Can't believe it but....

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 10 - 9AM

Sherbear

Can't believe it but....

I left him a message a few days ago. Hard to believe since I have only sent him one text in the last 13 months. He never responded, Thank God, I know I am very blessed in that respect. He is too busy punishing me with the silent treatment for figuring out his true self and not engaging in his game anymore.

There are a few reasons why I believe I tried to reach out as I have processed this.

#1 Posssibly b/c I am on the 18th month of my recovery and healing from PTSD. I am ready to move on, I want to make peace with that part of my life and let it go.

#2 Could be b/c I have been so emotional the last few weeks with the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I want people to know how I care for them. I don't want any unspoken words. If something needs to be said, then I ant to say no matter what the other's response is.

#3 Maybe it was looking for another piece of proof that he is a sick, disordered man and will never change. That I am doing everything right in my healing from his toxicity and this confirms that I must keep doing it.

Whatever the case may be, most likely a bit of everything, it hasn't affected me too much at all. I feel like.... Yep, he really is an asshole, my thoughts are correct. And I am right that I will never get closure or peace from him. I am giving myself closure.

In fact, I have thought of him less and less the last few days. I have been working hard and focusing on a new project that I want to present to a local philanthropist. I get excited just thinking of it! It's been a great distractor and sometimes I go hours without thinking of him and when he does enter my mind, it's passing and almost a joke now.

He is a small, small, sick, disordered man and I feel sorry for whoever crosses his path. He has no mercy, no empathy, no respect for anyone, so this isn't personal against me. Someone posted a line a few weeks ago that said something like this.... "Does a flea miss the dog when it jumps off it? No, he misses the supply, but he'll just go jump on another dog". That really hit home with me. It has nothing to do with me.

Once again, I thank God for this site! It saved my life!! Happy Saturday, everyone!

#2 Sep 10 - 8PM

Deidre40

I loved reading what you

I loved reading what you wrote. Especially the flea/dog analogy. That is a striking similarity to what having a relationship with a narc is truly like. Kudos to you for getting this far in your recovery.

#3 Sep 10 - 11AM

Caligirl

Sherbear, you rock! Congrats on being 18 months out!

Reading your post, I can tell you are a compassionate and good person...sensitive to the tragedy of 9/11. This N, who crossed your path, does not deserve you. I too have thought of contacting my exN in the hopes of achieving the ever-elusive closure, but mine would probably ignore me too bc I left him (even if he did call a few times before). I'm sure he raged inside that I left silently. My friend always tells me that "You leaving is your closure." Gee, wish I could grasp that! My favorite part of your post, " He has no mercy, no empathy, no respect for anyone, so this isn't personal against me." This is so true of my N. I saw him disrespect others, and I just need to remember this. Have a good Saturday too! God bless.

#4 Sep 10 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

Sherbear

Cali.....

Oh my gosh, thank you so much Caligirl. "This N, who crossed your path, does not deserve you." Those words are so amazing to hear. Thank you. I truly beleive now that he really doesn't deserve me. But it always so nice to hear from an outsider. :o) It's so true, my n treats everyone like shit. Broken promises, lies, disappearing acts....no integrity whatsoever. What a disgusting way to live. I can't wait till we can all grasp 100% what these people really are and turn around and never look back without a second thought. How glorious! xoxo, sherry

#5 Sep 10 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

Caligirl

Sher, you're welcome! It's true!

My n would dump on, criticize and disappoint his own sons. In the end, he tried to blame me for not seeing them as often, and I was baffled. He is hardly at home and works all the time. Whenever I saw him at home, his sons or family were there a lot! He is truly in his own lala land. I agree with you...can't wait until we all see the n 100%. I'm getting there every day, not quite 100%, and I am sometimes angry, and sometimes pity these freaks. They will never get it! :( xoxo

#6 Sep 10 - 11AM

Hunter

Sher

Fleas .... I like that.. Well ... If you did or didn't text you still got the same response! Forget about it! Hunter

#7 Sep 10 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

Sherbear

How fitting, Hunter...

for your dog whispering narc and the fleas comment!!!! lol And you got it, Forgetting about it! Delete. xo, Sher

#8 Sep 10 - 9AM

Happy1

I have these temptations as

I have these temptations as well and in 9 months away from him. I had a bad few weeks these past weeks and maybe it's because we are getting to another stage and we look back to make sure this is ok. I don't know but I know we cannot be hard on ourselves. We are away from them and we are functioning on a daily basis without them. We are just fine and really so much better off now. Hugs

#9 Sep 10 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

Sherbear

Thank you Happy.

