The path..backward..wait.

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#1 Nov 9 - 7AM

greengirl91

The path..backward..wait.

Hy you guys.

I had doubts whether or not to start making this post, I wanted to post it in the Path Forward section, but the things I want to share and ask you about, didn`t actually carrie me "forward" but "backward", and I wan to tell you why.

I`ve read an article from sone certain Psychologist guy, a trainer, who bugged me in the last two days. I wish I could show it to you firsthand, but it is in my native language romanian.

First of all, the tone of the article was suppossed to be a "wake up call" for people to do something with their lives, and quit lying to themselfs everyday. He said the lack of ANYTHING, love, money, and both the abundance, IS OUR OWN FAULT.

He said that the way we manage our thoughts and everything, we are the result of our own thinking and choics, therefore, it is OUR FAULT, if we don`t have love in our lives, if we lie to ourselfs that "tommorow" "I`m gonna do this and that"

"Tommorrow, I`m gonna go to gym, Tomorrow, I`m gonna go to school, because today I was too tired, Tomorrow, I will start jogging, because today I was too exhausted and so on."

He said we keep lying to ourselfs and look for excuses, not to take responsibility. And that it is easier for us to put the blame on our partner, than change something about ourselfs.

Wait, there`s more. This guy said that LOVE is made by two major components, sexual attraction and pure love. He said that only when we manage and control the two very aspects, only then we can have a healthy and non-controlling relationship with our partner.

He said that our vocation is probably the most important thing in our lives, that influences all the other chapters. And that, if we wish to built our "base" of personality, we need to start with practicing and sports, working out, because it gives us more confidence in ourselfs, and everything starts from there.

Then the article, gets some sort of rude tone, when he actually puts the reader to a wall, and calls his "lazy lying thing" who does this all day, lying to himself.

The pat that made me question everything I believed in, including Narcisism, was this "IT IS YOUR FAULT, the fact that you don`t have love in your life right now". I agree that I found myself in the patterns of liying to myself, but really now?

I stood and think, and it messed up my head for two days, and actuallt started to believe that maybe it is my fault, and so on. Usually I don`t take things too much to heart, but this article really bugged me for some time, and still does!..

I was thinking back, right after I was D&Ded, the last thing I would have wanted then to hear, were this guys advice to "just get over it". I needed then people like you, people who supported me and mended my wings with kind words, to get out of that numbness and state of shock..when I kept going back to him.

Jesus, I hate sometimes these trainers and their methods, or ideas that they know everything.

I am curious what do you think of all of this? It messed me up, and even checked my Joker again, but luckily for me, he had nothing new. Or not luckily, because last night I had this strange feeling that I am the failure that I blew everything up and lost him forever :(

It all started with that damn article, that`s why I didn`t even want to post these thoughts in the Path Forward forum, because I didn`t wish to confuse more of you. But would really appreciate to tell me your opinion about this.

Thank you for listening.

#2 Nov 9 - 11AM

Hermes

Yes to Tigerlily

I agree with what you say, Tigerlily. And it is vitally important to put ourselves first, to love ourselves. That is the way to future healthy relationships. Indeed, for those who may have had a dysfunctional family of origin, and a bad childhood, the matter is even more acute. Certainly, and getting back to the article mentioned by Greengirl first, it is not this PT's business nor is it within the remit of a PT to force or encourage people to do things which are alien to them. Hermes

#3 Nov 9 - 9AM

Tigerlily

Hi GreenGirl!

I think if something bugs us the way that article bugged you, then it`s a sure sign that that`s where we need to dig! I`d guess it bugged you for two reasons: (a) you really DO have unfinished work to do regarding the degree to which you own responsibility for your own life situation as an ADULT, and (b) some unresolved CHILDHOOD issues along the lines of "everything`s my fault" or "if only I`d been different, things would have turned out OK" or "I`m to blame when people mishandle me". So I think, since you can`t do anything about having read the article (ie. you can`t turn the clock back and "un-read" it) and you can`t do anything about feeling "bugged" (and who would want to anyway), you can only take your present state for what it is - a blessing in disguise - and get to work. Tell your child - your little girl - that everything is NOT her fault, that she did not have the power to influence the way things turned out and most assuredly was not to blame when people mishandled her (and if this was one of the levers your narc. used to manipulate you, make quite sure that you get clear enough on this that no-one can ever manipulate you on that score ever again). At the same time, be very aware that you as an adult are responsible for the choices you make and for the red flags you choose to ignore, and that your adult needs to raise the bar MUCH higher and set much healthier, sounder boundaries in order to PROTECT your little girl. And as an adult, of course, you CAN do that. I don`t think you`re going backwards at all, GG - I think you`ve just reached a tangle in the ball of wool. Lucky you - you get to untangle it and lead a healthier, happier life! Love Tigerlily

