You can go to Alanon 7 days a week and learn to detatch with love from the PD/addict. Alanon works great if you have a child or family member who is an addict and it teaches you to stop enabling them. With a spouse or bf/gf it just basically teaches you how to keep the focus on your life and your needs and continue to live with unacceptable behavior.
They don't change, you do. So if you want to change yourself to the extent that you are no longer bothered by unacceptable behavior than you can and this is what it will be. Living with a liar, cheat, manipulative man and just no longer affected by it.
Does this make any sense and is this what you want? Why would you want to be with someone whom the only way to tolerate them is to shut down your emotions towards them?
God bless,
Goldie
It is possible,,,,,,,but you end up settling. You unfortunately have to give up your self esteem, will have to listen to him talk about himself incessently, you must be prepared to take the blame for any little thing that upsets him. You will need to get used to doing only what he wants to do, eat only where he wants to eat, and be at his beck and call at any whim. Listen to me when I say this. I am 28 years in and we are still together. My happiness is unimportant to him and I can't get within 30 feet of him without him bellowing out something that he needs me to do for him. He was 21 when we met, now he is 50. He is NOT getting any better with age. While I hold my own and give him back what he dishes out......it ain't pretty.
Don't get pulled in by his siren song. I understand how the escapist angle would help you in your current circumstances, but you need every ounce of concentration to improve your circumstances and get away from him. N's are so charming and fun, they are almost like a drug. Life doesn't look quite the same when you sober up, but it's worth sobering up to own your own soul, if you know what I mean. Good luck!!!
feeling how you feel right now? Seriously? Is this how you want to feel for another week, month, year, until you're old and gray?
I'm single and broke and 53 and 10 months NC and happier than I've been in the past 6-plus years I spent in hell with the disordered one. This is the truth. Plus, I'm going out and having fun with non-disordered, NICE, men with jobs and who are also HOT. Truly! All the money in the world would not buy my DIGNITY. I REFUSE TO LOWER THE BAR FOR ANY MAN FOR ANY REASON. I prefer my struggle. It's way more rewarding and I don't have to put up with being treated like shit. I find I no longer like being treated poorly. It just no longer works for me.
But everyone's different.
I am attaching this link which I hope will help answer your question. As this writer says, you only have one life, and it's not a dress rehearsal. If you like things how they are right now, there's your answer.
http://www.divinecaroline.com/22091/31868-narcissistic-abusive-relationships-stay-leave/2
I really hope this helps.
Sincerely,
(determined to never again be) Spinning. NO MAN IS WORTH IT, ESPECIALLY NOT A FREAK OF AN ILLUSION.
Spinning is SO correct. I'm 52 years old, NC, and happier than I'd ever been in the past 17 years. I wasted 16 years on xnh, and I've been out 16 months now. I know from personal experience that the longer you stay within the narc's realm, the more of your life gets wasted on him. He doesn't care what his behavior does to you. It's all about him. If you stay with the narc, what will happen is that at some point, you'll be laying on your deathbed wondering what happened to your life. It will have been squandered on an abusive, unsatisfying (for you) relationship. Meanwhile, he will never give a backward glance at the destruction and pain that he's inflicted onto you. To the narc, other people are merely objects for their own personal use. Narcs only get worse as they get older. I agree with Spinning, "All the money in the world would not buy my DIGNITY. I REFUSE TO LOWER THE BAR FOR ANY MAN FOR ANY REASON."
Great article, Spinning. So very true.
If you have children, I can tell you personally, they will be impacted and damaged. They will never know what a normal relationship and home life should look like. Your love and caring efforts to make it more stable and normal, WILL GO UNNOTICED. He is always the center of attention, everyone walks on eggshells. He conditions you and your children as well. The moods, temper tantrums, negative unhappy feelings he emits, the inappropriate angry responses to ordinary life problems, rages, unreasonable expectations placed on everyone but them, creates an unhealthy environment to raise children. They have to adapt and develop unhealthy survival skills to live through it. They will carry those skills into their life and relationships.
This paragraph really hit home. I did not have children of my own. However, I did try to parent and do right by his two daughters for as long as I could. It was impossible (particularly with the oldest one, which is a clone of xnh on steroids - she's a sociopath). My efforts all went unnoticed and ignored. In typical narc fashion, xnh blames either me or his first ex-wife (their mother) for all of their problems. Meanwhile xnh seems to think that he is Father Of The Universe. Negatron, Bat Boy! His kids both have serious issues because of xnh and his NPD.
______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
Both of you ladies are so right. My relationship with XN nearly destroyed my relationship with my two daughters. At 17 and 20 they were old enough to recognize his sickness. They basically said it's us or him. Guess who I chose?
The girls and I moved out in May of this year and the peace and serenity has been amazing. I think in a way my daughters saved me from myself. You have to think of your kids and do everything you can to get over your addiction to this creature. They'll not only suck you dry but everyone else involved too. They are equal opportunity predators.
Don't be fooled by his charm and "generosity " There is a motive behind everything they do and don't forget that for one moment.
Sure you can stay if you want
It is possible,,,,,,,but you
Run don't walk!
Lisa, do you like
spinning
Spinning is SO correct. I'm
______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
great article and advice