My problem with NC

24 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 5 - 10PM

aceonelady

My problem with NC

Is that i feel that i am pleasing him,giving what he wanted...the ability of shut me up and being invisible and dead to him,so he can be in peace thinking he made me disappear,and shut the fuck up...that he do not have to fear me exposing the facts i know about him that really would destroy his life...i am mouth dead and buried,that's what i hate about NC.I have been feeling worst than ever,even my ex husband says so...that i am getting sicker and sicker and i feel that too...And i told ex N to ever send me another email again,because i just can get along with people and animals,but not vermin...that fter his last email to me thanking me to not be sending him a bunch of emails later,and that if he is not trying to be with someone or is with someone he has nothing to talk about with anybody really''ánd since we are not together he has nothing to talk about it or say to me.and at the end he told me see ya later....that's when i reacted after 5 emails from him and told him off,again...i am very depressed.

#2 Dec 6 - 9PM

Gravity

aceonelady

I understand what your saying.. but remember that it is NOT all about him. It is about you! Who cares what he thinks. He is disordered. And the truth is, throughout the years you have known him he has had many thoughts that have had zero basis in reality but were very real to him. No matter what you do, the narcissist is going to believe it is a reflection on how much you still adore him. Even if you took a crap on him he would still tell himself that he had so much power over you that he led you to that point. This isn't all about him, it is all about YOU. Do what is right by you. And you know that contact always = pain. It's okay to feel depressed every now and then.. you went through hell with this man. Let it ride out, write in your journal, go to the gym, and remind yourself that silence=peace for YOU no matter what it means for HIM.

#3 Dec 6 - 11PM (Reply to #22)

aceonelady

Thank you Gravity

I love that...Silence=Peace for YOU no matter what it means for HIM...I will tell myself that now,daily as a Mantra...Hughs this is helping me BIG TIME...

Aceonelady

#4 Dec 7 - 8AM (Reply to #23)

Gravity

aceonelady

I'm so glad! You deserve everything you want and more! :) :) xoxoxoxoxo

#5 Dec 6 - 9PM

Goldie

I can see where you would feel this way

Not the case though, PD's do not get away with anything. They have a disorder for life. They have a life sentence. You do not. Depression is anger turned inwards and this would explain why you have a desire to get it out. What are you doing about the depression? Have you seen a Doctor? Are you in therapy? I would recommend journaling out some of this justified anger which you have, physical activity to get you up, out, and it helps with the obsessive thoughts. Working it out in your posting. Sounds like your Narc just cut you off without the hoovering and this can make it difficult to let go when you are still looking for answers and closure. Not that any of us get any real closure, but when they cut you out cold, your emotions have no where to go. Write about it, share it on here, and find a good therapist to work with you on releasing this pent up anger. I went through this as well. I was depressed and when the anger began to come out and was eventually released. I found the depression lifting and the obsessive thoughts began to subside as well. God bless, Goldie

#6 Dec 8 - 11AM (Reply to #18)

jackguy

thanks for this post goldie

I have been extremely depressed and have been forgetting about the link between supressed anger and depression. MY NARC cut me off dead with no hoovering (just slept with a friend of mine to make a point) and I have felt so depressed I've wanted out at times. I have a history of depression and am already on anti-depressants and have just tried to deal with the fallout of all this on my own through the forum and through grieving on my own. But I have experienced some of the rage. I know the depression is linked to the loss and rage but it feels so overwhelming at times - like I just want to go to bed for a year. I'm amazed I'm still working and living my life. I know things will improve, they have to an extent if I'm honest, but it has been a terrible, terrible year. My heart goes out to everyone on this forum, some of whom have had it far worse than me I know. Thanks for your post.

#7 Dec 8 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

Done sourcing

Jackgy, I appreciate your

Jackgy, I appreciate your honesty and your sharing your experience with us here. Nice to know there are other sensitive men out here. The female Narc is a piece of work in her own right, yes? I get the depression, and the anger. My guess is that you, like me, keep your anger close, and have a hard time letting it out. I think maybe that speaks to why we and the Narc can stay together for more than a fortnight. In my case it was 14 years, start to d and d. I get that you've wanted "out at times". I did too. Not dead, but just to be made to be different so I didn't have to feel the pain and suffering anymore. And of course that is what has happened to me, and as time goes on the healing and distance from the devastation increases...as sanity returns. Sanity is that these people are not worth our time, energy, devotion, or attention. And I know that, feel that, live that, and want that. I am not there anymore, I am here, and here is good! Good luck Jackguy and have a merry merry... ds

