The Impossible Dream

Hi

Thinking on the drive home about our own Narc injury.

The Narc has his narc injury but our wound is emotionally inflicted and purposely. It takes a long time to realize how controlling and manipulative a Narc can be, a long time to unwrap (even in short relationships) from their spell.

One of the thoughts/feelings that came up when thinking on it was my own shame. Shame at my behavior with him, allowing him to do things to me that make me feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself for doing for my love of pleasing him.

Aren't most of members her givers? don't we try to make others' likes easier? are we not helpful? when someone says they have a bad day are we sympathetic?

do we care too much about everyone/anyone? that we are so entirely kind in our hearts it doesn't occur to us to be any different. That the reason we were so easily preyed on was because of our good and trusting nature?

the other thing that came up is the initial falling in love
the intensity of those feelings and being made to feel so special. There is something in that first strong emotional connection!! that was different than all my other relationships. We had intense passion and the Narc amps up the charm, wooing, everything and somehow you really believe the hype - that you found 'that person' that really sees you, loves you, and the connection!!! o the connection.

My 'wound' is also from witnessing him cheat on me. I know I am traumatized from that day. I always want to repress the memory, always want to avoid thinking on that day. And then worse, was that his cheating and my leaving emotionally brought me to my knees. And, when I discuss it with my therapist I get this solid mass of tension in my gut and tense up , like you are bracing yourself for a wreck right before collision.

Did he get supply that time he told me 'sorry I devastated you!"
was he sorry? could he ever know what sorry really was?
Sorry.

He couldn't of loved me and done it.
That hurts too. I know that he couldn't NOT of really loved me and cheated with a co worker on a random TUESDAY!

So there must be something about the way we fell for them, the way they convinced us so well and we felt special(did I need to feel special when I met him??), that I totally believed he loved me until that Day. I loved him everyday I was with him, and I was inlove with being inlove with him too!!! I was good to him.

I was entirely happy I was his, and he was mine,and in that world I thought it was pretty great. I had a hard time accepting he was a NArc too. This has really been one of the most difficult experiences in my life.

I would do anything to feel better. I would do anything so stop thinking about that FUCKSHIT. All I can think of now is to surrender to it and accept that he serious effed up my mind, because my mind stays focused on him, even when I try hard to distract myself my mind over and over again reminds of stupid little things!
No, he is no longer my concern, could someone please help send that memo to my brain?? My heart loves that person I fell in love with , that made me really believe and feel things that I had not before him. It was powerful.

And I know he is moving on now in his Narc World. I am going to try to hold on to the good / best parts of me so that when I see him I can muster up the strength to wish him well. Because me still being me, being kind is what I most want back. I don't want to be bitter and angry.