I Have a Theory About Why They Hate NC So Much...

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#1 Nov 8 - 6PM

Anonymous (not verified)

I Have a Theory About Why They Hate NC So Much...

Have you ever been kinda aggravated, be it at work or among mutual friends...and people get quiet while you're ranting and raving? While in the moment and especially after you calm down, you're embarrassed by your behavior...because everyone was quiet...except for you. And you feel like their silence was actually their non-verbal disapproval/judgment of your behavior....

While I totally believe that narcs contact us to feed their own ego, I do also believe the deeper motive that lies beneath it all is that they know they fucked up, they know they are disordered, they know they are wrong...and they really want your approval. This is in no way to say "hey, get back in touch with him"...heck no! Stay NC no matter what....it was just a thought that occurred to me today.

#2 Nov 9 - 12PM

spinning

Frankly, I don't give the disordered

freak boy I was with that much credit. He doesn't think about whether or not I approve of him or why I'm no contact. He doesn't think about any of it at all because he isn't wired like I am. He's disordered. Disordered ones expend their energy in search of supply. After the devalue and discard, they do not ruminate on past "bad supply" or supply that found them out. They focus all their energy on crafting a new mirror personna for the next juicy supply source (or two or three or five). After a year and a couple of days of No Contact, I couldn't care two hoots about what MY NO CONTACT means or does not mean to him. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME NOW. I'm not going to give him an inch of that one, or think I'm doing anything that has anything to do with him. IT DOESN'T. I am no contact BECAUSE IT'S MY CHOICE AND IT'S FOR ME! What no contact has done for me is I am no longer confused. Without confusion, I see him and his pitiful, sorry disordered self for exactly what he is and it does not interest me. I am averted by confusion. I reject it, therefore I reject him and anything to do with him. Today, when someone behaves in a way that is even remotely confusing, I want no part of it. This is what the clarity of no contact brings. The disordered ones don't think about our NC until they need supply. And they think so little of our No Contact that the hoover us to get that supply. That's how they view our No Contact...it has nothing to do with them seeking our approval and everything to do with how little they think of us (which is only in terms of supply). No Contact is the coat of armor that BLOCKS MORE CONFUSION. It is the only tool that allows us to step out of the fog of confusion and SEE THINGS FOR WHAT THEY REALLY ARE...THAT IT'S NO FUN TO BE WITH A PERSON WHO CONFUSES US! No Contact isn't about the narc, it's about stepping away from the toxic sludge of confusion and being able to think straight and then note that there's nothing alluring, enticing, good, fun, exciting, etc. about being with a manipulating, using ASSHOLE! I know that doesn't sound very pyschological, but that's how it is in my book. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I'M NO CONTACT FOR ME!

spinning

#3 Nov 9 - 12PM (Reply to #38)

Deidre40

@ spinning

Holy cow…this has been a total light bulb moment for me spinning. Thank you for this! I mean, I knew this on some level, but …when they hoover us, it has nothing to do with approval, or thinking of us, etc. I knew that too…BUT…WHAT YOU SAY HERE, IS ENLIGHTENING. Basically, if they do turn back up looking for us, IT’S ONLY TO USE THEIR ENERGY TO FIND NEW SUPPLY. WHETHER THAT’S US…OR NEW NEW SUPPLY. How fascinating! That’s so true, too. Thank you for putting this out there so plainly.

