The Cycle

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#1 Aug 31 - 5PM

prettypeeved

The Cycle

This is how it worked for me, until I'd had enough:

1. Narc is all nice and friendly. We get on well, we have some fun, we (apparently) bond.
2. Facts about Narc start to look suspiciously exaggerated or outright fiction. Bond looks suspiciously one-sided.
3. Narc starts playing mind games and evading attempts to determine the truth.
4. I get increasingly angry.
5. A point is reached where I begin to think of abandoning the Narc and moving on.
6. Narc seems to sense this, and D&Ds.
7. I am "put on the naughty step" and "given a time out" for about 3 months, until I learn to "behave".
8. It hurts to be abandoned and rejected, so when he returns, he is forgiven for his behaviour, and I try to forget it and move on.
9. Go to step 1.

I'm glad to be rid of this crap.

#2 Sep 1 - 1PM

Used

YOU HAVE JUST DESCRIBED MY

YOU HAVE JUST DESCRIBED MY FIRST AND LAST FUCK UP WITH NARC...HE TOOK A WOMENS PHONE NUMBER WHILE I WAS SITTING WITH HIM...I LOOKED AT HIM AS HE WAS MUMMERING WHAT NAME SHALL I CALL HER...I SAID SAME NAME AS YOU ARE IN HERS ANYBODYS..... THAT EARNED ME 5MNTHS OF SILENCE...AND EVEN DONE ME A FAVOR COS I THOUGHT WHEN I EVENTUALLY GET OUT OF THIS FOR GOOD[TOOK ANOTHER FEW YEARS]...I WILL NEVER THINK THIS MUCH OF ANY ONE AGAIN[OUTSIDE MY FAMILY] I WILL NEVER LET MY SELF BE TAKEN IN AGAIN.....BUT THAT HAS NOW COME TO PASS...I THANK GODXXX THAT WAS AMAZING WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN ...XXXXX HAVE TO SAY...THEY CAN ONLY DO IT COS WE LET THEM...I SEE MY NARC A LOT...I ALWAYS THINK OF THAT 5MNTHS AND HOW I FELT...AND HOW IMPORTANT I MUST HAVE MADE HIM FEEL..THAT HE CAME BACK LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED... I HAVE JUST THOUGHT OF THIS THO...WHEN HE CAME BACK HE KEPT SAYING HOW LONG WAS I AWAY WAS IT 3/4/5/6 MNTHS[PATHETIC SLAG] I KEPT SAYING I DONT KNOW HOW LONG[I DID TO THE DAY AND TIME] HE SAID IT AGAIN ,SO HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN GONE I SAID LONG ENOUGH TO LOSE ME EMOTIONALLY...IT WAS GETTING AWAY PHSICALLY THAT TOOK THE LONGESTXX

#3 Sep 1 - 12PM

Goldie

I love it, Pretty

This is outstanding. Go back to step 1, WTF. We need to post this on here somewhere permanently. You have summed it up brilliantly. God bless, Goldie

#4 Sep 1 - 12PM

LuckySpurs

The time-out

Holy cow! They should all be rounded up and put on an island together! You mention on step #7 that the narc then gives you a "time-out" for about 3 months...... Lol! Same thing here with my female narc friend. They are so predictable once you know what's wrong with them. After my former best friend D&D'd me after she saw that I was backing away from the "friendship". She actually told me to "have a nice life", as in I wouldn't see her again because I've "been a bad friend". (Thank God!) But about 3 months later, after I have moved to a different city she texts me and asks for my address so that she can send me pictures of us that she found. I, of course, didn't want any pictures of her because I had already gotten rid of the ones I did have. I texted back "F*** off!". This prompted a whole new smear campaign to be launched against me. But since I am a normal person per se, with the capacity for empathy, I started feeling like I had been too harsh with her and I had heard about the new rumors she was spinning too. I wrote her an email telling her that I knew about the rumors and to stop and that I was sorry for my actions, as well. She never apologized, NEVER EVER apologized for her part in this matter because that way she can appear to be the one that was "attacked" by me and she feels she is entitled to treat me the way she did without remorse. She's sick in the head. They're all sick in the head.

