Realisation

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 7 - 12AM

freaked

Realisation

feeling weary of the way i am continuously whining and complaining.it is time to pull up my socks and learn to live with whatever life has ordained. i am sure a huge portion of the blame for the present situation does lie in me too.

1.when i discovered that he is a blatant liar i should have quit this marriage. I am talking about a month into the marriage.
2.when i sensed that neither him nor his folks had any empathy, i should have learnt to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself rather than wage a war of words and accusations.
3.when i got info on ow (other woman) #1, i should have packed my bags and left.
4.I should never have thought that chatting with another guy would salvage my situation. It just fucked it all up beyond repair. and today i stand the dire threat of being framed for infidelity...when in truth there was no infidelity...simple reason being...that guy was not one bit interested in me even as a freebie. and the truth being..i was not interested one bit in anything more...my devotion was always with my husband... i thought i could incite jealousy in my NH and thereby make him behave faithful to me.. alas...i miscalculated.
5.after ow 2,3,4,5 .., i should have had the sense to shut up and stop asking questions and living on a Hope that if I Caught him Out.. my marriage would improve. after suspecting presence of this ow#6, since the last year, it was my final call to stay mum as i lacked financial means to exit this marriage. But, i inflicted ultimate narcissist injury to this disordered h when i screamed and shouted at him ..the very next week he proposed marriage to OW6
6.as i see, it may be in my best personal interest of retaining sanity, dignity, tranquility...that i must JUST ACCEPT my situation and pray to god to reduce my karmic sentence.
7. and feel grateful IF nh gathers some courage and informs me that he wants our 20+ yrs marriage dissolved. I would simply GO and live somewhere in peace. I will not go to the law enforcers and try to fight in courts. With a narc, i would be a fool to that.

This is what i am thinking now. There no point left in unearthing more and more and more incriminating data.
serves no purpose for me any longer. And there is no point left in going on beseeching God and the Universe to hear my case.

I am not trying to sound like a martyr with a lost cause, I am finally waking up to Reality. I can neither fight nor win with the NH. Best other option is to take each day as it comes and let God decide what is to happen.

Thank you friends for being true and empathic friends at this forum. Your messages, posts, guidances have helped me to reach this point of thinking now. I am no longer hopping insane with revenge, hatred, wanting justice. All I can do is..be kind and understanding to anyone who is needing any help from me. I would feel blessed if i am of some use for anybody needing any help from me.

#2 Sep 7 - 2AM

lillymarch

We have similarities...

20 years together, many OW, turmoil and chaos, false accusations that I had an affair. My ex wants me back, me and his children. I loved this man with my whole being. I would have and have done everything within my power to make him happy. Nothing I could do could make him happy. When he left us for this last OW, I made friend with a 12 year younger neighbor whose wife just left him. We texted and talked but it never crossed the line. I was devastated after N left. I was in no condition to have an affair. I just had a baby for Christs sake! Anyway, they use whatever ammo they have to destroy the truth that comes out of our mouths. You are being too hard on yourself!!! Please know that they are screwed up beyond repair. If you look at normal people, we have done the best we could while dealing with psychos. Forgive yourself. Youare not to blame. And who friggin cares that you talked to a guy. Your N was f@*#ing another woman!! Several!!

#3 Sep 7 - 3AM (Reply to #10)

freaked

lillymarch, thanks a lot for

lillymarch, thanks a lot for your loving kindness, understanding, and support. The Realisation we gain is a One Way passage. Once we are out of the FOG, there is no going back. Many of the forum members have been able to flee, and some like me are still chained. I want to now feel that even my decision to wait UNTIL the NH gives the farewell handshake is a sturdy and good decision. At least in this I do not want to beat myself up. there are Circumstances and Real Considerations as to why I cannot cast the first stone into the pond. I would need to stick with my decision. Every person has unique circumstances...what can we do? we have to just work around these Givens and do what is required for staying alive. I know it is hanging on for mere Existence at least...Living Life is a luxury i cannot afford at present. The only Positive is that...i certainly have begun to stop blaming myself for evrything that took place. we have to accept that sometimes we inadvertently become Pawns in Somebody Else's Game. We must just accept that we chose the wrong person, and leave it at that. And if some like me are averse to the idea of finding a new guy... we should not be unhappy with that decision.

#4 Sep 7 - 1AM

Journey

This is good Freaked, from

This is good Freaked, from the clarity of acceptance comes new ideas. When thinking is calmed from emotional turmoil, new ideas bring new solutions. When new solutions come to us, new opportunities are possible. Opening up to new opportunities and taking action, changes our circumstance. Acceptance isn't giving up, it's allowing our souls to heal and aline with higher purpose! ((hugs))

Journey on...