#4 Nov 9 - 12PM (Reply to #37)

Used

DEAREST SPINNING

NO CONFUSION WHATSOEVER ABOUT MY FRIEND SPINNING POSTS... YOU SAID IT ALL, AND YOU SAID IT WELL.....WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT THE NARC THINKS...NOT US, BECAUSE WE DONE IT, WE DONE NC COS WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK FOR THEM...ONLY FOR US...RIGHT SPINNING AND SCOOP....NO CONFUSION IN OUR HEADS TO MAKES US SPIN....LOVE YAXXX

#5 Nov 9 - 12PM

Scoop

A narc does not care whether

A narc does not care whether we approve of them , you are and object to them , they care the same about what you think about them as what the toaster thinks . Syren , i hate to say it but i think you are still not quite understanding the way a PD people are .. It does take a long time to "get it " and lots of reading too . Its so difficult to understand how someone with no feelings feels , its almost impossible to step out of the box and not think the narc acts and responds to things how we would . Big love Scoop xx

#6 Nov 9 - 12PM (Reply to #35)

Used

scoop

100% in agreement with you on this.... narcs do not care one iota, we wouldnt be on this board if they did care.....when you are history, you can go NC or go to timbucktoo....they couldnt give a shit....they hoovered when bored or no supply available.....NC is for us and our well beign...not to PUNISH THEM, BUT TO FINISH WITH THEM...

#7 Nov 9 - 11AM

Tigerlily

Great subject!

I think they assume we are just like them and go NC for the same reasons as they give us the silent treatment. So a narc who gives us the silent treatment is demonstrating: He has the power. He is punishing us. We are inferior beings unworthy of his attention or compassion. We are in the wrong and deserve to be "banished" until such time as he sees fit to "re-instate" us, if at all. Any attempt on our part to soften his heart is merely proof that we are worms, or worse. He alone decides when and if we are to be "forgiven", ie. reabsorbed into his chain of supply. He is completely in control, holds all the aces, calls all the shots, pulls the strings. From his perspective, when we go NC the tables are turned. Re-read the above list, exchanging "he" and "his" for "we" and "our", to find out why narcs. hate NC, imfao. Lol! Tigerlily

#8 Nov 9 - 7AM

Syren66 (not verified)

Lest we forget....for the

Lest we forget....for the average narc, how many women have gone NC on them? One? Two...maybe? We discuss NC here like it's common practice for all of their exes and they have this all figured out up to and including the elaborate scheme/motivation for dealing with that type of woman. I don't believe narcs ever see NC coming...at all. Because that occurrence is just that rare in their life...they NEVER have to deal with an ex going NC on them. That said, how is it possible for them to have a plan in place to deal with that? Sure, they have their script down for those who keep coming back...because the narc has had plenty of practice in perfecting the plot over the years...but someone (us :D) throws the monkey wrench into the mix and there is no way I believe they have any CLUE how to deal with it or even know why it's happened to them (the narc) It's one thing to know what your own motive is for being NC...but I read post after post here from people, trying like hell to figure out WHY the narc is NC...isn't it a reasonable assumption that the same is occurring in reverse when we do it to them? And since their tactics have been largely successful over time, keeping women on a yo-yo...to have one completely break team and go NC...well I would think that's utterly devastating to the narc. One doesn't need to be rational to have a reaction. Given their penchant for paranoia and need for control...it only makes sense that one of the first thoughts they have when an ex goes NC is that he is being harshly judged...coupled with their inherent low self-esteem...that made me wonder.

#9 Nov 9 - 3PM (Reply to #32)

Goldie

PD's are quite familar with NC

Many people have their radar up with PD's. They may not know that they are a PD, they just have a sense or a vibe that something is not quite right and want nothing to do with these people. So PD's are very familar with being shunned, rejected, and tossed aside. NO surprise there. They are not able to suck in all people. Many have no interest or desire to engage with a PD. Also many people do NOT tolerate abuse or dishonesty in their relationships, friendships, and business dealings with people. It happens one time and they are done. Many members have said on here that people who knew the PD prior to their relationship or their own family and friends, warned them about the PD. They would make comments like: I don't like this person. I don't think they are good to you. You can do better. Why are you putting up with this shit? Everyone did NOT go off with Ted Bundy or Charles Manson. They were NOT able to fool everyone. "You can fool some of the people some of the time but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time." President Abraham Lincoln PD's target those who will put up with their games and when you no longer are willing to put up with their abuse, they D&D you and tell you some more lie's so that you will take them back. This goes on until YOU have had enough and YOU do not want to play the game anymore. Most people do not understand PD's because they themselves are not a PD and it is difficult to wrap your brain around the fact that they do NOT care about you, and do NOT feel badly when they hurt you. They feel badly that they cannot no longer manipulate you and you are no longer good supply. That is the extent of it. Some of the moderators on here have been studying PD's for years and still learn something new as new research is made available. The notion that a member is going to come on here and get it in several weeks is unrealistic. My recommendation to the new members on steps 1-3 is to continue to read as much as you can and learn about PD's. Recovery after that point is an inside job. It is about what brought you to this relationship in the first place and what kept you in it far past your knowing that you were being treated badly. These are the questions which get more delved into in steps 4-6. Hope this helps. God bless, Goldie

