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Two steps backwards

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#1 Sep 21 - 7PM
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

Two steps backwards

Oh why did I answer my cell phone today....im so pissed at myself right now....I should have known it was too good to be true....Its been over a month since I actually heard his voice or talked to him...my cell phone rang this evening and it said restricted number, my sons phone is also a private number and I had to take him to emergency room yesterday so I was concerned that the call might be from him. I answer the phone and what do I hear on the other end of the line, but the voice I dread hearing because to hear it brings all the old emotions rushing back headlong into my thoughts and mind.

The ass said oh I was down in the basement cleaning today and I just stood there looking at all the jars and jars of food that you put up the last 4 or 5 years, I never realized how much work you did and the effort you put into it, I know it took you along time to do that.....HAAAAAAA most years i did 400 jars of stuff or more, yet I never did a damn thing to contribute to our marriage or the house, besides all the other things I did, feeding all the animals, mowing the yard, all the garden work, weeding hoeing, gathering, canning. I cooked him 3 meals a day, I put his damn socks on for him everyday, and his boots....in the winter I was the one that went out each morning and cleaned off his vehicle of the snow and ice so he could go to work, and cranked his truck so it would be warm for him when he went out.....yet I never did anything.

LOL so today, when im slowly day to day, trying to rebuild my life again, without him being a part of it, he barges right in the door and has me bawling my eyes out again, ad I rememeber all the hate filled words he tossed my way, like hand grenades. Its like I never left him, and its all as fresh as if it was happening again right this minute.

Im not stupid I know exactly what his motive is, he wants to worm his way back into my heart as if he was ever far from it. Just because I found the courage to leave, doesnt mean that
I dont love him, a part of me will always love him....but a part of me will always hate him for all the pain and suffereing he put me thru in our 6 years together. Only when he wants something does he say to me, I just wanted to thank you for all the hard work you did, I never appreciated you and I was wrong.
Too little too late.

Sep 22 - 12AM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Wow!

You're my HERO! LOL!!! That is AMAAAAAAZING! What a jerk. You so deserve better! STAY STRONG!
Sep 22 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

Thanks

We all deserve better, each and everyone of us here, are here because of a common bond or reason, we are all, either currently dealing with our demon or Narc whatever they maybe, there are alot of categories they can fall into here, or if we are one of the lucky ones we have come to grips with them and have reach a place of contentment in our lives and are here trying to support others in there journey. Each person here is different, but in so many ways we are all the same....most of our stories could mirror each other. Haha there must be some Narc school out there giving lessons in the fine art of how to destroy the people that love you the most.
Sep 21 - 11PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

I truly hope you give

I truly hope you give yourself the gift of total abstinence from him again. You got tricked by the call. If you ever get tricked again you can calmly say "please leave me alone, good-bye", and hang up. I've been out over a year, and every once in a while I get sucked back a touch. The next day is never devastating, just kinda raw. The following day all is ok again. You didn't go back, you just got a taste, a reminder of the chaos and dysfunction. He is a narc, you were right to end it for yourself! ds
Sep 22 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

Yes I know

I know that tomorrow is a new day, and im back to day 1 in NC, it was such a total shock to my system just hearing his voice, I was at a lost for words....I need that safety zone I had made around myself that allowed no entry from him and his sick mind games, I thought I was doing so good, yet tonight after only a brief encounter with him, I realize im not nearly as far along as I gave myself credit for being.... Im going away tomorrow after lunch for several days of peace and quiet, trying to find that calm serene place in my mind that I had erected. I need that place again, and the sooner I find it the better off ill be. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and we all continue growing in our pursuit of freedom from our N's
Sep 21 - 9PM
Layla
Layla's picture

Sucks to be him..........

You sound like an amazing woman....you've done it all and then some. Keep on your road to recovery and healing. You do so much....don't give all your gifts to a man that does NOT deserve them, save them for someone who does. Put his socks and boots on? I have to admit, I laughed! Hehehe! love~ Layla
Sep 21 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Yes! It does suck to be him!

You are amazing!! I never did those things! I did what I could but I lacked a lot of traditional homemaking skills. I home-schooled 4 children and that was so time consuming. Then I tried to take a class here and there because I really wanted an education. (I did can a few times!) Anyway, I can't believe he lost you! And I don't think he can believe it either!!! He's an idiot. We will always love what they could have been and what we could have had but they blew it!
Sep 21 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

Thanks Layla

Your right he doesnt deserve me, or any other woman All I did, was never appreciated by him, I hope someday there will be a man deserving of my love and me, but right now im not looking for that and probably wont be for along time to come. LOL I never found putting on his socks and shoes to be a laughing matter, I absolutely hated doing that, yet it was expected of me everyday, thats what a submissive woman did.
Sep 21 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Layla
Layla's picture

Oh I am so sorry!

I do not want you to think I was laughing at your pain in any way. i know none of this is funny at all so please know I do not make light of your trials at all. These PD's disgust me.....stay strong. I too agree with you, I am not looking for any new relationship any time soon. It's me time now, and I too need to fix me. We'll be ok! love~ Layla
Sep 21 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

No need to be sorry

I realize that you werent being cruel or anything, and looking back it does seem sort of funny the lengths we will go to, to try and keep things in a good zone with the N.