Can't remember him

about it too. It was probably four or five months ago or even longer. I was a little surprised about it. Someone had posted how they are "haunted" by images of their disordered one and it hit me that I could not even recall what he looked like. It was probably at the four or five month NC mark and I was somewhat surprised, considering I lost six years of my life to this "person." At the time I figured it was my mind protecting me. Kind of like what you said about it helping you move forward and stay NC. It did help that I couldn't recall what he looked like or what he smelled like. In fact, mine did a disappearing act, vanished into thin air, leaving behind clothes, shoes, CDs, cologne, etc. (all of which I gathered up and put in a bag outside and left it there. The D & D was in November of 2010 and it took me until July of 2011 to toss the bag in the trash. That's because I didn't want to remember. Also, I only dreamt of him once post D & D, and the dream was a nightmare. He was standing outside my window in military garb pointing a gun at me. That was it. Lately (at 10 months NC), I've dreamt of him twice in the past week! The dreams weren't "good" or romantic or anything like that. They were just snippets of his bizarre and violent behavior, lasting only a few moments. I wake up and think "ewww. that's strange" but don't feel like a wreck or anything. I think I'm finally processing the reality and I'm grateful that it's pretty scary instead of being all gushy and mushy. Because the truth is the disordered one I was involved with was borderline and he was very, very sick and I became very, very sick for a time, too. I am sorry for making this so long, but this post really resonates with me and I want to give you some peace of mind that I believe you likely will come to a point where you can picture him again, but it likely won't trigger you or make you feel a wreck. I think if you were traumatized enough to not recall right now, when you do it will be the reality and you'll be happy that he's long gone. Hugs to you, coffee. You are doing great and I am so glad you posted this. Thank you for listening. Sincerely, (not) spinning. AND STRIVING TO STAY THAT WAY!

The same here. What reminds me of him is my peace I have now without him. It's amazing how I can't recall memories of him. I can recall his voice saying hello, a blue t-shirt, the touch of his shirt. It's seems to me as a dream. I have no idea where I was in the last 2 years. No memories, only a few. But it's more because of the ideas/emotions sticking behind, but not him. I feel that I live now. And those 2 years were like swimming in the void...in a bubble... unreal. I am happy you are doing well :)

Where can I get this little dose of amnesia. The only thing that I can relate to is that there are days when I actually feel really good. And there is a strange part of me that actually feels weird that I can feel okay with him not in my life. It's almost like people who are moving on after a death. I almost feel guilty when I start to live my life again. Cheers to you that you are having some relief! Don't worry about when or if you will start missing him or "remembering" him again. Just enjoy the feeling of not remembering him! My guess is that 7 years of back and forth and then finally doing NC is you saying, "I"M DONE". And you're ready for it. It's your time to get yourself back. What a gift!! Keep up the NC....I'm sure you know based on your 7 years of roller coaster that it's not gonna change at this point. Hugs and congrats!

What I find is happening to me is I remember LESS of the things he did to me. He almost seems as if a mirage now. It's the oddest thing. It's a "rite of passage" I think in the healing process. God Bless NC.

And your mind did put in place the defense mecanism. Don't resist, do not worry. You are lucky! Enjoy! Very happy for you.

Absolutely. As I get more and more clear about the charade of the false self, he disappears. I truly had created what I thought he was mentally. Interesting that I noticed when I was under his spell that he looked completely different to me depending on situation. I haven't unpacked that one yet. But, yes, this feels like a huge healing!