I am almost 7 months post-N and just struggling with everything right now. I want to rip my skin off, step out of it and walk off down the road. That's how awful it feels to be me.
Yesterday was a pretty good day, got quite a bit done at work, had supper and went to an activity I enjoy. I ran in to exN#1's current gf and felt absolutely nothing. I went home triumphant and had some ice cream just because. I didn't obsess all day, quieted the voices in my head when they chimed in and was looking forward to some things coming up next week.
Today I'm back in the pit of despair, thinking about him, realizing my dream won't ever come true and wondering why I'm bothering to do this. I so desperately wanted to raise our little girl together and now I don't get to see her for half her life because of this custody fight. I hate him yet love him and miss him.
I hate being me right now. I don't know where to go from here. I'm in bi-weekly therapy, I journal, I read endlessly (websites, articles, books), I exercise, I've joined a church but have not managed to make any friends. I take care of my kids, keep my place clean/laundry done, I venture out here and there to shop or eat out and I'm trying to rebuild a life.
I'm just so tired, fearful and frustrated of feeling like this struggle has no point, no ending and no future to it. Just more of the same or worse. I feel stuck and not a clue what to do to "unstick" myself. Is this just typical 7 month crap or is there something more going on?
Georgiagirl
Step 5 – Wake Up
We tap into the power of our mind to awaken our spirit and find ourselves again.
This all takes time and having a child together is going to cause it to take even longer. Like you said, this is a death of an illusion and there is no quick fix. The general rule of thumb is 18 months to work through all of the steps and be out the other end.
Although the steps are in order, it is not uncommon to go back and forth through them as you gain more wisdom and insight and may have more work to do on a previous step.
I believe what you are describing is typical. I find that most say they wake up one day and later on realize, that they were not even thinking about the PD all day. Freedom from the bondage of having them in your thoughts.
Acceptance is the key. Acceptance that they have a PD, that they don't have it to give, that it is not your fault, and there will be life after PD.
Time is the great healer and you are doing the work.
Have you read the book and followed the exercises in the book? Such as the goodby letter? Reading and following the steps helped me emmensly.
I can remember trying to write my goodby letter too soon. I was hysterical trying to write it and then one day, several weeks later, I was ready and it flowed out of me. That was a huge turning point for me. To say goodby emotionally to the PD and to say goodby to all of my illusions about what could have been.
God bless,
Goldie
GG
I agree with Goldie that this is a normal part of the process.
A few months into the process, I was so tired of being upset and sad that I doubled down on my efforts to force myself to heal. What I realized eventually was that my determination to heal was STILL causing every bit of my energy to be focused on the relationship. All the reading, writing, and talking was keeping the issue at the forefront of my mind all the time.
Getting it out and processing what happened is a very natural and important step. However, my singular focus on healing meant that my life was pretty much the same as it had been - only with a big, gaping hole where he had once been. That hole causes a real ache. I remember the feeling of wanting to step out of my skin and leave it all behind.
What helped me to start filling the hole was to start bringing new things into my life that he wasn't a part of. I took a class, picked up a new hobby, changed my hairstyle, indulged MY interests. It's put a distance between me and him that has really helped.
When was the last time that you did something just for YOU, that has nothing to do with kids or your ex? I know you've joined a church, get out to shop, etc, but is it about YOU or about trying to forget about your ex? Is there something you can do just because it makes you happy?
Thank you, Ally
It means a lot to hear you say you wanted to step out of your skin, too. I miss him sometimes - the familiarity, the shared inside jokes, the good times. I miss having someone to spend time with. You are right that the hole he left behind causes a real ache. I have no doubts about who or what he is and how dangerous he is so I allow myself to miss him once in a while (like today).
I have played volleyball for the past month (something I used to love) but the women were so bitchy that I quit as of this morning. It just made me feel worse about myself.
I signed up to be sent information on art classes as I used to paint landscapes. I don't know if I can afford it but thought I'd inquire.
I've changed my hairstyle every 5 weeks and have cut so much off there is almost nothing left to work with. It's really cute and totally different from what I had with him but hasn't really helped.
I am moving to a new place next month and it's something I've wanted since I left him. I'm really excited to do that but the expense of moving again so soon has me frazzled and not looking forward to it as much as I could be.
Having the custody of my daughter still in complete limbo has contributed to my being stuck here. I don't feel like I can truly move forward and be happy without her and certainly not while she continues to be neglected by him. You've never known heartbreak until you've had to walk away from your child 5 days a week while she screams "stay mommy, stay". It's a special kind of hell.
Kids
I don't have kids, so I can only imagine how hard it must be. :(
My mother was in the same position. She's told me how incredibly difficult the custody exchanges were and how much anxiety she had during that time. I am REALLY sorry you are going through that. The best advice I can offer on that topic is to keep being a safe, stable force in your daughter's life. I wasn't much older than your daughter when I started to see my father's behavior for the crazy it was. She will have questions. If you can answer her honestly without attacking your ex, it will make such a difference. It did for me, anyway.
As far as moving on, it sounds like you're doing the right things. No one thing did it for me, it was the combination of doing lots of different, little stuff. Even just varying my normal routine - like finding a new place to get groceries or a new route to work - helped me. It helped me to break the familiar thought patterns, I think.
It'll get better. Be patient with the process and with yourself. :)
I appreciate your support
It is so nice to hear from someone else going through this that it WILL get better. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from. And the overachiever side of me sees another person's progress and thinks, "hey, if she can so can I". But most of the people here don't have kids with their N and a lot were never married. I need to remember that.
I will keep on trying new things and not give up hope. I've made a new friend in real life in the past week and it feels really good. She's normal!