When will I get back to 'normal'?

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 15 - 11PM

Pearl

When will I get back to 'normal'?

Help. Let me tell you about my morning.
Up early for my daughter’s gymnastics lesson at 7:30am. Makeup on, well dressed for work and under the pump to stick to a tight schedule. But I couldn’t get my hair right and this triggered the inner turmoil I try to hide every day. Suddenly a panic attack consumed me, brought on by such a stupid thing as not getting my hair right.
Half-way to the gymnastics lesson, with my 6 year old daughter in the back seat, I pull over and start crying. I lose control, screaming and sobbing that I hate my life and wish I was dead. My daughter starts crying and says ‘mum I don’t want you to die’. I tell her I’m so alone and crazy and that’s why no one wants me, I will never find someone who will love me because there’s something wrong in my head. She says “you’ll find someone mum, I’ll help you find someone”. And I cry harder because I am failing my daughter and damaging her beautiful world.
I’m running late by now and struggling to cope with an inner world of pain crashing down around me.
The NC I am practising has me detoxing and for the last few days I have been hovering on the brink of depression and feeling so incredibly lost and alone.
I’m apologising to my daughter and consumed by terrible guilt. Trying to backstep and fix the horrendous damage I have done by breaking down in front of her... I have failed as a mother.
Now I sit at my desk unable to concentrate. Am I screwing up my child? When will I be well again? Have I ever been well, or am I just a complete nutty loser? So I message my mum because she loves to help me and is always there when I need her.. but she is possibly also a narcissist (I’m not sure about this yet) who abandoned me at critical times in childhood and adulthood when I needed her the most.
Today is not a good day. I want to go home and hide under the blankets. I want to see my daughter and hug her and see that she is ok. I want to be normal.

Pearl.

#2 Aug 16 - 5PM

RubyWoo

You haven't failed as a

You haven't failed as a mother, don't think of it like that! You have cried infront of your daughter, you have broken down because you have feelings and you are human...and listen to what your daughter said! "I will help you find someone mum" Now THAT is true love, the love of a daughter wo wants her mummy to be happy. And you will!

#3 Aug 16 - 11AM

Hunter

Get it together! You need

Get it together! You need meds ASAP! Awww, how sweet, your little girl have soo much love for her mom! You're being too hard on yourself, this just sucks that's all! Get the help that is available out there! This too shall pass but it requires work! Be Strong Hunter

#4 Aug 16 - 11AM

ruby01 (not verified)

Pearl

I think when your daughter sees that you have feelings and can be hurt it gives her a bond and a realization that it's ok to share feelings with loved ones. It's okay to be weak at times and it's okay to not be "perfect". I completely idolized my parents. They could do no wrong in my eyes. That's not reality. Of course they are not perfect, but they never let me see that. As a result I have never been really close to them. I always felt I should be strong, be "perfect" like they appeared to be to me. It's not as if she witnessed you doing something immoral. That would be negligent and damaging. What you revealed to her was a positive. One that in the future will make her more comfortable in sharing her true feelings with you in the future. A blessing in disguise.

#5 Aug 16 - 12AM

Done sourcing

You did not fail as a mother,

You did not fail as a mother, you missed the mark of perfection. And its about time we get it through our heads that we dont have to be perfect. And that we dont deserve abuse because we are not able to live up to some unreachable standards that got inprinted in our heads some long time ago. I guess I'm telling you more about me than possilby about you. Anyway. Unrealistic expectations of self. You did fine today. By the way, you need to breathe with your tummy (diaphram), because correct measured breaths with the belly make panic impossible. You weren't perfect today, welcome to humanis earthus narcissis expellis...where the good people come to recover from abuse, disorder, and chaos! ds

#6 Aug 16 - 4AM (Reply to #11)

Pearl

unreachable standards

"....unreachable standards that got inprinted in our heads some long time ago" Yeah what's with the impossible standards we try to hold onto? Think you hit the nail on the head ds. And thanks for the breathing advice, great feedback!

#7 Aug 16 - 12AM

58 and going strong

Pearl, we've all been there.

Pearl, we've all been there. I've been functioning in what felt like a big cloud of fog for months. Today I am grateful I had to function, because it helped me survive. Look at the bright side: Your little daughter can feel with you. And trust me, before you even 'lost it' in front of her, she did know already that something was going on with you. All our kids have been exposed too much to not to know . . . Turn it around to a positive: She can learn that adults are not always strong and that it is o.k. to be sad and torn sometimes. The most important thing is to acknowledge her feelings (she may have been scared or worried or both) and give her feedback that she can learn to trust herself and her perception and does not have to go the path we had to. You are a great Mom and you will do the right thing for yourself and for her! Yes, for yourself first - just think of the airplane emergency instructions: Your own oxygen mask first, then help your kid. Your daughter needs to see you o.k., then she will follow. Mine always followed my 'waves'.

