thoughts again.

10 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 7 - 5AM

greengirl91

thoughts again.

I wanted badly to see what he`s doing, and I snooped around his profile. I am almost 1 month NC, which is something for a person who used to have thousands of love songs(!!)

I should be pretty proud, because of this forum and my stubbernes to survive, I did almost a month, and my life started moving, slowly but surely. I decided to take back my studies, and to learn how to be on my own, to do things by myself, to become independent emotionally, financially and so on. I know there is a long road out there, I am willing to try, but I have moments when I stumble.

Like this one. For the entire period when I was NC, he didn`t posted anything, no hoover, nothing(!!) That`s what I find pretty weird, maybe he did the same thing, trying to let me go (?), who knows? I mean, I know it shouldn`t matter to me, I don`t feel dissapointed or something seeing this, I felt a little sad in the beginning, but that was it.

Did this happened to anyone of you? For him to stay quiet and wacth your moves, and then to strike again. Who knows. I feel a bit sick today, but simply wanted to share this. I`m not proud of my snooping behaviour, but I`ll strive and try to do better in the next following NC days. I hope I`ll be able to forgive myself, and do something good and healthy, and get back on the NC ride! I know life has much more to offer than confusion, doubts and pain.

I wish I could give people like me a healthy advice, but first I must learn to live healthy myself, without being defined by someone else`s mirror. Especially a toxic person`s mirror.

Thank you for listening, blessings and peace.

#2 Oct 7 - 3PM

greengirl91

Thank you everyone, amazingly

Thank you everyone, amazingly much! I needed a "slap in the face" talk and some worm thoughts as well, it`s the third slipping of this kind for me in the reinitiated NC. Oh, did I mention to you, that I come from a family where Narcs breed? My mother, my grandmother from mom`s side (monster N), I blame her behaviour for the way my mother shaped to be. She is still in denial about NPD, and repeats the same behaviour on me. N cousin, who does the exact same dreadful things, we read about on this site, presently to two or maybe more hearts. Charming guy, but I wouldn`t want to be any close to his gf! Cold, reptilian eyes. Again, WHAT am I doing in this family, lol?! With such a history, there`s no wonder I`m the Cinderella girl, always looking for The Jerk Frog, to fix and change into a Good Hearted Prince. Thank you for all your support, you are amazing! I`m slowly coming back to my senses, and myself. When I am under "the N spell", it`s like I watch my whole life as an observer, not the main character. I watch it passing me by, not knowing how to make it stop. But then I come here, and remember, "You always had the Power, Dorothy", to quote The Wizard of Oz movie. Peace, blessings and best of luck and will to live life as the main character, not as an observer! Thank you for bringing back my light.

#3 Oct 7 - 11AM

meik11

Don't feel bad I found myself

Don't feel bad I found myself snooping until 2am this morning.. He doesn't have a facebook page and he does not get online so I went as far as to view his children's pages hoping to get a glimpse of what he has been up to.... makes me sad....

#4 Oct 7 - 10AM

tresor2

Greengirl,

You've come a long way and continue to make amazing progress. Part of recovery for most of us includes "slip ups." I did it numerous times during the course of 8 years. Now I have about 5 months NC, w/o him hoovering, and it's really hard to deal with. I'm used to (or became addicted)to the off/on cycle. Now, the cycle is over and he's found someone else. My days are good and not so good. I waver in and out of sadness and regret. I've noticed that the intensity of the pain is less with time but, I'm aware of the dangers of relapse, expecially when I get lonely. The holidays coming up also present real dangers. This blog offers so much in terms of advice and experience but, ultimately, the decisions about our behaviors are on us. We have to want the NC...it will not happen until you decide to make it happen. I'm glad you did not call or text and that he's done playing for now. No reason to beat yourself up; we've all been there and done that. Just keep striving for your goals.

#5 Oct 7 - 8AM

Hunter

Well ... Look what the

Well ... Look what the snooping did?? It causes anxiety!! Don't do it!! They are sooooooooo screwed what they do is just one big Puzzle Hunter.

#6 Oct 7 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

greengirl91

Hunter, when I saw you

Hunter, when I saw you commented, I was like "Oh, no she`s gonna be MAD on me!", lol. Thank you for being you, you`re like the voice of counsciousness around here, for many members. In a good way :-)

#7 Oct 7 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

Hunter

Guess what? you don't even

Guess what? you don't even need to look I'll tell you what they are doing ! Lying, cheating, watching porn, jerking off, hurting someone else, all while looking the the mirror admiring their own perfection!! Yuck!! Hunter

#8 Oct 7 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

greengirl91

Just like Christian Bale in

Just like Christian Bale in American Psycho! Fabulous Narc satire black comedy there, who hasn`t seen it, you really should!

#9 Oct 7 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

Winter

Hunter, LOL so funny

I think it should be posted in a separate topic. Something like: "Don't snoop, just ask Hunter" LOL, thank you for laugh

#10 Oct 7 - 6AM

Sea

Yes sometimes I wonder what

Yes sometimes I wonder what my exN is doing as well. He's a cold cold man, Mr Liquid Nitrogen. No news, no nothing. I gave up snooping a month ago after i kicked him outa my online chat. Before I kick his name out I snoop at him also. forgive yourself its only natural that we want to know. but NC, we hang on to it for a fresh start in life. Hugs!

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews