Question........having a hard time

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 19 - 9PM

sara-smile

Question........having a hard time

I've moved on from the Narc. I'm staying NC and it's not difficult to do anymore. It's just how it is now instead of a fight to keep myself from talking to him. I know there will never be a me and him again. I know he's sick and will never ever change. I get it now. It took a long time and months of support from this board but I GET IT.

I got some horrible news Thursday. My mom has been in remission from bone cancer for about 6 months. She had a follow up scan last week and we found out Thursday it has spread into her lymph nodes, her chest and her abdomen. It's not good and she's got a long hard road ahead of her. My family is devastated and we are still trying to come to grips with it.

5 minutes after I found out the Narc called and made things worse as usual. I didn't say a word to him and hung up on him but it was harder this time. I wanted the man with the mask to say "it's going to be OK". He called again on his way to work this morning and I didn't answer but it's been on my mind all day. It seems like now that I'm so upset all the time about my mom the pain with the Narc is coming back full force. I thought all of that was gone. I haven't hurt like this in a long time. I have been angry but the gut wrenching pain is back. WHY??? Can somebody please explain this to me?? If he were in my life he would only make things so much worse! I don't understand it and I want it to go away. I have too much to focus on and deal with to have to deal with all of this garbage too! Why now?

If you pray please keep my Mom in your prayers. She is my ROCK and it kills me to think of the pain she is going to have to go through to fight this cancer.

I'm so confused about what is going on in my head. Any insight would be appreciated!

Hugs!

Sara

#2 Aug 21 - 10AM

Amazed

We tend to miss them in the beginning

We tend to miss them more, especially in the beginning, when we have trigger moments, such as when we get down or depressed about something, especially when we are struggling because that is when we typically went to them or they "consoled" us. Truth is, there is no consolation from them, they are only keeping you weak, and from being strong yourself. They lie, cheat, distract, hurt, manipulate, con, exploit, stay away. Even when you are hurting, do not talk to them. Do not turn to them, there is no solace. Yes, it is hard, it is difficult, find another go to place, the book store, a good friend, go for a walk, reach out to someone else. Be clear, be strong for you, your family.

#3 Aug 20 - 8PM

Done sourcing

Sara-smile, I am sorry your

Sara-smile, I am sorry your family, and especially your Mom, has to fight the fight again. What a tremendous amount of stress for you to deal with. When indifference hasn't happened yet, it is natural for one situation to bleed into another, as I am sure you know. I am so proud of you that you now realize that he would just make it worse (and of course it would be all about him). I think we will understand it only after we have truly gotten past it. That experience will be awesome and so liberating. I get impatient with myself for not being better and more healed all the time. I am very hard on myself sometimes. Its like flies. I have learned to keep the screens on, and keep the doors closed. But the fly keeps making it inside sometimes, and always at the most annoying times. It buzzes around my ears and lands on my feet, and as I thrash about it veers back and forth. I hate flies. Then I complain about how unfair it is that after all I have to flyproof my house, they still come in. But I know that the flies are just behaving like flies should. The moral to the story is I married a Narcfly, and although I divorced her and moved on, she will always be a fly, and do what flies do! That might be the actual understanding that is necessary to heal. Bless you sara-smile, and Bless your family! ds

#4 Aug 20 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

sara-smile

Done Sourcing

You have such a way with words and you ALWAYS make me feel better! I too get impatient with myself and I beat myself up a lot. I've been on this site since February and even though I'm a million times better I still don't feel like I'm where I should be. Maybe if our Narcs would just leave us the hell alone it would be easier! Your Narcfly is as annoying as mine! Wouldn't you like to take a fly swatter and smack them? LOL!! :) I've missed talking to you my friend! I hope everything is going OK with you. Hugs to you! Sara

#5 Aug 20 - 7PM

juliamarie

I'm SO sorry...

I hate hearing that about your mom. Please know I am sending prayers to you and your family. With regard to your additional pain, I'm not really sure why, but I have had that happen before. It seems like when one wound opens up again, the flood of emotions of other wounds compound the issue. Plus, you really wish your exN was there to hold your hand through this. I hate that he has decided to resurface during this time when you're already struggling with your mom's illness. Please stay strong and hang in there. You don't need him to help you through this. He ultimately would torture you more at some point...and you certainly don't need that on top of everything else going on in your life. You can handle this. You are a strong woman! We are all here for you! Hugs and LOTS OF PRAYERS! JM

#6 Aug 20 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

sara-smile

juliamarie

Thank you for the prayers! My family and I appreciate it more than you know. I do wish my Narc was here to help me through and hold me when I get upset. I wish the PRETEND guy was here and he wasn't pretend or fake. If we were still together he would be so supportive for about 10 minutes and then it would be all about him and he would bitch and whine about me being gone so much to take care of my mom or visiting my mom. Selfish bastard! If he keeps hoovering I am going to snap again and cuss and scream at him. I hope I can control myself. He would LOVE that attention. You are right.....I can handle this and I have my friends and family to help me when I fall. My mom is incredibly strong and if anybody can kick cancer's butt it's her! I will focus on my Mom and do whatever it takes to pull her through. If the Narc comes around I will ignore him because he is absolutely NOTHING to me. My priorities have been jerked back into place and he is NOT a priority. He is a sick and twisted selfish bastard. Thank you again juliamarie for the prayers. Sara

#7 Aug 20 - 1PM

RubyWoo

I soooo understand your

I soooo understand your pain... First of all I'm really sorry about your mum and I'll keep her in my prayers and good vibes. My dad is currently terminal with brain cancer so I understand the excruciating pain. I also relate to needing the good guy to come hold you in his arms and say "baby it will be fine". I'm finding it soooo hard because I need comfort during this time and I'm finding even more pain coming my way. I don't really know what to say to make it better, as I'm struggling myself... but I'm here if you need someone to listen :) Stay close to your mum and give her lots of love!

