Sleeping with the enemy

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#1 Nov 5 - 2PM

Scoop

Sleeping with the enemy

This is a question that has been bugging me .We talk about how the narc can put on an act we all know that much . My question is when we use to sleep in the same bed all through the night he would hold me and if i wanted to sleep in a diffrent position in his sleep he would cuddle up to me , he even reached for my hand in his sleep if i wasnt near enough . He was asleep so how could he have been acting ? This never stopped even right up to the end and even when we where "just friends" he would insist on sleeping cuddled in the same bed .Whats that all about ?
Scoop x

#2 Nov 29 - 4PM

mmacali (not verified)

I can see why you may be confused

MTV Perhaps it's what he knows you want, therefore, he makes sure he provides that as his tool? I know my N is not like that at all! Sure, in the beginning, oh those were the salad days! Over a period of 3 years he has inched farther and farther away, sleeping on the floor claiming his "back hurts", then out to the living room saying he "couldn't sleep and didn't want to disturb me", to full blown own separate bedroom, with elaborate locks (LOCKS, not one). He watches a tiny 17" TV (we have a 52" in the living room and a 37" in what was once our bedroom) and there is no bed. When guests come over, I can only imagine what goes through their head "oh, this poor guy, he must be horribly abused by her! she is a witch with her Cal King bed and huge bedroom! He even has to put a lock on the door to keep her from harming him!" Yeah, true N. You're guy also may have other issues like another poster said, a warm body. I often think that my N was abused in some way because he needs to be "wrapped" literally, in a blanket at all times and puts pillows all around him while sleeping, like a fort.

#3 Jul 6 - 7PM (Reply to #29)

Scooters Mom

Creepy...

Mine was a cuddler when we first met, in fact one night I turned over and cuddled my pillow to get comfortable and he was so angry that he turned the light on and confronted me! Then after about six years he quit coming to bed all together because I accidently left the phone on his side of the bed. Then that excuse wore off and he said that he just sleeps on the couch because he doesnt sleep well and doesnt want to disturb me, and I'm sure there were more that I just dont remember! Oh and strangely enough he also has a double locked room where he spends a lot of time. ??? What is that about???

#4 Nov 29 - 9AM

cynthia (not verified)

means nothing

the cuddling means NOTHING, only a soft warm body next to them it doesnt mean they love you, they cuddle just like that with the OTHER WOMAN as they do the GF, its all the same to them, I was the OW and he would always hold me, so go figure

#5 Jul 7 - 3AM (Reply to #27)

Steph

i agree, cynthia. it's just

i agree, cynthia. it's just a warm body. they rally only give affection...in order to GET affection. and it can be from whomever.

#6 Nov 29 - 10AM (Reply to #26)

Amazed

I was thinking exactly about that, the cuddling, the closeness

I experienced the same thing, when it is such a bonding and nuturing thing to cuddle, snug, how can they imitate love and intimacy? Why would they want to? These predators are needy, and have wires crossed in their mind, it is another tool for them to maniupulate you with. Hard to believe it meant nothing, especially when they tell you things like building and sharing a life with you is what I want, hope you want the same" and talk of getting a joint checking account to shelter money from his ex N so she wouldn't take it for his child care so "we could have more,,, for us,,to build our future" (thank God I never did that!) And to find out he was living with another woman? Gave her a ring that would be "replaced by another". Geez,,,, They delight in pulling one over on you, that will never happen again!!!

