Obsession

As much as I was obsessed with the ex-Psych prof, the same could be said of HIM. Apparently he talked about me CONSTANTLY to his colleagues (on top of having an LDR girlfriend)... and they distanced themselves. He was so obsessed about me dating that I heard, thru the grapevine, that he was talking about it IN CLASS to my classmates. They thought it was out of bounds (and I told him) because it wasn't applicable to class, and he wasn't my boyfriend. During the final D&D, he would tell me how he was talking to one of my professors and said I was doing well-he seemed happy for me. It was surreal. He wanted to be the Daddy figure who was watching over me. (This professor has since left, because his wife got a teaching job in Oregon, he's now in Canada, and he&the wife have an LDR) Even after the final D&D, he was BEGGING for my home address/phone number (I never gave them-just promised them a lot) He'd accuse me of being obsessed with him. In "Anna Karenina", both the main character, Anna, and Princess Kitty, are married to men old enough to be their fathers. Alexei is obsessed with "punishing" Anna for her inappropriate behavior. He lacks the ability to let go-he forgives her- but it isn't real. He cares more about Anna acting properly than being moral. At one point, Dolly, Anna's friend, calls Alexei a machine (the ex-P was called a robot, close enough) When Constantin Levin courts Kitty, he is obsessed with her. Leo Tolstoy uses the word "obsessed." He idealizes her. When reality hits, he can't deal with it. In "War and Peace", Pierre is obsessed with Natasha (whom he eventually marries). Yet Tolstoy holds up obsession as Ideal Love, in the cases of Pierre/Natasha and Constantin/Kitty. The ex-P's fascination with Tolstoy was illuminating. It was like the ball of thread that led Theseus&Ariadne out of the labyrinth. Over 4 years, the ex-P was obsessed with me, but he didn't LOVE me. And, if your Narc compared you to ex-wives/ex-girlfriends, you were LUCKY! He compared me to fictional characters- Anna, Lisa&Natasha from "War and Peace"-NOT to real people. At least being compared to a real person has grounding in... reality.

I was just Hoovered and D&D in a matter of a month..and though Im not in the state of shock that I was in where I was in an emotional comatose for a month, reading up on Narcissism, I feel inadequate, unpretty, and everything else in between bc he is still with his unemployed, Obese OW. Yes I know its not her fault. But seeing what he chose before and yet again over me, makes me feel as if everything I am is nothing. Of course I obsess over it. How could I not? How could anyone not? We've been taken on a rollercoaster ride of lies, cons, bullshit, and manipulation to serve as his Blowup Doll...and then when we seek respect, it's just "TOO MUCH" for him...and so he leaves...I gave my N a month to change bc I said 'MAYBEEEE hes not a N...MAYBEEEE hes just been through alot in his life...' I mean, he came back apologizing, right? But for me. Our argument was time. He never gave me any time. He gave me crumbs. And I was supposed to be happy with that, and I was supposed to accept it without argument...and as for the people who say GET OVER IT? Yes, thats been everyone in my life who knew about he and I. They all thought that I was just holding on. And I was. But he was feeding me so much Bullshit, aside from seeing OW, it almost made me feel like I had to prove myself worthy. Worthy. To a man who makes 1/4 my salary. Who is miserable. Who is mean. Who mocked me. Who treated this unemployed Fatso like a Queen. I dont get it. I just dont get it. So yea. Obessing is terrible. These bastards kill us inside. And our friends/family dont serve to make it feel ANY BETTER....AT ALL...bc they just think hes "a jerk"---but I know..we all know - its deeper than that...hes disordered...and they didnt have to obsess over finding out why he is the Monster he is..and always will be...I hope he dies...a slow death...

