To make peace....?

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 19 - 3AM

bgirl

To make peace....?

Hi....was just wondering...as many ppl say we can control our thoughts.
I have two main thoughts....keep recurring.....polar opposites.
So which one do I try and kill off for the best chance of recovery.

I loved this person unconditionally and he just couldn't love me back

This person tried to destroy me and he should be despised.

I am so confused....how do you come to a peaceful 'wrap up' or conclusion in your own head?

#2 Dec 21 - 3AM

dulcinea441

The way to make peace is to

The way to make peace is to let go completely of the dream that this person could ever truly fulfill you. When you realize that there is no truth to this relationship, as painful as that is, and that you deserve better things, you will begin to find some closure. Hugs, D.

#3 Dec 21 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

bgirl

You r right....I try to tell

You r right....I try to tell myself he just a body carrying around my dream and now my dream is floating around somewhere out there too, because it too couldn't be invested him fo too long either!!! XXX

#4 Dec 21 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

Hunter

Bgirl

Unfortunately there is no Hollywood Ending!! Working hard, understanding the Devil, and kicking him to the curb.. Makes for a Happliy Ever After. Hunter

#5 Dec 20 - 11PM

bgirl

Thank u :)

#6 Dec 20 - 4PM

Im_always_fine

Personally I'm going with

Personally I'm going with both conclusions. If I feel angry? I indulge the F$%#king HATE! I get inside it...be with it...experience it...then file it...it may come up again...and I'll do it again. Then if I feel philosophical and forgiving...I go with that. But NEVER do I excuse him. I didn't deserve it. Even when I feel forgiveness I keep in mind that I didn't deserve any of it...his story about me is WRONG. I've been suppressing everything about myself for 5 years. Not speaking my truth...biting my tongue till it bled. So now I am consciously allowing myself to FEEL all of it now as it needs to be experienced in the most authentic truthful and present way I can. So I don't end up a basket case in 6 years from residual unacknowledged emotions. I truly intend to put all of this firmly in my PAST. Yesterday I kept remembering a scripture, "Speak the Truth in Love. Speak the Truth in Love." My Truth may change from moment to moment...my truth my be anger in one instance...my truth may be forgiveness the next. But I will re-establish emotional integrity with myself. I've been put through a spiritual meat grinder and DAMMIT I'm ENTITLED to ALL of my feelings! Soon...one day..I will be FINE! So will you...in time.

#7 Dec 20 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

bgirl

This is great advice....thank

This is great advice....thank you....I think I have to accept the anger part and stop trying to run from it....sometimes I feel very strong feelings of revenge....other times compassion.....just want to feel 'nothing!'

#8 Dec 20 - 11PM (Reply to #16)

uk lady

The way forward

Is to feel it all, accept and own it, get it all out in order to release the pressure valve of your emotions. Once you feel it all, accept it and live in the moment (as opposed to the fantasy past with the x) then you will be able to walk forward. In the 2 links below Lisa explains it much better, long but so worth the read. http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/04/19/why-we-obsess-about-narcissist http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/03/26/losing-ourselves-narcissist Being in the place where you feel nothing for the x is a good few steps further down the line. Go gently on yourselves and just hold onto the thought that you will get through it, if you go through the process. No magic, just time. Sending you both lots of strength. Dee x

#9 Dec 20 - 3PM

bgirl

Layla...spot on...the worst

Layla...spot on...the worst thing is for months i told him to talk to her, tell her what he needed/wanted etc...he made her out to be irrational. And yep...the irony is, as my daughter's coach this allowed him to get close to us but in the end my children saved me as they received sport scholarships 400km/4hrs away and I was moving to allow them to take up that opportunity. So the kids saved me aswell.. All 4 therapists i've been to think he was seeing how far i would go for him...i was prepared to walk away from everything else but not my children. He wanted me to relocate to his town...he needed me to be there... I expected him to be a man and move out by himself...he wanted his cake and to eat it too. the 98% would probs be accurate and would probably be aroung the same percentage with the 'truth' he has provided her about me! He is despicable...and very, very smug.

#10 Dec 19 - 3PM

bgirl

Thank you everyone. Caligirl,

Thank you everyone. Caligirl, I can't hate him either but I DO know that some of his actions were so deliberate....those are the difficult ones to forget....also the fact that he was married...yet he still pursued me with such vigor and could watch another family implode when he had NO intention of following through...that's the most difficult part for me to grasp. Everyone says he can't 'feel' but he CAN see and hear. He could see my distress, hear my concerns and no doubt he put his wife through hell simultaneously. Probably by far my most sickening feeling is that he KNEW he could go back to her at anytime and she would take him back. Such disrespect!!! Even though I know I'm not responsible for their relationship, only my own, I still terrible everyday that by supporting him I actually unwittingly condoned this behavior. Ugh I have to try and fix me...because like you, if given the chance I would have probably tried to help him too. I now realize he probably doesn't what to be 'fixed.' just because we think they are sad creatures doesn't mean that they're not happy in their own way. He just had the biggest power victory of his illustrious career....he always said 'my wife won't like it that it's you I love..it will kill her that it's you because she thinks you are great! It was a competition to him. He won. He was never going to lose! He's probably out fishing as we speak, still coaching children with more supply on tap whilst his wife stands by his side waiting at home with the meal he requested and his washing done. I really would like to get angry instead of depressed. I think anger would help me let it go!!!

