Mediation

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 17 - 3PM

GeorgiaGirl

Mediation

I haven't posted my story yet but I need some advice for mediation tomorrow. StbxN is a narc/sociopath who is incredibly manipulative, controlling and covert. He comes off as the shy single dad who is all about family. The reality turned out to be far different. I have known him almost 4 years, abuse started subtly about month 2 and yet I married him and we have a toddler together.

I left him in March, he changed the locks, we lived in a shelter for a little over a month and here I am. I'm getting stronger every day and have been NC completely for 2 months now. I still have awful days and my weeks without my baby girl (see below) are pure torture but I keep on keeping on.

The temporary hearings have not gone well - he received joint custody and we have week on/week off visitation of our 2 year old. A 3 hour mediation is required before we can go to trial. I have not seen him face to face in 4 1/2 months and I'm scared/nervous/intimidated. I've been through mediation before with my 1st N/BPD husband before I knew what he was and survived it. But this N is a totally different animal and I know he is fighting for custody purely to hurt me. He had no interest in our child prior to my leaving but proving that to the court seems to be an uphill battle.

I'd appreciate any thoughts, ideas, kudos, you name it. I will post my story soon.

#2 Aug 18 - 2PM

GeorgiaGirl

No Agreement

As I pulled up to my attorney's office this morning, stbxN was walking up to the front door and I started shaking. I sat in my truck for a minute to allow him time to get in the room and then I went in. The receptionist immediately directed me to a separate room and then my attorney came in a few minutes later. She took one look at me and said, "we will be doing this in separate rooms - it's no problem". :| Damn emotions anyway...I really wanted to face stbxN but was relieved I didn't have to. Weird quirk though...I could hear him through the air duct on the floor. So I got to eavesdrop on all of his blaming, denial, controlling, complaining, etc. He really gave her his sob story and talked to her for over 1 hour the first time. I didn't think he would ever shut up with all his ums, uhs, i'm doing this, i think that, etc. Every negative that he thinks of me came out of his mouth - and there were a lot of them. He either wants to keep things the way they are now (week on/week off visitation) or he wants full custody. I, of course, won't agree to either so off to trial we go. It probably won't be until December or January which seems a long ways off. He denied all abuse, any behavior issues with my baby girl and any of his other issues including job instability. I fully expected all of this but when he told the mediator he didn't want me to have every other holiday I felt like he hit me. He really doesn't want me to be a part of her life. He looked like hell by the way and wearing a shirt that he HATED when I bought it for him. I also heard him tell an OLD ridiculous story to the mediator that he used to tell me when we were together and I laughed out loud at that point. The mediator saw through him which I enjoyed very much. The mediator did tell me that the judge we will be in front of only gives sole custody - never joint. So one of us will end up with only every other weekend/every other holiday custody. I pray it's him. :heart:

#3 Aug 18 - 11PM (Reply to #12)

Gracerella

I thought about you a few

I thought about you a few times today and wondered how it was going. I'm glad it's over, though it must be frightening and draining to know that resolution wasn't reached, and won't be for a few more months. Hugs. I LOVED hearing your description of how it went. That was so like my experience (narc upset, spending a ton of time TALKING instead of problem-solving). Towards the end of mine the mediator actually joined us and said he'd rather be where the "mood was lighter". Cue yelling from Narc's room. Twas awesome ;)

#4 Aug 17 - 11PM

ordinarycourage

Mediation

Lots of good advice here...plan something fun, even if it's just a little thing like going for coffee, for afterwards. Can you have a friend pick you up afterwards? Try really hard to keep to specific issues and not wander all over the place randomly. Lots of times these guys seem to want joint custody just to reduce their child support obligation, too. Who cares for your daughter during the day? Do you both work and she's in daycare? We are behind you.