#10 Nov 9 - 11AM (Reply to #31)

GeorgiaGirl

stbxN bitches constantly about NC

He HATES that I have gone NC and bitches to anyone that will listen that I refuse to communicate with him. LOL My therapist is in total agreement that NC is the way to go and it takes all of their power/control/manipulation away when you do so. I am living proof (even though I'm now LC due to our daughter's issues & court) that it makes me the "one who got away". None of his other wives (yes plural as well) or gf's have ever done this to him. He's just sitting and spinning (and not in a good way).

#11 Nov 9 - 8AM (Reply to #30)

Deidre40

Hey syren! Yeah, I agree with

Hey syren! Yeah, I agree with this completely. When I finally committed myself to NC, I remember the times he told me of some of his ‘crazy’ ex’s. Whether they were wives (yes plural) or gf’s. I remember him saying… ‘’this one or that one stalked me.’’ ‘’My ex wife would call my gf’s and rant at them.’’ ‘’I dated this one girl who stalked me on facebook and tried to warn new gf’s about me.’’ And on and on and on he went. Lol I thought…wow, this guy must be amazing! WRONG. LOL He most likely was lying, to be honest. But, then again …the latest gf, I had heard through the grapevine a few months back, well, she kept aaaallll the photos of him up on her fb page. (poor girl, has no idea what she’s dealing with, ugh) And if I were a betting woman, I’d say…she probably called and pleaded, and so forth to get him back. Of course, that jerk laughing his ass off the entire time, no doubt…in her face. So absolutely, you’re right. I think my silence for this long…has sent a huge message to him. Plus, I heard through a mutual friend, that he was irate that I hadn’t texted him back. (I changed my number, so didn’t even get his texts) I highly believe that most women and men do not go NC on their ex N’s. Until they become aware of this disorder, maybe then they do. But, it’s very ‘normal’ to want to try to patch things up. Have closure. Or even try to reconcile. And these men/women are all too eager to use that as supply. So, yes. Us going NC on them, they are not used to being ignored. NC helps us to heal. But, it also sends a message to them…you’re not on my mind anymore. OUCH, says the narc. ;)

#12 Nov 9 - 4AM

Gaia

xN psychopath

I believe my xN doesnt care at all if I am NC, he is on to create another life, and I do not exist in his mind. He is the cold blooded psychopatic type. Such a waste. I wish my NC hurt him.

#13 Nov 8 - 7PM

dulcinea441

Well, in my opinion, I think

Well, in my opinion, I think it's just that, over time, their sense of power begins to slip when we've been NC for a while. When they dumped us and gave us the silent treatment, they felt confident that they had the upper hand. But as time goes by and they no longer hear from us, they begin to realize that we've moved on -- i.e., that we no longer "belong" to them -- and they suddenly can't stand it.

#14 Nov 9 - 3AM (Reply to #26)

NarcJunkie

Yes, I'm really curious about that...

I almost want to fast forward my life sometimes to see if, indeed, a few months or years down the road the Narc will realize that I've moved on and be bothered by his loss of control over an ex source. But from what I read so far they only "care" about that if they still want your supply. If they know they can get nothing from you ever again, they will just discard and move on and never look back.

