So just to get things straight....I'm NOT. And neither is my Narc. But Lisa says a narc is a narc. So thank you guys and girls for accepting me for what I am--the victim of a Narc. Right now I am not in a position to give much advice other than get the hell out but am definitely ready to take it. And the pain and humiliation you all have been through is exactly the same as what I am suffering. Only difference is that i am totally alone: I am a straight acting man who has never been into gay life, the N kept me and our story way back in the closet as over the years i saw him go from uptight straight to bi to openly gay. Open with everybody but me..the person who brought him out, helped him overcome the illness and death of his father and bankrolled him for two years all the while struggling to justify his erratic emotional behaviour. Warm tender texts and lovey dovey emails but always aloof face to face. And trying to deal with his latest new best friend..no sex there how could I ever think that! Just neverending calls and texts to his latest friend on the phone I bought him and kept charged up with phone time. This is embarrassing for me to even write---what an easy victim I have been! He picked me carefully. I was and am a workaholic (what person running his own business isn't?) with no friends just business partners, clients, employees and rarely a one night stand. Then Mr Zack Efron blows in and suddenly its secret intimate dinners and passion and the big L word.
I cannot talk to anyone about this. I live with my life and business partner-two men-35 years of total trust and respect but absolutely no romance sex or other similar things. And he still hasnt forgiven me for a messy relationship I had with a non N years ago. So I kept this one secret. So no overnighters or even dinner dates. Strictly secret. N said it was perfect. Nobody would understand anyway...him 24 and me 58. Please dont give me that look...i gave it to myself often enough. But it was not a toyboy story. There were times when we were telepathically close and in all cases our age difference was so unimportant in private. And he made sure it was never public. Wouldnt even be seen walking down the street with me. And I am not RuePaul. He looks like the boy next door knockout smile very in shape ( i pay for the upscale gym where all the gay dentists and lawyers go I hear, plus supplements, tans, hair removal, designer gymbag etc etc) . We called it our Work in Progress: he was making himself more beautiful just for me. Other guys can look (he loves being centre stage and usually is) but only I could touch. I was his man, no one else. He is the kind of guy men and women fall instantly in love with. I look 40, wear tailored Italian suits and work out. I look like a straight middleaged man who takes good care of himself and was once married and how come a tall goodlooking distinguished man like that is still single and blablabla...that type. In the beginning it made sense...he was struggling with his own sexuality (to hear him tell it I was the first man he had ever had (very timid in the dark) sex with and only came out with me. But he was a very very quick learner. Very soon he started exploring, opening up and making his first gay friends, then he wanted kinky sex (pupil teaching the teacher by this stage and who was I to argue) then it was gay clubs every weekend (strictly for dancing) and gay beaches (strictly for swimming) and he and I were still a secret. He would let himself be seen on the street with obvious queens and party till dawn with them but would not walk down the street with totally straightlooking respectable me. I never went with him to any of these places, never wanted to, just paid his weekend for him. Usually he would start being sweet on tuesday,...we would have a couple of great lunches followed by wonderful sex on friday then out would come the wallet and 'have fun you Worked hard all week baby' and him 'I'll miss you so much this weekend..text me all the time' followed by the weekend where he invariably neglected to text me or answer any calls then me pissed off with him on monday, saying things that he interpreted as paranoid unfounded jealousy (which at the start he said he loved seeing in me) then apologies mainly from me then tuesday lunch and the same old routine, usually with a kiss-and-make-up present thrown in by me. And not candy or flowers please. The guy is on a nasic salary ok but he is a junior buyer for D&G, Chanel and saint Laurent and he knows precisely what the next must have accessory for him is. ( boy can I pick 'em).
Anyway thank god I kept it secret so I dont now have to face people's looks and comments. And thank you everyone for letting me join.
After a month of lunches with excuses by him to not have sex or even be intimate with me (work commitments, family, blablabla) I finally forced myself to admit after 2 years of being built up and let down that my beautiful secret lover is a grade A narc and has milked me for what he can get emotionally and financislly. It is no coincidence that his lack of interest coincided with my statement that i can no longer afford to spend the equivalent of one and a half times his own salary on him every month....
