Addiction

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#1 Sep 2 - 5PM

gettinbetter

Addiction

Some of you may not know me but I have been on this board a long time now. This past year has been the most painful year of my entire life.

I was involved with the Narc some twenty years ago which involved alot of emotional truama. It lasted 5 years. I went on to meet my husband and began to live a normal healthy life.

until....

2 years ago when the narc resurfaced in my life and I can tell you this time around the Pain and my addiction to him has been far worse than round though this time He live miles from me. I have been completely psychologically addicted to this man for the last two years tho he quit speaking to me about 9 months ago.

I have been seeing a therapist and finally made a few months NC however I still continued to snoop but recently succumbed to the urge to make contact which of course I now regret. Every time he does something terribly hurtful. I am right back in the throes of addiction. Its almost as if my contacting him was a way of emotional cutting. My therapist has said gettinbetter you are very codependent and have a serious addiction and you have fallen into relapse. This is no different than addiction to a substance and you have to treat it as such. She said you have got to stop this. You are harming yourself. I must many times it has been compulsive.

It prompted me to get a book called How to get over your Addiction to a person. I must say it is a good read and really explains that your addiction to a person is related to childhood issues and attachment hunger almost like that of an infant. I always thought I didnt have childhood issues as my family looked like the cleavers. but since I have been on this personal journey I realize that I have had some unconscious issues with my Mother. I have always felt that the Narc was a mirror image of me. We always felt comftable with one another in a strange way what I have come to realized is we have the same abandonment issues his far deeper than mine and they have manifest differently. Mine has emerged as pretty bad codependence and his as a personality disorder.

Anyway for those that feel they are in the throes of terrible addiction. Its a good read

#2 Sep 8 - 10PM

gettinbetter

You know you have a serious

You know you have a serious problem with addiction when you are suffering withdrawls from lack of snooping. I am not kidding. Serious stuff. I am here to tell you ladies if you go back to these people even years later the trauma bond and mind control will deepen. It certainly did for me. I have had to learn that even while I was NC that snooping is still a form of contact and feeds the addiction. I read a couple of days ago that withdrawl symptoms from a psychopathic bond can sometimes be worse than heroin. I dont know if mine has been quite that bad but its been pretty bad. I havent spoken to this man in nearly a year now but I realize now that snooping was keeping me connected. My therapist said this to me some months ago but I didnt believe it. Well its true alright now that I have stopped snooping for 2 weeks I have begun to feel withdrawl symptoms again. Cold turkey sucks but its the only way out of hell. Unfortunately I had learn the hard way. I had to stop "emotionally cutting" what I dont know cant hurt me.

#3 Sep 3 - 3PM

janine

breaking free

In my former support group for sex addiction a guy once said that having started out by learning lesson no.one and gone on to the next one, we often find ourself back at lesson one. That some of us may be stuck with the 1st lesson forever. I decided this was not going to be me. I had yet to learn about patience and humility. In the long run it was the faith that had guided me through my difficult childhood that helped me now, because while healing from addiction takes willpower there is much more to it. Same as you I had that connection and understanding with my N, but I knew he was disordered and did not trust him one step of the way. He had no idea what my background was like while I knew all about his. I sensed intuitively that he would be my chance for healing, when I met him at a very low point of my life. I also knew I was projecting. My father was back. The man who had adored, needed, damaged me and loved me to pieces. I was strictly anti-dependent, keeping my distance, avoiding intimacy. Who could have been more ideal than N? It seemed like a borderline woman and male N were performing the dance of the wounded souls. I cannot tell you what relief I felt when my therapist pointed out I was definitely not that, that I was just playing the N perfectly while hiding from myself the fact that I loved him. Goldie explained so well here a while ago how we adapt such acting. On the outside I was the one playing it cool, while N with plenty of borderline traits was the dependent one. I was sexually addicted to him and back in my childhood and aware that was causing more problems than the actual relationship. Compared to what had happened back then the N was a piece of cake. I stood beside myself wondering why being strong and determined otherwise I did not leave, what a pathetic creature I had become. It took me ages to get out. I've done what healing is possible and so will you. It's a bit like a chronic disease one lives with by accepting it, taking care to not provoke any symptoms. It's good your man is not talking to you any longer.It will help you make progress. Wishing you strength, persistence and freedom.

#4 Sep 3 - 2PM

strivingforhealing (not verified)

gettinbetter- your post are my story too...

this is the single strongest addiction I have ever faced- and I have done it all- alcohol, drugs, food...He was my heroin. I went back so many times in 8 years- friends could not believe it...but each time of NC- that I always iniatated- I did not just sit and dwell in pain- I made healing my #1 priority- I went to 12 step meetings, therapy, meditation, Byron Katie..I looked inside very deeply to start to understand WHY. and it is because of my unsettling unstable childhood and the longing for a father that did not know how to really love a daughter... So even though I went back several times- I dont look at that as failure each time- I just had more to uncover, to go deeper, to reveal....and each time of NC- the healing got deeper and took hold.... I am now 3.5 months of NC and THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME. I have gotten through the critical early days of Withdrawal- yes! severe withdrawal just like getting off a drug- shakes, nausea, anxiety, depression....you can too sweetie- you have to white knuckle it some days- push through the craving - it will pass!!! I promise. sometimes it is only a matter of minutes and it passes... your story really resonated with me and I am happy to share this journey of healing with you.

