Still trying to process this

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#1 Aug 25 - 7PM

bekkib73

Still trying to process this

It's been 25 days since I threw him out of our house. In counseling a several months ago my counselor told me she thought he had narc qualities because he has this ability to turn me being upset with him around to making me feel like the jerk.

Then we went to couples counseling together. There has always been this "friend" he had (female) that I never was quite comfortable with. Well she'd been posting on his FB page more and more while we were in counseling and always put xoxox and hearts. It was a problem for me. It had been an issue for me our entire 2 1/2 year relationship, but was never really in the forefront until recently.

Long story short - counselor called him out and said she thought he wasn't being honest, that there was more to his "friendship" than he was letting on.

A few days later, for the first time in our relationship, while he was a work, I looked at his computer. He was logged in on FB and there were the messages to her. Of a "not just friends" nature.

I am destroyed. I honestly believed he was my forever. I've opened up and been the real me more than I ever have with another person. He treated me so wonderfully (except when I got upset with him, then he turned it around on me). Was romantic, fun and the love of my life.

My counselor said his is narc. And after looking at a few different narc websites, they define him perfectly. So I'm struggling with reconciling this in my heart and brain.

Until last night I haven't been able to understand why I am completely unable to resist from pouring my heart out to him in emails. From obsessively checking his FB page. He tells me in emails he's "this close" to wanting to come home. But keeps telling me that "this is for the best" and "something had to change"

I'm really happy I found this site. But am still trying to process that I've been emotional abused by this man whom I am still in love with.

Sorry that I rambled. I didn't even think I'd be able to type anything when I hit "create post"

#2 Aug 27 - 9AM

onwithmylife

my suggestion

is to read everything you can get your hands on about NPD, some great books out there, good websites as well stay on this board, get good therapy if need be to process it all out, and you will in time process everything. WE all want to believe he is the person we first met and fell in love with, sad to say it is the mask of sanity to cover up the insanity of the man/woman.Hang in there, it will be a bumpy and long ride!!I will never forget when he got so hateful and spiteful to me over the phone after 15 years and i even said who are you? I did not know the man anymore after all those years, unbelievable.THIS is the REAL man. remember that.

#3 Aug 26 - 5PM

bekkib73

I know I have to stop having

I know I have to stop having contact with him. Right now we are in the process of moving out of a rental house and there are some business matters that we have to handle. I do keep getting sucked in. I do want him back. I know I'm not supposed to, but this is all still really new. I'm still trying to convince myself that he isn't an N, and that there's something I can do or say that will just make our relationship back to the way it was. I feel like a freakin' train wreck. This is part of an email from him: "I'm still struggling with what I did.. am i blowing something amazing and special with us? Will I wake up? I have to stick to it though.. as much as I miss you and love you. I act tough but think it might be hard for me to see you right now too. I just hope that our friendship will come through in the end." I am going to have to spend quite a bit of time on this site and reading the book. I think I am still in denial that this is really happening and that he's not the man I thought he was.

#4 Aug 26 - 1AM

Done sourcing

My exwn called me this late

My exwn called me this late afternoon. I didn't answer. I learned that here. She left a message. I listened. She said "I called to tell you something. But now I'm not gonna. I wanted to tell you this, but now I won't." That is the kind of shit narcs do. We have been divorced since October. Normal x's don't leave messages like narcs do. My x used to say all the time that she couldnt close the door on him or on me. She had a boyfriend, while married to me. People do that kind of stuff when something is wrong. And lots of things, different things, can be wrong. I certainly wasn't perfect. Nor was she. What i learned here is that narcs are disordered in a way that can't be fixed. And thats true even if they want to be cured. And most narcs, probably all, don't want it. And I think part of their therapy and recovery would almost require being out of relationship for a long time. What narc would ever do that. Alot of non-narcs cant even do that. Who says "I'm this close to wanting to come home."??? That means he will come home if she doesn't work out and if it makes the most sense to him. But understand that coming home to him means that your place will be his base of operations, because the only thing that has to change for a narc is the amoount of supply any one person can give them. It gets old supplying an empty one way selfish narc. My narc cheated on me because ( my best guess only, cause I really don't know) I quit adoring and co-signing her crap. I stayed because we had a kid, and I had made my peace with the fact that I was married to a fractured soul. My exwn isn't really any crazier today than she was for most of the marriage. Did I mention that the first few months were alot of fun. Isn't it interesting how long some of us remember the early times so vividly. It might be because there is so much about the long tedious part we would like to forget, and pretend didn't happen. Take your time processing this. We all have to go through it. Read, post, snivel and whine...we all do who want to heal. Study NC, because that is where freedom hides. Another irony that we want to resolve and clear with the narc. Probably the only two things they can never really do. Too selfish to resolve...too f'd up to ever really be clear. Another irony is that they appear so powerful, yet are so very weak. Another is that some of us here ( me anyways) start this process so weak, wishy washy and humiliated...and grow and strengthen and become free. Sorry you got stuck with a narc. That won't change no matter what yu do. But be thankful you found out, and that there is a solution that works. Welcome to the site!!! ds

