Therapy?

My exN went to a therapist on his own, but stopped going. I went to a therapist and she warned me not to agree to couples counseling as it would be not only a waste of time but dangerous to my mental health. Our parenting plan specifies that we go to mediation if there are disagreements. We have been three times and NOTHING came out of it as my exN could never compromise. He did try to schmooze the mediators though, which was tragically funny. The upshot is that couples counseling only works if neither party has a personality disorder.

One more point, this yr while he was "figuring himself" out is lingo for being able to do whatever he wants and having no obligation to anyone- fine, be a player- but he expected me to be madly in love and adoring of him after all the he'll he put me thru for 2 or 3 yrs. I suggested therapy again. I said "no couples get through this kind of cheating and breakup without the help of counseling, there are so many residual feeling to tie up in order to move forward" he wanted me to act like none of his hellish games ever happened and he said he wasn't going to counseling, didn't need it. He "knows himself and knows where he's going" I didn't realize that meant back to Ow if he could. If not than with me as a backup plan. Mixed up huh? He's figuring himself out and confused but then he knows exactly what he's doing and who he is! I think he didn't really want to face who he is. That would be work. And no counseling cause that would be work and he likes things easy.

I got my N to go to counseling 2 different times. The first time we went twice together bc of his infidelity. Narcissism wasn't addressed bc we didn't get that far. We stopped going bc the therapist was 1/2 hr late both times- rude but mb it was an emergency. The second time was a yr later. My therapist that I was seeing after he was cheating on me and doing his back/forth, love you/ love you not stuff. We went twice together and he went once on his own. I think part of him was tormented over his own actions but he couldn't help himself- being who he is. After he saw my therapist alone he was done. She called him on narcissism in their meeting and he did not like that and never went back. He thought his only probels was being in love with, and stringing along two girls! He didn't think he had any other problems. Interestingly, my therapist told me that he was a classic Narc and was so twisted up that he needs a 30 day rehab... If such things existed for Narcs but they don't bc Narcs never think they have any issues. They are perfect and everyone else has issues, faults, failures. Early this year we were talking again, as he was " trying to figure himself out" translation - using me to fill his time again while he was busting his butt to get OW whore back-ugh! I tried everything to fix this relationship. I outlived my purpose or usefulness in his life. Ugh!! We also did ball room dancing and I had the exact same thing happen. I couldn't keep up with his huge steps and the teacher kept correcting him and of course it was my fault for not keeping up. All on his terms... Again. But the upside is 11 yrs involvement but 2 months NC! Ps it took me a long time to get to this point but I'm doing it. So far. Ugh! Boys!!

April-may of 2010....she called herself the avoider, said she didn't like to address anything, she cried alot, the therapist wasn't overly sympathetic, the N said that the therapist was too young, etc, and we never went back. It was a waste of my time. A narc will use information they receive about you in counseling to get you more hooked into the insanity, its like giving them a roadmap to all your buttons, a very bad idea. I strongly advise all of us to get as much help as we can, but in my opinion couples counseling with a narc is like re-arranging furniture in a burning house! ds