Jeff's Story

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Aug 15 - 7PM (Reply to #28)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

thanks goldie

Hello Goldie. Thank you so much for taking the time to send me your answer. You are so kind and understanding. You cannot believe how hard it has been for me not to spill the beans to friends of mine. I know you say it is good to talk but these people know absolutely nothing about my private life. This is not the right moment to start. Thank god you are there. I am working my way through the days. It has now been ten days NC. I have not attempted to contact him and he has not attempted to contact me. Total silence. I admit that this has never happened before, so it is as if he is saying that he doesn't want to know about it anymore either. Hopefully this is the case but...Today was the last day of his holiday and tomorrow he will be back at his desk filing invoices and facing up to reality. So maybe he won't contact me at all...maybe he has just forgotten me and found some new toy to play with. And more likely he has found his new toy but will contact me anyway. Who knows? All I know is that I can feel each day that I am getting further and further away from his emotional grip. Today was just totally relaxing for the first time in ages....totally in the moment..., reading a detective novel by the pool and tanning then off to explore a little town and find a place for a meal with a friend. I even got a call from a very nice guy I had not spoken to for months. Out of the blue. And I wasn't even thinking about Mr N at all. Except for a little this afternoon. So what I did was I forced myself to go back and read over my old emails to him and it was enough to turn me off. This relationship has been pulling me in and out of the same mind games---neglect, withholding sex and emotion, lying, pretty clearly cheating---practically since it started two years ago. But in the past, I would always lose my temper, tell him it was over, and then he would accuse me of being insane and obsessively jealous and start crying that he was the fool and that he loved me. Then of course I broke down and we started over again. The messages I wrote to him in December could have been written today. But I kept going back for another fix. Now it's different...he has achieved his goal. I have cut the rope and he is on his own. I really am not into him anymore. But tomorrow I wont be hidden away in a villa anymore. It is my first day back in the city. Maybe I will see him on the street. Maybe he will send me a text message or call. What should I do? I don't want a confrontation or a scene I just want to move ahead with my life. My instinct tells me to just ignore his calls and texts. Any advice on the above would be much appreciated and I promise not to fall off the wagon no matter how he comes onto me...!! I am just starting to enjoy being free. All this lovely free time to do what I want and I still have a wallet full of money after ten days! Unbelievable...! Big hug to you goldie and thank you again. Kisses Jeff
Aug 15 - 9PM (Reply to #29)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You already know what I am going to say

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore!!! He is testing you right now. He knows he has pushed you too far and he wants to get you good and full of longing for him. Don't forget he knows you and he knows what has worked in the past. Mine pulled this shit the last time and he did not contact me once for 8 days and then he showed up at my house and I think he was shocked that I did not respond. Obviously whatever he was trying to secure, did not pan out, so back he was. He tried for weeks after that. I could see he was trying to suck me back in, yet this particular time he was playing it cool and then out of the blue he broke his cover. He began shouting at me that I did not even once try to find him. I guess he was letting the days go by thinking that I would cave and come crying back. Which is not my style. I never do that with anyone. So it forced him to start to emote and I was not taking the bait this time and it started to drive him crazy. He came over making promises to show up the following week to cut the grass and I never said a word about it when he did not show up and then the following week he began the begging. So as you can see, he is most likely playing a cat and mouse game with you to see what your next move is going to be. I suspect that he knows he has fucked up bigtime this time so he has temporarily lost his nerve and wants you to make the first move. Trust me, he will grow weary of waiting and he will reach out. This is when you need to remain NC and eventually he will get the hint, that this time you have had enough. You bring so very much to the table. I can read it in your posts and this guy, is always going to be a taker and the feeling of being the giver and getting so very little in return will eventually wear you out, if it has not already and one day when he does reach out, hopefully by then you will just be done. Keep growing stronger and please do not give him anther dime no matter how pathetic his story may be. One thing is for certain, there may be other sugar daddy's out there, but I suspect none as giving and loving as you and he will eventually meet up with the wrong guy. One who pays him back for what he does. What goes around comes around and cute and hot or not, most people will not put up with his pathetic selfishness for long. He will get cut off and most likely a lot quicker by the next guy than you were and even if he does find another temporary fix it will not last. He is just too much. He had a gold mine in you and he blew it and he knows it. Oh sure he may be cocky for a few weeks or even months thinking that someone like Jeff is a dime a dozen and when he soon learns that someone like you was a real unusual gem, he will cry his little ass back to you and this is when you need to be strong and just be done. No good is going to come out of this, the humilation factor is just too great and you deserve much better than this. Be strong and keep posting. I enjoy your posts, they help me too to remember what it was like. God bless, Goldie
Aug 16 - 5AM (Reply to #30)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