#5 Aug 26 - 1AM (Reply to #10)

bekkib73

I was so strong when I met

I was so strong when I met him. He really was the icing on my cake. I was, for the first time in my life, dating. Out there not needing a relationship. I think that made me fall even harder for him. Because I believed I didn't need him. He was the very non-obvious abuser. He brought me flowers all the time, made me breakfast. I felt like we were very close and intimate. It was all part of his act though, I'm learning. It was so real for me. I've never been this close, intimate and real with anyone in my life, and he was the least real person I've ever known. This is so hard to come to terms with. He told me that he and his "friend" could "stop the inappropriate behavior" but that she would always be in his life. I don't understand how he can pick this woman who has a live in boyfriend also, over our relationship. It's just so difficult to understand. Now that I know he's a narc, I'm beginning to understand, but it's still really difficult. I can't stop checking his Facebook. I hope that he will email me. How did I get this weak? I lost my virginity to rape when I was almost 17. Now I've been raped again. At a level that might be even more difficult to recover from. :(

#6 Aug 26 - 7AM (Reply to #12)

agnesmurphy17

Rape of the Mind

This is the name of a book written by a psychiatrist in the late 1950's concerning what happened to the prisoners of war in Korea & the Nazi concentration camps. These N men use the same techniques as used in political brainwashing. I think you are very lucky to have found the FB e-mails. I hope you printed them out? Do not show them to him. Just keep them for yourself to remind you what a chump he is. It is very difficult to get over this kind of deception & abuse. This is trauma -- ie the loss of control. Also, it is an injury to the sense of one's self. The belief in one's own abilities to navigate one's own life.

#7 Aug 26 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

bekkib73

Oh he saw them. I printed

Oh he saw them. I printed the emails out and left them with my engagement ring and a note for him to find another place to live.

#8 Aug 27 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

agnesmurphy17

BRAVO!

Priceless! But, why do you write above that you still want him? Why do you want anybody who would treat you so badly?

#9 Aug 26 - 1AM (Reply to #11)

Done sourcing

Once you are back in your

Once you are back in your right mind you won't want anything to do with him. Write that out 20 times, lol. Start a journal and write it all out. Yo will see what you need to see. If like me, at the beginning of the recovery, a part of you still thinks in terms of getting them back. That will go away. You are lucky he made his disorder so obvious so soon. He loves that you tell him waht you feel. Stop telling him anything as soon as possible. It fills him up with power, gives him supply, and he loves the attention you give him. Understand the mask he wore, and is now wearing with the other woman. This narc will never have your back, he just wanted your adoration, and he got it. Why do you want to be in a realtionship with a person who started the innapropriate behavior. That is the issue. He started the affair. The issue is that, plain and simple. Is that trust ever going to return...answer with a narc is no. If you got him back, what the hell would you do with him? ds

#10 Aug 26 - 12AM

lillymarch

I know the pain you're feeling.

I too thought my husband was my forever. I was in love, through thick or thin, through sickness and health. I had his children! When he lost his job (because he took a longer vacation then approved. And it was a vacation without me and the kids) I started working. I took care of everything. He had many innaproprite relationships with woman. His job gave him access to lots if people so I never questioned, just figured that he made friends easily. I loved this man. The affair that I found out about was devastating for me. The pain horrendous. It took me about six months to come out of the deep depression. I searched his email and found other 'affairs' with woman. Then I searched the Internet, read, and continued to take care of myself. You can do this. Do you want someone who treats you this way? No! Try to acknowledge the feelings that you are having but then think logically about this. You don't want him. There is a happiness and peace waiting for you beyond this glitch of a man. I'm 9 months out of kicking him out and all I can say is that I wish I had done it sooner! I can see all the red flags that lead me back to the beginning of the relationship. It does get better and tremendously so! I'm much healthier, happier, and am enjoying finding myself again. Hugs to you

#11 Aug 26 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

bekkib73

I feel so utterly and

I feel so utterly and completely stupid for missing the red flags. I'm stuck in a place between not being able to reconcile who he really is with who my heart believes him to be. I don't know how to overcome that. Time?