#4 Nov 9 - 10AM (Reply to #19)

greengirl91

Tigerlily, thank youu, you`re

Tigerlily, thank youu, you`re so sweet! I try to do these things, and yes, the adult in me HAS, for that little girl lost safety, to protect and work on myself every day. It`s true, there were many triggers in that article, that probably set fire to my wounds. I`d rather take what was good from it (advice reffering to personal work to improve yourself ) and leave the rest NC! I agree with the stuff they say about getting out of your comfort zone, to find out who you truly are. This yes, it true and right! BUT, this liberation process of oneself, should not be made as cruely as they state it to be. I agree that you have to put yourself FIRST, especially when it`s all new to me and have never truly been on my own, but not to the point of becoming insensitive to other`s people needs..because that is what our Jokers do, isn`t it? I believe each of us should find his/her own peace and balance, between being a doormat or a Narc. Because none of these behaviours is truly healthy for one`s sanity. Peace and blessings to you, and thank you for sharing!

#5 Nov 9 - 10AM (Reply to #18)

GeorgiaGirl

Here, Here

I think Tigerlily hit this one right on the head!

#6 Nov 9 - 9AM

Sparrow

Greengirl.........this guy is

Greengirl.........this guy is an idiot. A moron and a bully. Remember, just because he went to school and has a certificate, does not mean he is right. Even doctors have been known to be wrong, thats why people seek second opinions. When ever you read rubbish such as this, throw it in the trash, where it belongs. This guy has no business practicing in the field he is practicing in. The only occupation he is fit to work at is as a prison warden in my opinion. Greengirl, you know in you gut that what he is saying is untrue. NEVER doubt yourself, NEVER doubt your gut feelings. You have come too far in your healing to allow this maniac to make any impressions on you. If you ask me, he is a psychopath.

#7 Nov 9 - 10AM (Reply to #16)

greengirl91

Sparrow, I started laughing

Sparrow, I started laughing after reading the first lines! Because I believe this to be true as well. I found out about him from a woman Trainer in Psychology, who I used to read articles from and books..they don`t have all bad advice, regarding personal growing and development, that our own destiny lies in our personal power and so on. But they tend to be much judgemental and even narcisistic many times, presenting this idea a bit exagerrated in my opinion, to become the very best version of you. TRUE, I want to become the very best version of me, BUT not by hurting others, playing with their hearts and minds, to my very own fun! She is a strong woman, but in my opinion, she has been hurt a lot and brainwashed, and as strong as she wishes to look, as cold, afraid and closed off she appears to me sometimes. I`m not any close to perfect, to judge those people, but they seem to judge everyone else, funny isn`t it? If you wish, I can pm you and show you her fb profile and picture, not that it would matter much. I found it insensitive to blame and judge all people after the same rule, that`s it. Thank you for your support! I want to be strong, to get out of my comfort zone and face my fears, live my life to the fullest..but I don`t want to become a Narcisist, someone who does all these things with not a concern about anyone else`s feelings, you know =)

#8 Nov 9 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

Winter

Lol Sparrow

Agree with you 100%. We don't need him to answer the questionnary, do we?

