Dema's Story
Dema's Story
I wondered about sharing at first. My N is truly an N, he has every symptom. However, he never dumped me - never would have dumped me. He clung to me. At one point towards then end he said, "I have to marry again, I have to have someone who HAS to help me when I need it."
And in general he seemed to be very honest at times (though he was an incredibly talented liar who was proficient at gaslighting).
I don't think he enjoyed being mean. I think he hated that he was mean. In short - I believe that N's can be the Psychopaths who do the DnD and enjoy cruelty, but I also think that there are a lot of Pinocchios and Tin Men.
And I think that maybe it is more difficult for us who have Pinocchios to share because - well, they just aren't as cruel as what we read here. No other women. No telling us that we are scum - except in the middle of a tantrum. Then I have been a slut and a cxxx and various other things.
He was hurtful and frequently raging and does all the things in the lists - but he doesn't run around or threaten to dump me or tell me that I am useless. He doesn't insist that I am nothing without him. Instead, he seems to look for his heart, mourn that he doesn't have a heart, and desperately want to be a real boy.
He is still toxic. He cannot bond, he runs from intimacy and he has raging tantrums almost half the time. And they are unexpected and from seemingly random triggers. He tells me it is my fault because I used this phrase or did this seemingly innocent thing. I didn't get him a stamp within 3 minutes of him asking when he was still in his underwear and obviously wasn't walking out to the mailbox, I asked him about my coffee, I said an innocent phrase that his mother had used when she was mad at him.
Emails, phone calls, raging, raging, raging. He wasn't like this when I met him. Partly from his acting ability. Partly because of antidepressants. He quit the antidepressants. I could live with him without the raging. I found ways to set boundaries. He wanted a mother soooo bad. But, without the numbing drugs - he is toxic. And even with them I was so lonely. So lonely. He doesn't have a heart. He is petrified, terrified of intimacy. But he craves it. He wants it. He has tantrums because he thinks it is my fault he doesn't have it. And I told him that I act more deomonstrative and loving to him in public than the people he envies. That I want the intimacy. "Then why don't we have it?" He doesn't understand. He is so pathetic.
And explaining that he runs from it - sometimes he could even admit it. But he couldn't stop running and hiding. He couldn't be intimate.
Pinocchio. He wanted to be a real boy. But he couldn't. And he raged and ranted whenever he came face to face with the fact. And I could not survive.
But, he was so pathetic. So needy. And he was not disloyal to me in a fundamental way. Calling me a cxxx is disloyal - but then again - he didn't want to leave. He always talked nice about me to others. He seldom said anything to specifically hurt me. Sure he lied and tried to make me think I was crazy. He called me bad names. He erased my hard drive.
But was that really disloyal? lol. Yes, I do hear myself. I truly do. The difference is that he seemed like a lost child when he did most of these things. A lost and out of control child.
But, yes, he was toxic. He is toxic. And I have a protective order because I needed one. He's a dangerous lost child. A Tin Man with an ax.
Anyway, I know at least a couple of people relate to this because you have already written me. And I thought maybe those of us with Pinocchios need to talk a bit more.
I can relate
Beautifully written
Still needing to talk
WOW!
I love the nose
My Pinnochio
Sympathy
I'm so glad I read your