#5 Sep 1 - 12PM

Deidre40

Well said. I ended things

Well said. I ended things with mine. He's permanently on the naughty step. lol I like how you worded that. Re: d&d and the silent treatment. Someone on here, forgive me I don't recall the name ...said...''he started the silent treatment, and I finished it.' I thought that was brilliant! He may have put you on the naughty step, but you're choosing to get up and walk away. ;)

#6 Sep 1 - 12PM (Reply to #21)

Used

I THINK THAT WAS ME.ABOUT MY

I THINK THAT WAS ME.ABOUT MY NARCS I SAID,THEY STARTED IT I FINISHED IT...

#7 Aug 31 - 9PM

rosedewittbukater

Add a dose of projection

Add a good does of projection somewhere around step 7 and this was it for me.

#8 Aug 31 - 9PM

CaminoReal

Prettypeeved

"Behave" was the exact same word mine used on me. If I asked too many questions, if I caught him contradicting himself, or expected him to be accountable...I was told to behave, or told to "just relax and enjoy the time we have together" .

#9 Aug 31 - 8PM

dazedandcnonfused

I have been on the fence if

I have been on the fence if mine was a narc or not. But your steps is EXACTLY what mine does to me:( I am currently on the naughty list and having my time out I guess. Because I dared to tell him how I felt.... He is refusing to have any kind of communication with me. I so desperately want to get strong and go NC but it hurts me so deeply that I can be discarded in this way. Thanks for you post! It really is a game to them and I want out of the game!!!!

#10 Aug 31 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

Caligirl

dazedandconfused

Whether he is a N, abuser (cycle of abuse) or whatever doesn't matter.I was always to blame too. It hurts to be discarded, but I hope you can find the strength too. I only did after a horrible d&d. What he did to me when he devalued me was cruel and so hurtful to my spirit. So, either you will get tired of the games on your own and get out or have to see the final unmasking and then get out after you're d&d'd worse than before. I was just talking to my friend about the games. Mine was the master of games. I played them well, but I'm no match for him, bc he is ruthless. He kicked me when I was down (emotionally). He dealt a cruel blow, and then another. I was crying, and he kept on. Smirked, sadistic twinkle in his eye, sarcastic tone, and complete indifference to me. I was invisible, except he still tried to have sex. After that, I had barely anything left, but I found something inside that literally motivated me to pack, call movers, and get away when he was gone. I left with what little dignity he hadn't stripped yet. I hope you don't wait. It will be the toughest thing ever! It was and is the hardest thing I've ever done! I miss who he used to be, the pretend guy, so much, it hurts. I was crying today.

#11 Sep 1 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

dazedandcnonfused

Caligirl

I am glad you found the courage to leave. I live in a separate state from my ex so getting away from him is never the issue. For me it is trying to feel close to him being so far away.

#12 Sep 1 - 3PM (Reply to #17)

Caligirl

Thanks, dazed

Except once I got back, I had regret for leaving, bc I didn't get real closure, like one last conversation (or fight, he doesn't have conversations). My N and I started LD, then I moved there, so I know what you mean about getting close.

#13 Aug 31 - 7PM

Caligirl

Wow, that's it in a nutshell!

So helpful to see it like this!! I would like to add that with mine, Step 8 did NOT contain an apology. I was just expected to forgive and get over it. Thanks for this.

#14 Sep 1 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

prettypeeved

Yeah I should have said

Yeah I should have said something to make that clearer - he never apologised, you were just expected to forgive him ANYWAY. I've ended up using that as a sort of "lock" - I will consider bothering with him again the day he apologises and means it. Since the odds of him doing that are zero, he's locked himself out of my life.

#15 Aug 31 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

dazedandcnonfused

Yeah, I never get an apology

Yeah, I never get an apology because afterall it is always my fault. I have issues and it is always all me that causes the problems!

