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It *hurts*

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#1 Nov 12 - 8PM
smnp
smnp's picture

It *hurts*

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

I wish it could be different. (I know it can't.)
I wish he had loved me. (I know he didn't.)
I wish I could have been enough. (Impossible.)
I wish he wasn't one big lie. (He was.)
I wish I'd never found out about the SEVEN OW he was with. (Not really, but you know.)
I wish he wasn't engaged to that woman. (He is.)

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.

Day 12... I was actually alright for a while today. My cousin was here and we had a good afternoon shopping. We actually laughed a little. First time in a long time. And now it hurts again because it is late and I'm lonely.

I'm ok. It just hurts and you said to come here instead. So here I am. It hurts it hurts it hurts.

S.

Nov 13 - 1AM
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

You did the right thing by

You did the right thing by coming here. My ex narc has been with his wife for over 20 years. The only reason is because she is just like him. A proto-psychopath. Read the book, Puzzling People. It will help you to understand how some can become like 'them' and survive. This might be what's happening in your situation. But we can't survive around them. It's ok. It's not you. You are fine. You will find 'real' love. They are powerful toxic people who take so much out of us that we are delusioned into thinking there is something real there. There isn't. It's all a sham. Stay no contact. Please. It's sooooo hard. I know it. Trust me. We all know. We want to fix but sometimes things can't be fixed. Especially personality disorders. Impossible. Acceptance is the key to moving on. Bless your soul.

narcissizednomore

Nov 12 - 10PM
WiltedRose
WiltedRose's picture

I don't know if you are

I don't know if you are following Lisa's book but one of the writing exercises in there is to make a list of "Things I Will Not Forget"---mine only has about 26 on it (so far) but reading that helps me remember that I miss the ILLUSION of what he presented himself as being...when I get past the idealized, romantic nostalgia and read the things on that list, my eyes are opened again to the bloodless monster he REALLY is. Evenings are hard. I'm sorry. NC makes it easier. Remembering reality versus fantasy ("what might have been")makes it easier. I view my Narc as a voodoo doll--NC is a pin. Every day I get by with no NC, is like a pin stuck in him. It's the only way I can hurt him right now, and sure, it isn't all that "vindictive"-feeling, but after a while, even dozens of tiny pins can cause pain....
Nov 12 - 10PM (Reply to #14)
Anari
Anari's picture

I need to buy a voodoo doll.

I need to buy a voodoo doll. Do u actually have one?
Nov 13 - 8AM (Reply to #15)
WiltedRose
WiltedRose's picture

Lol

No, but it IS tempting.....on the other hand, that would require A LOT of pins!
Nov 12 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
Anari
Anari's picture

I need to buy a voodoo doll.

I need to buy a voodoo doll. Do u actually have one?
Nov 12 - 11PM (Reply to #13)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm a much bigger fan of the

I'm a much bigger fan of the Salem Narc Burnings...but that's just me...
Nov 12 - 9PM
empath
empath's picture

smnp

It does hurt. It hurts bad. It hurts so freaking bad that it seems unbearable at times. And because it hurts so bad, you must trust in the wisdom on this forum...the hard-earned rueful wisdom of everyone here who knows what an N is...and continue with NC. Stay with it, allow yourself to detox from the N., watch for more and more signs that your fog is lifting, and know that this hurt now, as bad as it is...would be worse if you were to allow him back in your life. Know that this hurt now, as bad as it is, will eventually fade and you will then be free of it and able to experience a real relationship that will give you joy. The first relationship though, is with yourself. It is in this stage of our healing journey, that we reconnect with who we are, and we realize we deserve so much better than someone who is designed to cause others pain. This pain is not a result of love, it is a result of abuse. You will heal. Keep coming here as often as you need to. This forum is open 24/7 and there is always someone here to listen and response. This pain you feel...is your friend. It is a sign of how much you need to be rid of that person, who is the source of your pain. Please also do not add to your pain by thinking any OW past, present or future is somehow exempt from feeling pain just like this.Ns are permanently disoirderd, they treat ALL of their targets the same. Whomever he may have in the idealization phase now, will someday be in ths devalue and discard phase too. That is the one thing we can absolutely guarantee you because that it their known pathology...that is what haooens time and time agan
Nov 12 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
smnp
smnp's picture