#15 Nov 9 - 8AM (Reply to #27)

Deidre40

I have lived to see it with

I have lived to see it with my ex N. LOL In a sense, it gave me closure. Closure that...they don't ever change. And I wasn't imagining his disorder.

#16 Nov 8 - 7PM

Winter

Interesting observation

So you think they are "embarrassed" by their own insignificance and, when you go NC on them, they take it as a confirmation that they are really empty? So empty, insignificant and not interesting that we even do not want to waste our time to explain it to them? Is that what you think it means to them? Interesting...very interesting.

#17 Nov 8 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

Syren66 (not verified)

Not necessarily embarrassed,

Not necessarily embarrassed, but definitely 'judged' and not in a positive manner...I keep reading about these narcs coming back years upon years later when there is no possible way the victim is in the same place emotionally, that she was when she was with him... I think every last one of these narcs feels an intense need to be vindicated for what they did. The silence is the worst punishment they can receive for their actions.

#18 Nov 8 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

Winter

Yes, apparently the silence

Yes, apparently the silence is the worst punishment for them. According to your theory, this is because the feel "judged". Then why do they feel worst when 'judged' silently versus judged loud? I find it very interesting from the psychological point of view.

#19 Nov 8 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

Syren66 (not verified)

Glad you asked that Winter!

Glad you asked that Winter! When you go off on someone...there is little room for doubt as to whether or not you're judging them...you are. And they take that information, twist as they are wont to do and vindicate themselves by and through your very words... When you're silent, they: A) Don't know whether or not it's because you're judging them B) Let their minds and imaginations run wild. They build it up and build it up and build it up... It's the not knowing that drives them nuts(er)...imagine what NC does to someone like the narc I was with, whose public image means everything to him...for him to feel like there is someone who is on to him, walking around among mutual friends....and will not speak to him. heh, heh, heh, heh..... When I cited the co-workers judging you with their silence, that is what you perceive them to be doing....they may just simply be fascinated by what you have to say or they are intimidated.

#20 Nov 8 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

Winter

You are absolutely right

You made me think tonight, love it! Indeed there is nothing worse than the unknown. I would add one more point with your permission: C) When they are "judged loud", we still show them that we consider them as "equal", that we believe they can understand. When they are "judged silently" we are sending them a message that we do not believe anymore in their ABILITY to get our point, so we are not wasting our time on them. Which is definetely a big ego shock.

#21 Nov 9 - 1AM (Reply to #17)

Anari

Even if they're silent on you

Even if they're silent on you first? Why would it bother them if u got dumped and re respectfully obeying by staying away?

#22 Nov 9 - 8AM (Reply to #23)

Deidre40

anari

Because it’s a game. They tell their ex’s to ‘stay away and leave them alone.’ (and I broke up with him…hello?) lol But, they really want you to chase them. They want to push you away, and then have their victims chase them. It’s a sick way of gaining acceptance, and validation….thus supply. They’re sick. I was fortunate to be able to hear through the grapevine just how much this guy I dated unraveled after I broke things off. I thought he had moved on with a new girl. But, he mucked that up, too. They don’t change. He will never ever change. He will continue on…finding new supply, getting them to obey, when they don’t…he’ll dump and move on again to the next victim. Or she’ll dump him. While it appears as though we are doing ‘as they ask,’ when they ask us to leave them be…truly? They want the opposite. When you go and stay NC for the long haul…NEVER TO TALK TO THEM AGAIN…OR TO FRIENDS ABOUT THEM? Trust me, I have heard about it…it drives them nuts. Now that that should be the focal point of NC, but I think it helps to know that there is something you can do to gain control back in your own life. NC takes control from them…and leaves them wondering what YOU’RE DOING for a change. Has she moved on? Is she with a new guy? Doesn’t she care about me? Is she mad? Yeah, I bet she’s mad still…wait, but why doesn’t she yell at me like she used to?

