1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. All About Him Forum
  5. Is this the Mid Way?

Is this the Mid Way?

19 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Oct 17 - 5AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Is this the Mid Way?

I think I am now distanced myself far enough from Narcky (10 weeks going into week 11) BUT not quite where I want to be yet. Somewhere in between.

No longer do the following:
1. Cry over him
2. Have uncontrollable urge to dial his number
3. Trying to find out what he's doing
4. Hate him such that I feel like beating him up
5. Deliberately walk round to his block when I happen to be there, hoping to see him

But still do the following:
1. He pops up in my thoughts still, daily :(
2. Wondering what he's doing (sometimes only)
3. Wondering if he would hoover? (this one I have to be honest, yes I still wonder if he would try to contact me during X'mas or New Year) BUT at the same time afraid he would cos it would be a temptation I really dont want to fall for.
4. Keep his presents to me (back of wardrobe), feels painful to take them out to sell or giveaway

Is this mid way? I got a feeling that this Mid Way will be a Long road to healing likely to last till the 18 months. Not sure how I am going to deal with it that long, 15.5 months to go.

Sumiko

Oct 17 - 12PM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Focus on the forward sweety

Hi Sea. I'm nearly 11 weeks too, and I'm at a similiar point. Had a sneak at his fb picture, and still look out for his car. During a previous break I was in a much better frame of mind and barely thought of him as I focussed on other things. That's when he hoovered! This time I'm moving more slowly, but getting there. I know we can do this, don't give up and whatever you do,please don't go back! X
Oct 17 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
Sea
Sea's picture

Hi 5 on NC beyond week 10! My

Hi 5 on NC beyond week 10! My exN has no pic on his fb profile. After i cut him outa IM etc nothing for me to snoop. We still have alot colleagues, friends between as we used to work together. But i kept very low profile. Frankly i dont know if he's dead or alive, well or not well. I just assumed he's out playing, chasing NS. No urge to contact and complete silence from him. That keeps me safe. Please ignore the hoovering and yes lets keep to NC. Hugs!
Oct 17 - 12PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Sea

Me too, I am more or less where you are right now. This is what I am saying to myself when I have the same questions as you: honey, let it go, surrender to whatever you may feel or even THINK right now. It is ok to still think about him, it is your habit. But you are on the right way. With NC it will fade and go away, just trust in the process. Many people went through this the big majority of them are on the other side now. So will you be one day. Just try to appreciate and enjoy this healing process. When our feelings are so acute, we learn, we lean life as we learn many things about ourselves. It is exciting after all. Love Winter
Oct 17 - 12PM (Reply to #12)
Sea
Sea's picture

Winter

I have heard about the theory of letting your thots runs a full cycle that means if we miss them acknowledge it and let it run abit in the mind then divert attention to do something dont surpress or stamp out that feeling or it will be stuck there. Wondering how true? And is it an excuse for us to ruminate? And where to draw the line before it becomes obsessive?
Oct 17 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
Winter
Winter's picture

Sea

First of all I think it is so amazing how we have the same questions :). You ask a difficult question. And I really don't believe that there is an easy answer and that the line can be drawn with precision. You know, we are not in an exact science are here, so we have to deal with a certain amount of the uncertainty. Trials and errors. My theory here which is still in the adjustment phase is the following. I believe there are two components of the ruminations: emotions and habit. 1. Emotions: If we try to supress thoughts, it has the impact on our emotions, which only increase in this case. It is accentuated with fear that we are feeling anxious and sad about having emotions versus accepting it. When we accept our thoughts and emotions we don't feel anxious about having them anymore and they loose a big part of their emotional charge. This is what I did, I it did work. 2. Habit: Since we really got used to think about the narcs 7/24 (because of the CD, headgames, etc...) when we were involved with them, it is perfectly normal that this habit will persist for a while. This is why as soon as our mind is not actively occupied with something, our thoughts tend to come back to the narcs. So we need to break this habit. How? I believe the key is to bring the focus bring on us. Example: when I "catch" myself thinking about him, I am trying to "investigate" what does this thought represent for ME? What would I think about if I were not thinking about him? What is exactly MY fear? What were MY issues in this relationship? And, I don't even notice how my thoughts change their direction. Another tactic I use is when the thought enter in my mind I aknowledge it. Then I try to lead it to a certain conclusion and then I really try to redirect it to something different. It is not always easy but with time it gets easier and easier.Of course, I were not able to do that at the earlier stage of NC (I am now almost 5 months). I think this way we stay "active" and are trying to break habit without pushing to hard and suppressing our thoughts along with respecting and loving and being really interested with ourselves. Love Winter
Oct 17 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
Sea
Sea's picture

