obvious that he came back to my houe after we all left. Barbara has addressed this. Let me just add....he is a sick disgusting pathological with zero boundaries and I'd like to see an orgy of chickens do bad things to him. My kid's therapist wants me present at the visits because my son doesn't want to be alone with dad at this point. He wants me to be around during the visits. and N agrees to S visits if its you!!!!! NO!!! This is total control! Why does he get to call the shots? If you've already agreed to that simply tell the professionals involved, 'Ive tried it; it is not good for the kids to see us together due to his controlling, abusive ways. I am agreeable to him coming into my house to see the kids ONLY if (s -third party) is the supervisor. I am no longer comfortable with being the supervisor but I am not going to allow the children to be with him alone' Sorry, Mr. therapist - get real - how is this good for the kids? I do not get this at all. Mallory, If you feel like I do about this tell the therapist this does not have the children's best interest at heart. Third party. period. You need a break. I thought it was the end of the world when I had to let my baby go 2 weekends a month....I can't change that so instead I worked on MEEEEEE - helping myself. And Finally: How do I protect myself and the kids from this vampire, when the courts won't do it? Just say NO! Write formal, very nice letters to the therapists and lawyers. You do not have to agree with this. Your interest is the kids. Do not send the letter to your N. Perhaps just a quick email saying "due to schedule your visitation will need to be delayed until.....(ex: Feb). Who cared if it's the holidays. Can you take your kids and you on a destination holiday? He doesn't have to know shit. What you do with them is your business. The key is stick to your ground. You have to go all the way. No wishywashy. You can be firm and not a bitch (even tho he thinks you will be ) No worries......he's going to think that anyway. I know it's hard Mallory - I cannot imagine going through this. keeep us posted. http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

For him this situation is working. He's controling you & intimidating you & getting to you through the children. You must change the locks. Is there anybody else who can supervise these visits? Even a paid babysitter? If the child's therapist recommends that there be no 'alone' visitation, then get that in writing & have it presented to the court. If there's a real reason for no 'alone' visitation, then maybe there can be some supervised visitation through the court. The child may insist on you being together because he wants to have mommy & daddy reconciled, not because he is afraid of his father. Are you being manipulated by a child as well? I know you want the child to be happy & safe, but is he really in any physical or psychological danger when he is alone with the father? Financials should be discussed with the lawyer. What an idea to talk to a child's therapist! These guys are really crazy & they get us to go along with their nonsense. How do they do it? Anyhow . . . tell him to have his lawyer call your lawyer to discuss financials. He wants to get you to agree to something which will be to his benefit. It's all about control. He wants to talk with the therapist because he believes he can get her to agree with him & you will submit to what he wants. These guys are just so slick & convincing to the others who have not had the pleasure of 24/7. The banality of evil is that it manifests itself in the smallest details. & we look crazy & petty if we tell an outsider how they are oppressing by what seem to be minor concessions in the give & take of life. But there is no give on their part & they take, & take, & take. I bet if you stopped being available for visitation supervision, dinners, etc -- he'll stop visiting the children soon enough. You have to stop being "nice." Who cares how hard it is for him to leave the children after visitation? I hope you don't care? He wants you to care . . . to feel guilty, whatever. He's still feeding off of you. Don't even answer his 'woe is me' e-mails. He's probably being overall nice to new girlfriend & still gets to vent his weirdnesses on you. It's all about your submission to his control. When you are no longer his punching bag, he'll have to start on her. (Not your problem.) His mom does not visit if you don't want to see her. What's the point of that? Perhaps to beat you down on the financials as well? There's something in his mom visiting you which he has an investment in. His mom can come & stay in the same hotel with him & they can take the kids out together. Do not see her if you do not want to. Stop being "nice" & "polite." His mom helped to create this monster. And he should not have visitation at your house if you don't want it. He just wants to exert control over your space. Let him take the kids to the hotel room or zoo, whatever. He is their father. But I think that if he has NC with you, he may very well lose interest in the kids.

Hi Malloryforest, I have a daughter with my ex and i have had no contact with him since about 2 months now. My solicitor is sending a letter about the contact centre even though he is disuputing it. He wants to have handover in a public place once weekly. I have said no to this. If he ever comes near my house i will call the police. Enough is enough. Why are you listening to all these people and not to your gut feeling. It is obvious you don't like and can't do it the way you are doing it. You may as well be with him and in a relationship with him if you are going out playing happy (not) families. How misleading for everyone. Why do you feel you have to do this? If i don't and many others then why do you? I would rather die than put myself through any more pain than no contact already does to me.

God this makes me mad. It's all wrong. You should not be there for him to supervise the children. If he needs supervised visits do this in a contact centre and don't see him. It's mixed messages for the children and confusing for them. I changed the locks. The police said they couldn't advise me on this but said they didn't blame me if I did change the locks. You're too involved and you need to get your power back because at the moment it seems as if he has all the power. Finances are strictly between lawyers, not your therapist, he is using this situation to control you. As for the mother, NO she can't come to your house, next!. Block his email, who cares how hard it is for him to leave, he DID leave and he can go and sit with himself. My exN gives presents to the children but no maintenance. The children will see through all this in time, and not much time either. Don't go for dinner or anywhere with him, the children will think you're ok with him (and the courts), they need protecting. He may well get unsupervised like your lawyer says, but don't make it easy. The more accommodating you are with him the more this will go against you if for some reason you have to go to court. He may give up at some point when he doesn't get to you. Try not to look too much into the future as no one knows what's going to happen, one step at a time.

Girl, I know how hard this has been for you, but you're in deep. He is getting everything he wants. Your therapist gave bad advice, you should not be there at visits. And definitely never have him over, go to dinner, etc. You need a stand in so you NEVER have to see his ass. PERIOD. Screw the therapist, she's clueless if she thinks it's okay for this muther-fu**** to be in the same room with you, let alone those poor kids. The hope is, he'll get sick of it and the visits will diminish. Sorry malllory, but with all the walking all over you, and your description of what he's doing, it is just infuriating to read...I can't imagine what living it must be like. You feel helpless it seems in all of this, I'm not sure what else to say to try to be helpful. My heart goes out to you... He seriously makes me want to puke.