Moving Forward

7 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 18 - 3PM

GeorgiaGirl

Moving Forward

I am facing a wall of fear right now about moving forward on my own.

It's been almost 7 months post-N and I am on step 5. I am in therapy every other week, exercise regularly, joined a church, trying to make friends (this is hard!) and getting out some. However, I still catch myself falling back to my victim mentality or magical la-la thinking if something overwhelms me. There are days that I just want to sit down, cross my arms and refuse to proceed on with life. It reminds me of my 2 year old's temper tantrums and its not nearly as cute!

I was talking to a friend last night and she said, "you are doing it (moving forward) - you just don't realize it. You have a job, you pay rent, you own a vehicle, you take care of your kids and you are working on yourself." I can see, logically, that she is right and that I am making forward progress. But I can't help but feel like I'm missing something and fear that I will make the same mistakes all over again. I don't know if this decision or that decision will be the one to screw up everything...but I don't even know what "everything" is. It feels a little like I'm losing my mind.

Can anyone give me some perspective on what is going on in my mind right now? I'm really feeling frustrated with the one step forward/two steps backward thing.

#2 Oct 19 - 2PM

uk lady

Hi Georgia

You are doing exactly what is needed - being aware, getting help and going about your every day business. I agree with your friend. You are doing fabulously and moving on with whatever stuff is needed at the present time. I feel that sometimes we may think that there is something missing in our lives because there is no drama, chaos or spinning that was our life with the ex-P/N. We are so much more aware of what we don't need but are still not 100% sure what will make us happy long term but we are all working on that aspect and that will become clearer with time spent on ourselves. It just takes time and sometimes longer than we imagine. Keep with your programme because you know it makes so much more sense for long term happiness and freedom. Dee x

#3 Oct 19 - 1PM

Done sourcing

We do lose our minds. The

We do lose our minds. The mind we lose is the closed off shut in world we lived in with the narc mind. The chaos, the games, the projection, the stress, the constant bombardment from them and from inside of ourselves. Now that you are moving forward, it feels different. Like losing your mind. You are developing a new mind. Give it time. I mistook serenity for boredom. I mistook quiet for depression. I mistook peace for lonliness. Your friend was correct that you are doing all the right stuff. The psyche was bruised by the abuse, it will get better. More and more will come up into consciousness, and you will deal with it and keep moving on. You now know that contact is the growth killer, all else is growth even if there is pain associated with it. ds

#4 Oct 18 - 6PM

Sparrow

Follow your gut. Period.

Follow your gut. Period. Your gut will always tell you the truth, so listen to it good. Your heart and head will go to war with one another if need be, your gut, will NEVER let you down. One step forward two steps back is part of life. Whether you are healing or not, it is just part of life. If you are doing all the steps, and staying NC, than when you complete your journey, you will know how to trust yourself. This I can promise you. Your doing great! And your almost there! Smile!

#5 Oct 18 - 4PM

Crazy Train

GG, I love what both Spinning

GG, I love what both Spinning & Hunter said. You ARE moving forward which is fantastic. What's even better probably, is the fact that you don't even consciously KNOW you are doing it. You just ARE! I know very well the "losing your mind" feeling. I have it often. Everyone says it's part of the normal healing process. Sometimes I think it's depression. Other times, I know I'm bringing it upon myself but seem to be at an emotional loss to stop it. Just keep moving forward like you've been. Make a list of all the things you accomplished that you don't even realize you have done to help yourself heal. I'm proud of you! CT

#6 Oct 18 - 4PM

spinning

GG, I can relate

to this post. This summer at around the 7 month mark it occurred to me that I lapsed into victim, pity-party, woe is me mode whenever I felt overwhelmed or something went wrong (financial issue, car trouble, etc.). Through talking with a friend I realized that it was habitual for me to think of the disordered one and feel like I "missed him" whenever I was feeling bad about myself. That was the conditioning. That was the script. Once I realized that, it became easier for me to fight those illogical feelings. I realized that I wasn't conditioned overnight and it would take time to undo the damage. I think you are doing great. Truly! YOu should feel very, very good about yourself and how well you are doing. It's not easy pressing ahead and fighting the fear and the urge to give up but it's what we must do. So far, GG, it's just gotten better and easier for me (I'm almost at the 12 month mark). I hope this helps some, GG. You are going to be just fine! Most sincerely (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT!

spinning

#7 Oct 18 - 4PM

Hunter

Sometimes we make good

Sometimes we make good choices and sometimes they suck!! With good comes bad it's called life., if we make a mistake we fix them .. Like you are doing now. Your friend is correct.. You are moving forward .. You are human with human feelings.. Sometimes it's sunny and sometimes it rains .. And sometimes when you mix the two together out comes a beautiful rainbow.. Hunter

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