Hi Goldie

Your reply came through loud and clear. I am back in the city and I literally feel his presence everywhere. My first dumb kneejerk reaction is to hang around near his office to check when he comes out for lunch. Why?! I dont even want to see him again. He is a smaller presence than last week but the ghost is still in the works. Boooooo! Get thee hence Satan!! Nothing like rereading my old pleading texts to start off the six step programme with a bang. God I was such a loser....just asking for it. You have got him figured that's for sure. I can see him now. Sitting in his little boat waiting for the fish to jump right out of the waterand land in his lap,flipping and gasping for air. Cant even be bothered to dangle a line with some bait. I know he has got some new victim in his crosshairs but you are so right. Who in hell is prepared to take on the full time job of feeding, clothing, nurturing and blowing this egomaniac? he will soon discover for himself that middleaged suburban dentists with white bmws dont enjoy spending money as much as he thinks. But hey that's his lifestyle choice so go for it Zack! Elvis is leaving the building....ciao ciao! Big kiss to you!
Aug 15 - 2PM (Reply to #26)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Goldie

This is excellent, make some minor adjustments for your next Blog!! Excellent,excellent!!
Aug 15 - 5PM (Reply to #27)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thanks Hunter

I just edited it and posted it on my blog. God bless, Goldie
Aug 13 - 12PM (Reply to #23)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

Tears

As I read your message I started crying....but not that jagged gut wrenching crying lke before. Nw its bittersweet like when you thought you were dead and then realised you were still breathing. Tears of relief. Now I know i will never forgive hm but I will forget him. So you hit it. My last big fling with the sweet bird of youth. With the kind of guy who wouldnt have given me the time of day thirty years ago. It isnt just narkiness. Its the age. I would always be frustrated and unhappy because my membership for that club had expired long ago. There was no satisfaction in watching from the sidelines as he made one glittering club entrance after another every weekend and chattered to me on monday about how many guys had made a pass at him. Not good for your ego. The worst and most embarrassing moment among many was when he asked me to shave off all his pubic hair and all around everywhere else where the sun doesn't shine. Here is me, executive CEO on my hands and knees shaving him with extreme care. The phone rings and he answers and its a friend i had never heard mentioned before and Mr N instead of saying he is busy so call back Mr N purrs he is having his intimate parts shaved..and me on my hands and knees being careful not to nick him. Can you believe this? I head a fulltime staff of 85 with minimum BA and Masters who love me like a father ...peoplewho trust me withtheir deepest secrets and who I love like my own children. And there I am on my knees in a rented apartment that I keep just for the two of us and he is totally oblivious, on the phone playing Eartha Kitt. Can you believe it!?nd not even some sex to follow. Not even thanks. I got the apartment just for us. On average we used it once a week for 20 count em 20 minutes. Forthe last month never. I can almost hear you shouting: Jeff Get a LIFE! Man I am so not going back. He managed to isolate me from any of his contacts . He said it was to protect me and our relationship but now i know it was to keep me from talking to them and hearing what he was REALLY up to. When he had me in his grip and made ME apologise for expecting him to call me once in a while. I texted: 'for you a missed call is of no importance, for me it's another nail in my heart.' That was last week sugar. Now I dont even care. Today i feel i have taken a step back into the light. Thank you for holding my hand and leading me out of the dark..
Aug 13 - 8AM
Jeff
Jeff's picture

