how?

26 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 10 - 11PM

tasha

I think this post may have been done before, but here goes anyway. My XNH and I have been apart for 6 years. He has had a girlfriend for I'd say 2years of that. It seems to be working. I no longer have any feelings for or anything like that. But HE'S MAKING IT WORK. Since I became aware of Narcissists, I believe that my XNH did more damage that the recent XNB.

I'm not jealous or anything like that-But how is he doing it? How has he found stability and happyness,when he's the Narc and I'm the normal one? I dont get it, now either he has changed or she's just like I was for many years. I'm just curious any feed back would be great thanks.

Tasha

#2 Nov 11 - 11PM

Lisa E. Scott

Tasha

He has not found stability and happiness. They never change. His new partner is experiencing exactly what you did. If not now, eventually. Be grateful he is out of your life so you can move on to healthy people. You deserve nothing less.

#3 Nov 11 - 8PM

tasha

ladies..

You've raised some interesting points for me to ponder over. My older sons reside with them and I think he might marry this gal and live happily ever after-or so it seems! But the more I read the more I feel sorry for her and the more I think all is not as I've been lead to believe 'in paradise'! I think she is placid and laid back-sometimes when we speak over the phone, he is very sharp and blunt with me,I tell him-'your not speaking to XXXXX-your speaking to me and don't talk to me like that or I'm hanging up!'He forgets who he's talking to. I don't tolerate what she does and never will again. Thanks again

#4 Nov 11 - 8AM

cynthia (not verified)

THE OTHER WOMAN

I wanted to make an additional comment, "THE OTHER WOMAN" is always a mystery and has been a hot topic on this site, I think its so puzzling to imagine them in any type of normal relationship when ours or I should say MINE spent so little time with me as well with some others on this site. We can assure you that NONE of their relationships come close to normal because if yours is truly a Narcissist their relationship is without LOVE, because they have no ability to love others as we do, the key ingredient that sustains a healthy relationship. Without love there follows a cluster of behaviors, no respect, no loyalty, impulsive lying, not caring what would hurt the other partner behind their back, When you love someone you would never want to do something you know would deeply hurt them, these guys DONT CARE but they know right from wrong, they just dont care. If I were to be completely honest with you even as far along as I am in my healing about half way I would say, realizing I would NEVER want this type of man for a partner you always wonder what the other woman is like, but I have talked to the OTHER WOMEN on this site and have found out what they are like, they are different that I am, and want the same as I do in a relationship, a man they can trust, respect, but mostly they want a man that is capable of loving another human being and you wont find that with a psychopath or narc, these other women have been used, abused, betrayed, cheated on, ignored, controlled, brainwashed,and many sexually and intimately starved because of their Narcissists sexual dysfunctions, everything that I endured as the "side woman" per say. Not ONE Other wife or girlfriend said they were happy, so what does that tell you? THey keep you as long as they can fool you, when you get too smart, you are history. I dont know what your history is but sounds like you know from being married to one what they are, You just keep plugging away and going in the right direction you are going, you never walked away from love, none of us did

#5 Nov 12 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

time_to_move_on

very true...

Cynthia. As the girlfriend of a narc/psycho it was just so grim, and completely false. He didn't love anyone apart from himself. I so believed he really did love me. It's recently I've been shell-shocked as I've come to understand that he couldn't have done, in any shape or form. Along with the abuse, he was just so grumpy, when we lived together for a short time it was like living with a spoilt child... followed me all around the house and never shut up about himself. But before coming on here I used to think the women my ex was involved with "on the side" (he was a big emotional cheater)were having a great time, he was being lovely to them and saving all his angsty outpourings for me. I can now see (with the benefit of hindsight and from coming on here) we've all had it bad, we all get lied to/manipulated, get the lousy sex and abuse. It's the same story. I've also been the woman on the side before that to another narcissist, I didn't know about his gf (until much later). But I should not have been in denial mind you, he was living with both of us on and off for months, I dumbly thought "no woman would put up with him being away for that long, he CAN'T have another gf. Yeah, right. He'd split up with her (or she'd more likely kicked-him out), but later he was involved with her again, and she came knocking on my door as someone had seen us together. She did say, "well, at least you haven't spent 7 years with him". I'd only done two. Typing this now I can see that my ex was probably with her all the time we'd been together, but at the time I was in denial...I guess honesty with myself hurt back then. I was always the person on the side in that one. Either way, no matter what role you're in, whether you're the supposedly "serious" gf or the "bit on the side", you're in hell. They treat you all with contempt.

