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Fearless

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#1 Jul 26 - 8AM
adoette
adoette's picture

Fearless

When I was deep in the throes of terror with the narcopath, I was fearless.

I was in such intense pain from his abuse and neglect, that I thought, "Shoot. I don't care what happens to me. Nothing can hurt me as much as I am hurting now. I fear nothing."

I wasn't reckless, but I had no fear of doing things like walking my dog in the dark or going places alone.

I was thinking that a fearless heart was going to be one of the few good things that came from my involvement with the freak.

However, last night when I went to pick up my bike in a semi-dark location, I felt afraid. I live in a pretty safe town, so there was no real reason to feel afraid. My heart raced and I was a panicky about my safety. Pissed me off.

I'm mad that I don't get to keep that gift of being fearless. I liked it. I liked it a lot.

That said, it is probably another sign that I am returning to normalcy and that's a good thing, right?

Jul 27 - 7PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Adoette great post! Wow what

Adoette great post! Wow what a terrific topic that I'm sure everyone here can relate to. When we are in the throes of the addiction with that narcoin running through our veins we are as fearless as the day is long. We are so drugged there is no boundary, no sense of reality, no limits as to the dangers we will put ourselves in. Hence, the incredible position of vulnerability we are in during this state - vulnerable to abuse, vulnerable to sex without condoms that could lead to STD's, pregnancy and worse, vulnerable to anything reckless that we do with or for the narc during this time. We truly become hypnotized under the vampire's spell. What a great post you brought up WOW...yes, it is infinitely better to be part of reality again and much safer, although much less exciting. I guess we have to learn to live like every other recovering addict. Thank you for this it really woke me up no pun intended :-)
Jul 27 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Adoette

I think youbare fearless, you got out of Narcville! Rock on Hunter
Jul 27 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
adoette
adoette's picture

hunter

Hey! You're right! (once again:) Fearless in the best sense of the word. Thanks for the reminder.
Jul 26 - 8PM
adoette
adoette's picture

fearless

Thanks for all your responses. It is reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who experienced this nuance of narc involvement. It's funny I saw it as a "gift", but really it was just part of the hot mess I was in when I was with him. It is comforting to realize and see that having reasonable fear return is a healthy and good thing. (Now it seems so obvious.) I am continually touched by the wisdom and eloquence that pulses through this site from you beautiful people. With big hugs and gratitude, Adoette
Jul 26 - 12PM
Used
Used's picture

adoette

hi...welcome back to the LAND OF THE LIVING...i too did this...i took to walking thru cycle paths, underpaths..woods.. i didnt care what time of night or early morn...i walk thru gangs of drunks...right thru the middle of them...they used to part like the red sea...it was in my head...WELL THEY CANT KILL ME I AM ALREADY DEAD.. THIS WAS WITH MY EXNH THO....and i got out...6years later i got my first real scare back...it was terrifying and i ran back home...i thought how am i going to live in a world i am so afraid of...and my answer was....YOU LIVED WITH AN ABUSIVE PYSCOPATH FOR 31 YEARS....THIS WILL BE CHILDS PLAY AFTER HIM.....WHEN I MET NARC WHEN HE WAS STILL IN THE CHARM OFFENSIVE MODE....HE VERY GENTLY SAID...WHAT ARE YOU FEARS USED AND WHAT FRIGHTENS YOU...I LOOKED HIM SQUARE IN THE EYE....AND SAID *NOTHING DOES*..I HAVE BEEN TO HELL AND LIVED THRU IT...AND I SMIRKED B/C I KNEW I WAS LOOKING INTO HELL AGAIN...BUT THIS TIME THERE WAS GOING TO BE A DIFFRENT OUTCOME.....GOOD LUCK ADOETTE
Jul 26 - 9AM
ordinarycourage
ordinarycourage's picture

fearless

I experienced something similar when the narc was at his worst. I would go places at night that normally I wouldn't I think it made me feel powerful when he made me feel so powerless.
Jul 26 - 9AM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Weird fears and anxieties

Im 8 months out and notice a hyper-sensitivity that I'm having. Scary dreams, anxiety about things I used to be just slightly cautious about. I worry so much more. I'm working on it, looking into my 'self-talk', but I have to wonder what is happening. I feel happy and smile and laugh (I havent cried in months), but the fear and worry at times is overwhelming.
Jul 26 - 8AM
Gullable1
Gullable1's picture

Fearless

Yep, means the spell is wearing off... Endorphins are returning to safe levels.
Jul 26 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
spinning
spinning's picture

I agree, adoette...

a healthy fear is your body's way of reminding you to stay safe. To be aware of what is around you. It is good. You are indeed coming back to 'normal' and back to life. I know what you mean about the fearlessness that comes when being involved in a disordered relationship. The same thing happened to me. It simply did not matter what happened to me, I was afraid of nothing, not even him until the end when he turned so violent. That fear put me into my first round of complete NC, which lasted 21 days until he hoovered in a scary way and I let him in...big mistake. Whatever. It's history. I learned. NEVER EVER AGAIN. Adoette, I am glad you were a bit anxious when retrieving your bike. Being alert when you are alone at night isn't wimpy, it's SMART, regardless of how "safe" your town is. Things happen to women all the time so it's good to pay attention. Again, it's SMART. A little healthy fear is good. Great work, adoette. You're doing very well and it's a good thing! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO LONGER AN OPTION. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION. FREAKS BELONG IN THE CIRCUS, NOT IN MY LIFE.

spinning