I love you all

What can I say...you girls are incredible. There is no way in hell that I expected anybody to answer my cry for help. You are all just fantastic. And when I think of the suffering you all have been through it is just so humbling. SOme of the stories I have read make mine sound like a walk in the park. Everyone has been so supportive! Agnes thank you for mentioning my life parter. I guess part of the problem is that the two of us complete each other so perfectly that there is only room for relationships based on romance and sex. All doomed to fail and maybe I wanted it that way. The last relationship I was in was with a very similar type of guy and I walked out on him.He was just as frivolous, airheaded and live for the day as this one..but when I said I had had enough he cried for days, sat on my doorstep and made threatening anonymous phonecalls to my partner. Just turned me off to everything connected with sex for ten whole years. But this guy is different. I know there is no way in hell that he will be suffering at all. If he still remembers my name...I know now reading over my emails from the past two years that the relationship was just sick. Three lows for every high and always always this nagging doubt. I am not a jealous person by nature but he really brought out the worst in me. I couldn't understand how he could be hot one day and then cold for a week. All that passion was going somewhere...Never much giving by him...just taking. At the time I used to laugh about it because he was so ridiculously egotistical---I called him the Little Prince. Preening in the mirror, trying on clothes every spare minute (dragging me along for "fun" shopping afternoons and leaving clothes in shops for me to pick up and pay for as a "surprise" present, fixated on sunlamps and hair.) When I first met him he was on his way to a dinner date paid for by an older woman. And on the very first night he came to my place, he took home half of the nicknacks and souvenirs on the dresser. He always asked for "Cuddles" which meant presents. And so many times I felt inside me that he was getting all prettied up for somebody else not me.. When I think of the crumbs I settled for. A kiss, an I love you text...I had to wait for almost a year to get my first kiss. Another three months to have sex with the lights on. Then back to square one....he hurt me so many times and I just came back for more...with my wallet. SO many times I swore I would break up with him over the money thing. Every time I gave him money he would see the look on my face and say "SMile!" and I forced myself to grin as I handed over his Oxygen as I called it. I forced myself to keep a daily record of how much I was spending on him since Christmas. Very sobering. Wow I am so happy that I won't have to spend money on him anymore. He will have to pay his own car payments, the installments on his teeth capping (unless he gets that dentist queen to accept payment en nature...)the gym, the hair, the spa, the phone cards, the lunches... It is my ultimate revenge...knowing that he is going to start squirming pretty soon. I also know for a fact that he is never going to find a guy as unquestioningly generous as I was. If he does, I pity the poor sucker but better him than me. At this point to hell with the phone spying. I am already planning what to buy for myself with the money I won't be giving him! And every time I look at my life partner...struggling constantly side by side with me to run the business, not spending anything on himself, totally sharing everything with complete trust...I thank God that I found this wonderful man. God bless you all again and I hope that your lives are going well too. I want to be happy and free again and just be able to think clearly without that jerk's face in front of me all day.. getting there...! Big kiss to you all. If I was straight I'd hook up with all of you! Call me if you need me. I assure you that you will feel like a princess on my arm when we go out for dinner and dancing..guaranteed to make your shithead Narc twobit scumbag turn green with envy. Trust me men are pigs at the best of times no matter what line they give you...I don't know how women put up with us. More kisses.
Aug 13 - 8AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Justify the Break?

Should you get solid evidence to justify the break? Why would you need to justify the break? Just break it off. It's a secret affair. There is nothing. You don't need to justify yourself. All you need is to say: "I am no longer listening. I am no longer there." Reminds me of the Cat Steven's song: "Oh baby, baby! It's a wild world. Hope you make a lot nice friends out there!" That is, find another sugar daddy like myself. Just stop paying to load the phone. Give him nothing anymore. If you are financially responsible for the phone, then cancel the plan if necessary. He'll disappear fairly immediately. You sound like an infinitely sensible man. Funny. I have read that the thrill of a sexual relationship lasts about two years. Then reality sets in. Seems like that was true for you. Two years. Sounds like your real-life partner is a solid individual.
Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #20)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

thanks agnes

Agnes I wrote some comments above and thanked you because you remembered how important and wonderful my life partner is. I agree that I am not going to check out the phone. It would be just too hurtful and who gives a s...t. I just want to get on with my life. Every day is getting a little better. thank god that I am out of the city for summer break. Bit worried about running into him back in town. I know he will phone and maybe show up in my office. Not sure how to deal with that. I want to be cool but dont want a fight. I am just feeling more sure every day that he did me a HUGE favour this last time by ignoring me and I am grabbing it as my excuse to RUN!! Big kiss
Aug 12 - 11AM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Jeff please listen to Scoop

Please listen to what she is saying she knows what she is talking about! And don't do the phone thing! Trust me, you are only hurting yourself FURTHER by seeing the gory details! Trust what you know in your heart to be true. Your gut is speaking to you and you have to listen. Getting the concrete "evidence" right now is not a good idea. At least put it on the back burner for a while and give yourself some time. Be good to yourself...you sound like a a wonderful guy anyone would be lucky to have in their lives.
Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

thanks rose

I agree totally and thanks for giving me the push in the right direction. Right now I want to be good to myself. I wrote more comments above to all of you wonderful women. Wish I was straight. I would treat you right that's for damn sure. I know enough about men (being one myself...) to know that you should NEVER trust them! Kiss
Aug 11 - 8AM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Welcome Jeff!!