#8 Aug 16 - 4AM (Reply to #9)

Pearl

love your thoughts

58 and going strong, I have read some of your posts and you are a godsend to this forum. And you're spot on, my daughter is aware of when I'm struggling and stressed out long before all hell breaks loose. I just don't want her growing up to be a'fixer' because her mum had some serious issues. But generally our world is very peaceful and loving... being just the 2 of us we are very close and in tune with each other. But it still sucks to have a meltdown in front of anyone let alone someone you're trying to set an example for. Love the oxygen mask analogy... so true. I will pick myself up again and carry on and keep growing stronger.

#9 Aug 16 - 12AM

Pearl

thank you smarter-thankthis, Amazed & adoette

Thank you for your words... I'm quite low and mentally weak at the moment and needing this support. Was scared to post at first, for fear of being judged and shocking others with my behaviour. But I have to come face to face with myself and stop running and prentending I'm ok, and just endure this no matter how hard it will get. It's so hard to heal from this narcissistic crap when you still have a life to maintain, job to hold down, child to raise. Posting here with my honesty and reading your replies means I have now lost the urge to contact him... because that's usually what I do when I reach this stage of NC. I give in and run to him for comfort, knowing full well he is a big part of the cause of my pain. Thank you thank you!! PS. and Adoette I love the song by Katy Perry, hadn't heard it before but it definitely strikes a chord within.

#10 Aug 16 - 12AM

Avid

You have not failed

Pearl you have not failed as a mother it is so hard trying to get over this whole ordeal with the narc. I put on my mask when I am at work or around my kids and family, but it is so hard to pretend that we are ok when we are not. Your post made me cry but after all I seem to cry about everything nowadays. I will pray that you get better,and just let your daughter know you love her you are just a little upset but it has nothing to do with your love for her.

#11 Aug 16 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

Pearl

thanks avid..

I get so caught up in my guilt over not being perfect... and moving on from these jerks dredges up so much other painful stuff we need to face that was there before we even met them. It is hard for me to read my own post, and the support here is thoughtful, genuine, caring and kind. Everything we have been needing! I think I will also start seeing a therapist so that I can be sure that everything I need to deal with is dealt with properly and doesn't come back to haunt me. Thanks for understanding.

#12 Aug 15 - 11PM

Amazed

When the world around us crashes in

We have been there, we have all been there. The mind is running miles a minute, this is good, it is your soul clearling the pathological presence from your environment, from your being.. It takes a catastrophic healing process to pull through the damage of a psychopath or N personality. Don't worry about your mother, just lets hope she can help you. You need to get this sorted out, and that often means going to extremes...yes, continue to work, just get there, not a mess, pull it together, however you are going to feel very fragile. You are going to feel very delicate, and this is the BEGINNING process of HEALING. It is the worse right now. It will get better. You need to keep to NC. Perhaps just tell your daughter you need some quiet time, and it is good for her too... It is insane to have to keep it together,,you will indeed feel awful from couple weeks hon,,you NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS ROUGH STAGE. It is horrible, it is awful, it is terrible, if you tell others about it they don't get it...come here, post as much as possible, read books about the disorder,,and you will come to healing. Trust us. It will get better...be brave.

#13 Aug 15 - 11PM

adoette

pearl

Hey, Pearl. What's done is done. Pick yourself up and move forward. Keep taking the steps you need to take to get back to normal. You gotta take it from here and not kick yourself for what happened in the car. I have not done anything like that in front of my kids BUT I have hurt them plenty because of the blob. I lived a distracted life for two years. I missed out on the joys of being PRESENT because of the narc. We've all screwed up. All we can do is move on. Please forgive yourself. Try to put on a solid front for your daughter, but it's healthy for our kids to see that we have bad days every now and again. Take care of and be gentle with yourself. If you have the resources, find a good therapist. I'm sure all your mommy goodness and loveliness will swallow up this incident and your daughter will be fine. You WILL be a pearl again. Hugs, Adoette

#14 Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

adoette

Pearl

Just one more thought....I wouldn't dwell on it with your daughter tomorrow. Let her bring it up, if she wants to talk about it. And I'm pretty sure I sent you this song before, but go listen to it again. You're growing strong. Pearl by Katy Perry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ukj6hH1pBgQ

#15 Aug 15 - 11PM

Smarter-thanthis

Hi pearl, sounds like you had

Hi pearl, sounds like you had a meltdown. The wheels came off eh? No worrries, it happens to EVERYONE. Meltdowns are even better when they happen publically....say at work, infront of your colleuges. I like them especially when youu know they are brewing.......you walk around all day with that lump in your throat till suzy que your coworker politely asks you if you are alright.....then........all hell breaks loose and you are a blubbering mess. But hey, your kid was in the car. I get it, i have a daughter too. She is 14 now. Three words ICE CREAM CONE. Just tell her mom had a bad day. And ask her what kind of boyfriend does SHE think mom should have. I think you might find her answer enlightening. And yes pearl, we will all get thru this. Even you girl. :o)

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