The Right Decision

24 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 4 - 11PM

GeorgiaGirl

The Right Decision

Thanks to a lifetime of abuse I often find myself faced with making the "right decision". I've been directed my entire life...first by Nmom, then by exN#1, followed by several N bosses and finally by stbxN. I have never really been the captain of my own ship.

So now I find myself overwhelmed even by the simple daily decisions that most people take for granted. Should I make coffee? What do I want to do about lunch? Can I take the time to go to the library after work? Simple enough stuff but it sends me in to a tailspin.

Then there is the bigger stuff when dealing with my children. Can I afford this or that? What's the right way to settle fights when they start in on each other? Am I setting the best example I can? How can I be a better mom?

Then I move on to big life decisions. Do I want to keep working or go back to school? Do I want to move here or there? How am I going to stay afloat financially? How am I doing in my recovery/grief work/spiritual awakening?

The custody/divorce hearing has brought up lots of decisions of its own. Often they are too scary to contemplate for very long - it sends me in to a panic attack. I just take them as they are presented to me and deal with them as needed.

But when I lay down at night I'm often plagued about "did I make the right decision on this or that?". How do I know if it was right or not? I've never been at the helm of my own ship before.

#2 Dec 6 - 10AM

walking_on_sunshine

N's cause us to doubt our own

N's cause us to doubt our own judgement and our reality so our minds fall into a continuous state of sorting through information.That same state of mind is probably carrying over into your decision making be cause you have been conditioned not to trust your own thoughts. I think in time when you discover that you are capable of making good decisions, and when your brain returns to a peaceful state where it can sense a safe reality you will feel less anxious. Alot of decisions have no wrong choice anyway. Certain choices may produce slower results, but most things lead to the desired outcome if you have it well defined.

#3 Dec 6 - 11AM (Reply to #23)

GeorgiaGirl

"Certain choices...

may produce slower results, but most things lead to the desired outcome if you have it well defined." That really resonates with me, walking on sunshine! I hadn't considered that my trouble making decisions may have roots in conditioning as well. I was always made to feel that I had to justify every single decision I made...and now I have no one to "proofread" my choices.

#4 Dec 5 - 4PM

empath

GeorgiaGirl

It is about time that you become the most important person in your own life! Congratulations on making the right decision to not be at the mercy of other people's fickle whims any more. From here forward, you are responsible for directing your life. Your decisions...don't get caught up in judging if they are right or wrong, because sometimes you just can't tell until much later on...jut keep making them and just keep moving. That is the way to get comfortable with being in charge of your own destiny. Regardless of whether you later think you may have made a right or wrong decision, it won't matter as much...because you will offset it with the feeling of knowing that right or wrong, you were the one who made it. When you take back control of your own life, look at the freedom to make your own mistakes and wrong choices as a blessing, not something to be feared or overwhelmed by.

#5 Dec 5 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

GeorgiaGirl

You are right, Empath

My therapist keeps telling me that this is all the "stuff" I missed out on the first go'round. She says where I am now is where most high school/college students start out - testing their wings and making their own decisions. You are right that I am judging myself and as a perfectionist I am certainly my harshest critic. I'm trying to see this as a blessing...my religious readings/spiritual work all point to this. At the moment I left him, though, I felt like I'd been thrown off a cliff and left for dead. I've been trying to get over that feeling ever since.

#6 Dec 6 - 1AM (Reply to #20)

uk lady

Morning GG

Your post just resonated with me about a dream I used to have a lot in my past. Funnily enough, I don't have it these days. I would be standing at the edge of a high cliff and want to jump but obviously was afraid to in case I fell. In the dream I always used to end up soaring up into the sky and flying away. I think it was my subconscious telling me to get away because I would be free and I would survive - I just had to believe that I would. This quote sums is up perfectly : When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or, you will be taught how to fly ... Dee x

#7 Dec 6 - 9AM (Reply to #21)

GeorgiaGirl

One of my favorite quotes!