You are in the right place, I am also at work reading your post and its just so damn disgusting that these people exist in this world! You sound like a wonderful man that was taken advantage of by a souless Narc. They use and abuse and will never go away unfortunately. NC is the only way to go, stay on this board, we are here to help, do not feed into his ego any longer. Any communication, text, email, reply, will be used as his way back in. They will say anything to keep you there for supply. You have gotten great advice from these wonderful people here. We have all been through the same hell, promises of everlasting love, and we have all gone back for more. It is only more devastating each time you go back. Read read read all you can from this board and Sam Varkin You Tube videos. Its hard to believe these people can be so calculating but it is their way of life, they don't know any other way. The mask comes off with the ones they are closest too. Stay strong, you deserve better, we all deserve better!!! xoxo PS, I work with many gay male buyers at TJX corp!.
Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

thanks Lisa

Lisa I really appreciate your answer. I actually am a nice guy...have two kids and was married for a while in my other life as a straight man. Then I discovered I wasn't and moved on. Unfortunately I treat all my boyfriends like I used to treat my girlfriends and wife. Like women...but men who like men are not like that. Gays can be incredibly sneaky and irritatingly superficial. They often have the worst qualities of women. The thing that got to me was when he started coming out and went headfirst into the gay lifestyle. I spent about ten minutes of my life checking out the gay scene and no thanks...I love dancing and am very sociable but that scene has been out of my life for years. So it was also hurtful to be reminded that every single weekend he was YMCAing with all the village people. Maybe deep inside I was looking for a way out...I just wanted to keep something alive that I knew was comatose. Anyway if you need a date, call me....I'll even bring a wrist corsage. For you not for me!!! :)
Aug 11 - 4AM
Layla
Layla's picture

Hello Jeff!

Hello Jeff! This post actually made me cry! That's what I get for reading on this site when I am supposed to be working! ; ) Wow! Yes, this guy completely used you I was getting more and more angry the farther along I read...seriously. And you know, you sound like such a nice man too and you certainly are generous to a fault. It's so hurtful to have our "good" qualities as a human being completely exploited. For myself, that to me was the worst thing. Our trust, our generosity, our love, completely thrown in the garbage disposal with the eggshells.....without an afterthought or care in the world..... As far as feeling weak, everyone here can relate to that emotion that pops up early in our recovery time and time again, some more than most. Scoop suggested that you read and educate yourself on narcissism and that is really the best advice at this point. If you don't start filling your mind with the reality of this illness, all those second guess's about him and all your "doubts" will start to overtake your common sense....I can whole heartedly say that reading and educating yourself on this illness and reading what others who are victims/survivors of narcissists have to say on their own experiences will only help you to stay strong, maintain no contact and begin healing....... As far as the cell phone you are considering investigating, I think your gut instinct is right, and we should always have faith in ourselves and our intuition....I too would feel just like you do, perhaps knowing FOR SURE he is texting/sexting with other men, making plans to meet with other men, etc...would validate your decision to break contact with this user but remember this- YOU DON'T NEED THAT........you already KNOW who he is because he has already shown you!!!!!! I remember going though my husband's cell phone bill and to this day, 4 years later I can relive the devastation in my heart....and I didn't even leave him at that point! I allowed the lying abuser to con me....so I then lived another 3 and a half years with him continuing to take his abuse, meanwhile dealing with the devastation of his betrayals, and he didn't even care, acting like I should "get over it", in fact, he told me to get over it, and "the past is in the past".....WTF???! OF COURSE he will come back! He has it too DAMN GOOD WITH YOU!!!!! No Contact means not taking his calls or returning his emails too.....It means what it sounds like, "NO CONTACT"....get this venomous snake poison out of your blood....you do this by two things, NO CONTACT and EDUCATION on Narcissism. I have faith in you Jeff! You got it together in your life!!! You don't need him! He is a parasite on your heart and soul and he WILL suck you dry!!!! And then you know what he will do? He will WALK away without a care in the world, on to his next VICTIM, sporting a great tan, white strait teeth, designer clothes, a cell phone etc..etc...all paid for BY YOU. God bless and stay strong Jeff!!! You got it going on! You deserve better than this guy!!! love~ Layla
Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