#6 Nov 12 - 6PM (Reply to #21)

cynthia (not verified)

Never think that, you couldnt be further from the truth

I used to think the women my ex was involved with "on the side" (he was a big emotional cheater)were having a great time, he was being lovely to them And me being the other side woman always thought they give their best emotional love to their partners,? ha ha ha and just treated us like meat. Are you kidding? We went throught the ED, the lies, excuses, and trust me when you left you felt very unloved. I dont know why I tolerated such inhuman treatment from someone, always in a hurry, always had something he had to do then would come back a few hours later, so inconsiderate and thoughtless, When I was at his home for what two days, all he offered me was a glass of fricking water, ya he took me to lunch but there by the side of his bed he had a glass of pop and I had NOTHING, he couldnt even say, hey do you want a snack, or hot coco or something, or do you want a dish of icecream, or popcorn whatever you want let me know. NOTHING, I mean how rude. I can just imagine the Girlfriend always waiting on them, catering to them, and she gets very little in return. And the nerve always had me give him back rubs like It was a message parlor or something, never offered to rub my back and I am the one that drove to see him for 2 hours. You never have to wonder anymore how their side women are treated, they dont get the best of them sexually or in ANY OTHER WAY, many times when I left I would say to myself, THANK GOD SHE CAN HAVE HIM, I honestly think the only reason his GF stays with him is because he is very wealthy I can think of no other reason she could live with a man so selfish and sick

#7 Nov 12 - 7PM (Reply to #22)

tasha

cynthia

my XNB was the same never cared for me. I think he cooked dinner for me once and took me to lunch once. Meanwhile I would take food,pick up booze and cigarettes for him. Yep and not even a glass of fricking water! he gave the rest the best and me nothing-at the time I was preganant to him. He gave them everything I wanted from him and gave me a baby(something I did'nt want) One day he kicked me out when I was pregnant-reckoned he needed space. LIES-he lined up someone else to spend the night!!

#8 Nov 12 - 7PM (Reply to #23)

cynthia (not verified)

LIES-he lined up someone else to spend the night!!

the bastard, but I never got the best of her boyfriend, NEVER they dont give the best to anyone like I said in an earlier post I sat home here and cried, wanting to be with him, he strung me along making me believe he loved me and there he was on some wonderful vacation with his girlfriend having me believe they never went anywhere together and their relationship was not real good, ALL LIES, he probably cheated on her while on vacation together, they all cheat and lie and are rotten people, sick selfish pigs is what I call them, they get women pregnant and dump them on the side of the road, they are gutless, and nothing but cowards, they arent real men at all they should be ashamed to call themselves men, we are just sperm recepticles for them. Lets talk about respect, how can you love a person if you have NO RESPECT for them NONE, I have more respect for men that are in prison paying for their crimes than these pigs. I treat my dog better than he treated me, I bathe my dog, feed my dog, give him water, love him, care for his needs, and interact with my dog, he never did that for me

#9 Nov 11 - 7AM

AnotherPath

This could be a post that my

This could be a post that my Exn's girlfriend before me could have written. She was dumped and later I found out abused. But he met me after her. We were together for 8 years, had two children. She used to call when I was with him for the first two years, she thought he'd found happiness with me. After 8 years of abuse I called her to let he know that he had actually got worse and abused me too. THEY DON'T CHANGE

Ending the dance

#10 Nov 11 - 7PM (Reply to #18)

tasha

Anotherpath

Very much so. Ae we know they play the victim and disclose very little about the past relationships. I feel sorry, maybe he is treating her as bad as he treated me. Thanks another for the insight.

