WHO WOULDN'T

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#1 Sep 12 - 6PM

Sparrow

WHO WOULDN'T

I have to say, this experience, with the N has been the most painful experience ever in my life. Honestly.......and I have been through hell and back and have endured and kept my feet on solid ground basically my entire life. I am considered by most people in my life to be an extremely strong woman, by both men and women. When I met my narc and got so deeply involved with him, I didn't know up from down, the choices I was making made no sense to me or anyone that knew me, they still don't at times. I have become unrecognizable to some because they are not use to seeing this side of me and honestly, neither am I. I have overcome the loss of my Father through a tragic car accident, molestation with my step father, physical abuse at the hands of my step father for years, 2 marriages that I absolutely refuse to refer to as failed marriages, but they are no more. I was beaten and pistol whipped by a man who suffers from schizophrenia when I attempted to break it off with him and remain friends.....there is more to this list but I really don't want to droan on about it.

My point is, for everything I have endured in life, THIS NARC situation is the hardest and most challenging and I am learning every day why. I still have my moments, as you all well know, but consider myself to be close, I am getting there, although experiencing setbacks. It boggles my mind every day when I think about it, absolutely boggles my mind...........

I am going to be honest here. Given the opportunity, if I could have the man I fell in love with back, I would give my right arm, who wouldn't? Key word, the man I fell in love with........I know who I fell in love with doesn't exist, I know the man who I dream of and yearn for is a figment of HIS imagination, I know he is not healthy for me, and I know that I will never find happiness with him. I know this..........and I believe it to be fact. It took me a long time, and I took my lumps, many of them along the way. People would tell me until they were blue in the face. I wouldn't listen. They were utterly frustrated with me and I was utterly frustrated with them, why? Because "I knew what I was doing" and "My eyes were wide open this time" I said ALL of those things, we all have.........

This experience, with this man, is something that I have to honestly, consiously, ON A DAILY BASIS, make an effort to overcome, it is allconsuming at times.......NEVER have I ever had to work so hard in all of my life, for anything.
NEVER have I ever been met with such challenges.......

I will succeed, I have to........bottom line. But with that said, I can not expect everyone to be at the exact spot or possess the same strength or conviction, or do what I would do in a situation. God knows I have made my mistakes here, many have, some blatant, stupid mistakes, others, innocent mistakes.

I will succeed, like I said........if it takes me a million attempts to get it right, I will succeed, with the help of my Path Forward Family......no matter what.

#2 Sep 13 - 11AM

Sparrow

Jel

You trusted him because you wanted to. Without trust, which is the very foundation of a relationship, you have nothing. He took advantage of you, he didn't appreciate you, he abused you......... I trusted mine because I wanted to. I refused to allow narc #1 to take that from me. I refused to believe that all men were not able to be trusted. We will overcome this as well, but agreed, it is by far the hardest of all the obstacles in life thus far. We are doing great though! We will overcome.........this I know in my heart of hearts! Hang in there, stay strong, today is a new day and tomorrow is as well. Yesterday was just a "dress rehersal" for today, right? Smile always!

#3 Sep 13 - 6AM

Jelickuk

We have similar stories

We have similar stories Sparrow, similar pasts. In many ways I believe my vulverabilities as a result of my past made me easy prey for my exnh. Like you if I could have him back as I believed him to be I certainly would. That still hurts. I hadnt seen that man for many years but occasionally there would be little glimpses, just enough to fool me. I made every excuse in the book..blamed myself constantly, hated myself, hated him, argued, screamed, sobbed, bought expensive gifts, pleaded and begged for understanding. then he left after saying he could not live without me and our children. Like you I have overcome some truly horrendous experiences but this is by far far far the worst. Because I truly believed in my heart that he was a good honest man who loved me. For the first time in my life I truly trusted him and believed he loved me. I was terribly wrong. That takes a lot of getting over