luv you girl

Layla thanks so much. Your letter gave me so much strength. I just cant thank you enough. Wish you were here in Italy... I would take you out for a meal you would never forget... You are so right about the phone. Why rub my own nose in it? I wrote more comments above to everybody but this last week has really be so beneficial. Away from the city and from him. Just reading all this stuff about narcissists and users until I really feel like I want to throw up. I cant believe how every single characterist matches my guy perfectly. Everything is there. There are lots of cute, superficial people around but they have feelings. They fall in love, and get hurt. This guy is totally cold. And always ANGRY. I now realise how many times he has argued with friends and fallen out with them over some perceived slight from them. Ever since I met him he has always had one special "friend" who he spent hours texting and phoning, yacking about nothing. Out together every night (I was at home with my partner) but insisting that they were friends full stop. Whatever. What is important is that one after another, these friendships ended abruptly and he never looked back. If I even mentioned their names he got angry and irritated and said to forget it. And he is always fighting with his mother about something, and at work there is always some new problem with colleagues and he is always threatening to quit and find another job. The guy is just full of anger. And he is also suffers from anxiety, which is another sure sign. I felt so protective towards him. Now I think its time to be a little protective to myself. Big kiss
Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

luv you girl

Layla thanks so much. Your letter gave me so much strength. I just cant thank you enough. Wish you were here in Italy... I would take you out for a meal you would never forget... You are so right about the phone. Why rub my own nose in it? I wrote more comments above to everybody but this last week has really be so beneficial. Away from the city and from him. Just reading all this stuff about narcissists and users until I really feel like I want to throw up. I cant believe how every single characterist matches my guy perfectly. Everything is there. There are lots of cute, superficial people around but they have feelings. They fall in love, and get hurt. This guy is totally cold. And always ANGRY. I now realise how many times he has argued with friends and fallen out with them over some perceived slight from them. Ever since I met him he has always had one special "friend" who he spent hours texting and phoning, yacking about nothing. Out together every night (I was at home with my partner) but insisting that they were friends full stop. Whatever. What is important is that one after another, these friendships ended abruptly and he never looked back. If I even mentioned their names he got angry and irritated and said to forget it. And he is always fighting with his mother about something, and at work there is always some new problem with colleagues and he is always threatening to quit and find another job. The guy is just full of anger. And he is also suffers from anxiety, which is another sure sign. I felt so protective towards him. Now I think its time to be a little protective to myself. Big kiss
Aug 11 - 3AM
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture

Jeff

Oh Big hugs!!! My Narc just changed teams. I will follow you here (HEHEHE!) Just to see a gay perspective if you do not mind. I am so freaked out by all of this and wow, just wow reading your post. Actually your Narc sounds like my narc. New watch - looking for better one. New phone - looking for better one. Not ever satisfied. I kept giving and giving. God I am exhausted just writing this. His new supply just simply looks like a very nice man. I fear for him. I actually thought maybe because he has now come out he will change. Someone please tell me he will not change. Not that I want him to destroy this guy but I want to know even though he has now embraced the gay he will still be the same guy. Jeff - we are here for you. Some of us are very broken too so dont worry - you are in very good company.
Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

so your narc is switch hitting or what girl? :-)

Cgirl thanks for making me laugh. Narcs I guess are just the same whatever sex their victims are. You know the very first time I met this guy he was on his way to a dinner paid for by an older woman he worked with. He had been having a thing with her for a few months and then just dropped her. You know, the last few times I saw him, when there was more and more time between dates, I just felt more and more that this guy was a STRANGER. Who was he? What did I know about him? He never ever talked about his past life or past relationships with anybody. I would bring it up and he would just not go there. And the people he hangs with now are the same people he told me to stay far away from just a month or so before...said they were rotten inside. I believe it. The rich dentist is a wonderful guy but an incredibly fixated social climber. And his partner is a total user, who came onto ME once in a gym totally out of nowhere. The dentist pays for everything for this guy and when they went to Mykonos (of all places...) to celebrate the dentist's birthday this guy disappears with a rich arab. Totally rent. These are the people my sweetie has been consorting with. P.U. You think straight Narcs are scumbags, try the gay ones....gays have to spend their lives swimming in a cesspool of deception and lies, very good hunting grounds for these narcs. Like is there any young gay reasonably goodlooking who doesn't think the sun shines out of his porthole and the world owes him a living? Thank god I have my lifetime buddy partner. What a great man. Sister dump your asshole narc now. If he is anything like mine it is just a total waste of time. You are intelligent and funny and deserve a guy who makes you feel special. That's what a relationship is supposed to be about, right? Big kiss.
Aug 11 - 12AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Oh Jeff , big hugs . What a