#11 Nov 11 - 7AM

cynthia (not verified)

Tasha

if he cheated with you he is cheating with her also, if not now, he will soon. My x has been with his OW for 7 or 8 years and is it working? Hell no its not working, he cheats on her, he did with me and God knows how many others. I dont call that a good relationship between two people when the one is a sex addict and predator and cheats, and destroys women on the side. Just because they are with someone for years and years dont let that fool you, that doesnt mean anything, you have no idea what he does behind her back and Narcs never never find the happiness as we know it by the way. He hasnt run off into the sunset and its kissy face with this woman, and I have never heard of a narcissist being stable, impulsive yes and thrill seekers but stable? Its only an illusion my dear, she just might be easier to train than you were who knows, you dont want someone like that trust me they cant be trusted ever. It takes a long time to get to that point of not caring what they do and who they are with, a very long time, after awhile its just not worth it, who cares what he is doing, he was toxic to you and made your life hell and that is all that matters in the end, they dont change for anyone else, PATHOLOGY IS THE INABILITY TO CHANGE OR GROW.

#12 Nov 11 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

Amazed

Cynthia, Awesme statement ,,Pathology is the inability to grow

Wow Cynthia, that is so profound. If you are not growing, you are withering. To be with that deadening pathological person, makes a part of us die inside. We are struggling to regain our life, just because of the very temperment of this person. True fulfillment, comes from personal growth. Whatever that is for you, that is what brings meaning, joy, peace, fulfillment and drive, expression to our lives!! Growth may mean learning to be a better mother, worker, cook, painter, art appreciator, craftsman, or developing a spiritual depth. We become slowly deprived of this experience, in a very subtle, yet pervasive way in relationship with this disordered personality. Our live becomes skewed, and we struggle to get it back. This very essence, of the pathologic, the inability to change or grow, is crucial to understanding our healing process. Thank you so much for sharing that comment, you have brought huge light.

#13 Nov 11 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

tasha

well

tell you the truth cynthia-he did cheat with me!That was last year when he came for our twins birthday. And then he went back to her like nothing happened and was playng happy families with her. I'm sooo0 glad I'm not the only one who has been the 'cheatee!'Thanks cynthia for you feed back

#14 Nov 11 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

cynthia (not verified)

its ok

nobody judges anybody on this site, we were victims that were conned and some stalked. I dont go around looking to have relationships with men that have a significant other, its undermining and not morally ethical and its very dangerous and can destroy peoples lives. We were both used abused and conned, there was no truth ever given to us only lies but they didnt care their needs came first. I cared and have suffered greatly from that choice I made. These men think nothing of cheating where you and I take it very seriously, I would rather choose our path, it leads to peace

#15 Nov 11 - 6AM

quietude (not verified)

tasha

Nope ~ not possible. If he's and N, they do not change, therefore, his treatment of people, especially those close to him hasn't changed. You could 'hear' that they're the happy couple, but two years into it...it's highly doubtful she hasn't seen at least some of his true self. It's more likely that she is like you and I WERE. Pretending to the outside world to be happy, while living a miserable existence with an N. You say "he's making it work". Does that just mean just because they're still together? That doesn't mean anything. Does that mean that's what he tells you? Well, I'm sure you're aware they are liars. Best not even to be involved in what he is or isn't doing, part of NC.

#16 Nov 11 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

tasha

Hi quietude

No I don't indulge in their lives, We live 100 miles away from each other. Yes they are still together and yes he is a compulsive liar. We do have contact because of the kids-nothing more. We are past the NC stuff, but now and again he has a little dig at me-too see if he can get a rise out of me. I ignore him and get on with the business at hand-the children. He hates that I ignore him,But i've woken up to him and his games. Thanks : )

#17 Nov 11 - 2AM

destiny (not verified)

Just a thought....does she

Just a thought....does she have more of a laid back type of personality? I have a friend like this...and she just goes with the flow and her husband does whatever he wants and she really doesnt care. Always the positive type..never thinks anything bad will happen. I think with someone like my friend a Narc would be in heaven. I am more of a type A personality. I am also very analytical (Ns detest that) Also, it could be all just a show and they really arent all that happy. He could be cheating on her...you just dont know. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#18 Nov 11 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

tasha

hi destiny

I'm not sure what her personality is like, I know that she has 3 children, she'd 24,she's a teacher and she is over weight-not that her weight means anything to me. I think she is very progressive, she has a nice car and is aiming to buy her own home. However I think because of her weight-she has self esteem issues-that's I suspect the valnerability that the XNH has honed in on. The more feedback I'm reading-the more I'm feeling sorry for her. thanks destiny.

