What do you do when ..

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 9 - 3AM

anquilla

What do you do when ..

I am nearly two weeks into strict NC. I've got a few hoovers like forwarding previous emails, calling my phone on private, calling it with his number, email saying 'i miss you' and a text saying 'do you think we can ever be the same again?' I've remained strictly NC so pat on the back for me.

Today was a different story. I wasn't all that confident about myself. Just kept squirming I guess. I dont know how to put it. It's as if I am lost and not sure where I am going.

He didn't hoover today. I am starting to wonder whether I was feeling confident only because he was hoovering from time to time. I hope not as I havnt actually given breaking NC a thought.

Ladies, what do you do when you feel this way during NC? I see friends and do try and get on with my life (ie not involving a man) but how do you switch your mind off or change your mind if possible? What activities do you undertake? Any suggestions for a good movie?

#2 Dec 11 - 3PM

JRB123

Keep strong with NC

It's hard to keep strong and maintain no contact but hang on in there - it's worth it! Hoovers are hard and are another thing to fight off too. I understand that a hoover may appear like they really care and it might feel flattering but please bear in mind that they are not genuine people and it's not about caring for you - it's about them needing an ego stroke! The last year I have pushed myself to the extreme to try and get him out of my head! I have been surfing in Morocco, volunteered at Glastonbury festival, spent a month in Cornwall over the summer, taken up boxercise and generally got right into fitness again actually! Yesterday I did a 3 hour fightklub fitness event! I am actually a 43 year old housewife too!!! My friends all think I'm having a mid life crisis but really it's all been about getting over the narc, getting over the anger and trying to move on and find things for myself to make me feel alive and good again(and not be obsessed with him!) In some ways it's been one of the best years of my life for doing things but emotionally it's been tough. It's also important to spend time with genuine friends who are caring. This forum has also been fantastic and reading up about personality disorders. It helps to learn what red flags to look out for in the future. I cannot stress enough how important no contact is. There's a whole better world out there for you that doesn't involve him. Life is too short and is meant for living. Do not let a narc destroy it for you. Wishing you a happier future. I am a year of NC and sadly I still think about him but it's more objectively now and I see him as he truly is, I am also over him and no longer feel attracted to him and much much happier with life. Keep going with NC! You have taken the first steps to a better future.

#3 Dec 11 - 3PM

emtg

Activities

Besides a lot of reading about this disorder and how it affects both me and the N - to get my mind off of the obessiveness -- Worked a ton recreational soccer league (I suck at it but the competition and activity is great to take your mind off of things) Movies (The Help, Midnight in Paris is fabulous, afternoons with marguerite, documentaries about strong woman such as gloria steinem, cheesy movies) I tried to read but found it very hard to concentrate Music Forcing yourself to do one thing a week that you used to like to do even if you don't want to

#4 Dec 11 - 3AM

walking_on_sunshine

This is why I feel its better

This is why I feel its better not to know when it comes to hoovering. I keep my phone shut off most pf the time now because id rather just wonder, than know that he actually did hoover ( which would set me back) or didn't hoover ( which hurts because there is no validation ). Either one is counter to NC so I avoid putting myself in a position to be distressed. Things that affect NC... keeping buzy, keeping tv or music on, watching movies, seeing friends. Keeping organised and tidy and clean. Stay away from bars, nightclubs,or any places where the behavior of men is going to cause you to be discouraged by the nature of humanity. Find sincere people to be around to remind you that not all humans are viscious nutcases ;) and go to places where people do a social activity that is all in good fun.

#5 Dec 9 - 9AM

Sparrow

If you are looking for a

If you are looking for a movie depicting a narc.......which I don't find entertaining in the least but back in the day I did. "The Talented Mr. Ripley" is a must see. With Matt Damon and Gwenth Paltrow. If you are looking for a movie that is as far away from the topic of the disordered, one that will make you feel good, make you feel alive and make you feel proud to be a woman, I would recommend "The Help". Both excellent movies, totally different topics. Oh, and tis the season, one never tires of "Christmas Vacation" at least I don't! Every time I watch it, I laugh a little harder! :)

#6 Dec 11 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

anquilla

The Talented MR Ripley is

The Talented MR Ripley is amazing. It is definitely a must see. Just watched it last night!

#7 Dec 11 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

Sparrow

It is excellent! Glad you

It is excellent! Glad you enjoyed it!

#8 Dec 9 - 9AM

Goldie

You are asking all the right questions

Everything Sparrow said will help and for you to realize that this is very new for you and it will take time. The solution is in your thinking and eventually as you do the work, your thoughts will become your own again. You can order the step book online here. If you have not already, I would highly recommend that you do and begin to work the steps. The book is a short read and you can progress at your own speed and see what works for you and applys to where you are at right now which is NC. We all heal at our own pace and I am amazed that you are asking these great questions this early on. Looks to me like you are ready and sincerely want to get past this and not spend too much time on the obsession phase. You will progess out of this in time and the ammount of time is dependent on your willingness to do the work and remain NC. Sounds to me like you have plenty of willingness. As for good movie's, I haven't seen any good ones in awhile so I will look forward to the suggestions on that as well. You will get there and this is great that you are talking about this before you get the urges NC. They may or may not come and if they do, remember to post here BEFORE you break NC. Good job on 2 weeks NC. God bless, Goldie

#9 Dec 9 - 8AM

Layla

Get moving!