Well said winter

Treating ourselves gently helps. I think at 10 weeks out i am still fragile and touchy. Maybe i revolves around his life for the last 3 years. Old habit to give him alot attention. Need time to adjust to focus on other things and myself. Hugs!!
Oct 17 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

Good question...everyone is

Good question...everyone is different of course. But repressing thoughts...I can't help but think that's not so good, very similar to repressing doubts during the time that the N is making us crazy. It hurts like hell to think about my N. Makes me cry, feel sick to my stomach, whatever. But somehow the pain abates and after each "episode" I feel a little stronger, a little clearer. Then, a bad day...2 steps forward, 1 step back. But it takes so much energy to repress thoughts that probably need to just get thought. I'm no therapist...but it makes better sense to me. *hugs* Ruminate away...over time you'll see that it lessens on its own. My take on it anyway, with due respect to all other views.
Oct 17 - 11PM (Reply to #14)
Sea
Sea's picture

Yes i cried so much during

Yes i cried so much during the initial weeks as well. Cried till there's no more tears to cry anymore. Ruminating him will take longer to stop. I guess there's only so much we can ruminate given there's no new things after the NC. Ruminate about the past till we are sick of it. Time passes and the image fades and healing comes. I guess thats how it works. Hugs!!
Oct 17 - 10AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's all good!

You are NC and as long as you stay that way - It's all good! Congrats on staying strong it will pay off in so many ways. xxx, Ruby
Oct 17 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Sea
Sea's picture

Ruby

Agree NC is key and i still hold strong on this one. I have no desire to contact him. I value my dignity, self esteem more than the desire to contact him. Narcky still lingers alot in my thots like a ghost floating in my empty heart. I even wish that Narcky would contact me! gosh what am i thinking of??!!
Oct 17 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

That's the thing we all wish

That's the thing we all wish we could speed up -- getting them to leave our heads. That just takes time; you know he will fade eventually. Keep remembering that with a narc there was just a machine with a human face. No soul. Think of that and be glad that you are free!
Oct 17 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

There's no turning back..

There's no turning back.. Keep the buzz alive.. You can see that with 10 weeks of NC you are feeling better... Hunter
Oct 17 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Sea
Sea's picture

Hunter

No turning back and too afraid anyway. Too scared of having to go back and live the walking on eggshells days. The journey of this 10 weeks was really tough. I really wish my heart hurts lesser.
Oct 17 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
Used
Used's picture

it will, it takes time, but

it will, it takes time, but it will be so worthwhile, when you no longer give a flying fig about him,or what he is doing, you won't even think of it, or care at all....it will come...
Oct 17 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Sea
Sea's picture

Used

Yes time is essential to healing. I am just managing from day to day and celebrating at the end of each week that i have managed another week. Sounds pathetic but that best i could do at the moment. Cant hurry healing like what hunter said before just have to roll with it. Thanks for being here to support me thru this time.
Oct 17 - 5AM
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

Good morning Sumiko!

Who knows when is exactly the midway point? You know how I feel about your strength to see right through him when others think he is such a prize... You are really doing fantastic, and whatever point you are at today, you are definitely on the road to indifference. You should go back and read some of your early posts, you will see how far you've come. Bravo! Xoxo
Oct 17 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
Sea
Sea's picture

Hello UFR!

Good morning! Its sweet to hear you reassuring me while I take my baby steps. Yes I have made some progress as in not beating myself up anymore and his silence till now helps alot. But u see I am still wondering or more honestly hoping to hear from him somwhow :( really hope it will just be a wishful thinking on my part only and never happen so that as months roll into years Narcky will fade away. Sumiko
Oct 17 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

I still feel that way about

I still feel that way about my narc -- that I secretly wish he would contact me, even though I know there is no future with a man like him now. I think it's just the human side of us that wants closure that we can't get with them. That, too, will heal with time.