#9 Nov 9 - 8AM

Hermes

Hunter has a point

Greengirl, hello: I think Hunter has a point there. It is good to take responsibility for our lives. That does NOT NOT mean blaming ourselves or indulging in self-flagellation. By no means! I also don't think one can "just get over it". Not at all. But there are helpful things we can do on the road to recovery, and most certainly regular exercise is invaluable, not to say vital. I know it was a life-saver for me, and at the time I was very shaken up and weakened. And yes, exercise (gym, dance, martial arts, whatever is your choice) does give self-confidence plus the other benefits of lifting the mood, health and so forth. IMO some people like the writer of the article, may not be too good at exprssing an idea, and it comes across wrongly. All the best Hermes

#10 Nov 9 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

greengirl91

Hy, Hermes thank you very

Hy, Hermes thank you very much for sharing! I agree totally, in fact that is just what I am trying to do, build my like anew, start exercising, take back studies, and simply take everything good each day one at a time. What bothered me about that article and author in general, is that they tend to make "everything" that ever happened to you, good or bad, to be your fault, and I believe it`s very wrong. And it made me feel bad about myself, about "feeling bad" if I can put it right. As if somehow, it was still my responsibility because let`s say, the Joker, Devalued and Discarded me. Because I wasn`t good enough, I controlled him, you know what I mean? Like throwing the blame on the lamb after being eaten by the wolf, for being eaten! I am trying to evolve and do all those things, but in the same time, I try to stay away from toxic people, and people who remind me of the Joker. Thanks for your opinion!

#11 Nov 9 - 8AM

Winter

Fault versus mistake

Primo, I don’t like the theories which pretend to give THE one explanation for everything in life. The low of life is complicate and very complex; reality is in the permanent change. Have you ever looked in the kaleidoscope? You move it just a little bit and the whole picture changes. Secondo, this theory could apply to certain situations, but would be wrong for other. Example: you were fooled by someone who you thought you can trust and lent him some money. The person then disappeared and you never saw your money back. Was it your fault? Definitely not. Was it your mistake to trust someone you do not know quite well? Probably yes. Is it that dramatic? Again, no. You have gained experience and next time you will be more cautious. Tertio, as you know, there are situations which involve only us and other which involve other people. This article gives an example of the will power for make yourself to work out. Perfect, I cannot agree more. Indeed, your good shape is almost exclusively related to your physical effort as well as to your healthy eating habits . It does not involve any other human being and the outcome does not depend on anyone else but you. In the human relationship, there is a big part which depends on you, but there is another BIG part which is absolutely out of your control and will power. To go further, you could probably to do “more” to keep him in your life (like giving to him when he came to your place), but at what cost??? What I am trying to say here is that getting the outcome you would want to get in this relationship is definitely not under your control. Just because it involve another human being and you were not aligned. I can’t stop but giving you more example to show you the absurd of this author statement. What about people born in the underdeveloped country. Is it their fault if they are struggling with hunger and cannot feed their kids? Like the refugees in Somalia? No, I strongly disagree with the theory that everything which happens to us is our own fault.

#12 Nov 9 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

greengirl91

Winter, thank you for

Winter, thank you for sharing, that is exactly the same type of examples and opinions that I added, in a comment to that article, and I wasn` the only one. But people who drawned the attention about these type of statements were picked upon as "too sensitive" (!!!) As if "if you don`t agree with me, you`re against me." I agree with the same things you said, and I have given as examples, children who live with abusive parents (NPD, as we call it, and other disorders). When the child is too small to understand, and is beaten or abused, or called daily a "handycaped", no matter if he does something good, or not, is called names regardless of his behaviour, at what amount, does he have control over that relationship? How can that be "his fault"?.. And there are many other questions, but those people sell this idea of "American Dream". And I agree with the part of personal development, and evolving in the same type, and allow your partner to evolve with you..But to take it from here, and call your readers "lazy arse*oles" and expect them to think like you, and discard them if they don`t, isn`t some sort of small thinking? From what I noticed..these trainers, think very "mentally", are focused only on the material side and mental side, and ego. And less, and less on the soul..and the heart. If we would all live like this, just self absorbed and self centered only on our own hungers, disires, what is the point of living on the same planet? Why did God made us to live together on here, from where would children appear, if they would all "screw" whomever and whenever.. I believe they tend to become true Narcisists, reffering to some of your posts before, about Narcisism expanded in the media, society. Thank you for your answer, and I totally agree with what you said!