#4 Sep 13 - 12AM

Arwen

Sparrow, I identified with

Sparrow, I identified with your losses so much and your strength as I lost my father of an OD when I was 20 and 8 years later, my closest brother to an OD when he was 32. Another brother and my mother are full blown narcotic addicts waiting to die. I lost my virginity by being raped, my father and one brother molested me, I suffered professionally my whole life from a string of jealous N teachers and other professionals, and I survived all of this. And after all of this, due to the stress of the D&D from recent N, and the realization that he really, really isn't coming back, I ended up again in the ER lastnight with what I was sure was cardiac, and I had three days of severe gastritis that came out of nowhere. I also live in a marriage with a covert N. So, if anyone knows what you are feeling in terms of getting past the pain of the N leaving and being so disgusing and abusive in the way he left, it would be me. After burying my family, you'd think I could survive anything, but this...this has me in a holding pattern of stress, grief and shock like nothing I have ever experienced. I spoke to a spiritualist the other day, a wonderful woman with whom I have not spoken in a very long time and she told me that he would most likely be in touch with me, and then she said to me, "but Arwen, this man has so many issues that if you took him back you would really, really be sucked of everything you have and he would never stop wanting all of your attention". She said to me, "have you given any thought to what it would really be like to be married to him?", and I said I had and that was the reason I backed out of the relationship as a teenager and that was also why I backed out again so many years later. And Sparrow, since that reality has hit me, both that he simply has not called and he simply isn't coming back, but more severe in its undeniable truth, I could not be with him even if he really wanted it. Then the REAL stress kicked in. I want him so badly to call and say I love you, I fucked up, I need you in my life. But he won't. and it's killing me. I can't let it kill me. I am trying to erase any memory of him out of my mind.

#5 Sep 13 - 6AM (Reply to #11)

Sparrow

Arwen

Even if he did call and tell you all those things, it wouldn't make a difference. And that my friend is the harsh reality. He is doing you a favor by staying away................these narcs have come in and wreaked havoc on our hearts, our lives, like a tornado. They are gone as quick as they arrive and we are left with the aftermath to clean up. It is the most challenging of all that I have faced, but will continue to forge forward as I know you will as well. Take care of your health. I hope you are feeling better after the visit to the ER. Stress can promote many an illness. Smiles

#6 Sep 13 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

Arwen

Thanks Sparrow I am feeling

Thanks Sparrow I am feeling better. And it amazes me what stress has done to me. I have decided that I am not ALLOWED to think about N. If he comes into my head, I am quickly pushing it away before the thought of him becomes a feeling and my stomach gets knotted up so badly that I end up in the hospital. I will not think about "it", He is an "it".

#7 Sep 13 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Sparrow

Arwen

If you can figure out how to do that, contact me, we will bottle it and become rich! LOL All kidding aside. It is quite an effort to not think about them but it gets easier every day. Some days are harder than others. Depending on whether you experience triggers or not......... It's best to not think of them for sure. Good luck and feel better!

#8 Sep 12 - 10PM

Winter

Strong woman...

Is it exactly what makes it so difficult to us? Emotionally difficult I mean, during the postnarc period. Do we have more difficulties to accept the whole situation for what it was? That we lost control and are not proud of ourselves for what did happen to us? What if in these very circumstances our strengths are working against us? Ok, we found strength to go NC, to maintain it. I think accepting and healing is not about being strong. It requires some other skills that personally I don’t posses. In some cultures acceptance and humility are the most important qualities. While in the western civilisations all we learn is to be strong, to compete, to win. And if we “fail” (or more precisely if we perceive we did) we take it as such a drama and we keep fighting to prove things to others and to ourselves. Instead of letting go and to accepting that we are not perfect and that there are things which escape to our control. I don’t know, just thinking out loud.

#9 Sep 13 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

Sparrow

Winter and Rosedewitt

Accepting plays a very large part in the healing process. Strength is a part of acceptance. Acceptance is the ability to see something for what it is, and to honestly admit it to yourself. And to take it for what it is and believe it for what it is. Without strength, you would not be able to do so. It is very interesting, the differences in cultures isn't it?