Now he is in the final days of a two week holiday on his own with 'friends' partly paid for by me. After sweettalking me out of more money for sunlamps and designer swimsuits and fine wine gifts for the rich dentist and his toyboy partner whose villa he is staying at and telling me how he will miss me like mad he has not contacted me for over a week (he's two hours drive away). Worst (or best) thing is that by pure luck (?) I ran into him in town with other 'friends' in the middle of his holiday last week--he hadnt even bothered to tell me he would be in town. He was totally taken aback I know so he ran up to me, big hug (he always does that when people see him in an awkward moment) promised to call me for coffee later and never bothered till i called him that night. He had already left town..sorry but couldnt make it too many people around (remember our story is secret) so i gave him a huge earful, turned into a texting lunatic pouring out all my disappointment from the past six months and basically make a fool of myself trying to make him understand that his indifference over the padt months is killing me and our relationship, then end by saying not to contact me for now because it hurts too much. So silence till next day when he calls i dont answer and he texts saying he misses me and wants to hear my voice. So I call and he's on the beach with friends and talks to me as if i was his sister so his friends wont figure out anything and i say i understand you cant talk call me when you can. And he doesnt even bother to text to say sorry couldnt talk , there were people around. Just silence.... Anyway skip to last step--i know this relationship is toxic. Duh. what I cant understand is how i could have got so sucked in. But after this last humiliation and some deep soulsearching and after confessing to my partner who exploded and refused to speak to me for three days ('how can you jeopardize this delicate moment in the life of our business running after some silly airhead kid. I feel totally alone and like you are a stranger. Grow up! You are too old for this! Your mind is clouded how can you make any business decisions? Etc etc) and i cried and apologised to him the one person I have in the world who I respect and trust and who I have hidden this story from for two years because i knew it was humiliating and pointless. But I loved that selfish airheaded Mr N like i have never loved anyone in my life. Says a lot about me I guess but at the time it was a huge breath of fresh air...like i had been staring at an acquarium for years and then he came along and smashed the glass and suddenly I was swimming with him in the warm Mediterranean sea. Get the idea?
But now after only five days i have really honestly totally lost interest in him. I feel nothing for him but irritation and even that is fading fast. So he is on holiday and hasnt contacted me for five days. Great. Meantime I have made peace with my partner and am finally able to think about something else besides mr N. For the first time in two years he is not there in my minds eye all day long. I am actually able to forget him. Sure he owes me bigtime but whats done is done and he will never change. I used to be gutted with jealous fantasies and desperate to nab his cellphone (always locked) but now I laugh when I think how much suffering he is going to cause this next victim. Better them than me!
I want to take advantage of these call-less days to close the whole thing for good. Eventually i know he will call--idle curiosity, money for the next installment on his new tooth cap, whatever---and i just dont want to answer. Ever. I have talked myself hoarse with him and he ignores how much he hurts me, says he loves me then ignores me again. The guy who showered me with attention and affection (and who i showered with much more..) is long gone. I am fed up with hanging around after the party has ended and the guests have gone home. I gave him an iphone3 for our first Christmas and because he was whimpering about a new Iphone4 white I am tempted to get back the old phone in exchange for the new one (can give to office staff, etc). For 1200$ a detective agency will give me a printout of two years of text messages photos and contacts and calls. It is my phone and I constantly paid to keep it loaded. I just know i will find stuff that will make me feel even more like a jerk for having invested two years of my life in this egotistical lying user. Should i do this? It would give solid evidence to backup my suspicions and justify the break but ....
So what next? Is it NC even if it is him calling me? And should I get the goods on him via the old phone or just walk away? I am afraid he will come back and play self righteous victim with me. I just want to move ahead. I have hurt myself and other people I love too much from desperately trying to make this thing work. Now by not contacting me he is finally giving me the justification to close off. What should I do? Thanks to all (if any!) of you who have managed to read through all this. It is long but I guess writing it down is a good start....
I can't believe you've been through this!
DETOX AND RECOVERY
happy to be dumped
There is an army of survivors here Jeff- backing you up!
It's a process, Jeff, and
Jeff, narcs don't give you
Then... strength in pain (!)
Jeff, NO CONTACT AT ALL is
Time to walk away
Hi Jeff and welcome to the forum
Drinks are on me Goldie
I call mine DRB..
It's a date
Middle of the night stuff