#8 Dec 8 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

jackguy

thanks ds

i appreciate that

#9 Dec 6 - 10PM (Reply to #17)

aceonelady

Hi there Goldie...is ACEONE

Thanks .Well he did hoovered ...he sent me about 5 emails a couple of months ago,saying he was sorry,sending a special hotmail adres for me to contacthim,then when i didn't he saidhe was wondering why i did not send any emails...i did not respond,so he did send me another email thanking me for not sending him a bunch of emails,saying his work is very tirening,and that my life would get better and better,for me to have fun and that he would see me later...he lives in Oklahoma,me in Holland...then i got pissed off and told him to stop contacting me.He went NC on me 2 years ago,blocked me everywhere,Skype etc all the stuff we had together...changed his cell and told me he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.2 months ago he started sending me those nothing daying emails...and at the end always saying that he has nothing to talk about with me,and as matter of fact he only talks to people that he is trying to be with or is with...and he was just trying to comunicate with me ,but not beyond basic conversation...when i told him to stop,he said he has no reason to comunicate with me.I went NC again and have been 2 months.I have been in therapy,i have been working out 4 times a week at the Gym for 2 years now...But i stillcannot sleep nights,i am still living in Tulsa time...we were always on S kype,nights for 2 years,and my mindis still working that way...now i watch some tv nights,and accept that the way it comes...my big problem is like i said the ups and downs...but i learned to cry ,wash my face and go off to the Gym...i go every month to the hairdressers,bought new clothes,i am 55 now most people tells me i look 42...but when someone ,even women give me compliments,i almost start to cry...this guy the one i did evrything for,i helped save his life,i loved him more than anyting in the world,wouldn't even want to be my friend...now i know he is sick,and that is nothing anyone would ever do would ever be enough for him...i want him to leave me alone...and when he did i started to get panic attacks.I will stay NC no matter what.i feel sorry for him,i hate him ,i love him.i am pretty messed up,but i know contact=pain.he says something and do the oposite...thanks Goldie.Sorry it was long.

Aceonelady

#10 Dec 6 - 7PM

Hunter

2 Yeats in Narcville and

2 Yeats in Narcville and youre still playing?.. Well that would make anyone sick.. Stop this right now.. Delete,DeleteDelete.. You do realize you are engaging in a loose loose situation.. Contact = Pain Hunter

#11 Dec 6 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

aceonelady

No Hunter

I am not playing....i am Nc alredy for 2 months.

Aceonelady

#12 Dec 6 - 3PM

jackguy

I know how you feel aceonelady

I think DS had it right (for my experience I mean, it may be different for you) in that part of NC initially for me was to try to make her feel bad, to register my disgust with her, and the hardest part to admit was that it was a desperate attempt to get through to her. It has been the hardest bit to accept, step by step that I really was an object to her and there is no changing her ever, nc or not. I also have experienced the feeling of getter sicker, more bitter, feelings of such intense rage and hurt and bitterness. But like everyone says, as I go through it I am very, very slowly getting a sense of my own value and a more realistic picture of her - the deep-rooted dependence on her that she worked hard to foster in me is gradually being torn out at the roots.I think the feelings of rage, shame, disgust and despair and a healthy phase, like detoxing

#13 Dec 6 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

aceonelady

Thanks jackguy

Yes,shame plays a big rol in it too.And thinking that he is having a good laugh and getting his ego inflated again by the tought that he got away with it!And i know too i have to think about me now and not what he thinks or fee...thanks for your input.

Aceonelady

#14 Dec 5 - 11PM

ReclaimingPower

Baggage Reclaim No Contact 3 Month No Contact Support

I found this site and newsletter really helps me stay on track with No Contact, plus there are a lot of great articles to boot that she sends that are empowering on boundaries and red flags that is like a re-education on remembering what I should be looking for and what we all deserve. Stay strong. xoxo http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-no-contact-rule-e-guide-newsletter/

