I'm Going Down

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prettypeeved
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I wish you well, BadaBing.
I wish you well, BadaBing. Maybe this time it will work out, and I can understand you giving it a try. You know where we are if you need us.
Sunafterrain
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peeved
NOTHING EVER works out with a disordered one. Not this time or any time. EVER.
prettypeeved
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Yeah, I know, but I can't
Yeah, I know, but I can't blame her for trying once more.
iwanttoheal
iwanttoheal's picture
I feel the same way when
I feel the same way when things go well with my N (47 hours NC and counting). When we are together and it is happy, it is the best romance of my life, it's like heaven. I was just thinking about this last night. One thing that is different, though, from a normal real happy romance is that this wonderfulness we share doesn't seem to be important to the N like it is to me. I would do anything (and did) to preserve what we have. After really wonderful nights or weekends, he can act like he could just take it or leave it. Like he too hasn't found the most precious thing life has to offer.
Sunafterrain
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Iwanttoheal
This is what gets those that go back every single time and im absolutely amazed with all the abuse you've all endured that he can suck you back in with a little oxytocin overdose and faked "sharing" of whatever. They don't share anything. they manipulate. They feel NOTHING when they're doing what they're doing. While you're basking in oxytocin bliss, he's jumping up and down that he duped you all once again! Those that go back are not getting that he's doing this to HURT YOU FURTHER this is why the same shit happens over and over again. You're not truly believing that this person is disordered and that his fake love making sessions are not "shared" by him, but only way to worm himself into your life to DESTROY you further. How sad this is!
iwanttoheal
iwanttoheal's picture
Sunafterrain
Please don't be mad at me! I need you people! I have gone 47 hours NC because of your support! The people on this board are literally saving my life... I know I don't have the perspective those of you do who have made it clear of the N, I am just trying my best to be supportive... I honestly need you, please, especially right now, this week. This week is critical. I am only JUST getting 100% that this person is disordered, because I always went back believing he was a little bit human...
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Iwanttoheal
She's not mad! She's frustrated! These men are sick, they dont feel one thing that you describe! NOTHING! It's heart breaking to see suffering! Enabling is not support! You'll get there! Hunter
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture
Bada
I wanted to point out another thing here. What you got was a hit of your drug. Him. We are all addicted to them this is why NC is so important. It is natural that you are going to be weak, but it is not when you give into the drug of choice. While the initial high and relief from the NC feels good, it is so very temporary and the next withdrawal will be more painful. I'm so sorry you made this decision for yourself, but believe that once he hurts you (it will be worse, as it always is), you will go NC again.
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture
Bada
With everything you have shared about his jacknut, you are in for a world of hurt. Again. He wins. You lose. You're right, it wasn't real. But it worked. I'm sorry you fell for this machination. I cringe thinking about the pain you are going to be feeling shortly. We are here for you when the fall comes.
Soldier Girl
Soldier Girl's picture
Bada
Your posts have been a strength to me on here so please stay close If we could cut the tie and never look back ,well we would be them I am a newbie But I can't go back because I know I will never gain any real comfort from the person causing the pain. I love the sweet side of him but the other side of him is hell
MovingForward
MovingForward's picture
I have been exactly where you are
I did it, I went back after the great performance of words and sex. The reunion lasted 18 months. Sounds worth it, huh? I did not know she was an N at the time or anything about the disorder. The whole time we were back together I spent wondering why she came back. Oh, we had fun (spending money) but I never felt any love again. Always wondering if she was cheating again. The lies continued and there was no trust. Always On edge, fearful of the next D&D. I was the only supply available, hence she came back. I know how you are feeling right now. The relief of ending the pain, even for a short time, feels so good. I will tell you, i have never felt more alone during that time. I knew she didnt love me. I lived in fear of her leaving daily. I was just there until something better came along, and it did. The first D&D was painful. The second D&D almost killed me, emotionally and physically. (literally) She was not physical but my health declined rapidly due to the stress and covert abuse. Please think twice. I wish I had never given her that control over me again. She knew she had the upper hand as yours does now, too. It was so much worse the 2nd time around. When new supply comes along, he will be gone. I loved and still love my N too, with all my heart but I know, she does not love me and that will never change. I know I have to accept that if I ever want to live again. Good luck to you, please pray about this and God Bless. I will be praying for you and that God will guide you.