#7 Nov 29 - 9AM

grossot

scoop

his needs were being met! Don't think for a second he was providing you some kind of favor. http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#8 Nov 6 - 4PM

baddream

Creepy Pathological Cuddlers

I was thinking about this one particular trait that our N's all seem to share. It is truly horrifying to realize that we were innocently asleep next to these monsters, feeling love and warmth for empty shells. It is like they were holding on to us and feeding off our love and comfort like aliens or leeches. I can't imagine ever being able to go to sleep next to ex-N again----it would be too unsettling, repulsive and very scary. I must be healing

#9 Nov 6 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

destiny (not verified)

I could never sleep next to

I could never sleep next to mine again either. I had a problem with it when we got back together before. Then there were the nights I would find him awake looking at me(he rarely can sleep) sometimes he would wake me in a panic about his dreams. he would dream he was being burried alive and such. I do remember I did not feel that connection the first time we cuddled at nite. It wasnt until he made it such a big deal...and said it was the best thing he ever felt in his life..sleeping next to me. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#10 Nov 6 - 4PM

baddream

Creepy Pathological Cuddlers

#11 Nov 6 - 4PM (Reply to #20)

cynthia (not verified)

eww

It is truly horrifying to realize that we were innocently asleep next to these monsters, feeling love and warmth for empty shells Truly indeed, as we laid next to them feeling warm and cozy, ewww we were sleeping next to a viper, they felt our warmth and love but they were never truly giving us anything. I remember him telling me, you tossed and turned alot when you were sleeping, geez I wonder why must have felt unsettling even in my sleep laying next to you. I also remember calling him from a bar I had stopped in to visit a friend who worked there and he said did you find anyone for us and I said No, he then said well just come back to my house and get a good nights sleep for your drive home tomorrow, when I got to his place I tried cuddling with him and he said, you just need to go to sleep, I am tired too maybe I can f---k you after some sleep, gee thanks

#12 Nov 29 - 4PM (Reply to #21)

Barbara (not verified)

cuddling a snake

in his "hooker reviews" Psycho-Boy talks about cuddling the escorts he'd bang on his lunch hours. http://www.datingpsychos.com/view_psycho.html?psycho_id=44 (Warning! Adult Material!...) that's all you are to them - a warm body. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

#13 Nov 6 - 8AM

cynthia (not verified)

Keep in mind they are

Keep in mind they are cuddling and snuggling with all those they have affairs with, even probably the hookers, they probably stroke their bodies too when they are finished, so it didnt make us special. Normal people usually associate cudding and snuggling after sex with someone that cares about you, and has tender feelings for you, I wont hold on too long to this illusion but regard it as part of their odd behavior, I bet if I had a threesome with him he would lay in the middle of the bed and let all of us cuddle and stroke him when it was over and he would love it if all of us feel asleep in his arms or stomach, something to think about. That way he could feel one womans breasts against him, another womans butt against him, and even Mikes soft balls against him, ick I know but just naked bodies that have a pulse that is all that it is

#14 Nov 6 - 8AM

cynthia (not verified)

cuddler

Mine cuddled too, had to make sure his body was at least touching mine when we slept, he would reach over pat my butt and loved it when I cuddled against him, he never never pushed me away when I snuggled against him, he didnt care how one time I feel asleep with my head on his stomach for hours we didnt move, I felt loved at those moments, almost as if this was the only was this person could show love and tenderness, I think about that alot too, It wasnt faked he would say, I feel you against me and it feels nice, I also think it was more they dont like to be alone, their sex is so primitive and unfeeling and uncaring yet I found it odd for someone who just used me as a whore he liked to cuddle, honestly I think anyone could have crawled in bed with him and he would let them snuggled next to him. I know the snuggling wasnt love, I will say for a pervert he was very affectionate, most men out for just sex turn over and seep. I asked him one time do you care that I sleep close to you and he said, NO NOT AT ALL, you can do anything you want I like that. He loved it when I caressed him. Sometimes I would wake up and find myself curled up in his arms and I would think, what the hell are you doing, guess it was just a natural reaction for me to hold someone close that I had just been intimate with, nobody ever snuggled with me like him, he always loved my body, never never made any comments that my butt was flabby or anything of that nature, sometimes when I slept on my stomach he would put his hand under my stomach and say how much he loved my pouch and he would leave his hand there for hours. I think they just love a naked body next to them to touch and feel, I always had to sleep naked, couldnt even put a t shirt on. Those were some of the best moments that tear me up, then they are all wiped away when he would call and say I really want you to f--- some other guy with me sometime. YUCK

#15 Nov 6 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

tasha

cynthia

That's a good point, having that primal sex and then having the cuddles-Intimacy is misplaced. There is someting quite not right about that. He would sleep naked always. I like wearing PJs he would tell me to take them off. Yes it was a souce of pain for me too, that the most intimate of moments during our time meant nothing. Thats what hurts.

