help needed....

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 31 - 9AM

gaizon

help needed....

I feel like I am spiraling today...in a downwards direction.

He was on my mind this morning and in my dreams last night.

This may have something to do with the fact that we are both active and involved in the same types of activities and yesterday, I was following some people, exN included online during a endurance race. He and a couple other friends of mine did really really well.

Part of me is jealous. Jealous of his accomplishments. Almost like it screams at me....see...see...I am a demi-god! And if I am honest with myself, I feel a little inferior in comparison....

But it's not the whole picture, I know this. Being successful in one minutia of your life does not make you successful in life overall..or a nice/good person...

But the other part of the picture - is I am toying with the idea of calling or emailing to congratulate him on this success. This is what I would do normally...with a normal person...but he is not that...

How do I stop obsessing? Do I call or not? It's been almost 11 months since we splite and 9/10 mos NC. Will this ever get better....????

#2 Aug 1 - 4PM

petal

I know how you feel...

It's been almost 9 months for me also. and 6 months of NC. Please don't contact him because you'll regret it, trust me. I made the mistake of sending my ex-Narc a congratulartory text the night of his performance (he's a musician) and that gave him an excuse to text me again, and again, and again....don't do it! He is not normal, you're correct :) Stay strong!

#3 Jul 31 - 9PM

Susan32

I got radio silence

When I congratulated the ex-Psych prof on becoming a father&getting married... I got SILENCE. Then again, 'twas I who pulled the Vanishing Act. Now, from experience, I can say the ex-P NEVER liked it when I congratulated him on anything. Some Narcs thrive on congratulations;some live on it as bread&butter. He didn't. I congratulate him on his first lecture (freshman year)- he gets mad at me,accuses me of insincerity, that I'm being nice to him to feel good about myself I congratulate him on having an essay online (freshman year)- he gets mad at me,oh it's still online I congratulate him on being engaged (senior year, after the final D&D)-he gets mad at me, claims personal boundary violations/imposition So, the silence was actually a GOOD thing, come to think of it. Better than a tantrum that makes my 2 year old nephew look like an exemplar of maturity.

#4 Jul 31 - 6PM

Steph

It will get better! Don't

It will get better! Don't interupt your success with NC by calling him to congratulate him on anything. Seeing his stuff online has just triggered you. The feeling wil subside, just ride it out and don't act on it. Write down or re read everything bad about him. Vent on the forum, just stay away from him. It'll set you back. Hang in there:) xoxo, Steph

#5 Jul 31 - 4PM

Sparrow

I understand the temptation

I understand the temptation of wanting to call him, to congratulate him. But , please dont, for your own good. Leave him in your past, you have gone way too long with NC to jeopardize it! Be proud of YOUR accomplishment, of being NC for ten months! That is a far better accomplishment than any race that he won! Besides, has he called to congratulate you on being NC for so long? Lol.........he should, because it is the hardest thing to follow through with! Keep up the good work! We are all proud of you!

#6 Aug 1 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

Arwen

Sparrow speaks so wisely on

Sparrow speaks so wisely on this..she is right about your amazing accomplishment of maintaining NC for this long. Don't give up your pride as I have done and caused so much pain for myself by breaking NC and doing everything from congratulating to begging. It's so demeaning to me and I pray for your health that you maintain NC with him. And even as I have said on these boards that sometimes breaking NC can be a great eye-opening thing that finally seals the healing deal, it also breaks you in a way that can't be described. I got no closure even though I did get truth that has set me more free. But at what cost? Eventually I would have moved on. So, for you I think it's going to pass all of this just as it is slowly passing for me as well. I am mourning just like you but I know trying to talk to him will only put my recovery back really far. Hang in there and focus on the amazing you.

#7 Jul 31 - 12PM

Brooke1

gaison

I know that feeling.yuck! The more i do things that are about him,the more bad i feel about myself. At times what works for me is if i actually just physically go and do something.Force yourself to be engaged in something else and sometimes the mind will follow.

#8 Jul 31 - 12PM

gratefuljen

IT GETs BETTER THEN IT GETs BAD AGAIN

For me it gets better, and i think i am through it, then it starts over again. The really bad feelings like the sadness or wanting to contact him, gets shorter and shorter. THANK GOD KEEP DOING WHAT YOUR DOING, NO CONTACT PERIOD I will never talk to a man that used and abused and then threw me away. I am worth more than that and so are you. Love to all jen

#9 Jul 31 - 10AM

Done sourcing

Yes, it will get better. And

Yes, it will get better. And the first step is to get back to nc and no response and no peeking into the Narcs life. Make a decision to not congratulate him, then have a narc free day. Change the behavior, stop looking. A Narc will never give us what we deserve and want. They will only hurt again and destroy us. You have come a long way. Keep up the nc. ds

#10 Jul 31 - 10AM

gaizon

affirmative

You are all bang on....what good would come of it...? Well, nothing. I'd feel miserable, and he'd get supply... I am strong enough to not follow through...just hate feeling this way. And no, he hasn't congratulated me on any of my achivements this year...including a half ironman and a half marathon (both of them first for me)! Thanks for the reality check....

#11 Jul 31 - 10AM

bakingfortherapy

What's the point?

I do understand your feelings and your wanting ti contact as if he is a normal healthy person. But is he?? I agree with the other posters... What's the point? By contacting him what will you accomplish? What will be the result after you contact him? When im feeling like I want ti contact I tell myself: "I can't care (think, worry) about him---- because he's certainly not caring ( thinking, worrying) about me!!" I know it's hard. Hang in there.

#12 Jul 31 - 10AM

Hunter

Gaizon

You had a trigger, Don't call, what will you gain? All you are going to hear is " Scrambled Eggs" anyway. By calling you are putting yourself in harms way! Why give him anything, look at what's he's done to you. And ...you are thinking of congratulating him, For What? Call a friend, a real friend and go do something fun! You need a distraction. You are at the same stage I am. I have my moments too! I ask myself, What for? You are better then he could ever be, don't feed the vampire! Hunter

#13 Jul 31 - 10AM

ruby01 (not verified)

First ask yourself

has he bothered to call you and congratulate you on any of your accomplishments in the last year? People that care about each other communicate frequently and consistently. You have gotten this far don't start back pedaling. You will just have to start all over again.

#14 Jul 31 - 10AM

adoette

gaizon

Ugh. Sorry to hear it, gaizon. Being in the obsessive loop is crazy-making. Your feelings are understandable. Mostly we have to just go through it. There's always trying to distract yourself, but that didn't usually help me too much. As far as contacting him to wish him congratulations, I'll answer rosedewittbukater's question for you: No good can come of it! Seriously. I totally know the temptation and have come to this site for help more than once when I wanted to contact the N. Think of the possible outcomes. None of them are favorable. None of them would serve you. It would only serve him. Do what you can to take care of yourself during this bump in the road. It will get better. Stay strong! You've come so far. Adoette

#15 Jul 31 - 9AM

rosedewittbukater

Know how you feel

I so know how you feel. My xN seems to also be shouting to the world she is a Demi Goddess. I guess I might say to you what someone else asked me to ask myself before contacting. Ask the question "what good could come of this"?

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