Oh Jeff , big hugs . What a story and so typical . You are in the right place . The first thing to remember is anyone can be a victim of a narc , you did nothing wrong , dont go beating your self up over this , all you did was fall in love with a psychopath .. welcome to the club . Go throught the board and read all you can , knowledge is power . Im posting a link to Thomas sheridans vidios on you tube as he dose a series of introductions on the basics of the subject . Scoop xx
Aug 11 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Here the first one , when the

Here the first one , when the demon knocks on youre door . then follow the links on the page . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tro2U-cezqo Scoop xx
Aug 11 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

thanks

Thanks for taking the time to reply Scoop. I felt so self confident and sure yesterday and today I feel weak and vulnerable. I hope he doesn't call because I don't know if I will have the strength to resist. Do you think I should ignore his calls and messages? Should I do a check on his phone to find out what he has been up to these three years? I appreciate the video and it makes sense it is just so hard to realise that this person could be so calculating. It just makes me hurt more knowing almost for certain that he was playing me and who knows who else all this time. I hope that you are ok and that you have some magic potion to send me to get this guy out of my head cause I am going nuts....Big hug
Aug 12 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Jeff , what you have to do

Jeff , what you have to do now is change youre number , or block his calls . Please dont look up his phone history right now as it may drive you nuts , i know that wanting the truth is important and after a few good months of No Contact maybe look but for now you can guess what he is doing :( No contact is when you lay down the rope , you stop pulling , you walk away with the door closed . . i would cancel and subsriptions you still pay for tomorrow , this will enpower you no end and will be sending out a very clear message that you know he is taking the piss and you are not going to take it . If you dont to that tomorrow make it top of the list of things to do in the next week or so .. ok .. Stay close to the board as there will be an emotional rollercoser in going cold turkey . At the moment you are probably still in shock and that is a very fuzzy time , dont expect too much from youre slef righ now , its time to be very kind to you , its a time when you wrap youre self in a blanket and do just what you want to do when you want to do it . Personally at this "shock " stage i sat on the sofa a lot watching Dawson Creak dvd and i ordered high fat , high taste Indian food (and one or two glasses of red ) .. big love Sweetie , when you get through this you can rest assured you will never be a victim of a psychopath again and you will go on to have amazing relationship with great people , thats a promise . You will miss him , there are many factors on why , A lot of it is chemical , when a narc first comes into youre life they use "love bombing" which is what cults to to draw you in for brainwashing , the love bombing raises our dopamine levels and we go as high as a kite , you said that he made you feel amzaing at the start and part of the narcs seduction is this love bombing , what you found is as his behaviour became more hurtful you started to crash from this high , the narc being a cleaver manipulatior used dopamine maintenance on you where he would throw you a bone of love bombing every so often to keep you nicely brainwashed .. its a sick thing and when you get that be prepaired for the rage . But for now , sit , love youreself and know you have done nothing wrong .. Big love Scoop x
Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

thanks scoop

Thank you for your wonderful attention and suggestions. I have watched the scary videos. What a monster! I was so played. Now I just want to get on with my life...I will try every day to be strong. My worst fear is that when I go back to the city next week he will be in his office two blocks from mine. He will probably come into the office and give me a long look. I just dont want to see him or talk to him. How should I handle it if I see him on the street? I dont want to pretend I am all happy and together and on my way to an important meeting blablabla because he will see right through that. He can read me like a book the bastard. He will give me one of his condescending looks I know. And I will lose my temper and tell him off which will make me look like a needy jealous frustrated neurotic. What is the right way to approach this inevitable eventuality? Big hug and thanks again
Aug 11 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

