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Sadness

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#1 Dec 12 - 4PM
coffeeaddict66
coffeeaddict66's picture

Sadness

Hi everyone,

I have been away from this site for a little while because I was trying to just get on with life and close this chapter, move forward and just forget.

He doesn't hoover and I've gotten over him, it seems like I can barely even remember him.

I am not depressed and I am actually pretty happy. I'm not really interested in dating right now, just pretty content where I am. But, I am left with this underlying sadness. It surfaces when I hear a sad song or watch a slightly sad movie...anything will cause me to well up and get teary.

Is it because I'm 45, or is it just one more phase of this healing process or something deeper that Im not even aware of?

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Thanks,
Coffee

Dec 14 - 11PM
emtg
emtg's picture

coffee

I understand yu how you feel but I cant pinpoint it more than others. I am 33 and cry at everything lately. I was hysterical during a christopher guest movie about folk music - and a random commericial. I hope it's part of the process!
Dec 13 - 9AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Coffeeaddict

i still have some sadness 3 years out, it is all normal, I was' retriggered' by seeing him again by accident in a store and being foolish enough to contact him by letter for a friendship, all I got back was several unbelievably hateful, rageful letters, accusing me of everything that went wrong n our relationship.Said i was a floosie, looking for sex on the internet,[ i had placed an ad on the internet to make new male friends, he was like cyberstalking me and viewing my ads for the last year or more]e never once acknowledged anything he did wrong or look within himself, never, even with my asking him to' look within himself.' they simply will not do so, it is tragic and sick at the same time.the end of a dream, an illusion is to me what brings the sadness..................
Dec 12 - 9PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

I feel the same way

I'm 8 1/2 months out and I get the little waves of sadness too...it feels like I was just told there is no Santa. It comes, it goes and occasionally lingers for a day. Overall I'm finding more and more happy days too. I think this is my new "normal" for now. I feel like I'm on my way to full acceptance and this is just one more bump on the journey to get there.
Dec 12 - 6PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Coffee

I too took some time away. Unfortunately, I still struggled and was stuck for awhile. I think Hunter is right about what we've been through. I'm 8 months out. I think being 44 makes it harder, but I also feel I'm not ready for another r/s, until I'm over him. I'm trying to stay away from triggers too songs, movies, but it's hard, there are so many. I think it's just going to take as long as it takes, bc mine hurt my soul like nothing ever has and that in itself makes no sense having lost more in life. I gave so much! I think part of the sadness is just the death of the dreams and how he mistreated me, and then to never be able to talk to him about it and try to get "closure" from him is sad. I finally just had to accept I will never have my questions answered and never be able to defend myself or say my piece. Keep your chin up!
Dec 12 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Caligirl

You can't get closure from him because by now he has completely convinced himself of a truth that would be unrecognizable to the real facts. What you imagine and have probably played out in your mind would not be a conversation anywhere near what you imagine. He probably now fully believes it was all your fault and he would only use the moment to try to make you feel worse. Staying NC and having your own closure is a safer bet.
Dec 12 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Ruby, thank you

Yes, better to be safe than risk hearing anything he might say! You are so right about him distorting the facts and painting a completely different picture than what really happened. I'm sure by now he is a saint who never did a thing and I am all to blame. What really gets me is that his family will probably believe him. His sister once said he was a "sweetie" and I remember thinking 'What the heck?'
Dec 12 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Cali, as much as you think

Cali, as much as you think you need closure, all he would e telling you were lies anyway, so it's actually pointless. I know how you feel though. There are often times that I would like to have questions answered. We would get the answers needed if they were normal, but their not. We know the answers already, we truly do, but we would really prefer a different one I think. Stay strong! You are doing great!
Dec 12 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Sparrow, thank you

I needed to hear that. I told myself once or twice that I had all the answers I needed about him, but I guess it didn't stick. Yes, I wouldn't know if he was just lying again too. It's sad how in normal r/s's you can talk about why it ended and what happened etc, but with them you can't. I've never had this happen before. I could call and talk to ex's before, and when it ended, they still thought well of me... Exnp turned it all around on me to make me crazy, a liar, bitch... It is both sad and unbelievable. I know he has done this before though. I feel like I'm healing, but it's taking so long. Thanks for saying I'm doing great!! xxx
Dec 12 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Cali, you are welcome. Don't

Cali, you are welcome. Don't be too hard on your self. This takes time. And understanding.........having a better understanding of the disordered is like putting together a puzzle, just a couple more pieces to go, and it will be complete. Believe me! Think back on your normal relationships, and think of what they woyld say to you if you told them how your N viewed you. I bet they would all tell you he was crazy! In normal relationships, it is possible to end it on amicable terms, not with the narc. Especially one that has punished you mercilessly emotionally, repeatedly. You do know the answers, at least for the most part. The rest will come. Besides, even with closure with a narc, it still leaves a wide open wound to heal. Who needs their lies, their excuses, their lame stories...........it wouldn't be closure it would just be more emotional abuse.
Dec 12 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Sparrow, yes, I did have an ex say that N is the crazy

one, but I sometimes think of my reactions to exnp's crazymaking, I cried a couple times as he was being emotionally abusive, went looking for him once (at night when he stormed out into the night), sometimes dished back, bc I was tired of it. I guess that is why they call it crazymaking. I also wanted him to know I loved him. Plus, sometimes I wonder did I become him, bc I feel impatient and angry at times? I think they want us to question ourselves, but I try not to, bc then he's won. You're so insightful in that he did emotionally bash me almost the entire r/s, and I realized that the other day. He systematically wore down my self-esteem which is what abuse is, even though he wants to feign that he is the victim. Yes, closure would only risk more emotional abuse. I can't wait until I get those last few puzzle pieces in all this!! And what's more is I will have done it w/o him!
Dec 12 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Exactly Cali! And you will

Exactly Cali! And you will do it! Without him! The crazy making is awful, and as long as you rely on the crazy makers for the answers, you will never have them! With each new day, you begin to feel yourself again and eventually realize, there is nothing crazy about you! Goidelic luck and stay the course! Your doing great!
Dec 12 - 5PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Songs are triggers for many

Songs are triggers for many of us. I believe you are experiencing slight little pangs, or reminders of the emotional turmoil you went through. I am triggered occasionally as well, and working on getting a handle on it. Instead of tears though, I find myself to become very angry, which is not in my nature as a norm. So, the crying as unusual as it may seem to you makes perfect sense to me. I believed you are healed, as am I, for the mot part, but every once in a while your reminded of what you endured. At least you are through the worst of it. That is a good thing! You can handle the teeny little backlashes. Stay strong!
Dec 12 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
coffeeaddict66
coffeeaddict66's picture

Thats it!

You nailed it Sparrow! The triggers are about the emotions and pain I have gone through. Thats what I am remembering. It really has nothing to do with him anymore. Its more of associating sad songs with the intense pain I was feeling. Now that I realize that, I need to find a way to modify my reaction to sad songs etc that remind me of my painful emotions. Thanks sparrow, I think you just helped me move toward my next phase of healing. Now I just need a way to redirect my thoughts and feelings when these triggers occur. Thanks again, coffee
Dec 12 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You have been thru Hell and

You have been thru Hell and Back.. Your still suffering the effects .. I'm over a year and very now and then... UGH! Just roll with it.. Keep the Buzz of NC Alive!! Hunter
Dec 12 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
coffeeaddict66
coffeeaddict66's picture

Im impatient

Maybe Im just impatient to feel really good again all the time. Just want it all to be overwith and feel completely "normal" again. Expecting too much of myself too fast I guess. Thanks, Coffee