I hate

It sounds like you have been given some great advice already, especially by trauma mama, you are right, helping others lets you focus on someone else for a change and opens your heart and eyes to whole different perspective on viewing life. Trauma mama you sound like such a wonderful person, an inspiration to all of us who are wollowing in self pitty. I understand being in the shadow of a sibling, my sister is eccentric, has lived the most interesting life and marches to the beat of her own drum with no qualms...she is my idol and recently her husband left her for her best friend. Watching her battle through the pain for the last year was truley inspirational...she has landed on her feet, defeated the odds and has risen above the situation and found acceptance and peace. She has started a new job, made new friends, not once did she try and run away but she battled on, had fun and didn't let herself sink into depression for more than a day or so. She has now met someone else and has just moved in with him and seems much happier and more like her true self. I wonder where her strength comes from and why I can't be as strong as she has, her situation was far worse as well. She said something to me when I was young, shy and was too scared to even walk to the shops for the fear that I would be bullied or look foolish etc...I asked her "Where do you get your confidence, how do you find it so easy, I want confidence in myself, how do I get it." She said in a tough love tone "Sweety, confidence is a choice, it is not a gift, no one is going to give it to you, it is yours for the taking. So wake the fuck up and take what is yours." She is right, fake it till you make it. That is what I did ever day I saw the ex at work, I walked with my head held high, making sure I looked nice every day and seemed confident in my abilities. It was all fake of course, but no one would have ever known. I am getting trapped in the same cycle as you at the moment, and I know from past experience once you submerge yourself completely in it, it is extremely hard to get out of. It is time to choose to sink or swim. I'm at the same stage as you, but I refuse to sink anymore. Go for a run, move, get out of the house, book a short vaccation, look at doing something you have never done before. All of my friends are too busy for me too, and I feel like I am alone and left behind...but no one is going to save us, but ourselves. The reality of life is that we can never truley rely on anyone to make our lives worth living, we are responsible for that. I am trying to make changes in my life, because even though movement scares me, staying in this hole terrifies me. Sometimes taking the steps to change is scary, but movement leads us out of the darkness and into the light. It doesn't have to be massive, but choose something and do it for yourself. You will wakeup one day like I did a few days ago and say enough is enough, I don't want to live like this anymore. Everything in life is a choice, we can choose to keep stuck, or we can make steps to free ourselves. If something doesn't work we need to keep trying until we find something that does. If you need someone to talk to each day, just private message me, or even bounce around a few things you would like to change, draw up a little plan of action. We can support each other through this storm Much love xx

When I say the very same things you say, the advice given to me is that happiness comes from within. We have all heard it said to love oneself first. Be happy with you. Relationships and other people cannot be your source of happiness. So you have to stop hating yourself. Therapy can help. Do stuff for yourself. Who are you? What do you stand for? This is perhaps a start. This message of working on yourself is all over this site. A lot of the people here have gotten into trouble because they don't look after themselves. We are caregivers and narcs are caretakers. Anyway, work on you. I have never met you in person, but I can tell you that you are worth it.

Today sounds like it was a rough one for you. They won't always be so bad. You are trying to heal. Healing takes takes time, a lot of time. You hurt, and people around you don't understand, they can't, unless they have been through this sort of thing themselves. Tomorrow is another day. Start it anew, with fresh ideas, plans. You will get yourself placed in the right direction. Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all felt the way that you do. You are not alone. Chin up and good luck on your journey. We are here for you. :)

You are placing your happiness on others, however. I did, too. And don't get me wrong. I am lonely. I miss the companionship. (Although with N it was more like smothering) I missed the feelings of belonging to something. I am not hear to preach. I was raised Catholic. My mom almost became a nun. I have found much solace and wisdom from meditations and following a buddhist faith. SOOOO much wisdom there. "Grasping at things can only yield one of two results: Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear. It is only a matter of which occurs first." ~ Goenka Attatchment is the hardest lesson to master. We get attached to things. People, pets, etc. Yet, nothing is permanent in life. Attatchment leads to suffering. http://viewonbuddhism.org/attachment.html I find things that give me joy. Joy without worry of anything back in return. I volunteer at the metroparks and catch butterflies for our butterfly gardens. I volunteer every week at the stables for 2.5 hrs with the handicapped kids for the riding programs. I try to help others. And thusly, I help myself. I meet other wonderful unselfish people. You can be happy. It is a choice. You got to swing your feet out of bed today and have your family all around you. Some people do not get to do that. I work in a field where people don't get to come home or wake up some days. I have found in my own personal experience, in my 47 yrs when I was sad and only saw negative, I got more. When I changed they I viewed things, and started looking positive, things started to change. Man, I know it is hard. I didn't feel like it. I really didn't. I know. Roll out of bed tommorrow and look at that bright blue sky and feel the sun on your face. Feel grateful for it. You're alive. You're beautiful. You're loved. It's a new day. And when things start to creep up and you feel negative again, remind yourself of all that you are. In order for someone else to believe it honey, YOU have to believe it. xoxoo Donna