I was just stuck in a rut with a narc. It all happened eventually, false apologies included just to make it through a meal, event, reunion, or doing the laundry.
Freedom rings, and even doing the dishes is funner and safer. No contact means I don't need to apologize for anything!
ds
Oh yes, just as most of us surely did, over and over again.
But no more... now all my apologies are saved for only those who who I truly wrong, when and if I do.
And most importantly for myself for allowing his sense of well being and peace of mind to become more valuable than my own.
The ex-Psych prof made me apologize to HIM when he had publicly mocked me after my grandfather's death.
During the final D&D, I was CONSTANTLY apologizing for "making him uncomfortable." What was my fault? What was my sin? Telling him I loved him. And yet he made me apologize for "discomfitting" him.
Yet he NEVER apologized for hurting my feelings, his outright lies, and the public humiliation.
He EXPECTED me to apologize for "violating his personal boundaries" in congratulating him on being engaged-and I didn't. When I once broke NC, I gloated how I will NEVER apologize for wishing him a happy life with the woman who is now his wife. I gave him some severe narcissistic injuries-and did so with a smile on my face-and I STOPPED apologizing.
I realized my apologies were a habit I had to break;and his oversized ego was also something I HAD to break.
I am the only one apologizing for every damn thing in the 3years relationshit!!!
He is never in the wrong only me! Even when we had a pregancy scare it was MY fault!!! He's such an asshole! I am apologizing for getting pregnant?? He said it was my fault he never intended to get married ever to any woman. If he was in his 40s he might be happy to have a child but never at 50s. I was so so hurt and apologizing to him?? WTF!
i was always apologizing going to him to inniate it
and then told this
"you never apologize, im always the one apologizing to the other"
"you never say your sorry, i have to pull it out of you"
if i wasnt apologizing i was constantly needing validation we were "ok"
truth be told it never felt "ok"
i always had suspicion and i was constantly on edge
my words were always twisted
in fights and arguments i could keep up with the gun fire
i was defensive i was apologetic i was angry i was calm i was sorry i was confused all in one emotion!
i would come to him after he physically choked me or threw me or grabbed me or hurt me some other way
and i always tried to make the pain go away by communicating with him
but i learned very quickly he was a recorder
he says im sorry , so sorry ....then repeats the action
he says "trust me" "im not lying to you" "you dont trust me".....when he gets caught lying ...repeatedly
he always said these beautiful speeches filled sometimes with sobbing tears and begging
but repeated everything , over and over and over
there has been actually very moments where i truly realize that i could literally pick up on every single lie before i caught him
i thank god for that, in a way the pain and intensity of the 3 years increased and i was able to catch him faster and faster
and he HATED IT
he had to lie more to cover up lies
tear me down and apart to make me weak and hurt
make me feel like everything was me and im unstable
of course making me unstable
but in this final physical time i saw him wayyy back in sept when i broke up with him
i was cold as ice
i was angry
i was powerful
i was strong
i was sarcastic
i was calling him out on all his shit
i confronted him
head on
then as you all know
keep in touch on the phone long distance
seven days after the slient treatment he D&d'd me
yeah we all walked in these shoes..............
I deserve to apologize to myself again and again...Fuck him. He deserves Karma- however God deems fit to serve it.
I apologize to my little girl inside all the time for putting her in harm's way again and again and again- when all she wanted was a good love that would not hurt her.
alissa, i don't even want to think about this...aaaargh
sheesh don't even remind me... i am flinching.
couple years ago, i ended up apologising to N because HE had a sordid affair with his colleague.. i was getting singed in his rage...so had to eventually buckle down and declare he is the supreme being who is so upright and faithful to me....aaargh
after a few of those crappy sessions, i just stopped calling him out in his bandit behaviour...
after that, there have been other ow but..i am careful to turn a blind eye...a-la Mrs Strauss Kahn.
we can never WIN an argument with a Narc...especially if we are sticking to Truths and Facts. They have the pressure power of a 100 wild horses gone berserk .
ALWAYS APOLOGIZED EVEN FOR SHIT I DIDN'T DO! The only time he said sorry was at my D&D's! He would hug me tell me we will talk, and said "sorry" and left, I always chased him , and apologized for what ever i did, even not knowing what I did if anything. I didn't go after him and I damn sure didn't apologize this time!
No apologies!