Thank you for reminding me of it, Dee. I am still dreaming mostly about him and even a few nightmares (the one where he killed me with a hammer comes to mind). I keep thinking that eventually this is all going to "snap" in to place and I'll stop being afraid to live my life. That I'm going to fly on my own without a backward glance his way. It is getting better...possibly even much better since NC isn't something I even have to think about anymore. Maybe I'm just expecting far too much for 8 months out?

#8 Dec 5 - 10AM

Hunter

Your head is in over

Your head is in over drive.. Should you have a cup of coffee.. Does it matter?? Either way that's not a wrong choice.. It's a cup of coffee.. As far as other things.. I myself suffer from terrible ADD.. Being narced makes it even more difficult to concentrate .. Make lists.. This will help you.. Yes my friend it's time to stand on your own two feet.. You are now the one flying the plane... Don't be afraid... I'm sure the choices going forward will be good ones.. If nothing else we learn many life lessons once narced.. And that's not always a bad thing... Remember the piolet is always in Charge! Hunter

#9 Dec 5 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

GeorgiaGirl

I know this may seem silly, Hunter

But its a struggle just to get through each day. These questions follow me wherever I go and I'm stressed by them. I've never directed my own life...ever. I've been told what to do or what was expected of me or had demands made of me constantly. Where I am now is totally unfamiliary territory - imagine spending 36 years under someone's thumb. Freedom WOULD be frightening...better the devil you know than the one you don't (in my mind).

#10 Dec 5 - 2PM (Reply to #16)

uk lady

Absolutely no way GG

If the only better you know is the devil, as in a N. Then you are so much better away from it/him. Believe me you are a 36 yo woman with your whole life ahead of you to make a difference for you and your children. If I was 36 again and I knew then what I know now - I would have been running for the hills without a backwards glance. GG - it will get better - it can't possibly get any worse and with help from your counsellor you will make it through - I promise you. Please just hold on to that thought and you will get there. Freedom is frightening now but once you turn the corner it will take your breath away by how much choice you have to finally be yourself without restrictions imposed on you by others. The hard work now will reap dividends in the long run. Dee x

#11 Dec 5 - 3PM (Reply to #17)

GeorgiaGirl

It's true, Dee

I've been surrounded by them my entire life...and every boss/manager I've had has been one! Its what I know. I agree that the revelation of that truth almost knocked me to my knees. I am working really hard to exricate myself from the remaining N in my life and run. I can see now that that's what I want - it just scares me to death. I don't know what I'd do without all of you!

#12 Dec 5 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

Hunter

Oh I don't think it's silly

Oh I don't think it's silly at all.. A new Journey for you indeed .. Embrace it.. Start making lists.. You must start at the begining to get to the end!! Hunter

#13 Dec 5 - 10AM

blueworld

im going out on a limb

I may be reaching here but i believe its because someone was always steering you and you dont even know where to find your voice and strength yet, or you were the captain and always ridiculed and eventually just threw your hands up to avoid pain drama and conflict? became submissive , the peace maker..etc? then after repeated intensely painfully times with unforgivable things done to you , you may be angry still that you allowed it and therefore feel you cannot even trust yourself like you blame your self for abuse and actions of others?

#14 Dec 5 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

GeorgiaGirl

The angry part is definitely true

You hit on something there, blueworld. I AM angry at myself that I allowed this to happen my entire life. That I couldn't/wouldn't wake up sooner to what was going on before it damaged me, my life and my children. I don't feel that I can trust myself after a lifetime of AWFUL decision-making. I CHOSE stbxN...CHOSE the monster...how do I trust myself with even the small stuff when I screwed up so badly with the BIG THINGS!!! Jeez, blueworld, that is something I need to look at really hard.

#15 Dec 5 - 2PM (Reply to #11)

Im_always_fine

OUCH. That's it isn't it?