#19 Nov 11 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

time_to_move_on

I think....

even if someone has a laid-back personality they will still get abuse no matter what. My ex went out with a woman for five years, and I knew more about it than I should have done because he was using her mother while he was with me to support him (a long story, and he was kind of in love with her as she adored him). Her mother told me that the daughter was very laid-back and tolerant, he eventually repaid her by kissing someone else in a bar while she went to the toilet, dealing drugs again... and also emailing another woman (the same one he did it to with me). I didn't find out a lot of this until we split (he actually told me some of it) and from her mother. And then after he'd treated her so badly he wanted her back. I also have a long-term friend, he stayed at our house loads when I was growing up. He's probably got a personality disorder, he's gone out with other friends of mine, drove one of them mad. He's been married 8 years to a really nice woman, who lets him do whatever he wants. But she's now crying, depressed, and finally woken up to the fact that he's cheating scum who's probably sleeping with someone 20 years younger. I cut him out of my life for a long-time because of how he was, then saw him again recently. I don't think they treat anyone well, they just hide it better and maybe don't rage as much. He was talking to me today in puzzlement as she's started to ask him what he's doing in a joking way as well as ask him to spend more time with her.. it's starting to unravel.

#20 Nov 11 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

cynthia (not verified)

YOUR RIGHT

In fact sometimes I think because they are just actors that they really dont care what your personality is, they project to you what they know you want, and its all fake on their end. As long as they can manage, control, manipulate and train you they could really care less about any of your personal likes and dislikes, they just pretend they do. When you see people as objects that is the way they probably view us.

#21 Nov 11 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

GhostBuster

Being laid back

Well, I'm was very laid back in my two N relationships...in the beginning, before the craziness began. I prefer to be laid back and it's just my natural personality. I mean, who wants to fight, fight, fight about ever little thing. For me, that would be exhausting. BUT when Ns ripped off their masks and revealed their monstrous selves, laid back me was replaced with something neither of them expected...someone who called them on their behavior and didn't just let them do whatever they wanted. So just because someone is naturally laid back doesn't necessarily mean their easier to abuse, in my opinion. I think the Ns think so in the beginning as they're luring laid back gal, but get a big surprise when they start abusing. Personally, I think it has more to do with someone not respecting and asserting their own boundaries. I tend to just let the little boundary violations slide too much and I'm learning that I can't do that anymore. When the Ns butt up against my big boundaries, they get the fight of a lifetime. But the little boundary violations need to be addressed too.

#22 Nov 12 - 5AM (Reply to #5)

time_to_move_on

I'm the same...

Ghostbuster, I do, and still do exactly what you did. All my partners say aren't you laid back? But then I lose it with abusers at some point, as in really start shouting. I've thrown things at people's heads before on the odd time.. not good, need to just leave them! I find it very hard to assert myself/put boundaries in place over the smaller things (and some not so small) then at a later date I'd be a screaming banshee (which didn't help either). With the last N, I got it together after a year, stopped yelling and just told him not acceptable. He moved onto someone else. He also left me before when I put boundaries in place. Is this a narc habit? You say no, they say bye? I'm still angry and fuming but realised it no longer worked. I'd really like to be able to put boundaries in place over smaller things in my life. I guess I need to just do it and learn to feel comfortable.

#23 Nov 12 - 6AM (Reply to #6)

time_to_move_on

meant to add...

I have friends who laugh at my "laid-backness", I look puzzled as I know there are certain things I don't put up with. Sometimes, people equate laid-back with walkover, which isn't always the case. I just don't sweat the small stuff. But with my last relationship I made a lot of mistakes due to loneliness/stress in my life. However, one of my friends did say I needed to let people know what I think more (over certain things), as your real friends and partners won't leave you for that. That's probably just pertinent to me though :)

#24 Nov 12 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

quote

PATHOLOGY IS THE INABILITY TO CHANGE OR GROW As much as I adore cynthia, that quote is directly from my friend Sandra Brown, MA ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#25 Nov 12 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

4joys4

Aren't we ALL the other

Aren't we ALL the other woman?! LOL Think about it!

#26 Nov 12 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

lol 4joys4

oh yes 4joys4! We are the OTHER WOMAN to 'Rosy Palm and her 5 friends' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

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