Wow! I have had a real problem with obsession. Luckily when I started to see my therapist she told be straight up you are dealing with a little ocd and obsession and wanted me to see a psychiatrist to get the proper medication and dosage. She said right now your mind is all over the place with this. We need to quiet your mind down a bit so you can begin to think a bit more clearly. The psychiatrist did not reccomend anything like xanax. He just put me on a stronger dosage of my anti deppresant. He said the dosage I was on was ample for depression but not anxiety. I must say it has helped immensley. I still think about him tons but its not those frantic thoughts. I just let the thoughts come and go. I agree with ER its a slow process on untangling things

Thanks to all of you for all the wonderful comments. Everyone has so much to share, so much fresh perspective. We really are amazing. Yeay us! NEVER feel guilty about obsession. It's part of the healing process. Doing things like driving by the narc's place trying to figure out if he's there or not, who he's with, etc.. etc... is something we all do and eventually get past. We end up driving by your own desire to drive by!! Give yourself time, patience and compassion. Mine lives in a land far far away, and soon it will be long long ago, just like a fairy tale. Unfortunately, turned out he wasn't the prince but a handsome and cruel warlock. Damn. I hate when that happens! Driving by wasn't an option for me. I did consult his horoscope regularly hoping craving for even the hint of a sign that he might be hit by a truck that week. I did online tarot spreads asking about the state of his relationship with his wife, hoping beyond hope that she had kicked him out. I did this every day for like 2 months. I eventually quit because it bored me. And indeed, he bores me now too. The very thought of him fills me with ennui, where once it made me want to tear my hair out with grief. I was really afraid I was going to become an alcoholic and a bald one! How charming would that be?! Rule #6 NEVER tell the obsessed, grief stricken, "he never thinks about you so why are you thinking about HIM all the time?" Of course we think about the narc all of the time. He was the biggest part of our lives. If you lived on a precarious ledge overhanging the Grand Canyon for the length of time you were in love or with a narc, do you think that image might stay with you for awhile? The fact that he might not be thinking about us at all, doesn't quell obsessive thoughts. It fuels them. It's gut wrenching. Thinking or not thinking about someone isn't an exercise in mental symmetry. The process of detaching from anyone, particularly a narc, shouldn't involve the severing of a bond If we worked towards that end we would be well on the way to narcissism ourselves. What we do is unravel the bond slowly, like a ball of string, examining weaknesses, fraying irregularities, discrepancies between what we observed and what we were told. Another visual that might help is to consider the relationship with the narc like a journey through dangerous territory, even if we didn't realize at the time just how treacherous the path was. When the relationship terminated, we had to walk mindfully backwards to the beginning of the path, examining the minutia, mentally documenting the hazards along the way, trying to recall the harmless details that turned out to be major red flags. This we do for our survival. The obsession does serve a purpose. Having examined the narc and ourselves in relationship to them, we are likely NEVER to become involved with this type again. And in summation, I just gotta say... Bravo to all of you obsessed weirdos!

Like chicken soup for the (obsessed) soul. Very insightful. I wish I had someone like number 4 in my life. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for your post. I remember the time, a few yrs. ago when I was in the darkest of dark places behind the D & D. My body physically ached and I felt totally hopeless, empty, and devastated. I was struggling with finding meaning in life and suffering on all levels. I confided in one of my few friends who was a life coach and her response was, "You should read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." When she said that, the black empty hole in my gut felt like it was going to consume me. I was so hurt that I became nausiated and a panic set in. I became sick and for a brief moment, thought of doing myself in because the pain was unbearable. I also became angry at her for the comment but, I realize now she simply didn't get it. An obsessed person, during the worst of it, has more going on than just an obsession. They're dealing with betrayal, deceipt, loss of dreams and hope, loss of self esteem and a multitude of other emotions. They're constantly analyzing and trying to make sense of the unexplainable behavior. They blame themselves and begin the process of self-devaluation. They feel guilty and have lost their soul to the N. Now their identity is gone. The N has successfully re-opened and brought out every existing wound and injury to the surface. Sometimes they are wounds we've been supressing since early childhood. I no longer discuss my N history or my other bad relationships with anyone who doesn't understand N's and other psychopaths, even therapists (and I am one), most of whom don't get it. My last therapist said that it was OK for me to see the N now and then and concluded that the only thing wrong with him was that he is a liar. The concept of NC was foreign to her. People who haven't done the work end up causing more harm than good when it comes to advice. They may also have their own unsolved issues that they incorporate into their thinking and opinions.

LOVE THIS! I was in a serious relationship with someone who has OCD. He actually called me today to tell me how he misses the way I "treated" his OCD- the newbie just doesn't get it. So... Awesome advice!