#5 Sep 7 - 2AM (Reply to #8)

freaked

Journey, i feel comforted

Journey, i feel comforted with your viewpoint about acceptance not being a 'giving up' but a path for our soul to heal. so true. thank you for showing me this viewpoint.

#6 Sep 7 - 1AM

tresor2

Compassion for Yourself

In reading your post, I sense that you are very hard on yourself and that you live with many regrets. Lots of focus on what you believe you "should" have done. How about accepting yourself and your choices with compassion, self love and empathy...you did the best you could, given the situation and given your life experiences. The more abuse we suffer, the harder it is to leave and take care of ourselves. We somehow believe that we're the cause of all the problems. Well guess what; you did nothing wrong. Your situation is not a kharmic sentence; you have choices and there is help out there! The N raped you emotionally and took your soul; there is no winning with N's. I'm glad you got angry and yelled at him. Stuffing your feelings will only make you sick. You write, "and feel grateful IF nh gathers some courage and informs me that he wants our 20+ yrs marriage dissolved. I would simply GO and live somewhere in peace." How many more years do you want to continue to deprive yourself of what you deserve; to be loved unconditionally, supported and validated? Abuse is progressive and if it goes on long enough, it can kill you. Please don't allow that to happen. I undertand that financial concerns are one of the main reasons you stay but, there are many people and organizations that are there to help until you get back on your feet but, you have got to want it for yourself. Take your power back; realize that at present, you are a prisoner of your own mind and it's time to make a prison break. Why do you believe you must accept abuse and misery? I know you are suffering but know there is a way out. It starts with mindfulness and regaining love for yourself again. Why do you believe you have to suffer? When was the last time you felt happy? There is no reason to continue to be a martyr. He will not change and will continue to destroy you because that's what they do. Really work on thinking things through and you'll find that much of this isn't about N but, it's about suffering you experienced and witnessed growing up. Maybe your parents suffered and passed it on to you. I don't know but, try to get in touch with what all this suffering is about. Glad you are on this blog and sharing your thoughts and feelings.

#7 Sep 7 - 2AM (Reply to #6)

freaked

Tresor, yes, you are right in

Tresor, yes, you are right in all that you observed. I did have a traumatic childhood. My mother suffered exactly the same way I am suffering. Hence..I had decided to never get married and never have any relationship with anyone...I was so scared of life... then i reached my third decade..and got brainwashed into seeking a matrimonial shelter as i did not have a well paying job and may not have been able to support myself... my father and brother did everything possible to scare the daylights out of me. Now when i would like to step away into a wide free world... i do have a practical insecurities which cannot be waved aside. Also, i need to ensure safety for child. It is not so simple and straightforward to walk away into an unknown and later regret even more. I am working towards securing a peaceful exit. the reason i have made up my mind to never never never challenge the NH is because i know from experience that it is counterproductive. it may not be safe at all for any hasty decision. when i have ceased the snooping..i feel calmer and stronger. this is my first step.

#8 Sep 7 - 12AM

Arwen

Hi freaked. I am with you

Hi freaked. I am with you tonight and I have the same exact regrets. I should have left within one month of knowing him and now twenty years has passed and now we have these two children who have done nothing to deserve a mother who has lost her whole self to their father. but i must conclude that having had the privilege of being their mother on this earth must mean that there is a greater plan here and that they will be alright in the end. I am so with you tonight. Good to hear from you again.

#9 Sep 7 - 1AM (Reply to #4)

freaked

Arwen, good to hear from you

Arwen, i really felt good to hear from you now. You have been in my thoughts and I felt happy on reading your post of yesterday where you say we must give up our recriminations and move forward by first offering our sincere assistance to women who have just entered the gate of realization. All I am do nowadays is PRAY FOR EVERY HUMAN BEING THAT GOT TRAUMATIZED BY A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. arwen, please give HUGS to your little ones...and tell them they have a loving aunt in a faraway land who thinks about them even though she has never met them and is not even related by blood or nationality... and a bunch of flowers for you dear friend...and the fresh baked cookies :D

#10 Sep 7 - 12AM

Sunafterrain

This is a great post!

This is a good place to be. When you're just completely done, put the sword down and walk away. Ever heard that saying "They are sicker than we are smart?" It's the truth. The more you fight, the more diseased you get. Good for you.

#11 Sep 7 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

freaked

yes sunafterrain, you are so

yes sunafterrain, you are so right when you say :"They are sicker than we are smart". When some us were chosen for this kind of bizarre life experience/experiment, it is ( at least in my case), best to "put the sword down and walk away" immediately on receiving the summons. Just a sad fact. And I would be lucky if i received the exit flag. I am reeling under the fact that had it not been for the internet... i would not have known what I am dealing with...and (shudders)..God knows how much deeper in the pit i may have fallen.. I am actually very grateful to the Universe for showing me this path.

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