Your comment means so much to me. "I don't know but I know we cannot be hard on ourselves. We are away from them and we are functioning on a daily basis without them. We are just fine and really so much better off now". I love this....because this is the truth. We really are more than okay and don't deserve anything that these Narcs do. We will go on and have a blessed, beautiful life and they will continue to be a leech and suck off others until they die. So glad we are not in it anymore. Lots of love. xo

#10 Sep 10 - 9AM

Used

SHERBEAR

i to became emotional..yesterday[9/11] tho i am a brit...they say everyone remembers what they were doing that day...and i do...my friend phoned and said have you got tv on,i said no, i put it on and said..am i watching a film she said no this is happening right now in america...i couldnt stop watching it and still couldnt believ it..my youngest phoned me and said mum are we going to have another world war... i said no and calmed him...told him to come round..he did ,i turned off tv and we just sat there talking...and i thought those poor poor people,and yes i thought of loved one,s...some i dont see,and thought life is too short and to perilious to hold grudges.....and i spoke to my same son again yesterday and i couldnt believe it was 10 years ago...and that we recalled it like it was yesterday...so i understand your reasoning, i realy do...and when i first met narc, it was the day he went and got his mothers death certificate...so i thought of him too....xx

#11 Sep 10 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Sherbear

Used

Exactly, you get exactly what I am feeling, and I am sure more of us do too. I was in my classroom in Florida when my assistant came in and said a plane hit the World Trade Center. We turned on the TV and saw the 2nd plane hit, live. What a scary, sad, confusing, desperate time for America and the world, as they grieved with us. I remember not being able to stop watching the coverage and crying and crying that first night b/c of all the families that had someone missing and realizing all night that they should be home and waiting for them to walk in the door and nothing. My heart aches at the thought...and still does like it was yesterday. I have to limit what I watch now b/c it affects me so deeply. Yesterday I saw a clip of the 9/11 babies....born after losing a parent on 9/11. They are 10 years old now and I was bawling like a baby in the kitchen. :o(((( I think of this and I think like you....life is precious and short. I don't want any conflict, I want peace. Unfortunately others may not think the way I do and that's when I have to find my own peace and learn to let it go. A year ago, I posted this as my status on FB..."Expectations are the pathways to resentment. Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die." I don't want poison in my life...I need to let it go. Even if he won't give me the closure I deserve, I am learning to give it to myself. B/c I refuse to hold onto any anger or bitterness or resentment, I have done that my whole life. I know that I have reached out in good faith, with the most right intentions and more than that....GOD knows. He knows my heart and He is a God that makes wrong things right. I don't have to do anything except let it go and let God go have control of this one. He is my vindicator. Whew! Anyway, thank you Used....for your words. Thank you for your kindness towards America and the loss that we all still grieve so deeply. Much love to you.

#12 Sep 10 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

spinning

Sher, my sweet!

I am so glad you checked in. I am also glad you are truly healing, moving forward and processing things in the way you need to. I believe no further texts are required. You got the confirmation you sought. HIS LOSS! I can't wait for the joy and bliss that awaits you, Sher. You have worked so hard on your recovery and now you are on to bigger and better, exciting things. You are a sweet, compassionate dear person with much to give to the world! I'm so glad that will no longer be wasted on a shallow, hollow shell of a man. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. THE SICK FREAK TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE ME DOWN!

spinning

#13 Sep 10 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

Sherbear

Spinning..thank you so much.

Your words mean so much to me. And I wanted to let you know that I just deleted his phone number from my phone! So yes, no more texts. :o( Thank you for your encouragement and belief in me. You and all the ladies and men mean so much to me! I am where I am in my recovery b/c of you all and this site. Knowledge is power! "I can't wait for the joy and bliss that awaits you, Sher." Me too spinning, me too, for all of us. Lots of love, xoxo Sherry

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