babydolls story

WOW is all a I can say because for the first time in a long time I realize I am not alone and I am not crazy and I am not stupid. I was just a fool for love. As a matter of a fact I do believe most of you have dated my exN! That being said I have been doing alot of reading of posts and for the first time in a loooooong time my life with my exN makes sense. I was married to him for 21 years and hind sight is 20/20 because looking back I feel ashamed because I am better than this! So here we go this is my story:

My exN and I were friends from the time we I was in 8th grade. I got pregnant my sophmore year by another N & ended it when I was 6 months pregnant but my daughter with him was born stillborn. I started dating my exN when I was a junior in high school. He helped get me through this rough time and I thought he was my Knight in shining armour but as the years passed I realize it was only tin foil. He had issues of holding down a job and had gotten fired from 2 jobs by the time I married him at the ripe ole age of 18. I chucked it up to being young and lazy and no real responsabilities. He'd grow up. Then there were odd things here and there that started after I got pregnant with our first child. I was 21 and he was 22 and he seemed so excited we were pregnant. But the bigger I got the more distant he became. Sex was less and I thought he was just afraid of hurting the baby or me. Always ready with an excuse for him. Then sex seemed like he just wanted to please himself and not me. He'd push for more oral sex for himself. There were times I would find shorts under bed that he had masterbated onto and when I confronted him he would just lie. I should have run then but I had come from a home with several shitty stepdads and I did not want that for my kid plus I figured he'd grow up.

Our daughter was born and at first he was so involved but as she grew older I noticed small changes in him. Lies that just rolled off his tongue so easily. They seemed harmless at first. He'd lie about sports or he'd jump on the band wagon of a friend he admired of a team he had always said he hated. He had woman friends at work that seemed harmless but now I believe may have been the start of it all.

My dad died when I was 24 and things got real crazy after that. We moved in to help my mom and that wasn't working so I decided to go to work. Our daughter was 3 at the time. I got a job working midnights and he worked 3-11, the problem was we only had 1 car. So I would take him to work and he rode home with a male friend. Well that male friend turned into a female friend. I had never been jeolous but the PD was emerging in him. At first it seemed like nothing but I found notes he had written her telling her how nice she looked and crap. When i confronted him being the "nice guy" he was he told me that he was helping a friend. That she was going through a divorce and was having a rough time and I was blowing it out of proportion.
It went on and one night he didn't come home. When he finally called he gave me some story about getting jumped and being at the police station. Lies! I found out he was with her. I packed his stuff but he cried and begged and pleaded. I just need more of you. Since the baby I just felt unloved and I was a fool, BLAH,BLAH, BLAH! Of course I believed it hook, line and sinker.

I went to nursing school and for about a year he seemed to be on his best behavior but I was still hurting from his betrayal. He just seemed to lie so much and he always had a way of turning things on me and making me feel like I had done something wrong. He was on the computer looking at porn sites all the time and those weird clothes that looked masterbated on reappeared. I confronted him....he lied. I showed him the porn history on the computer...he still lied. I believed him and I am still not sure why! Our daughter was 5 by this time and she used the computer. I gave him a choice...stay off porn or get out but I was the crazy one and making a big deal out of nothing. By this time he had been fired from 2 more jobs. But it was never ever his fault.

I got tired and packed his things but he would cry and beg for help. He didn't know what was wrong with him! He'd do whatever it took. I wanted to believe he was still the man I feel in love with. For awhile everything was great. The sex was amazing and he said all the right things. I know now he was just telling me what I needed to hear! But the lies and sneaking started again!

In 2003 after 13 years of marriage and I had had enough and I divorced him but of course he turned it up. HE stalked me and called and cried. I went back after 9 months and remarried him 6 months later. FOOL, FOOL!!!!

Things just escalated but I just kept making excuses. Then in 2005 we adopted our son and things got better for a couple years. I thought maybe he wanted more kids and we never could have anymore so here was a 7 month old that needed us. Things were good for awhile or I was blinded to his crap for the love of my new son. But after that he just got withdrawn and sneaky. I just don't know why I put up with it. I guess I just didn't want to believe or give up or raise my kids in a broken home, but it was already broken. I am a fixer!

We split again in 2008 and of course he pursued me. He loved me and the sex...whoa! I GOT PREGNANT!!!! That was the change I just knew he needed to change. She was a small miracle. He was great until I hit 7 months and I knew something else was going on in his head. He started leaving for work early. He was using the computer and lies were flowing like the NILE. When our baby girl was not even 6 weeks old he went in for a vasectomy. As I'm at the house caring for him and packing ice for his balls. I find an email accout I never knew he had with messages from woman galore. I found a dating app. he was a member of I didn't know he had with an email with 20 or more women friends he'd meet online posing as a single male. Dirty pictures of these women they had taken and sent to him. He had sent out emails that he was having a hernia repair. I was livid. My mom jumped him and was like what is wrong with you and he was like I am not sleeping with them, I feel empty, what is wrong with me. Of course I stayed to get him help. We went to 2 marriage counselors and 3 different psychiatrists. In Feb. I found out he was going to the OW apartment so I confronted her. He lied and she said they were just sex buddies. I let him stay but I was boiling. He promised to get it together but he NEEDED me. He's stop it all if I would just help him. I did until Dec. of 2010. My breaking point was finding his Facebook he was not supposed to have. I went to bust his cell phone and he picked me up and body slammed me. He moved out that day with the sheriffs help is has not nor is not returning.

I tried to be civil for our kids but he moved in with the OW and our oldest daughter told him she was done with him if he stayed with the OW. He told her she'd get over it. We fought constantly! I just didn't want our kids meeting the OW until we were separated 6 months. It was a constant war! He was sucking my soul dry. Finally in August after a child support hearing he was pissed because he was ordered to pay child support. He threatened to kill me and had his fist drawn to hit me in the court house parking lot. I thought this is it. I went and filed domestic violence against him and am moving forward! He hasn't seen our kids in 2 1/2 months because the judge ordered it. It has been heaven!

As far as NC I am doing great for the last 3 weeks. I have stopped googling his name and stalking his Facebook because contact does = pain!!!!!! I know eventually I will have to let him see the kids when the judge MAKES me but I am getting stronger every single day! I guess I could use some advice on how to deal with this OW being around my kids.

Thanks so much for reading!