Of course he tried to put me on the back foot, (and at that stage I knew nothing of PDs or NPDs or anything else). Indeed I just thought : "he has gone insane".
Still and all, such a waste of time and energy.
Hermes
yes.
I did it so often when I look back on it it makes me want to puke. Forgiving myself for begging my abuser to break his silent treatment and acknowledge my existence for some perceived "wrong" I committed that I didn't even know what it was literally makes me gag these days.
The behavior became automatic. I no longer recognized what the patheticness of it. I no longer recognized myself.
I did this out of conditioning. It was a conditioned response to his treatment of me. Like Pavlov's dog, I learned that to "gain his love (gag!)" I had to beg and plead and be sorry for things I didn't even know. Mostly to be sorry for being who I was, which was of course never good enough for The King. UGH!
I am glad you brought this up, though it makes my stomach twist up in knots because I am still working through forgiving myself for being so pitiful and weak. I chalk it up to the brainwashing and thank God and the Universe each and every day that I'm out of the fog and no longer afraid.
The sick M'Fer really tried to take me down. He literally had me "spinning." I own that now, and realize that his terrorist tactics were meant to control and keep me docile and dormant. He knew my power and tried to take it from me. Now that I'm out and out in the real world again, I understand his fear. People like me and he lived in mortal fear that I would realize one day that I was with a sick, hollow, frightened little freak boy. So instead he tried to make me into what he was...and it almost worked.
Alissa, sorry for this long post. I'm actually grateful for the opportunity to vent and to "get it out," the venom of which surprises me. I'll take the venom over depression any day. The sick freak's D & D was the best thing he ever did for me in the entire six years of hell I endured. At 12.5 months out, I practically want to send him a thank you note until I remember things like this...
Most sincerely,
(not) spinning. AND NOT APOLOGIZING FOR NOTHING ANY MORE EVER AGAIN EITHER!
Thank you so much everyone for all the replies. I'm so glad I'm not the only one.
And (not) Spinning, thank you for your reply too! Thanks for writing it all out because the more I read about it, the more I see how sick it all is.
I can totally relate to all that you wrote . My N lives very close to me, so I will only be able to go NC if I can move. Anyway, I'm just so sick of his behavior! And of my own behavior!
And like you said, it's all because of 'fear' , that we start apologizing for nothing, for being who we are. I feel so pathetic.
It's always: "Oh N, have I done something wrong?"
N: "No. Why do you ask."
me: "you're acting so different... so cold... "
N: (giving me the cold shoulder)
me: "I'm sorry if I said something wrong.. if I did something wrong... Is it because I said (...**something about how I feel ***... )?"
N: "The weather is so nice outside" (ignoring me and the silent treatment starts for the next few days start)
A little later.
Me: "N, I didn't intend to hurt you, I am so so so sorry. I'm only human you know. Humans make mistakes." (ugh)
N: "OK."
and then I would leave him alone until he started worrying that he was about to lose his NS.
*******
Or what about this. N was extremely mean to me one day, but came to me a few days later. This was the one and only time he sort of apologized for his mean words.
N: "are you still mad at me?"
me: "well, you were very, very mean to me."
N: "what did I do??"
me: " (... **mentioning what he did **...)"
N: "I didn't mean it."
me: "ok, I'll forgive you then."
N: " ok, I'll forgive you too."
me: "did I do something wrong then?!?"
N: "uhh.. uhh... no..." and then he hurried away.
********************
(Not) Spinning, you wrote: "Like Pavlov's dog, I learned that to "gain his love (gag!)" I had to beg and plead and be sorry for things I didn't even know. Mostly to be sorry for being who I was, which was of course never good enough for The King. UGH!"
UGH INDEED!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARGH.
thanks again for your replies everyone!!!!!!!!!! xxxx Alissa
I apologized for not being...good enough, patient, sweet enough...ect ect and for being the reason he had his affair..oh please I look back on that time now and ask myself REALLY? Wow was I asleep
I apologised a great deal,
All the time......
Yes all the time. He was a
I did apologize at times for
He grabbed another female in
I was just stuck in a rut
Oh yes, just as most of us
Journey on...
Constantly apologizing
Oh tell me about it!!
Guilty as charged over and
this is sick
yes- and now I save every apology for myself!!!
alissa, i don't even want to think about this...aaaargh
ALWAYS APOLOGIZED EVEN FOR
No way
Alissa, the short answer is
spinning
thank you so much
this.
YES!