Seething anger back - is this normal?

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 13 - 9PM

emtg

Seething anger back - is this normal?

So I have been essentially NC and filing for divorce this week and feeling so much bette.r That horrible pain of hopelessness and lack of self and lust for life is gone. The ptsd and constant memory flashes went away. The obsessive thoughts about him and others went away. The raging anger phase - of wanting to smash everything and everyone went away. I went off anti anxiety medication a couple months ago successfully. I had some lovely flings last month which were great. I have been coming to this board off and on (rather than three times a day) and really only posting in response to others who reached out.

ANd then I woke up this morning feeling furious - I had a dream about him that was pretty vivid - but it was just a dream. And I feel like the anger is back. I want him to die again (not really but really) and last week, I was thinking, well - I hope he doesn't die that would upset his family and not caring. I want to yell and scream at our couples therapist for being either blind or malicious and watching me wither away into a shell of a human being while telling me what more I could do to fix the impossible situation. I want to smack my best friend in the face for something minor which she apologized for. I jsut feel so angry again and I don't understand. Has anyone else had this go away and then come back? Does it take the same amount of time to go away again?

#2 Dec 14 - 11AM

spinning

EMTG, here's my take...

...it is a process and the anger will come and go. I believe you had quite a bit of time "invested" into the relationship if I recall from when you posted more. And I believe it was excruciating for you to extricate yourself. Know that months of damage will not be undone overnight and that some days it will occur to you the absolute mindboggling behavior they imposed onto our lives that literally changed the course of our personal history. I'll speak for myself at 13 months total NC, processing that fact still makes me incredibly angry...just not very often. I'm angry at him. I'm angry at myself. It comes and goes. When it crops us it surprises me because it doesn't crop up too often, but it still does. I try to find something constructive to do with it...exercise, venting in my journal, tacking yard work, etc. so I don't take it out on someone who doesn't have it coming. I think you're one step ahead of this by realizing your feelings and that the anger may be causing you to behave in ways you do not like about yourself. Acknowledging that there's a problem is the first step in solving it. Emtg, it's okay to be angry. Your life was descimated. You were manipulated and duped. The feelings of betrayal on this won't go away in just a couple of months. Just continue to get it out, be mindful of it, and tell yourself it's okay to feel it and then let it go. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. THOUGH I GET SO ANGRY SOMETIMES I'D LIKE TO KNOCK THESE DISORDERED ONES FOR A SPIN RIGHT OFF THE PLANET!

spinning

#3 Dec 14 - 10AM

Hunter

Here is what is going on..

Here is what is going on.. You stopped the Medication too soon.. You think you were successful getting off them but now look at what is happening.. The Meds are the great stabilizer .. Call your Doctor Today.. Hunter

#4 Dec 13 - 10PM

Sparrow

It would appear to me that

It would appear to me that you substituted anger with sex. Or at least, stifled the anger by having sex. Now the sex is gone, and all the emotions you were suppressing by the chemicals released in your brain every time you touched, or was touched, every time you kissed, or was kissed, every time you experienced a climax, or brought him to one. Sex hides just as much as it provides. That's my motto these days. I remember being where you are now. It didn't get me anywhere fast, it actually held up the process. Just my take on the topic. Not the gospel. Hoping your angers subsides for you.

#5 Dec 13 - 9PM

GeorgiaGirl

I do this too

I start to make some progress, feel like I'm getting there and then WHAM the anger hits me out of the blue. I think its just more processing, more healing and more of us purging the nastiness out of our systems. I find that these mini-cycles of denial, anger, bargaining and depression are coming further and further apart and lasting hours or a day instead of days and weeks. It gives me hope that acceptance is just around the corner. And yes, please do tell more about these flings! Inquiring (and horny) minds want to know!!

#6 Dec 13 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

emtg

flings

Had sex 6 times in one day. Then he went home to chicago and I watched stupid movies and had a lovely day reading the ny times by myself. All in all, it was a great great weekend. I was so horny I was turning into a truck driver.

#7 Dec 13 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

GeorgiaGirl

I miss sex so much

StbxN withheld so much sexually that we'd only had sex a total of about 5 times in 2010 and its been almost a year now since I've had it at all. I have a high sex drive and despite the devastation of everything that has happened my sex drive has not been lost. I don't know that I could have a fling or one night stand right now. I know I'm not ready to date either so celibacy it is...but it sure is fun to live vicariously through you!

#8 Dec 13 - 9PM

ReclaimingPower

Wait!!!!

I want to hear more about those wonderful flings. I'm not there yet and want something to look forward to! Sorry, I couldn't help myself. It doesn't even seem like a remote possibility from where I am right now but the prelude you mention prior to that is familiar.....