#5 Sep 2 - 11PM

Hunter

You rock!! You're

You rock!! You're Gettinbetter Hunter

#6 Sep 2 - 10PM

Goldie

This all sounds familar to me

I can relate to everything you said. People outside of all of this have no idea how deep these waters lie. These issues go down to the subconscience and defy all reason. Just like any other addiction. Why would anyone continue to gravitate towards that which causes this much pain? The only possible explaination is that the core of it is not on the surface and is entwined with old issues which have long since been for the most part forgotten and resurface with the face of addiction to that very thing which we craved so many years ago yet could never obtain. This addiction to the PD is like reliving the old and expecting a different result, ah the defininiton of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The merry go round of denial. If I just go back one last time maybe this time it will be different or maybe this time I can will it to work or maybe God wants us together now. Acceptance is the key, accepting that which we cannot change. The serenity prayer. When it no longer makes any sense often it is in these times that we turn to our faith, and belief that we can be brought back to a life of calm and reason. The mirror image, I felt that as well and on many levels my encounters with the narc were the worst in my life, yet the most revealing in terms of seeing myself, my strengths and weakness on a level which few have brought out in me. Big giant hugs for you in your return to recovery. We do what we have to do, to learn what we need to learn. Sending you my love and prayers. God bless, Goldie

#7 Sep 2 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

gettinbetter

I had some withdrawl symptoms

I had some withdrawl symptoms this afternoon but I got thru it by saying some affirmations and telling myself I can do this that no one dies from this. That he has a severe personality disorder and I can't change it or control it. That iif I have any form of contact I.e text or even snooping that it will cause me deep pain. Goldie, how many times have you heard me say I think I'm the one who is borderline pd? I have recently learned that advanced codependency shares many of the same characteristics as bpd and that some believe that bpd is an extreme form of codependence. While do not harm myself physically, I somewhat self harm by emotionally cutting thru snooping and texting. This whole nightmare has uncovered an emotional landmine in me unearthing a lot of issues that have been inside of me just below the consciousness. I never could figure why this guy felt like home to me. Like my blanky. One of the first things I said after we started to become romantic was that I wanna come home. I feel like I have run away from home. He said I know I want you to come home. I see pics of you and think that's my family I loved her first. 9 days sober.

#8 Sep 3 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Goldie

Reading your post here, is like we are the same person

As Oprah always says, you go back until you "get it" until the lesson is learned. I know that this has been my path as well and that so much of the connection and issues with him had nothing to do with him. For me it has always been about old wounds, old pain, which he brought to the surface for me. So many people kept asking me, what are you doing? This makes no sense to me? Why are you allowing this? Why did you take him back? You deserve so much better? What do you see in him? He will only take you down. He does not love you. And the list goes on and on. These comments never helped me at all. Because there was something going on deep down inside of me which no one could see and even at times, I could not explain it or make any sense out of it. I believe for ME, that the reason this all happened was because I had so much unfinished business inside and old deep wounds and the only way which they could resurface and get addressed was by being with someone who was familar and reminded me of home. I too felt that with him in an odd way. I shouted out several times within the first few months with him when the pain began to get unbearable: I want my mother, I need to feel safe, I want to go home. He was like: what are you talking about? It was like I was a child again and I was being treated somewhat good and badly all at the same time and being with the narc reminded me of this and the only safe place felt like it was with my mother, who is dead. She died over 20 years ago. As all these feelings began to resurface I was forced to look at me in a way which went way beyond anything which I had ever delt with before and it was overwhelming at times. As the wounded little girl began to intergrate with the wounded adult woman I began to get to know Goldie in a way which I could have never imagined. I had to learn how to nurture myself as I had never been able to do as a child or an adult for that matter. As painful as this all is, it was what needed to happen for ME to become whole. I was not whole, I was fragmented from childhood and did not even know it until Narc came along to set me free from the bondage of people pleasing, settling for less, putting others before me, unexpressed annger and sorrow. So many old wounds and hurts. What you are describing here Getinbetter is the crux of the issue for SOME of us. Looking at our own selves is where this eventually takes us after all attempts to work it out with the narc fail us as they will because they just do not have it to give. As painful as this must be for you, Gettinbetter, I believe that you are right where you need to be, to at last be set free from this bondage of addiction and in time you will be even better than you were before the narc. My deepest prayers and love to you as you rebuilt yourself and your life in NC. God bless, Goldie

#9 Sep 3 - 2AM (Reply to #3)

ifinallygotit

i too felt a total peace and safety net in his arms

Like I was finally safe from the storm - we slept peacefully together from day one - not the normal weirdness of a new body though we were friends first..I am very codependent with a Narc mother...a scary one

#10 Sep 4 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

greengirl91

Ifinnallygotit, this is the

Ifinnallygotit, this is the exact feleing I had when I was in his arms..I never felt like I belonged or had a "home" before, but even though those times were short..I felt so peaceful and safe. Before receiving a pleasant D&D of course..and I also have a Narc mother. It`s like, I searched to fix somehow and rescue something from my childhood, and try to make it work with him. Bad move, unforcinately. I am starting to get the whole picture and understand my addiction..it`s like, I prefer this addiction instead the numbness and emptyness of my soul. But I`ll have to face my demons someday, and get rid of addiction. If you give me something, and I start to like it, inevitably in some time, I`m gonna turn it into extremes, be it jogging, eating, NOT eating, Narc, even sex I assume. Dependence and addiction, hard to start taking care of myself and nurture myself, when I have hated myself for so long. Even the relationship with N was a form of self harm, emotionally.

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