#16 Nov 6 - 5AM

tasha

yep yep

Same here. It was like a need rather than an act of affection.And he always wanted me to sleep naked-physical contact I don't think it was always of a sexual nature. Yes you are right Barbara-like an infant needing to be near it's mother.He would always ask me if I was staying the night-before I got there, like securing his fix for the night and I think when I did'nt go-he got it elsewhere. I don't think it was always for the sex, I think part of it was the fear of being alone.

#17 Nov 6 - 6AM (Reply to #14)

Scoop

All this is very intresting

All this is very intresting to me as again the storys are the same . I couldnt work out why he was so affectionate in bed (not sex although there was an element to it ).I couldnt compute that he would snuggle up right in to me and stroke my hair or arm or back but all the time he didnt love me , It just didnt make sense .We could have fought like cat and dog but by the time we came to bed he would cuddle up , and in the morning it was like nothing had happend . A year of this mixed messages it is no wonder im such a mess . He too would always want me to stay the night even when we where just friends , i use to ask him why he was cuddleing me all night if we where just friends and he use to say " friends cuddle it doesnt have to mean something " he said that one evening whilst his friend was asleep on the sofa ( a big rugby player of a man with a beared and body odor) i asked him why he didnt cuddle his other friend all night if that is what friends do , he had no answer . HA . Its all so confusing , i dont think i will ever get my head round it all . Scoop x

#18 Nov 6 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

destiny (not verified)

same here scoop

We could have faught that day, but when we were cuddling in bed everything was gone...all hurt gone. He often would say when we had physical contact we never faught...and it was true. Our 'relationship' was long distance...so all the fighting was phone, text or email wars. When we were physically together we rarely faught especially this 2nd time around. That is why he would jump in his car and drive here 2hrs when we were fighting...because as soon as I opened the door and saw him all the fighting stopped. of course when I went to see him the one and only time during a fight he was cold as ice...but still hugged me and held me a few times. He also used to say how much fun we had in person and how he loved to hang out with me and felt so comfortable. I do think he could be more of himself with me and not have to wear the mask as much. I wonder though now and in the past after D&D how he only has online relationships....he doesnt have that closeness. I wonder how he goes to bed alone each nite......i guess that is when he turns to the phone sex. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#19 Nov 5 - 11PM

destiny (not verified)

Mine was the same

Mine was the same way...loved to cuddle and 'fix the pillow' for me so I could snuggle on in with him holding me. this time around oddly i dont miss the physical part of it..im not sure why. because the last D&D it was him cuddling me that i missed but then again he would call me daily and tell me he missed fixing the pillow and pretended his pillow was me. Im sure on some primitive level he still misses this. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#20 Nov 5 - 8PM

Barbara (not verified)

sleep

that is a BASIC PRIMITIVE and even infantile response involving their: - reluctance to be alone - needing contact (a "supply source") to validate themselves nothing more. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#21 Nov 6 - 6AM (Reply to #10)

4joys4

Right Barbara! And this goes

Right Barbara! And this goes away over time as well. Mine was always all over me in the beginning (first few years) but as I fought his game, he slowly stopped this behavior.

#22 Nov 6 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

Barbara (not verified)

exactly 4joys4

the more you call them on their b.s. and the less you put up with even THIS goes away at the end with exNH? I would wake up CLUTCHING THE SIDE OF THE BED where he had SHOVED me in the night. He tried to tell me it was me. Oddly, now that I sleep alone... I NO LONGER HAVE THIS PROBLEM. LOL!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#23 Nov 5 - 8PM

Barbara (not verified)

sleep

delete

#24 Nov 5 - 4PM

time_to_move_on

yeah..

same thing. I always had to cuddle him though. He'd grab my arm and put it over him. But when I lived with him his affection drove me mad, he'd follow me around the house. Was awful. And he'd go completely over-board if we were in company, wouldn't let my hand go... drove me mad. I think some of them are very insecure, it may be nice at times but then I remind myself of everything else and it's horrific that they be so affectionate then be monsters.