OUCH. That's it isn't it? We've made a horrible life altering mistake. I'm very worried about the repercussions on my kids. I, who am supposed to protect them chose to allow someone in to our lives who turned out toxic. Once I'm out of this due to my spiritual beliefs I'm going to go straight work on forgiveness...me first...then him. I've already apologized to kids and asked their forgiveness. I'm reminded of something my dad says, "There is no such thing as a WRONG decision." He says that all of our choices are right no matter how they seem to turn out at first. Even a bad decision has a lesson or an importunity inside it. Like a seed contains the DNA for an entire fruit bearing tree....a "problem" inherently contains inside it a solution. He says the question is evidence of the answer. The fact that the dilemma/question/problem even exists is PROOF that answer also exists. Forgive yourself, be courageous, and if you can't trust yourself..trust the universal order of things.

#16 Dec 5 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

GeorgiaGirl

I really think it is

I think this revelation is going to be HUGE in my recovery. I sat there reading blueworld's words and I started crying (not so good at work!). This is where my feelings of failure, my anger/irritation/abrasiveness, the meltdowns, etc are all stemming from. I can just feel it. And criminy I never even considered asking my children for their forgiveness. My oldest child has zero self-esteem, refuses to make decisions to his benefit and has a tidal wave of guilt. My second child has PTSD. My third child has ADHD and cannot make friends. My youngest is neglected/abused every other week. Its just heaps and shovels of blame, guilt and self-abuse for what has happened to them. I never considered that the #1 person I need to forgive is me. I LOVE this: "Even a bad decision has a lesson or an importunity inside it. Like a seed contains the DNA for an entire fruit bearing tree....a "problem" inherently contains inside it a solution. He says the question is evidence of the answer. The fact that the dilemma/question/problem even exists is PROOF that answer also exists."

#17 Dec 5 - 12AM

uk lady

Morning GG

All very scary stuff and if you are not used to it, then even more scary. Just be aware that you have made the biggest, and best, decision you will ever have to make - getting you and your children away from the exN as soon as you could. All the other stuff pales into insignificance in comparison. Much like - life goes on, shit happens and you deal with it - we have no other option. As you get stronger and fully heal things will get easier. Try not to beat yourself up too much in the meantime. BUT that will only be possible because you called a halt to the exN's entitlement to be full time in your life. Well done girl, you are doing a great job. You are now officially the Captain of Your Own Ship. Dee x

#18 Dec 5 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

GeorgiaGirl

Thank you Dee

I really appreciate your perspective on this. Years of conditioning have skewed my thinking so badly. I keep getting lost in the details of life rather than seeing a "big picture". Thanks for the kudos...I need to go find my Captain's hat!

#19 Dec 5 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

Hermes

Right on, Dee!

Yes to everything Dee has said. GG. It will be exhilarating to be at the helm of your own ship, the captain ofyour own furtunes in life, and as you go you will learn to navigate all the obstacles and storms. It sure is scary, but it is "good scary". Feel the fear and do it anyway! Good luck Hermes

#20 Dec 5 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

GeorgiaGirl

I look forward to exhilarating, Hermes!

I can't seem to differentiate between "good" scary and "bad" scary yet - it's just all damn scary!

#21 Dec 5 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

Hermes

Good scary

Georgia The good scary, you will know when it has arrived. Feels like wind under your wings. You say it is a struggle to get through each day. Of course it is. You can't just "buck up and get on with it", as if you had never experienced the trauma, in particular life-long trauma. Go easy on yourself. You can't do everything, none of us can. I could hardly remember my own name immediately post-N. Just slow down, and get eery help there is available, including therapy. Look after yourself and your health too. Good luck Hermes

#22 Dec 5 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

nomoredenial

Georgia

It will get easier...I am in sorta the same boat as you only I wasnt with the N as long, but after the initial shock you will find that its actually easier because you have more energy to spend on yourself, your kids and your decision making process. I read on a n sight to repeat I bless and accept this feeling, Breath. I have it written and hung on my door. I read it a lot in the beginning when I was completely overwhelmed. Your confidence will build, little by little, just like how it was undermined, little by little.

#23 Dec 5 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

GeorgiaGirl

Thank you

I really like that saying. I appreciate your insights - little by little is exactly the pace I need to keep!

#24 Dec 5 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

nomoredenial

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews