like nothing ever happened.....

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#1 Sep 28 - 5PM
Sunafterrain
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like nothing ever happened.....

I'm curious as to what you all think about the disordered one acting like nothing ever happened.

Hunter, in another post you said, "they live in the moment"

I totally agree with that. Can you expound on that further?

And for the rest of you, what was your experience with this and your disordered one? Before you knew about disorders, did you see this as a red flag in your relationshit but unable to name it?

Happy Day!

Sep 30 - 1PM
Tigerlily
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That WAS the first red flag!

After finding a house where we could live together, which we were ecstatic about (he too, apparently), 3 weeks before I was due to move he said to me "you can move into my house, because I don`t want to see you on the street, but we are not together anymore". For three days I lay on the sofa, unable to do anything, totally devastated, while he sent me E-Mails saying things like, "I spent the night in our new house yesterday" and, "I think I´ll paint the bedroom green, what do you think?". That he could say something so awful totally shocked me. But the way he went on as if nothing had happened, well, yes, Spinning - it makes my head spin again just thinking about it, and it`s nearly 18 months ago now.
Sep 30 - 1PM
Sunafterrain
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I wonder if this is indicative

of their pathology altogether. One of the red flags we missed.
Sep 30 - 12PM
emtg
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Do these words sounds familiar?

Let's just move forward together I want to move forward with you I don't want to dwell on the past I want to be happy and have fun with you Stop ruminating -- don't you want to be happy and love each other?
Sep 30 - 12PM (Reply to #50)
spinning
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Yes, emtg, and here

are a few more: "I've forgotten about it, why can't you?" "Can we just not talk about it and put it behind us?" "I love you exactly as you are. Just as you are right this moment." ....excuse me, I think I'm gonna throw up now (my words at this moment). Love, (not) spinning. THOUGH JUST REPEATING THAT SHIT MAKES ME WANT TO!

spinning

Sep 29 - 3PM
prettypeeved
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This was one of the most

This was one of the most annoying things with him. He'd do some really crappy stuff, then come back months later as if nothing had ever happened. If you wanted to confront him over it, it would be wrong, because you would be dredging up the past. You were supposed be all happy and nice, because HE wanted you to be.
Sep 28 - 9PM
FarmGirl
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normal is as normal does?

it's odd how normal my N acts yet we are living apart under the same roof & he can do nothing to win me back (lawd knows he's trying) yet he still acts like we have a future together and says things like "maybe we should plan a vacation here" etc...now Which is weird because he NEVER said those words before I ended it with him... SIGH NARCS!
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #38)
Sunafterrain
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FG

I truly hope you stay strong and don't give in the asshole. I hope you get out of it soon. He's going to keep doing this and it doesn't mean shiat!!!!!!
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #39)
FarmGirl
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I'm holding strong!!

I have had a few moments of sadness for him, but honestly I know so deeply in my heart that this was the right thing for me that it makes me SICK to think of going back to it.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #40)
Sunafterrain
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I'm so glad

Because I'm so ROOTIN'for you to be FREEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #41)
FarmGirl
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I'm coming here first if........

I start feeling weak ;)))
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #42)
bedrtimes
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but youre not weak. none of

but youre not weak. none of us are. we are all strong but horribly mislead by these losers. dont go back. i know im not. its hard but you can do it. just remember the person you always have been before your soul was suffocated by the N.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #43)
FarmGirl
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HE

has taken a beautiful butterfly and turned it into a moth I am going to turn that back around !!!!
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #46)
Sunafterrain
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FG

You have such a genuine, good energy! You have MUCH to offer life. I can't wait to see how you flourish!
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #47)
FarmGirl
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oh you sweetheart you

flattery will get you everywhere (and baked goods) tee hee
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #44)
bedrtimes
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you already have. :)

you already have. :)
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #45)
FarmGirl
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Thanks!!

xx
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #34)
bedrtimes
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yeah...that hind sight thing.

yeah...that hind sight thing. but with them they think if they act right for a minute everything is all good.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
FarmGirl
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LOLOLOLOL

Indeed. He says that he's trying he's really really trying... I told him he had nearly 10 yrs, his trying days are long past. Amazed that he thinks a few days of being nice makes up for years of neglect! AGH!!
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #37)
bedrtimes
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yeah and one day of

yeah and one day of supposedly being honest makes up for years of lies too. mine would even get mad and say "what? am i on some sort of trial basis now?" my response "call it what you want."
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
Sunafterrain
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brt

very interesting point. The hoovers and pretending to get control back follows the same "in the moment" as everything else. VERY Good point!
Sep 28 - 8PM
Trulybroken
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the day after I caught the ex

the day after I caught the ex cheating, I spoke to his Mom. She said "Well he seems fine, he came here for supper, all smiles and had just come back from the gym and he didn't even tell me you left him" He just went about his life like any other day. It was so bizarre! Here I was home, in fetal position, in shock and he was giggling and going to the gym! SCARY!!!!!!
Sep 28 - 8PM
Winter
Winter's picture

I can totally relate to this

For the good moments and for the bad too. If there was a non resolved issue, he also acted as nothing ever happened. Always with a little joke around instead of taking things seriously. "Oh, don't worry about it"
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #31)
Susan32
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"I'm inspiring you to move on"

That's what the ex-Psych prof said during the final D&D, when I tried bringing up unresolved issues, along with HIS lack of responsibility and remorse. He'd accuse me of being stuck in the past when all I wanted was an explanation. He expected me to forget everything HE did, but he held onto everything *I* did. The last words I heard from him were "YOU acted inappropriately",still unforgiving towards what I had done (expressed my feelings) When I ended things with the Narc workplace 3 years ago, I had my final say with the female manager, with whom I didn't interact much on a regular basis.. I NEVER got my final say with my Narc boss. There were so many unresolved issues. How I ended it with him was very cold. I was incredibly upset when I saw that I was no longer on the schedule as soon as I came in. I freaked out, and with cold, dark eyes my Narc boss snapped at me to stop being so upset. He coldly ordered me around. There were no well wishes, no acknowledgment of my hard work. He didn't try comforting me. My Narc boss would do the same thing-act as if nothing happened, always blamed someone else.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #30)
bedrtimes
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mine would tell me "just drop

mine would tell me "just drop it. stop bringing up the past." how is it the past when its currently unresolved?
Sep 28 - 8PM
blindfaith
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another wierd thing he said

I forgot about this other really strange thing he said one time...I dont know if it has something to do with the in the moment thinking? One time just out of the blue--when we were getting along just fine, having been a couple less than a year at that point, he turns to me and says, "Maybe some day we'll just be really good friends." I'll never understand why he said that.
Sep 28 - 8PM
blindfaith
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N's living in the moment

Thats something about my ex that I found very upsetting, because I wanted security and couldnt picture my life without him at that time. I think the first hint of that "in the moment" thinking I got from him was after being together about 6 months when I sensed him pulling away and asked him if he was drifting from me, he says, "Ive asked myself the same question and I dont THINK Im drifting from you..... I want you in my life RIGHT NOW...I can't picture NOT wanting you in my life...." You have to understand how horrible that sounded to me because at that time in my life I wanted to marry him, and he had said just a couple mo before that night that he wanted the same. Then just when I thought I couldnt feel any worse he says "I don't mean to sound cold but,(chuckle) I don't even know if we'll still be together a year from now." I think that was the beginning of the end.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #26)
Caligirl
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blindfaith, omg, same exact thing happened to me, crazymaking

During a drawn out d&d, my exn-p did the same to me. Having proposed marriage MULTIPLE TIMES already, he started pulling away, but it's odd. I wish it had a name..."in the momentness?" One time, after "sex" he says, "We're slipping through the cracks" (walks away). Then next time, again after sex, "I don't see love in your eyes." Made comments like "(Pointing to his face) Does this look like a happy face?" "We don't like the same movies." Then says, "YOU don't want me." I said, "You're the one complaining and going around here saying, 'we don't like the same movies.'" He says, "Oh yeh, right." This man NEVER EVER wanted to sit down and talk about anything serious, esp our r/s. Never seemed to give a hoot, and here he was making comments on our r/s, but sounding that he was going to pull out, and it was going to be HIS DECISION to UNILATERALLY pull the plug without any input or so much as a thought to my feelings or opinion. It's just weird. Hard to explain. At the same time, he'd sometimes come close by acting like my opinion of him mattered or talk about the future. So then, I'd think, 'Ok, maybe he DOES want me.' Then, more mixed messages...push/pull...it was crazy-making at its finest!
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
bedrtimes
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ive had that crap happen to

ive had that crap happen to me too. always after sex there was some complaint. something was always wrong. and yep it was always me not wanting him according to him. he is one that does nothing but waste his life in bars and nothing else. then he says to me one day "we are not compatible so i dont think we can ever be married. YOU have to go out all the time and I dont think YOU can handle me being such a homebody. we should probably rethink this relationship and our future." what the hell?!?!?!?! i have a ten year old. i have better things to do than hang out in bars. it was always me staying home while he was out. total mind fucking. crazy making at its finest. there is so much mental disturbance in these people. how does any sane person tell someone else that they are doing something when its the accuser doing it???? same thing goes for the cheating. i cant even count how many times i was called a ho and accused of screwing every man that crossed my path. guess who was doing that? i got accused of screwing all of my neighbors because i spoke to them like most neighbors do. turns out that none of my neighbors liked his ass anyway.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #24)
bedrtimes
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mine used to throw in a very

mine used to throw in a very random "if were still together...." what the hell. seems he was planning for the end all along
Sep 30 - 1PM (Reply to #25)
Tigerlily
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Yes!

Yes, mine did that too. "Too bad I can`t take you with me as my secretary when I move to F.", when he`d never even mentioned moving to F. Yeah, I felt he was plotting the end from the beginning, too.