Oh, Jeff...I so feel for

what you're going through. I remember those early, difficult, frustrating days of NC. The inner war of the mind and how you just want him OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Unfortunately there is no magic pill for that except time and NO CONTACT. If he calls, let it go to voice mail. Keep doing that one minute at a time. Believe me when I say it does get better with time and distance. As for the phone records, I wouldn't do it. For one it will cost you a lot of money. I know you paid for the phone, etc. so in my opinion you've already put out enough money for this guy. What good will come of you KNOWING in black and white what you already know. Why torture yourself more with the exact details? They aren't important. He's already shown you WHO HE IS AND WHAT HE DOES WITH OTHER MEN. Details won't help you, they'll just bug you more in my opinion. I say this because that's what happened to me when I engaged in a conversation with my disrodered one's ex. I learned details about things I already knew that were so disturbing and it was a HUGE SETBACK. Jeff, that's just my two cents. And two words. NO CONTACT. He's gonna come at you hard. OH WELL. HIS LOSS. TOO BAD. SO SAD. You do not need to be treated like this and used by a pure USER. It will get better with time and distance. And if I can add I think you're a good writer! Your story is so well written and you have a talent! Feel good about yourself and what you have. THIS USER ISN'T WORTH ANOTHER DIME OR YOUR TIME. p.s. I wasted six years (and quite a bit of money) with a severely disordered user, manipulator and liar. I'm 9 months NC and happier than I ever thought possible...and I'm 53, so there is still much joy ahead, Jeff. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A FIGHT BUT I'M IN FOR THE LONG HAUL. THE SICK M F'ER TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE ME DOWN.

spinning

Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

big hug spinning

Thanks spinning for your wonderfully supportive reply. I am so blessed to have all of you wonderful women supporting me. I especially appreciated your words because I think we both spent too much time and money on our scumbag narcs. I am not going to check any calls etc. I just want him out of my life. I feel happier today than for a long time. Fortunately this is holiday time and I am far away from work and the city in a beautiful villa with a pool and some close friends (but I dont have the guts to spill the beans with them...they are all straight and I really dont want to come out right now thanks): So I am reading everything I can about narcs and writing like crazy to all of you ladies,. Hope you dont lose your patience. You sound like you have been through a tough time. My worry is that when I get back to the city again I will ineveitably run into him..on the street, even in my own office, which is right on the main city street just two blocks from where he works. And he lives three blocks away from me. Very cramped. So how should I behave when our paths cross? If I walk right past in silence that is a dead giveaway that I am hurt and upset and I am NOT: If I play the lovely to see you must run line he will laugh in my face and i will end up telling him off right there. I dont even want to say how are you but I dont want to make it look like I am suffering in any way and I dont want to start things again. So if he says lets go for coffee or a drink or lunch what should I do? Honestly I am not trying to get back with him or stalk him. I just want to move on. And I know that his car bills and dental bills and gym bills are all coming due soon so he is going to show up. When he sees that I am not responding to his charm and/or accusations, he will get angry...then what? Sorry for being such a mass of uncertainty. I have never been in this situation before and all day as part of my work I am dealing with people and trying to reach compromises. But I do NOT want to play mediator for myself in this one. How can I exit gracefully? Big kiss
Aug 17 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
kevsmart
kevsmart's picture

Hi Jeff

I haven't been on this site for a couple of weeks, but I've been having some really difficult days lately keeping N/C with my ex so I turn to this site in my moments of weakness. I came across your story and wanted to let you know that you are not the only gay male on this site. I, too have been a victim of another mans narcissism and understand completely the pain and confusion that you are going through. Hang in there buddy. We'll all get through this together. You are not alone, Kevsmart
Aug 20 - 2AM (Reply to #7)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

Hi Kev

I just now noticed your message Kev. Thanks for coming forward. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one. How are you doing? Can you hear echoes of your own story in mine? I think in the gay world, narcissism is the rule not the exception. Man on man relationships are more normally based on raw power. Kind of like those prison movies we both would get excited watching. Except it's no fun when you find yourself locked in the cellblock... I am making progress thanks to this site. If I can help or you want to chat or feel tempted to break NC please contact me. And be ready to hear from me if that's ok. If you like, you can read my second step tonight.... Glad to Be Dumped in the sharing setories section. If nothing else, it will definitely cure your insomnia...:-) Big man hug or sister hug or whatever hug you are into Kev. Hope you are mot just surviving but living! Jeff