#23 Nov 9 - 11AM (Reply to #24)

Anari

Very Interesting... I didn't

Very Interesting... I didn't see this view. I just saw it as he wants nothing to do with you- and you comply both parties are happy.

#24 Nov 9 - 7AM (Reply to #22)

Syren66 (not verified)

If they're doing ST after a

If they're doing ST after a break up, it's meant to reel you back in...odds are, you were also the victim of ST in the relationship...it was all about controlling you. And he was the one pulling the strings. If you're NC with them, they lose control over you...and you are doing something to them they least expected...but more importantly, they don't know WHY you're doing it and it drives them more insane than they already are! :D

#25 Nov 9 - 6AM (Reply to #21)

Winter

Anari

Of course we cannot define one model which fits all the scenarios. I was referring more to the situation when they are trying to establish a contact after you split. But, coming back to your question, I don’t look at this as you are “obeying them” by staying silent. You are just respecting yourself enough not to engage in any contact with the person who dumped you. If there is a little “chance” to “bother” them, it is definitely not by contacting them and communicating how awful they are for everything they have done to you. If you stay silent, you are giving them a message that they are not powerful enough to destabilize you and that you are keeping control of yourself.

#26 Nov 9 - 1AM (Reply to #18)

dulcinea441

You ask that as though they

You ask that as though they are rational human beings. Everything is backwards world with them, that is the only thing you can be sure of. Whatever you expect a sensible human being would do in any situation, expect the opposite from them. They will literally abuse us, dump us, and give us the silent treatment, then come back and blame us for betraying them if they feel like it. It's all part of the gaslighting and manipulation they engage in to keep us off balance.

#27 Nov 9 - 1AM (Reply to #19)

Anari

Ok. Can someone direct me to

Ok. Can someone direct me to good info on gas lighting! I bought the book but maybe I missed that.

#28 Nov 9 - 1AM (Reply to #20)

dulcinea441

Just google it -- there's

Just google it -- there's tons of info! Here's something to start with: http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f9.t5318

#29 Nov 8 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

Syren66 (not verified)

The silent warfare we are

The silent warfare we are waging at them is their worst nightmare...imagine someone who's as insecure as a narc is having to guess at what you are thinking and what your motives are? And as paranoid as most narcs are, this is only magnified 1000 times over the more they have to sit and stew in it.

#30 Nov 8 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

Syren66 (not verified)

Taken a step further, I do

Taken a step further, I do also hold the belief that there are some narcs (such as the one I was with) who would view NC as it being a case of you just being so heartbroken that you can't bear to be around him, as it just simply hurts too much...that is another form of compartmentalizing that Journey alluded to... I just get a kick out of the fact that he doesn't know WHAT I'm thinking and I KNOW it matters to him.

#31 Nov 9 - 8AM (Reply to #14)

Deidre40

BINGO!! That’s it, syren.

BINGO!! That’s it, syren. Think about it when someone goes silent on you…even if it wasn’t a narc. I had a falling out with my sister this year. We have since made up. But, during our silence…I wondered what she was doing, thinking…etc. It’s human to think this. Likewise, when we’re silent with them. Better yet. When you disappear out of their view…cut out mutual friends so they too can’t report your whereabouts to them? That’s even better. That takes some work, but I did it! I removed all the groupies of the narc from my life, in addition to him. So…literally I don’t show up on his radar screen anymore. THAT is NC to the nth degree, and it’s helped me immensely. I think at first, we wonder what they’re thinking…over time, you heal…and you don’t care. But, I have learned through the grapevine that my silence did bother him. Took some time, but he thought I’d be like the others. NOPE. I don’t chase men, as a general rule. And when I break up with someone, I’m done forever. If I leave a job, I’m done forever with that employer. That’s another general rule of mine. He just isn’t used to a strong woman, to be honest. I can finally say…I am one, now.

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