#5 Aug 17 - 10PM

58 and going strong

I found this helpful in

I found this helpful in preparation for the upcoming trial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ_lumKlMfI&feature=related (=narcissist in litigation and trial) Do not lose temper or self control. Be your best! Do not look at him. (He will try to violate and manipulate you with his eyes.) But try to 'read' his narc speak before you counter. Remember: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO COME OUT OF MEDIATION WITH A RESULT if he is unreasonable. But try to make him 'blow it' if you can. If it comes to trial, try to have something to prove he was abusive, like an evaluation from an expert therapist, even someone who has a reputation as consultant/expert with your court. Each state has its own mediation laws. You may find those online. Here is something for Florida: http://www.law.fsu.edu/journals/lawreview/issues/231/gerencse.html

#6 Aug 17 - 5PM

RubyWoo

I'm not in the US and

I'm not from the US and therefore can't give advice about the mediation process, but I agree with what the girls said - do NOT lose control, he might try to get you into an arguement or show that you are the crazy abusive one!! If he starts doing that, calmly say something like "there are two sides to every story" or "i disagree with the way you explained that". And NEVER NEVER lose it. I will be sending my good vibes and thinking of you, hopefully everything goes well and you and your cute baby can be safe and happy :)

#7 Aug 17 - 5PM

Gracerella

Fwiw, I didn't have to see my

Fwiw, I didn't have to see my NH during our 8 hr mediation. They put us in separate rooms, each with our attorney (and I asked my dad to be there as well). The mediator went back and forth.

#8 Aug 17 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

GeorgiaGirl

Attorneys won't be present

It will just be him, the mediator and myself. I feel like I need to face him...show him how much I've grown. I know I have no obligation to him and I don't owe him anything. But I think I need to do this for me.

#9 Aug 17 - 4PM

StudentOfLife

The state where I live

The state where I live (finally) makes some concessions for women who have been abused -- one of them being... you do not have to sit face to face with your abuser. If he is a threat to you (and we know he is!), you should not be subjected to your abuser. Period. Do you have an attorney? (in some states, you can find Legal Aid if you cannot afford an attorney. Your women's shelter should be able to help you with all this?) Sometime's a women's shelter will help you by appointing an advocate to you so you don't have to face this all alone. She will go to court with you, she will help you through the process. I know how hard this is, but pls take the steps to look into these options for yourself.... for your self and for your baby girl as well!! Also... lots of counseling. Counseling will help you so tremendously. MANY years ago, my eldest son and i went through "abuse" counseling at the local YWCA, and then continued with another counselor a bit later after leaving my exhusband who overtly abused both of us. The YWCA counseling was free. The road to healing is long, but worth the steps it takes to get there. Counseling will help you heal , and as well, you may eventually find it actually helps you with current and future court dealings.... as everything is indeed documented. (Document EVERYTHING!!) I know how it feels. You are scared and don't feel like you have any support. Seeing him, communicating with him... triggers your PTSD. This is hard to prove in court sometimes, so it definitely helps to have backing from professionals -- counselor's, women's shelters, advocates... etc. Please take the steps you need to , to research ALL of the options for assistance available to you, and to find the legal and emotional support locally. You don't have to face all this alone.

#10 Aug 17 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

GeorgiaGirl

I have an attorney & a counselor

I fired my first attorney when he kept pushing me to "just settle this". My new attorney is excellent and the mediator has dealt with domestic abuse cases before. She will intervene if he starts to become abusive and put us in separate rooms. I also have a counselor who has been a life-saver and a touchstone of sanity through all this. She keeps me focused and reality based which has kept me coming out of the fog in good order. I am scared...very scared. I tried to get a restraining order on him 2 months before I left but my state doesn't recognize verbal or emotional abuse.

#11 Aug 17 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

StudentOfLife

P.S. --

I also agree with Hunter --> do your very best NOT to allow him to trigger you, and don't react to him. Too often easier said than done, but this is what he'll be counting on in court.... b/c if he can "trigger" a reaction in you.... then he gets to make YOU *look* out of control. Don't give him that power. He will NOT win!!!

#12 Aug 17 - 4PM

Hunter

Ok, pop a pill and play nice!

Ok, pop a pill and play nice! Just agree, these idiots love to push buttons, this will be his plan! No reaction from you is how you will win. If you need to excuse yourself and scream your head off in the bathroom do it ,but never let him see you sweat! These turds can't follow thru with anything so even if he get 50% custody he will only follow his obligation 50% of the time! You are in charge !! Hunter

#13 Aug 17 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

Gracerella

Agreed. He will try to push

Agreed. He will try to push your buttons. See if you know anyone with Xanax. No lie, I "borrowed" one from a friend and took 1/4 everytime my emotions started to take over. It was just enough to keep me even-keeled throughout the day. I didn't tell anyone what they were (just excused myself for a bathroom run). I kept my cool and HE was the one raging in the other room. Poor guy should have done the same ;)

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