#10 Sep 13 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

Winter

strength and weakness

It is very interesting indeed. What you described above is not what I qualify as acceptance, it is rather acknowledgement and courage to face the truth. Which indeed requires a lot of strength, I agree. For me the definition of acceptance is a little bit different. It is an emotional and spiritual state of mind when I stop fighting with my negative feelings (related to the above mentioned acknowledgement. And that is where my “strength” seems to play against me. I have to be strong to control my behaviour, my actions, stay NC. That is the easy part. Now, when it comes to what I feel, I think I should learn to be “weak”, not resistant to accept that I feel pain, that I lost, that I failed. Also to accept the uncertainty, that I am not smart enough to understand everything. To accept the fact that there are (and there will always be) things which escape to my understanding. To have a certain resignation. You know what I mean? And you know what? I have noticed that to some people it does come naturally, without any effort. Usually they are not “fighters”, not leaders, they simply “follow”. And they usually answer: “I can’t do much about it”. Maybe they will not be that good when NC, but when “left alone”, rejected, abandoned - they have less troubles to go through their loss and pain. That’s the flip sides of strength and weakness, like with everything else.

#11 Sep 13 - 12AM (Reply to #7)

rosedewittbukater

acceptance

"accepting and healing is not about being strong. It requires some other skills that personally I don’t posses. " I totally get what you are saying here. I have always considered myself strong yet, the acceptance seems to come from a totally different place doesn't it? I wish I could find that place, it escapes me at the moment.

#12 Sep 12 - 7PM

fooled no longer

your post made me cry. i

your post made me cry. i really can relate i too have overcome so much in my life and had great successes but this experience with the narc came close to killing me. it was so evil so covert, so sinister, so manipulative, so sub human, my brain still cant process it even now. since he left he has done even more things that I never considered him capable of. he has changed my perception of the human race. nothing in my life has been able to seperate me from God but he did. for eight years i felt god had removed himself from me. I really was sleeping with the devil. Its so devastating now, still now. they all believed him he is so able to lie and convince. Its so awful. I am with you and I too wont give up, I have lost much of what I had always too. trust will be a challenge. I hate him and his type. I applaud you for your strength. I will stand with you message me. XXXhugs.

#13 Sep 12 - 7PM

faithinthefuture

Wow Sparrow

I am soo soo sorry for all the other things you have went through in your life. It's women like you that just amaze me. I don't know if I would be as strong as you are. People have always told me too that I am one of the strongest women they know and no matter what happens in my life I will make the best of it and make it thru. This whole narc experience sent me spiraling from day one. I couldn't believe the woman I had become. After 18 months NC I am still finding me again. I have changed. Some for the better like putting up boundaries & seeing thru peoples bullshit. Not so trusting either. I do find that rather sad. I always looked for the good in people. I don't do that anymore. I read and reread what you said about wanting back the e As hard as I tried I couldn't get my heart to feel that. All I see is his ugliness. When I look back at the times I thought he loved me and thought we would be together forever all I see now is fakeness and lies from him. And I see myself for being sooo stupid & naive & trusting. I don't even have any good memories anymore becuz their filled with seeing his deceit. I still deal with this on a daily basis. I think I always will but I know he will never be a part of my life again. And yes we will succeed. We already are. Thank you for this post. I felt everything you wrote.

#14 Sep 12 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

Sparrow

I need to correct something

I need to correct something here...........I don't want to give the impression I want my N back. I was saying I would want him back, IF he was the man I thought he was, the man he pretended to be, that I thought was real. In no way, shape or form would I ever take back the man that he is. Sorry if you misunderstood what I was saying. I was simply saying we all have yearned for the man we fell in love with, but have had to accept that the man we fell in love with, does not exist. Hell, just last night I was having myself a pity party. It just happens to be that way sometimes. It is a terrible place to be, but we eventually snap out of it, thank goodness!

#15 Sep 13 - 6AM (Reply to #4)

faithinthefuture

I knew what you meant

I knew what you meant when you said you would want him back IF he was the man you thought he was. I never took it as you would take him back now. I have my pity party days too. And that's ok. We deserve them. Part of the healing. And yes we will snap out of it and be better for the whole experience. They won't ever change and to be stuck in their life I hope punishes them.

#16 Sep 12 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

Redhead1

I can't hardly see any good

I can't hardly see any good in the narc either. The futher out in time I get, I see the truth and its not nice. Today I had a wave of anxiety, thinking how things really were and how far I have come. I am like "WOW", did I really live in that shit? How did I do it? It seems like a dream at times now. I am 16 months NC and life does get better. Everyone keep the faith that things will get better. That is all I had for a long time.

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