Lying to myself

Mine did not watch much porn but when he did it seemed like cold and clinical observation - not excited - freaky huh? Same kind of coldness watching animal shows when animals in the wild kill for the hunt and do horrifying things - he never flinched, just observed. You are not responsible for any of the N's problems that were there long before you, He is the fake, not you. The realizations of how fake our entire perceived reality with someone has been is truly devastating, but hang in there and keep your chin up - it will improve as the knowledge seeps in and your heart catches up to your mind. therapy does help ease the confusion and thinking...but this site is a great teacher too

I hope you can focus on taking care of your pain and anger. What other people do is not your bad. Don't let him turn the tables on you. You could simply respond, "that is bullshit". Making love to one's wife and masterbating with porn are not even on the same planet as eachother sexually or in a loving relationship. That being said I am not diminishing your pain and dissapointment. It is a heartbreaking realization to find out he does that. It is altogether difficult for a "nice girl" to understand the sexuality of men. It is more animalistic than a nice girl want to beieve. Now for yourself...If you weren't faking it what would you be? I encourage you to find your authentic self and be her. I know she is a strong, brave, happy woman. Hang in there and love yourself today.

Try to go easy on yourself, BlueMist. But also, I think what you say in your post does demonstrate that you would benefit enormously from talking to a professional to help you through these confusing times. I know, I know, you mentioned the financial aspect. But would you just consider it? Please. I know it is all rather complicated. Hermes

Blue, our society has drastically changed since the Internet has made porn a household friend for many. Porn in this country is a multi billion dollar industry and of course it is also free on many sites. Porn is a vice, it is entertainment for some, a crutch for others, and for some a major addiction. Men in general LOVE porn. They can get their rocks off in seconds or minutes without having to do any work. They can also experience multiple partners and have a variety of experiences through porn which would be normally unlikely in a relationship with a gf/wife. It is a fantacy world of intrigue and suspense. Our society has created and made porn widely available to the masses in a way never available before. Young boys are able to watch porn and become addicted and orientated to a vast world of sexual excitement without having to deal with intimacy and the work of initiating sex with a real girl or woman. Men manipulate their gf/wives into believing that porn is normal and completely acceptable and if they do not comply they are cold, a prude, a bad lover and partner. Whether or not you want to engage in porn with your mate is a personal choice, just like everything else in life. If you also enjoy it and want to have it as a part of your sexual life as partners than so be it. If you do not like it or believe in it then this is also your choice. The truth of the matter is that we have become a lazy society. Porn for SOME, not all, can become the lazy mans vice to avoid intimacy with his partner and also can become an addiction and for many in this generation it was already an addiction before you met them, you just did not know this. Trust you own instincts on this one and realize that most men at one point or another have and will engage in porn. We cannot put back in Pandora's box what society has so fully released for decades now. It is what it is. When two people are at ease with watching porn together this is one thing. When the man watches it alone to the extent that it becomes an addiction and he is no longer able or willing to make healthy loving love to his gf/wife and becomes addicted to it, then you have a problem on your hands and like with any addiction: either he gets help with his problem or you have a choice as to whether or not you choose to stay in the relationship. Most men will engage in porn if given the time, opportunity, and place, so I wouldn't get too concerned if this is what he is doing and he is not a porn addict and you can chose to engage with him or tell him it is not your bag. You will never be able to change a man from a visual creature to an emotionally based creature, many before you have tried and it cannot be done. Do what feels right to you and don't worry what anyone else thinks you should do or how you should believe. Recovery from abuse it about finding yourself and your own inner core. This take time, be patient with yourself, you will get there. God bless, Goldie

OK I am really going out on a limb here, ladies (and men). I've never dealt with the porn issue. My N just cheated on me when I wasn't around (long-distance relationship). And I'm told that in Costa Rica he spent a lot of time in whorehouses (yes I've been tested). I would imagine that seeing your man all hot & bothered watching porn would be disconcerting, and I do think that taking it to the internet is....gross. But sexuality is so complex. Even when I (thought) I was in a loving relationship that was Just Fine in the sex department, on occasion I would retreat with a softly pornographic book and meet my own needs in my own way. No doubt other women do this too. I never thought of it as betrayal or rejection of my lover. Actually it sometimes left me more eager and ready to "be" with him. Sad, because I have excellent sexual energy, and as it turned out, the N was faking everything but the most basic mechanics. What a freakin' waste. Ns do 1,000,000 things to hurt us. Don't want to be unsupportive of you, Blue Mist. But when we're awash with pain, I think we paint with a wide brush. If he did porn but was otherwise a giving, honest, loving person, it might not be so painful for you. *hugs*

I personally do not think that watching porno is that awfull. Statistics says they are the most visited web sites. Sex occupies a huge place in the people mind, both men and women. Maybe women (just tradionally) feel more ashamed to admit it. Maybe men are a bit more "needy" physically while women are more "needy" emotionally. The fact that the door was closed, means he respect you enough not to do it in front of you. That would be really not respectiful, unless you guys both agreed to watch it together. I know couples who wantch porno together. They are very dedicated, faithful, loving and caring. I would tease with my husband if I caught him watching porno.

You are not a fake, you are a loving woman under so much pressure and distress!! My ex would also watch porn, he knew it made me feel really uncomfortable. Sometimes he did it while I was laying on the couch in the next room... surely he could have come to me if he was horny!! There is nothing wrong with you doll. I'm soooooo mad at all the hurt this men are causing on good loving women like us, it's hearbreaking. I wish I could give you a megahug!!