Remember.... (Regarding the OW)

Don't even think about OW. I met the woman who replaced me. She contacted me after she left him. I think she was a little miffed because she never even really had a "honeymoon" like I did. He slashed & burned her life in 10 months. I had 6 months of bliss, then I married him--only after the marriage did the fun & games begin. And I met the first ex-wife. He did a real number on her too. The N is the same in every harbor where he sinks his anchor. Some variations on the abuse which is tailored to fit the weaknesses & tolerance level of the victim. There only difference between the other women & you, or me, is OW's level of tolerance for abuse, her denial of the abuse, & her neediness (financial, children, abused as a child, etc.). Hey. Maybe my N's third wife will last 20 years. She will not be happy. I know N will not be any different with her than he was with me & the two other women I met. Any woman who stays will have decided on some level to accept abuse as her lot in life. These men do not change. One cannot change a personality disorder. One cannot divest a zebra of his stripes or the temperment which makes them unsuited to be ridden like a horse. A zebra may look like a horse, but a zebra cannot be handled & ridden like a horse. (They perform in circus but they do not work on farms, or in dude ranches, etc. Not suited.) Your N looks like a normal guy. Maybe can even function in some areas as a normal guy. But in an intimate relationship--he's got a fatal flaw which is in the fabric of his being. Like the color of his hair. One can make cosmetic changes but eventually the roots will show. One can ignore the roots & pretend they do not exist. Or, even assist in further coverup treatments (like my N's parents). If you must think of OW--pity her. Do not compare yourself to her. She is not a sibling with whom you are in competition for mother's attention. OW is just another victim.

I'm still at times struggling with the thought that the OW got all those "happy months" and he made her his official girlfriend while all I got was secrecy and pain - so it really helps to read articles like this. Looking back on this whole year I realize it's true... I'd rather be awake and aware with so much more knowledge about myself and the firm resolve to treat myself well from now on than to still be asleep and dreaming. The OW is happy only because she doesn't know him yet.

Loved it! I wish I knew all of this information before I married my narc, then I would have known the red flags. I know now that he has done me the best favor and I feel for the OW because she is stuck with him for life because she has a child with him, I don't! Someone was looking out for me:)

The weird thing is I didn't realize I was the OW until I found out about all the other women. Now I wonder who he was with when he started to charm me...who was inadvertently hurt by me.

Thanks for sharing this. Most helpful line for me: "You were once the OW..." They were like this before we were targeted as supply, they were like this while they were in our lives, and they will be this way with the current OW and whatever future OW are unlucky enough to cross their paths. Ns are pathological and they do not change or get better. Thank God we have woken up from the bad dream, and are free to move on to something real with someone who is real. Thank God that this crooked path ultimately takes us back to ourselves.

Imagining that the ex-Psych was treating his girlfriend better than me was an illusion.. and a diversion from my healing. I had to constantly remind MYSELF how he treated ME. *I* was unhappy in the relationship. *I* was saddened by the ex-P's immaturity, hot/cold treatment. *I* was tired of the ex-P's nonsensical tantrums. It wasn't about how he treated his girlfriend (now his wife)... it all boils down to how he treated ME, and how *I* felt. The D&D was a blessing in disguise, a gift wrapped in tears and pain. Because marrying him would've been WORSE!