#15 Dec 6 - 12AM (Reply to #10)

aceonelady

Thank you Reclaiming Power

I just signed for the No Contact support emails...Thank you so much i really want to beat this...Specially with me remembering how he referred about a year ago he seducing another woman online just i am trying to get this thing off the ground...she is just like you,he said,good folks but not so crazy as you are...That's what he told me ,even when talking about this woman,i think she was resiisting his enticing attacks,and he sound very angry about her...and he was just starting...It didn't worout for him,i heard....I am NC now for 2 months and i will stay with all the help of you all and i hope my strenght...i had a lot before the Narc A ttack...it must be somewhere inside of my,i am sure.HUGHS

Aceonelady

#16 Dec 6 - 1AM (Reply to #11)

ReclaimingPower

It really sucks, there's no

It really sucks, there's no way around it. But we deserve so much better and once we get through the shock, pain and grief, it's a chance to see what we can be doing differently. I've really been doing a lot of reading on boundaries and red flags and just simply accepting that not everyone is good in this world and that I can't save/heal people has been a huge lesson. It took me to my knees, but I am feeling somewhat stronger for it already the more time that passes. Long road ahead but it feels good knowing something very positive will come out of this bad situation for all of us. xoxo

#17 Dec 5 - 11PM

Done sourcing

I see now I really wanted to

I see now I really wanted to make contact just to vent at her over the anger I felt. Now I see that there is no getting back at a narc, they aren't wired that way. No contact is for me to take care of me, when I am ready to move away from the drama, chaos, and distraction that living in narcville provides so well. We must find new things to do and to experience, or the past will keep repeating itself, one bad day after another. Something has to change, and that thing is us. ds

#18 Dec 6 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

aceonelady

Thank you DS

Yeah my biggest problem now is being really pissed off at him ...Anger is mostly what i feel now...but i guess is ok,because when with him i had to supress all my feelings(sexuality,afection ,anger and happinness too)the only feeling i was alloud to feel was sadness...is just creepy...now i am still feeling like a very powerful Gorilla that was put in a weak cage when he was little,and now he still thinks he cannot escape...i am a prisioner still and the door is open...and i am afraid,very afraid ...my freedom feels as still being restrained...i cannot feel happy...when i do i feel guilty...i hope this will pass...i would rather be dead...this is no life.

Aceonelady

#19 Dec 6 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

Done sourcing

Fear is F-false E-evidence

Fear is F-false E-evidence A-appearing R-real, and starting a new chapter can be very exciting. The choices can be overwhelming, but now you have the freedom to check different things out, and then see what you think. You don't need validation or approval, you just need the willingness to do new things. Make a list like a bucket list of things you sometimes told yourself you would do if you were free to follow your heart, and do some of them. The choices are endless, from planting a new pot to going back to school to become a Rocket Scientist. Don't get scared, get busy! ds

#20 Dec 7 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

bumblebee

Great post DS - very

Great post DS - very practical reminder and one I very much needed today!

#21 Dec 5 - 10PM

Susan32

They don't get no satisfaction

Ns/Ps are NEVER happy. At first, they might enjoy the NC... it makes them feel powerful. But over time, they miss the NS... and they might seek other sources. They enjoyed the sense of power, and the thrill is gone. Silence can speak louder than words. NC is necessary for OUR sanity... it has NOTHING to do with their state of mind. The lack of closure is painful, and with Ns/Ps, they can't give closure. Yours obviously didn't. Going NC is a process, it's ongoing. It's like fighting a major illness. The depression is a natural state. At first, it's depressing to be without someone you loved&genuinely cared about. It IS hard. But over time, NC reveals itself to be a blessing, to have a life of clarity.

#22 Dec 5 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

aceonelady

Thank you Susan

For your support.

Aceonelady

#23 Dec 5 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

nomoredenial

The fact you are feeling worse

really means you are getting well. We have to get through the grief to get to the other side. It really is about you and not him, I know its hard to think about but who knows what going on for him. You are healing....keep going your doing great

#24 Dec 5 - 11PM (Reply to #4)

aceonelady

Nomoreindenial...

Yes ,i tell myself i am like a drug addict...i have to feel the pain of cold turkey to be clean agai...and i cannot get better if i do not avoid the drug....I keep repeating,NO PAIN ,NO GAIN...But my ego is hurt,and i am angry as hell...but i will go on NC,is the only way out for us.Thank you,i am starting to feel a bit better already.I have to make this change,no matter what. I just feel sorry for my ex husband ,he got caught in my sadness too.he is a great support to me.Hughs

Aceonelady

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