Empath-

The current OW (the main one anyway) is someone who has been in his life for 20 yrs. so she has not and will likely never be discarded. Not that it matters, but I can't even find comfort in knowing that he doesn't treat her any better than me. She is "it" for him. And it's crazy, but I sometimes wonder-- am I wrong? Maybe he doesn't have NPD? Maybe I'm just another exgirlfriend who feels sorry for herself and really WAS more into it than he was. But I think of the things he said and did. I start to doubt and get confused and think maybe I am just "seeking drama". Maybe I don't belong here. But you all read my story and agreed that what he did- WHO HE IS- is completely sick and sociopathic. He picked her. He is different with her. Why can't I bow out gracefully like a rational human being. I'm sticking to NC. Right now, it's simply because I know it would not get me anywhere. There is no way he would answer. And I dont want to add THAT specific kind of pain on top of what I already have. I feel like I'm not making sense. I feel like I'm not explaining it. I feel like I'm crazy and I hate it. I HATE IT!
Nov 12 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
empath
empath's picture

smnp

Respectfully, I disagree with you...he is NOT different with OW, and is just as abusive to her if not more so, because it sounds as though he's got her thoroughly broken in to be the perfect fallback girl. Remember, everything with Ns is an illusion, a head game...they operate on the convenience principle and it is unfortunate to hear that there is some poor soul OW that has not seen the light in 20 years...be grateful you saw it and got out, before you lose that many years with a lying cheating abusive disordered going nowhere man.
Nov 12 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
Anari
Anari's picture

I think that too! Maybe he

I think that too! Maybe he was just not that into me and maybe I've blown this whole thing outta proportion. But then I cross reference with the traits of npd and I see that Im not crazy. But but but even if he isn't... The point is he's toxic to be with ... Stick to nc and listen to the wisdom of the great women on here.
Nov 12 - 9PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It wil get better better better

I promise. Take a deep breath and continue to stay NC. You will have your good moments and the not so good. But you are already in a better place than you were before you realized what you were dealing with. You are on the road out. Trust me when I say you have gained control of your life back. Try really hard to stay NC, and yes, come here if you need support xxx, Ruby
Nov 12 - 9PM
bumblebee
bumblebee's picture

Tonight

smnp - wow...you just posted almost exactly what I just wrote in my journal this evening- haha. Day 12! That's fantastic! I'm only on day 7, but it's the longest I've made it so far and tonight it hurts. And it's weird because to me, it's clear that it's not about HIM so much as missing the guy I thought he was. I miss the image and for me, the hurt really is just a sadness - a really big sadness tonight. Thanks for posting this - while I'm not happy that you feel this way tonight, it's nice to be in good company :) Glad you are here.
Nov 12 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
alicat
alicat's picture

I have joined your company

I have joined your company tonight too! The pain was deep today! I cried a lot! Its hard when I'm alone cause all the crap keeps popping into my head! I just wish it would all go away! We need to stay strong and hang in there!
Nov 12 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
bumblebee
bumblebee's picture

Thanks Alicat

Thanks Alicat - I am so thankful for you and everyone on this forum to help get us through this experience!
Nov 12 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
enough for me
enough for me's picture

wow its like you are all in

wow its like you are all in my head. I have the same feelings all the time, maybe he isnt a narc, maybe he is just selfish and needs councelling . Maybe its just the booze ,maybe maybe maybe....but does a normal person do the things he did??? I dont think they could and then carry on like nothing happened. I am sad tonight too. I am usually sad, i wish anger would set in I think that would be easier.
Nov 13 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

You will feel angry too. It's

You will feel angry too. It's all part of the healing and the loss. It will come in waves and sometimes you will go back to sadness. Indifference is what we need. The 'I don't care and will not think about him anymore phase'...I'm not there yet but believe me, I crave the day, I no longer ruminate about the woulda, shoulda, couldas... NC is the key to getting there. Otherwise, you will suffer more abuse and the healing will take that much longer. Wish healing to all on here!

narcissizednomore