#16 Aug 31 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

monilove

Dazedandconfused

Are you by any chance dating a man in San Diego? All of these postings and comments sound like my ex,, but yours is dead on. Please let me know if you are, as I'm almost positive it is the same man! To other posters: I NEVER got an apology either. He would call me the most horrific names and have raging fits, then tell me "I made him behave that way". He never took responsibility for anything and blamed me for everything. He also pretended nothing ever happened. Like you all, he would tell me I have issues and I need to chill out. On all 4 of my birthdays he was present for, he never took me out or bought me a gift. Not a card, a flower or even a box of candy. He said he would not reward "my" bad behavior. He put me on time-outs all the time. This was usually when I would press him for a genuine answer or when I would try and hold him accountable for his actions. Asshole! Loser! Monique

#17 Sep 1 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

prettypeeved

Do you mean me? I'm a Brit

Do you mean me? I'm a Brit :-)

#18 Aug 31 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

Journey

We all have issues!

Issues with NARCS!! I don't remember getting an apology EVER about the worst of the abusive offenses. He was always right, I had to change my attitude, perspective, expectations... oh I had issues alright! If he hadn't been such a non-empathetic, self aggrandizing, demanding everything was on his terms, using me to further his OWN agenda NARC - those 'issues' would have NOT existed!

Journey on...

#19 Aug 31 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

Susan32

You're always right&I'm always wrong because you're the teacher

I remember saying the above in a *VERY* sarcastic voice during the final D&D. It was what the ex-Psych prof's father terms "motherese." It's that high-pitched voice mothers use with their very young children... I use it with my 2 year old nephew, so the ex-P was my practice run! When I read that the ex-P's father said that that tone of voice is *ANNOYING* (in a study he penned).... I could only chuckle in agreement. It was as comforting as nails on a chalkboard. I'd do the contemptuous eye roll. My eyes would glaze over. The tone of voice I use with my 2 year old nephew... the ex-P got the special sneak preview. He heard it first. It was towards the end of the final D&D that the ex-P apologized for some trivial things. His apologies were flaccid, and I'd grudgingly accept them. I wasn't exactly overflowing with gratitude when he apologized. So I kinda reflected his behavior back onto him. He DID get a taste of his own medicine.

#20 Aug 31 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

needing2know

Yeah me too, so your not

Yeah me too, so your not alone I have issues too lol they can go suck shit!

#21 Aug 31 - 7PM

StudentOfLife

They are SO EVIL! I have

They are SO EVIL! I have been in Step 7 for a little over 2 1/2 months, and last week he decided to contact me. He wanted to "talk about us and anything else that 'comes up'."..... It is so hard not to give in b/c i miss the fictitious good him, the person who i believed was my best friend, who i did everything with.... but i know once i get to Step 8.... the cycle repeats. So... working really hard at staying strong and breaking the cycle!!

#22 Aug 31 - 5PM

coffeeaddict66

May I add.....

Steps 2 and 3 are a direct result of what was going on during step 7 of the previous cycle. EXACTLY!!! Cycle, Rinse, Repeat. Coffee

#23 Sep 1 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

uk lady

May I also add

They are always willing to talk, just not at the same time as you. There is always something more important he has to do - maybe some time next week or the week after scenario. I reached the stage where talking it through just wasn't worth it anymomre and I was just so fed up with the whole charade. And then talk is all they ever really do because whatever they promise will never come to fruition. I decided to finally walk away and concentrate my energies into something more worthwhile - ME. He can keep my stuff if it means that much to him because I'm not playing the cat and mouse game anymore. Dx

#24 Sep 1 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

prettypeeved

If I wanted to talk about how

If I wanted to talk about how *I* felt about what had happened, I was told "this really isn't about you."

#25 Sep 2 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

uk lady

Mine was a little more subtle

He would not actually say "this really isn't about you" but somehow turn the conversation back round to him in any event. Once I became more aware of his tricks, I once said something like, "so, we finished that conversation have we and we've moved back to you again?" - talk about if looks could kill. In our last conversation (read slanging match) he actually said "it's always about you". WTF - I was speakless. PP - the cycle is spot on. Good job!! Dx

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