#13 Nov 9 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

Winter

Thanks to you to Greengirl :)... and

I think it is giving them too much credit when you say that they “think very mentally, are focused only on the material side and mental side”. If at least they were thinking mentally, very materialistically, they would not write such a nonsence! They are rather shallow and not very scientific. What is “too sensitive” about children’s brain changes when they are abused by their parents? It is well known that, paranoia, schizophrenia, neurosis, insomnia and depression has very materialistic origine. Like hormonal unbalance for instance due to a genetic or to an environmental factor. Honey, go NC on them...lol. They are just plain stupid. Oh the other hand, not being American myself (which you could probably guess with my English....lol), I do adhere in the idea of the “American dream”. But not in a such a primitive and shallow way as they describe. “American dream” is about encouraging people not to give up and keep fighting with circumstances and adversities. It is a very deep philosophy. And the achievements are not only external like power and money, they are mostly internal. I love this Japanese saying: “True Victory is Victory Over Oneself”

#14 Nov 9 - 7AM

freaked

Greengirl, thanks:)

Greengirl, thanks for sharing this post. Before I found this Forum, i also have been labelled 'psychotic, suspicious, argumentative....' ..ONLY now since the past few weeks it has sunk into my head...that there was never anything wrong with my head.. "and it messed up my head for two days, and actuallt started to believe that maybe it is my fault, and so on. " nowadays I just don't talk to anyone around in my real life about my life...nobody understands..worse..they snipe at me and make me out to be a lunatic. your post strengthened my spirits dear friend. love freaked

#15 Nov 9 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

greengirl91

Exactly Freaked! It`s like,

Exactly Freaked! It`s like, is there something wrong with MY thinking, or THEIR thinking?

#16 Nov 9 - 7AM

Used

greengirl91

WHO GIVES A FLYING FIG WHAT *THIS TRAINER* HAS TO SAY..... Just b/c she has said it, it doesnt make it true, why are you even questioning yourself, when every question and answer you will ever get from this board...WILL BE WITHOUT AN AGENDA.....Let her stick to what she knows best...SWEET FUCK ALL...

#17 Nov 9 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

greengirl91

Yes, I believe this is true

Yes, I believe this is true Used. Where would I be if you people wouldn`t have supported me, when I came here numbed, in pain, and a complete mess.. These trainers, or whatever they are, have some twisted Narcisistic points of view too..like, they encourage women to be with as many men as possible, and blame very much all of this behaviour, on women and how "controlling" they are with their "poor" partners. I`d say, she would make an excellent case for this forum! From what I have noticed, she is in a relationship with a guy who lives "only in the moment", allows her to be "with other men" and encourages that. Oh, I think we know what their names are, it starts with an N! But whatever, you`re right, let them believe what they wish to believe, and we move on peacefully with our lives.

#18 Nov 9 - 7AM

Hunter

I think I'm missing you're

I think I'm missing you're point?? What's wrong with taking responsibility for our actions.. All of us involved with these Narcs have hidden issues that should and need to be worked on.. There were red flags waving In the wind..we chose to ignore all of it.. We say love ourselves first.. This is key.. As our narc relationships developed we did lie to ourselves, we got lost in a fantasy .. Why because they took over .. We allowed this and didn't set boundaries .. So that said .. I personally own this mistake .. I will Move forward and yes will always put myself first! Hunter

#19 Nov 9 - 7AM (Reply to #2)

greengirl91

Hunter, that whole article

Hunter, that whole article and opinions of that guy, made me feel guilty for feling bad, something like that. It made me feel like I have issues to look upon, rather to take the rock and throw it in him, and calling him a "Narcisist" - something like that, and it messed me up, ugh. But then again, would I still be here and breathing, if I listened to this guys "Just get over it", or your kind words and support step by step? Oh, and this guy has some Narcisistic views about women too, he and another trainer, encourage women to be with as many men as possible, because in that way, you get to have your own "freedom" and you don`t "control" your partner! Maybe she has been in relationships with too many Narcisists, and doesn`t even know that?..Who knows.

#20 Nov 9 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

Greengirl

This is a great thread!! Somethings just cause triggers.. He wrote it for himself, to be published.. It's like a bad TV show.. Change the channel if you don't like the episode ..:) Hunter

#21 Nov 9 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

greengirl91

Yes, Hunter, that`s right!

Yes, Hunter, that`s right! I`m glad you find it useful, as much as your opinions are valuable to me. I take what is good from their articles, the parts about working to improve yourself, but that`s it. The rest goes NC! :)

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