#25 Nov 5 - 4PM

Beachcolors

I understand

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have been thinking of this very thing this week. Mine was the same way. He is the only man that I have ever cuddle with. He was very affectionate when we slept. If we were not side by side he would hold my hand over his chest. He would reach across the bed for me when he woke up. It's one of the hardest parts of him to leg go.

#26 Nov 5 - 2PM

whatever2009

jerks

Mine did the same thing, they are really needy people. They always want to feel WANTED. So maybe that has something to do with it. They hate to be ignored. I use to sneak out and go on to the couch on occasion. If he woke up and I wasnt there he would come to the couch and try and cuddle.

#27 Nov 5 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

baddream

Mine too

We had very different slumber times. He would like to retire at 8pm, and I wasn't ready until midnight. I would have to get in the bed so he could cuddle me until he fell asleep. Sometimes he would feel me move and get up after he was asleep and did not like it. Same thing in the morning. Didn't want me up until he was ready too. He would sleep wrapped around me like that every night, even after things (during the day) were not going well It's just more of their neediness. I think they are probably afraid to go to sleep and be alone with themselves because without us holding on to them they would just vanish----nothing there but their empty selves. I think they have a lot of nightmares when left to their own thoughts

#28 Nov 6 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

Ellen

I don't know what to make of it

Hi all, This is interesting, i really don't know what to make of it or do with it all though. To think that it was all based on primitive neediness. I wondered why i would never get any real attention, like stroking or kissing. There was so much missing, i suppose he was absent really there wasn't a connection. Why before he left did i end up telling him that he was dead and that he had always been that way. This must have been to close to home for him. I can see why he had to leave now, i was really exposing him without being aware of it. He would always just go off to sleep. The one thing i never understood was how he could put his arm around me in bed but it was just placed there and that was it. Nothing more just left in that position, no movement and i mean in an endearing caring way not sexual even. I just felt like it was odd cos i could never be that way. I suppose now i have discovered how this is possible.....in a narcs world.

#29 Nov 6 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

cynthia (not verified)

There was so much missing

mine never caressed me either, his arm would be around me but just there no movement, dead, whatever way I wanted to cuddle is how he left it, one time he turned towards me and held my wrist, my fricking wrist for gods sake in his hand, it was almost like all he wanted was FOR ME TO snuggle to him so he could just feel my warm body against him I always had to lead and he would follow, many times though if I got up to go to the bathroom and laid back down he would say come on over here lets just hold and go to sleep for a bit. I woke up one time my cheek almost near his arm pit and I was drooling on him, geez I dont think he ever discovered it I quickly patted him to wipe it off. I loved his stomach and would always stroke it he would say that feels nice dont stop. Those were about it for the tender moments, funny I felt more loved (even thought it wasnt) when we held each other than during any of the sex, I would cry lightly when he held me he never even knew, I wanted him to love me so much it made me cry, not a healthy partner to be with one that just causes you emotional pain and he never had a clue or will never never be able to relate to the pain he caused me, so why bother telling them.

#30 Nov 6 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

quietude (not verified)

ellen

I know what you mean, there was always this nagging feeling that I had that I was "mismatched" physically with my N. It bothered me, but of course at the time I thought like I did with ever other issue...if I worked hard enough, I could overcome these obsticles. Mine didn't initiate much cuddling, he only snuggled up next to me if he wanted you-know-whattie! Most times, if I woke up at night his back would be to me and he'd be all the way on the other side of the bed - I'm surprised he didn't fall off sometimes. And I have a king-size bed. It's almost like he was making a point that he wanted to get as far away from me as possible...it was weird.

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