The Irony of it all

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#1 Oct 25 - 4PM

gettinbetter

The Irony of it all

I had a thought today. Have you ever heard the political term that someone is so right that their left?

I started to think that it really describes the paradox that the Narc lives. These people so broken that they have become rigid and inflexible.

Wanting to be loved so badly that they can now no longer feel it.

Feeling so inferior that they create a false self that is perfect.

So Fearful of rejection that they perpetuate it.

Always wanting success yet ulitmately fail in life.

Having to tear something or someone down to build themselves up.

The more vulnerable they felt when they were with you the worse you will be d and d

and the list goes on...

So tragically ironic that the one thing in life they wanted most they will never have.

#2 Oct 25 - 5PM

Swan

delete

#3 Oct 25 - 4PM

Swan

self fullfilling prophecy

"So Fearful of rejection that they perpetuate it." What they fear the worst is exactly what they get.

#4 Oct 25 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

ekat

But why?

But WHY do they do this? I just cannot get my head around it!

#5 Oct 25 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

gettinbetter

Because somewhere in their

Because somewhere in their childhood someone broke them either by abuse or over idealization from a parent usually mother. They construct a false self that will never be vulnerable like that again. They never want to need a particular person again with the possibility that they could be abandon. They don't want to risk anything therefore they never grow and become stunted emotionally. If you make everyone generic and shut down your feelings you never have to worry or suffer the pain of possibly losing that "special person" like when your "special Mommy" abandoned you. If you make everyone "special" and turn them in to mere NS then if one leaves you you just get another and you never again have to feel that hurt that you felt when you felt abandon by your mother. You make sure no one can ever do that to you again. They subscribe to better not to loved than to have loved and lost. That pain is completely intolerable to them

#6 Oct 25 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

HoLLeeGirL

Well put! Thank you for that.

Well put! Thank you for that. My life ruiner was given up to his grandmother but his mother when he was young because he became sick and she couldn't handle taking care of him. While his mom was still in his life, grandma took care of EVERYTHING. Then mom had another baby and made that kid her world... leaving my ex in the dust. So I guess that explains that! THANK YOU!

#7 Oct 25 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

gettinbetter

Your Welcome. It really is so

Your Welcome. It really is so very tragic and when I read this post I always have moments where I feel as though I could fix him or if I just could have gotten him to believe that I wasnt gonna leave him that everything could work out. It seems easy enough. Unfortunately, its not that easy and really not fixable at all. So ingrained and woven into their personality now that it is nearly impossible to fix. It seems so damn fixable at times but I have to tell myself NO IT IS NOT FIXABLE! many a therapist have dealt with these people and attempted to correct their maladaptive behavior patterns with no success. So I know I cant. So they spend their lives destroying everything good and nurturing in their life in an effort to avoid dependency on someone "special" but the real irony is that these people are completely dependent on supply. So they become dependent which is what they were trying to avoid in the first place!!!

#8 Oct 25 - 11PM (Reply to #13)

Susan32

Avoiding dependence

After the final D&D, the ex-Psych prof said he didn't NEED me over the past 4 years, that it was all an act. I reminded him how I encouraged him, advised him, was there for him... and yes, he did hoover me after his girlfriend (now wife) moved in. Now THE IRONY kicks in... a year after the final D&D, his girlfriend gives birth to twins, he subsequently marries her, his parents move all the way from Massachusetts to raise his kids... and now his parents have moved in permanently with him. He pals around with Daddy (not unlike my 2 year old nephew, I have located his developmental stage) This is the ex-P who publicly rejected and discarded me, who angrily commanded, "Think of me JUST AS A TEACHER!" when I calmly told him how his parents, his sister, his girlfriend and I all cared about him. I can see why he doesn't contact me. I remind him of that brief 5 year stint of freedom before reality kicked in... when his parents were safely ensconced in Massachusetts, and he, all the way in New Mexico, was on his own doing what he wanted. I stir up waaay too many memories. Ns/Ps get triggered too, IMHO.

#9 Oct 25 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

HoLLeeGirL

It's frustrating isn't it? It

It's frustrating isn't it? It does seem easy enough! To us normal people! I am in the same boat! My ex has epilepsy on top of it, so he uses that was a weapon and a reason to manipulate. So I'm always scared I'll put him into a seizure or something. Before I found this board and all the reading I am doing.... I never knew ANY OF THIS. I wish I did years ago! I've been spinning my wheels to fix him... to help him and all I was doing was feeding him. *sigh* Ha it's a catch 22 and it's sad they don't even know it. I try to make myself feel better that his future isn't so bright but then I feel bad for doing that. Am I thinking of it wrong? Should I not be feeling pity for him or wishing him well in his life? Sometimes I feel I should be saying "i hope you fall flat on your damn face!"

#10 Oct 25 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

gettinbetter

The goal is to not care

The goal is to not care whether he survives, thrives or dies or whether he is happy,sad,glad or mad. To answer your question I cant indulge myself in having too much pity for him though I do have it. Everytime I indulge myself in those thoughts the feelings of I can fix this start again. To protect myself I have to view him as a predator whose soul purpose is to take my soul from me for himself.

#11 Oct 25 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

HoLLeeGirL

You are exactly right. Pity

You are exactly right. Pity means you feel sorry etc and that will eventually lead to breaking no contact. NC seems to be the only way I can somewhat NOT care. But I'm always on edge waiting for him to come back and wreck my progress. I need to take that same stance and mindset that you have. Predator, emotional vampire.. bad bad bad. Cannot fix cannot fix. You are awesome, thank you! :)

#12 Oct 25 - 11PM (Reply to #12)

gettinbetter

Oh thanks! but it has taken

Oh thanks! but it has taken me a very long time to get here and I am still not where I want to be. I have had a very bad case of codependency with this man. I believe it all rooted in trauma from the first time I had a 5yr relationship ship with him at age 23. I never realized that I had been carrying the effects of the trauma I suffered back then with me all these years until his return at age 42 and it was all painfully reignited. I have had a terrible addiction to him and I find now that almost a year after the final d and d that Im finally starting to shake this off but I still have my moments. Ocassionally I still crack some tears but not like I used to. I have been very slow in my recovery but thats they way it goes. I dont think you get over these people but I do believe you get on with things and the pain does fade. I did once before and went on to marry a wonderful man whom I am still married to by the grace of God.

#13 Oct 25 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

Hunter

Love this

Gold Star My Friend !!! Hunter

#14 Oct 25 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

gettinbetter

Thanks my sweet friend! Every

Thanks my sweet friend! Every now and then I pop in here with something pertinent LOL!

#15 Oct 25 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Swan

simply because

they are very very sick people

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