#12 Aug 26 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

spinning

bek, don't feel bad

or stupid. He's the dumb one for treating you so poorly that he'll never ever have you again. They're master manipulators...like agnes says...even trained professionals are fooled by them. He chose you because of your strength. All that early idealization is part of their deal when they latch on to something great. I know you want to rush this, but you also know that it takes time. That's good that you understand that. I'm here to tell you that the way you are feeling right now does not last forever. The more NC time under your belt (please, please please consider staying NC including not reading or sending emails or looking at his FB) the more clearly you see the TRUTH. And the reality is he's a liar and a cheater who is more than willing to work out his issues and play his games ON YOUR TIME. Bek, that STOPS NOW. He'll have to figure out his crap on his own time and quit wasting yours. Read all you can on this forum and continue to post or write out your feelings. It really is key (that's why it's one of the steps) because you can see the truth in black and white and you also release these things and move on to the next hurdle. This guy's a real tool, bek. Trust me when I say you don't need him. You will be so glad you found out what you did and didn't waste more time (I sacrificed six years to a lying, cheating, manipulating, truly deeply disordered FREAK). Feel good about yourself for knowing what you know and for having the strength to face it and work through the pain. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO LONGER AN OPTION. THE SICK FREAK TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE ME DOWN!

spinning

#13 Aug 26 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

agnesmurphy17

Don't feel stupid!

Now, I left mine. He knew I was going, I told him. So he looked for a replacement. The day before I moved out, he had his first date with my replacement. A woman we met a few months earlier at a dinner party. She was another guest. She is a psychiatrist. No kidding. This psychiatrist knew my N had just been left by his wife. Nevertheless, she entered an instant relationship with him. In 3 weeks they were travelling in the Carribean. At the 4 month mark she moved into the house I still co-owned with my husband. She opened the door for me when I moved my possessions out. I had been locked out of the house I owned & I was not permitted to collect my possessions (typical N behavior). I was very nice to her when I was there. And I thought -- "Oh you think you know ALL ABOUT ME. Nope! I know all about you & your dismal future." Only 10 months after she moved in with him, she ran out screaming at 3:00 am in her PJs. He locked her out of the house immediately. It took her 4 months to collect all her worldly goods & when she did they were damaged & plundered & robbed--in retailation for the RO. She missed so much time at work that she was fired. but she had to because all she had was a pair of PJ & sneakers--she had to purchase underwear, clothes, shoes, etc. Everything was locked in his house. Mine is a tenured university professor. he's very good at wearing the mask of sanity. So, don't feel stupid. if a psychiatrist can be fooled by one of these guys -- you can too. I know all this because she contacted me after she left him. And, then she saw his e-mails to me. While she was with him & they were so in love -- he was writing reconciliation e-mails to me. So even after she had left him, she still had no idea the depths of his manipulation, lies & depravity. And I filled her in on stuff & she filled me in & we were able to reveal even more lies than either knew. And then we met his first ex-wife & compared even more stories. Scary stuff. So, please, do not feel stupid.

#14 Aug 25 - 9PM

megamillion

Hi Bekkib

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry you're dealing with such pain, confusion and betrayal. Please read, read, read, and "open your mind" to the things your counselor has been saying. I have not yet been able to go to therapy but I know that my (mutual) friends and family were using all the words to describe NPD (selfish, "not right," "that sounds abusive") - I just couldn't/didn't want to "hear" it. Also, take time to recognize and articulate your feelings of frustration and anger. I say this because it has taken me a long time to realize I am angry at my exN and the way she manipulated things to take control. He is CONTROLLING you and your circumstances, your decision, by saying "this is for the best" and "something had to change." My exN said the EXACT SAME WORDS verbatim and also flipped everything into my fault, blamed me. I was distraught and powerless against those words, especially because in my case decision was made without my input, with discussion and without trying to work on the relationship (like a normal, communicative relationship). KEEP READING and get it out here - I'm not the best yet at sharing and I'm realizing how much I am still blaming myself. So, I'd like to emphasize to you: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. N's are hardwired and cannot change. It is not a reflection on you. This is a complicated and confusing process - be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn more. HUGS xxx Mega

#15 Aug 25 - 8PM

Redhead1

All I can say is WoW, he has

All I can say is WoW, he has some nerve. What an ego to even say such a thing. He is just playing games with you, get out. You have already seen the best(a fake with a mask on) of him. Whats to come will only get worse. You deserve more! Be strong, you can do it. HUGS

#16 Aug 25 - 8PM

juliamarie

It's going to take a while to process

Agh....I can already tell he sucks! I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I can honestly say that knowing the truth about his FB activity is a blessing. At least you know what you're dealing with now. No one can tell you what to do...but, clearly this isn't a good situation. I hope you never let him come home because even your therapist thinks he's a Narc. I doubt this makes you feel any better, but my N had a serious FB addiction, and I knew he was talking to other females. To what extent, I never found out, but I did know that he was extremely protective of his computer and phone. It doesn't matter now, but I started to hate FB. Saying prayers for you during this tough time. It will get better! Hugs! JM

#17 Aug 25 - 8PM

Hunter

Bek

:( Ummm. Welcome to Narvcville!! I'm so sorry! Stay here with us! We understand and we know how you feel! "this close""" WTF?? How dare he! you deserve sooooooooo much better! Let his little lovie dovie have him!! Trust me what goes around comes around. Right now it feels pretty bad but the more time that passes the better you will feel. I bet you are amazing and I bet he's a low life leach! Stand strong you are #1 Hunter

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