Like Sparrow, I work out......I danced for years so being active has always been a part of my life since I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet actually!!! I have two teenage sons who keep my on my toes and out of trouble! ; )) love~ Layla

#10 Dec 9 - 8AM

Sparrow

We can get addicted to their

We can get addicted to their hoovers as easily as we can to the actual relationship. It's just another form of their existance in our life, and a false notion that there is still hope. That is what you are mourning right now, and craving I might add. There are several things that you can do to keep yourself occupied, but trust me, no matter what they are, he/she will continue to be in your head. With that said, it is still important to stay active, busy, although in your head, keeping yourself active and moving keeps you from slipping into the depths of hell. I, personally took up kickboxing, dance and joined the gym. I also have a busy social life, and I make sure, that I never discuss him with anyone outside of this forum anymore, I keep that seperate from my everyday life, and I don't want him to exist there anyway. I use to discuss with my friends and found it was useless, plus draining on the friendship, so I save my narc world for here....... everyone finds something different, pottery classes, cooking classes, volunteering. The list goes on and on. Best thing to do, is find something you enjoy and look forward to and get to it! :) Remember............depression can't hit a moving target. Good luck, and stay strong.

#11 Dec 10 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

Winter

Sparrow, just brilliant!

"We can get addicted to their hoovers as easily as we can to the actual relationship. It's just another form of their existance in our life..." Soooo true! This one is a light bulb moment for me! Could not have been said better!

#12 Dec 9 - 11PM (Reply to #4)

anquilla

Yeah I see what you mean

Yeah I see what you mean about the hoovers. His recent hoovers, especially the one where he said he missed me gave me this glimpse of hope. Dont all pounce on me at once !lol I'm just telling the truth. I know he is just testing the waters. He's with pretty, innocent OW. Deep down..I hope they dont work!! Anyways, so far, I am trying to get back into painting. I just need that burst of inspiration. Anyone read Catch 22 by Joseph Heller? Its a good read. Nothing to do with Narcs I may add. So I recently purchased that. And yes, I am getting into gaming as well. I got the latest Call of Duty ahahahahahaha. Apart from that I tend to go on walks, both solo and with a buddy. I'm taking it one day at a time. Its painful, stressful and I wish I didnt have to go through it. I wish all this didnt happen. I wish he was faithful. But, thats not reality. Lately, I feel like the only people who really understand are people on this forum. I've kept talking to my friends about this to a minimum. I dont want to burden anyone with my story, my emotions, my ups and downs, my days of shit. Its better to let it out here as there is no obligation for anyone to respond and if anyone does respond, its because they actually want to help. Its tough as we all know. I have a couple of quotes that I've stolen from people on this forum and have it written down- stuck on my wall. The one I love is this: '' You will have tough days, you will have OK days and eventually you will have exceptional days". I guess it's a matter of time. I am going to watch those movies that have been recommended. Sorry I havnt posted to each individual who has so kindly responded. I tend to just bulk it out in one post after I've digested what people have said. One day at a time. If anyone remembers any good movies, let me know! Oh and best movie of vengeance- Kill Bill. :D lol

#13 Dec 9 - 3AM

uk lady

I used to do whatever I could

But in the beginning I felt absolutely comatosed. Then went to see my doctor for A/Ds which helped in the initial stages but only took them for 3 months until I felt able to cope. Obviously, don't recommend long term usage. Then I found this site and read, read and read and like Sea then posted, posted and then posted some more. Must have driven everyone mad but lightbulbs were going off all over the place and I took off my rose tinted glasses. I then decided to concentrate on me. So, don't rush all over the place anymore, only take on projects for myself (not anybody else), work, take things easy, joined the gym with PT, dance to music on the radio like I used to, watch whichever movies I want, started treating myself a whole lot more with treatments etc, getting out into my garden and work like crazy in the fresh air, only see very close friends and stay close to the forums. It's working for me and the best part is that I am seeing some really positive results. My best advice is to take things slowly. Hope that helps. Dee x

#14 Dec 9 - 3AM

Sea

Part of his "poison" is to

Part of his "poison" is to hoover then suddenly stop and makes you wonder why. Mind games. Ass clowns like Narcs love such games. When I am down, I would do the followings: 1. Go for long run - while running I cant possibly text/call him. And exercise gives you a boost on the happy hormones 2. Work Work Work - take on a major case and work the hell out! 3. Hang out with friends (just like what you did) 4. Come here and Post Post Post!!! HUGS!!

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