#11 Dec 20 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Layla

Anger

Realizing probably 98% of the stuff he told you about his wife was a big fat lie will help you on to the road to anger. These unfeeling jerks would think nothing of dropping their wife and family in an instant if they really thought you were the better choice. Not trying to hurt you, you just need to fully realize the awful truth of these PDIs.....they will say ANYTHING they think YOU will buy out of their mouths to get what they want at any given time. ANYTHING. My drunk, abusing husband was telling female neighbors I wouldn't have sex with him. He forgot to tell them about him raping and strangling me though and all the other awful sex stuff.....imagine that! Such a selective memory! love~ Layla

#12 Dec 20 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

bgirl

Oh and he also didn't want

Oh and he also didn't want his reputation ruined in his small town. (He thinks he is lauded!) So unless every one of his conditions were met ...he just had to stay..... 'I've made a decision...that is all'...he said Lovely to hear true love had soooo much to do with it! (not) Shame they know just what to say at the beginning right? I hope i get angry soon!!!

#13 Dec 20 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

Caligirl

bgirl

Thanks for sharing. The anger will come in time. Healing from these people requires that we go through the grief process. The shock, denial, sadness, anger and acceptance come over time and are not just linear..Sometimes we go back and forth. Ugh! Early out, there is a lot of CD! We focus on the things he said, and how his words didn't match his actions. At the same time our hearts are shattered, and we try to grapple with how someone who supposedly loved us could d&d us so seemingly without a thought or glance backward. The CD WILL lessen with NC. Eventually, the focus will start to come back to ourselves. We sort out the emotions, forgive ourselves for missing red flags (and I overlooked many), release the blame and accusations, and get back to ourselves. In the meantime, I guess we try to be patient and gentle to ourselves..Hang in there, bgirl! Hugs!

#14 Dec 20 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

bgirl

Your r simply gorgeous xx :)

Your r simply gorgeous xx :) thank you for the time taken to respond...

#15 Dec 19 - 10AM

Caligirl

bgirl

These are good questions...I think these too. I'm 8 months out, but had to rely on reading, research and this site for my recovery (although I'm not fully there). For thought #1: It IS true for me. I did love him unconditionally (gave so much of myself, tried hard to make it work, etc), but he couldn't love me back (bc he is disordered). I also remind myself that I fell in love with who I thought he was, the guy he presented to me. Although ironically, I do think I love him unconditionally even knowing he is disordered, bc had I not left ***, I may have tried to help him (insist on therapy etc.) I know they don't change, and I'm not saying he's worth it, but I wouldn't have walked away without an attempt (I just know me). I didn't know about all this before I left, so that is the ironic part. About thought #2: He did try to destroy me, but "despise?" I think of that as "hate" and that is a strong and consuming emotion to hang onto. I've never been one to hate, just not me. It can only hurt us, bc he wouldn't experience my hate. I know mine wanted me to hate him, so I won't. That has become too much energy for me to muster toward him. Anger is a completely different emotion. If I think about the things he did to me, anger arises. No man has ever treated me the way he did! I just thought I'd share, bc I think knowing how others have these same thoughts and how they're dealing with it helps. These are some of the major issues in all this, along with whether they loved us etc, so I think this was a really good post. Thanks. xx

#16 Dec 19 - 9AM

TNR1

Here are a couple of posts

Here are a couple of posts that have really helped me: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/10/28/there-appears-be-much-confusion-what-pd http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/03/17/why-narcissist-inevitably-devalues-discards-dd-you

#17 Dec 19 - 4AM

nomoredenial

to just accept

that they are disordered and that there is no closure. This is so hard at first but the more you read and if you get a glimpse of it after you have had a time of NC it will become painfully clear.

#18 Dec 19 - 4AM (Reply to #2)

bgirl

:( so just let the grief run

:( so just let the grief run it's course I suppose.....

#19 Dec 19 - 4AM (Reply to #3)

uk lady

bgirl

You really need to keep reading Lisa's steps/book and any other links that other posters suggest and have found useful in their acceptance and moving forward stage. Lisa's steps will highlight exactly what you will experience at every level and help you understand your feelings going forward. Peace certainly doesn't happen at the stage you are at now - anger is more the norm. Dee x

#20 Dec 19 - 4AM (Reply to #4)

bgirl

I'm still just as sad as I

I'm still just as sad as I was 9 months ago....just less frequently (not all day). When you have a subscription how do u access 'steps.' Thank u for your reply.

#21 Dec 19 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

Goldie

Purchasing the Six Steps of Recovery

Hi Bgirl, To order the Six Steps of Recovery, the Path Forward, you go to the top of the page and on the upper right, you see: The path forward BUY NOW, click on the link and then you see it again on the right the book cover and buy now, click on it again and you can order it here right on the site online. God bless, Goldie

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