#8 Aug 20 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

sara-smile

So sorry Ruby

I'm so sorry about your Dad Ruby. I will keep him in my prayers when I'm praying for my Mom. Yes it would be nice to have a companion that could understand and hold us during this awful time. My friends have been amazing through all of this and I will hold on to them and my family. The man with the MASK could have made things better but he didn't exist and I remember that every time I think I need to hear him say "it will be OK" He just adds misery to an already miserable situation. I'm sorry your struggling and I understand where you are. I'm here if you need me. PM me anytime. Please keep me updated on your dad. Sara

#9 Aug 20 - 11AM

Used

sara-smile

SUCH TERRIBLE NEWS...YOUR POOR MOTHER..AND THE REASON WE WANT THESE USELESS MEN AT TIMES LIKE THIS, HAS NOW BEEN ANSWERED FOR ME...THE PAIN IS FAMILIER TO US...AT LEAST I KNOW NOW...I WAS ALWAYS CURIOUS WHY I FELT A NEED FOR HIM WHEN TROUBLE STRUCK[KNOWING HE WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME WHEN WE WERE FRIENDS]ALWAYS PUZZLED ME...NOW I KNOW I CAN HOPEFULLY MOVE ON FROM THAT AS WELL.....GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

#10 Aug 20 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

sara-smile

Used

Sunafterrain had a great answer didn't she! It makes perfect sense and something I'd never thought of! It is familiar and when we are hurting so bad we want something familiar! The bad part is that if we acted on that it would only make the situation a million times worse! Staying away from him right now is going to be so important. He will just use my pain and tears against me to get what HE wants. Thanks used! Sara

#11 Aug 20 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

Used

YES

THANK YOU AND SUNAFTERRAIN....THE TIMES SOMETHING HAPPENED AND I WANTED HIM ...MY MOTHER..OR NARC WOMEN FRIEND....YOU CANNOT KNOW SUNAFTERRAIN WHAT A LOAD THIS IS OFF MY MIND...COS ABOUT 2WEEKS AGO, SOMETHING HAPPENED AND I IMMEDIATLY THOUGHT OF HIM[I DIDNT WANT HIM OR TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM]BUT I THOUGHT WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT COME FROM...AND IF IT WAS JUICY HIM AND NARC WOMEN COULDNT WAIT TO HEAR IT...BUT A SOLUTION FROM THEM NO WAY...I TOLD THEM BOTH THEY LIVED THRU ME...I DIDNT RELIZE UNTIL NOW...HOW TRUE THAT WAS....I AM GOING TO HAVE A THINK BACK NOW TO WHEN I WAS STILL FRIENDS WITH THEM...LOL...HOPE I DONT WIND MY SELF UP..

#12 Aug 20 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

sara-smile

Used

Don't wind yourself up thinking about it! It's just not worth it!! Think about yourself and how much better things are without them in your life!!

#13 Aug 19 - 11PM

Sunafterrain

Sara

It's interesting that your narc called you during this time. i wonder if they can somehow sense when the time is ripe for them to go into predator mode. Right now is a really important time for you to follow through and stay strong in your NC. I completely understand how you're feeling and the phenomenon in wanting to reach out to our ex's is one that floors me too. Another subject for another study for another time, but I do think it has something to do with pain and trauma. I often wonder if during the most stressful times we find ourselves in, if we think of our ex's most or want them back to us because it is FAMILIAR stress=narc. When things are going well in our lives and we feel strong, we don't want them around, right, once the healing has commenced and we see them for who they are. I wonder if there is a correlation. Having said that, it's going to be SO important for you to gather support for yourself, as well as defining what your role will be in your mother's illness. My mother passed from cancer and while I hope your mother will survive this round, it's a very complicated painful situation full of stressful dynamics. There are groups online as well as in the community for those family members who have a loved one ill with cancer. If there is a hospice in your area, please give them a call and they can and will assist you in finding a group to help support you through this time. You'll find meaning in those groups and new friendships that can provide the emotional support you need, as you travel through all of this. Hospice is wonderful for community outreach programs for patients and their families. I will be praying for you, your mother and your family.

#14 Aug 20 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

sara-smile

Sunafterrain I think you are right!!!

I swear he has like a 6th sense or something. He does that A LOT! I think he does the devil's work or something. It freaks me out. How does he KNOW???! Or is it just good timing on his part and bad timing on mine! What you said about us wanting to reach out to the Narc during stressful times makes so much sense!! I hadn't thought of it that way but you are right!!! It probably is just a familiar feeling. Craziness/pain/stress = NARC! That makes me feel better and not like I'm losing my mind as much. I'm sorry about your Mom. I can't imagine anything worse than losing your Mom. That's why this is so damn hard. The thoughts of her being sick from chemo, losing her hair and possibly not making it is eating me up inside. I'm being strong for her on the outside though. Positive thinking is so important. Thank you so much for your answer and thank you SO MUCH for keeping my mom and my family in your prayers. Hugs to you! Sara

#15 Aug 19 - 10PM

Hunter

Sara

It seems when the shit hits the fan!, narc is where we want to go! Just because you now know what you know doesn't mean the memory of the good is gone! I know for me, I thought he was my best friend! Little did I know he was gathering ammunition to fire back at D&D time! There is that tiny part of us that misses our best friend! :( that said our best friend was a big fat phony, Stay strong, your mom is on my top prayer list. Hunter

#16 Aug 20 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

sara-smile

Hunter

Yeah....I thought he was my BF too and he turned out to be nothing but pain and chaos! Lying bastards! They could win an academy award for their performances! Thank you for the prayers! Love you! Sara

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