#9 Dec 13 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

blueworld

what would you do

i have a few options for a fling right now, my girlfriend is really suggesting it and saying that i shouldnt withhold myself from pleasure. since i know what i am going into. and i have one purpose behind it. i am tempted. he is very attractive very sweet, i have kissed him a few times, and he was forword with me about just wanting to make me feel good. but i dont know what would you do?

#10 Dec 13 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

ReclaimingPower

It's tempting but honestly,

It's tempting but honestly, for me personally, this experience has made me want to go VERY slowly for the next round. I clearly see a pattern with the men from my past, I want to make sure that I am healed enough so that I am not only drawing better types of men into my circle but recognizing them as healthy or not. In the reading that I'm doing as well, it is saying that Narcs and players don't have patience when it comes to sex. I'm not sure if that is true with the former since they seem to have conquest as a never ending goal BUT the more time I can spend with a man beforehand, the more I can identify any red flags and quickly move away if need be. As an empath, I tend to get very emotionally connected when I am intimate with a man (but don't we all?), so logic goes right out the window at that point and everything gets blurred. And right now I already know my state is vulnerable; I have to continue to strengthen my boundaries at all levels (physical and spiritual). If it were me, I would want to pursue a friendship first and if he respected me, he'd understand and be okay with that. The strongest relationships start off as friendships anyway and grow into more. If I had thoughts of it eventually moving into a romantic relationship, I wouldn't talk about the N. Remember, that is something we are on the lookout for as a red flag -- talk of ex's , etc. and you wouldn't want to taint this fresh new experience with something so vile from your past. Above all -- slow and steady with a primary focus on YOU and your healing. All else will fall into place in divine timing. xoxoxo

#11 Dec 13 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

emtg

Ha - yes:)

Well, I am a little hesitant because I know it may be a bit controversial on this site - but I deeply enjoyed a fabulous fling last month. I went out to a play and went home with the actor:) He is canadian so he left after one month but it was fun and just what I needed. Nothing real but not because he was abusive or I was delusional. Just wasn't there - wanted something light and honestly, wanted to have sex and did just that! It was also great because the sexual trauma of the relationship has taken me awhile - well I'm still going through it - but was one of the hardest things. I think because I never felt useless and unattractive before and the withholding coupled with him making fun of me in lingerie and him telling me I reminded me of his mother and he didn't want to fuck his mother left me scared. So having a man just be very into me and reciprocating and having a normal healthy sexual interaction was great. The other guy was a past flame who doesn't live here. Again, just sex - but understood just sex. I'm not really ready to date but ready to have sex so there it is! I am hesitant to give advice on this issue though because every woman (or every person) is veyr different and I know many women who can't or don't want to just have sex with people and that's perfectly understandable so it could leave you feeling worse about yourself perhaps I don't know - -I think it really depends on whether you are being honest with yourself and with the other person on what you are interested in. Either way - it is something to look forward to! So So nice to reconnect with that part of yourself and feel ALIVE again.

#12 Dec 13 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

ReclaimingPower

Funny! I'm a bit envious

Funny! I'm a bit envious cause I have a high sex drive as well but I am not comfortable unless I'm in a relationship. You can imagine how the N manipulated the hell out of that knowledge. According to him in the end our whole relationship didn't even consist of any dating -- I'm not sure how he worked that out in his head but he loved to gaslight that puppy to death -- sort of like having a child and claiming you never slept together (thankfully I didn't get pregnant). I did pop on a dating site one night a week ago and unhid my profile to see if I might be ready but panicked all night and ended up deleting my profile in the morning. I suppose in time.... I'll just live vicariously through you....six times in one night. Dear lord, have mercy on me. Celibacy is hard enough with the memories alone. :))

#13 Dec 13 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

blueworld

Reclaim

you know there are fabulous toys out there too!

#14 Dec 13 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

ReclaimingPower

LMAO!!!!!

*No comment* but smiling away. Are we going to get slapped by Mod control? Yikes! :)

#15 Dec 13 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

emtg

Ha - I feel like we are in highschool about to get "in trouble"

Toys, toys and more toys. They can't hurt and aren't controversial. But what I was missing was sex, not an orgasm. connection, not getting off. It is very hard to give advice on this area, especially when I don't know you guys - well not in the traditional sense of the word so I don't know how you would react or whether it would be good for you or not. For me, sex with someone plesant and lovely was liking cleansing the sexual palate. It replaced some bad ptsd flashbacks with some nice memories. So the bed was cleansed somehow. I just don't know how it will affect others but it was one of my favorite activities of rejoining life:)

#16 Dec 13 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

blueworld

lol!!!

get into trouble its like a slumber party right now! talking like our parents can hear us !!!!

#17 Dec 13 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

blueworld

lmaooo

;) I got one! i finally got one lmaooooooo

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