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Out of Character, but Necessary!

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#1 Nov 15 - 9PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Out of Character, but Necessary!

Well, it's my exN's birthday and this is the first one since I've known him that I have not sent him a Birthday wish.

It goes against my nature not to and it feels wrong that this is what our friendship/business partnership/relationship has come down to. I hate that I must refrain from doing what I've never had to refrain from doing before... wishing someone I've cared about, an ex, an old friend, anyone who has been a big part (or even a little part) of my life - a Happy Birthday.

On my last birthday he 'forgot' and I know he'll think it is because of that, that he hasn't heard from me this year because it is so out of character. I'm sure he'll think I am doing it on purpose, which I am, but not for the reasons he will think.

I feel sad for him, that he really has so few friends who care any more, but I also know there is no point in empathizing with someone who can not empathize himself and who's driven those who have cared for him away by being an asshole narc incapable of sharing love.

A part of me thinks I should be the 'bigger' person and wish him one anyway, but if I did, I would be breaking NC and letting him know I care. Giving him supply when that is all he ever really wants and I choose not to be a source of his supply any more - not even as his Birthday gift.

I hate feeling this way.

Oh well.
Journey on...

Nov 19 - 5AM
Alisa
Alisa's picture

How ironic. My ExN's Birthday

How ironic. My ExN's Birthday is also the 16th of November and I haven't wished him a happy birthday either for the first time this year. I had decided I wouldn't a while ago but it seemed unnatural to me as well. Your post could've been written by me... Last year I left him a message and never even got a text saying "Thank you". When he contacted me again for my birthday I mentioned to him that I had sent him a birthday message and he claimed he had never gotten it. Lie? So this year I didn't bother, also because I knew it would be breaking NC. It's good to see that others are going through the same stuff I am going through. Journey, we are doing the right thing, even if it feels unnatural sometimes, but that's because Narcs force us to behave this way.
Nov 18 - 2AM
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You Give Him Control

in absentia when you give his reaction to your decisions even a fleeting thought. He wished me a happy birthday through my son this year...I completely blew his off. He deserves neither the thought or the sentiment. At least, not from me.
Nov 18 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The N's reaction

I agree that Ns/Ps still take up space in our heads if we think their reactions somehow matter to us. Or if we give their reactions importance. I don't know, sometimes I think it's more like sending a letter to the editor, a faceless editor. YOUR opinion matters more than if they publish it, if it gets refuted, or however the editor considers it. It's more of "I don't care how he reacts, if he does at all." When I gave the ex-Psych a gift (along with 3 other professors involved with my thesis),his reaction was complete ingratitude. Mine was a shrug and an eye roll. The fact he didn't give thanks didn't shock me by then. I wasn't angry. I didn't weep. I just made a super snarky remark and went on with my life. His ingratitude mattered as much a butterfly flapping its wings in a distant rainforest.
Nov 18 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
Journey
Journey's picture

Well, I don't necessarily

Well, I don't necessarily agree that having a thought about what his reaction might allows HIM to still have control. Unless I choose to act purely based upon those thoughts and not in my best interest... I can't prevent myself from thinking and it would be unfair to myself, to believe those thoughts alone give him any control over me what so ever, as long as they are only thoughts which I am then free to process and deal with. But I DO understand why you'd say that, thanks for sharing.

Journey on...

Nov 18 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
Winter
Winter's picture

I agree with you here, Journey

I think preventing yourself from thinking is not only unfair, but also counterproductive and dangerous. If we resist our thoughts, they take more power over us. Repressing thoughts can bring anxiety. When we process them and come to some conclusion, when we don’t resist them, they lose their power. When they lose their power, they no longer have the emotional impact on us and they become...boring. Really boring, no more interesting. This is when we stop having them just naturally. This is my own experience. But maybe some people are more efficient when they prohibit themselves from thinking about something... I could never achieve any result proceeding this way...
Nov 16 - 8PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Journey

I understand how you feel. We would never do that to a normal person. I divorced from my first husband 16 years ago. Every year he send me greeting and so do I. For birthdays, Cristmass, New Year and so on... We can also exchange gifts. But, he is a normal person, not a narc. We had issues and could not stay together, but none of us intentionally hurt anyone. The narc I was involved with will never receive any greetings from me. It does not go against my nature. He had a choice of treating me well and not using me. He made his choice. I made mine. Period. Love Winter
Nov 17 - 7AM (Reply to #12)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Winter

You took the words out of my mouth ditto!!
Nov 16 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Journey
Journey's picture

Thanks Winter, you are

Thanks Winter, you are absolutely right! I have to learn to treat myself better by making these choices for myself without doubting my own right to do so. HE made his choice and I must now be confident in mine. xo

Journey on...

Nov 16 - 3PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Journey, I empathize with the

Journey, I empathize with the situation you find yourself in related to his birthday & going against your nature an dnot sending a birthday wish. You are making the right choice. I am so proud of you (I actually remember your post last year about your sending him a birthday wish & it resonated with me then also). I'm thinking about you. Continue to be strong! Nan

Nan

Nov 16 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
Journey
Journey's picture

Thanks Nancy! I've forgotten

Thanks Nancy! I've forgotten the post of which you speak, but I'm not surprised that I mentioned it, geez, this recovery takes a long time eh? lol! I hope by next year at this time I simply forget what day it is :)

Journey on...

Nov 16 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

It's time to move on.. And

It's time to move on.. And that's what you are doing.. Look where you were and where you going...it's pretty Great!!! Hunter
Nov 16 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Journey
Journey's picture

So true Hunter, I am a long

So true Hunter, I am a long way from where I was at this time last year... it IS pretty great! :)

Journey on...

Nov 16 - 6AM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

You would not deliberately

You would not deliberately and knowingly contact something that carries a fatal contageous dis-ease, would you! As painful as it seems, you are on the right path here, so journey on and keep choosing to rescue the only life you can! --- Choices As you made your choice, And you chose you, There is no more “We”. I would at least Have chosen you and me. Now I have only one choice: You or me. Your actions still make me act Against my nature. (October 10, 2009)
Nov 15 - 9PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Journey

I'm sorry you are feeling so torn about this but you are doing the right thing staying NC. Try to stay out of his head - don't worry about what he'll think or why he'll think it. They are disordered, they are freaks and they hate any sort of "holiday". You did not make him what he is and you cannot do anything to change it. Instead, do something nice for you to celebrate your freedom and your new life. You are amazing!
Nov 15 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Journey
Journey's picture

Thanks GeorgiaGirl, I

Thanks GeorgiaGirl, I appreciate your comment! It is hard to stay out of his head today, harder than usual for sure. Narc in question always said he didn't like people to make a big deal out of his birthday (or any holiday for that matter), so I guess he is getting his wish. I just feel sorry for him today and sorry for myself I guess that I can't 'be' myself by reaching out as I usually would feel able to.

Journey on...

Nov 15 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
emtg
emtg's picture

Journey

I caved on his birthday for this very reason and broke NC. I wanted to be the bigger person and feel like myself. It just provoked a series of interactions that led me feeling miserable and less like myself than ever. It is hard to put yourself first when you are such a compassionate person, as you clearly are, but save it for those who truly love you and deserve it! Stay strong!
Nov 16 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
Journey
Journey's picture

Thanks emtg, with a NORMAL

Thanks emtg, with a NORMAL person, this wouldn't even be an issue. Sorry you learned that it is the 'hard' way, by breaking NC and suffering the after effects. Hope you are back to feeling 'yourself' again now!!

Journey on...